Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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I use an iPad app called My Mood.

Speaking of waking up early, I woke up at 6am today and could have gotten up then and there. Unlike my usual Urrrghhh, just give me a couple more hours, when I wake up at 8am.

Mixed state today. Depressed as f**k, and I slept a grand total of three hours last night. I also managed to miss a psych appointment I apparently have.

To be honest, I really didn't want to have to spend an hour travelling anyway. I didn't even know it was roday.

I feel like BS today.

So today went well. Not. Things to remember I guess:

-Don't get into fights on the internet. And then take things way to personally. I managed to get in to one over "thin privilege".
-Don't slice your elbow open

And so not wanting to be stuck with screaming thoughts again tonight, I've taken a zopiclone. And therefore, I am going to get some sleep.

Goodnight.

Oh God, I hope you're ok. I think I just burnt myself several times yesterday.

I'm in day three of my mixed episode.

Either get depressed in the mornings or afternoons. I've tried to keep myself away from social networking for getting into arguments and then taking it way too seriously.
My anxiety is so high. I feel like I don't remember what I've done and feel anxious about that, especially when it comes to spending money. I was so itchy last night I showered even though it hadn't been long since I last showered.
I keep waking up at 1am and 5am, and then unable to get back to sleep. I kept thinking bugs were crawling on my skin. I feel like crap physically.
I feel restless and like I've accomplished nothing today even though I have done some things.
Having either racing or obsessive thoughts.

I'm expecting a call from my psychiatrist today so he can tell me when my next appointment is. Ugh. My 'treatment' is going so slow.

I used to keep track of my mood swings by writing a block paragraph description each day of what had happened (cause I had multiple episodes per day). For example - this was my diary description of one day back in 2011. (Summarized).

2/06/2011
Woke up at 6:45am. Feel normalish – fairly energetic for a few hours. Then exhausted, heavy limbs, couldn’t read and went to bed. Drilling started and the noise was really bothering me so I went and got some headphones. Sat at my computer wearing headphones for 20mins. Went back to bed, then mum moved me further from the noise to the couch, was semi-comatose for an hour, extreme tiredness and heaviness, disjointed thoughts, unfocussed, lying unable to move in a stupor. Towards end of this time I was having depressive thoughts. At 12:30pm suddenly felt awake and alert again, I got up to type this. Felt like my eyes were being forcibly held wide open (for the want of a better description).

Then lay down again, feeling depressed, irritable, sick, scattered thoughts. This went on for several hours. Starting 5:25pm suddenly felt “up” again, very physically agitated, moving about quickly, want to do stuff but feel sick at the same time (from flu, don’t feel heavy/tired from depression) pulled blinds down hard and took frustration out on piano playing a piece I’m working on as fast as I could. Feeling agitated. Physically agitated, hands shaking fast, need to do something.

(written on the 3rd): After I finished typing that I started walking in fast circles around the house, with my hands shaking uncontrollably, said to mum and dad I felt anxious and wanted to keep moving. Was also tired (prior to fit). They said something mildly funny as I walked past and I burst out laughing, but then couldn’t stop laughing, so I was walking and laughing hysterically for around 15 minutes. Then mum and dad started telling me to stop it, but I couldn’t stop, so they sat me on the bed and I was rocking with my hands shaking violently, and laughing, then repeating words over and over. After an hour I’d calmed down a bit although I still felt hyped up, had pizza for dinner, went to bed but had difficulty falling asleep. Overnight I kept waking up all night (didn’t sleep properly), body was still twitchy.

Yeah, I'm okay. It was nothing major. I called my CPN and told her what had happened, plus how badly suicidal I was last night. I also once again have seemed to have started a confrontation with several people on tumblr over thin privilege which probably didn't help with lasts nights feelings. I'm back to taking my normal dose of meds. I told them I'm not coming off them, and they can shove there experiment or whatever it is up there arses.

Ugh. I hate med withdrawl.

I did get some sleep last night on the zopiclone. Now I just feel...out of it. Ugh, can't see much happening today.

Although this mixed state is making me want to jump out of a window, go for a run, do six million history essays that need doing, write all fifty words of nano twelve times and make a whole load of cupcakes...whilst thinking..."I don't have the f*****g energy".

Hey Sunshower, that's how I write my journal entries. It really helps because my moods are just so jumpy lately. And so I can actually remember what I've done.

I've got so many things on my mind to do. I really want to write another novel. I've given up on the one I spent the last three years on because of one part I want to change that will require I change other parts of the book. I've got the little voice in my head saying 'play games!' And I just want to find any excuse to go out. Toothpaste! Toothpaste! You need to buy toothpaste! Okay...

Some depressed thoughts are coming through but I can shut them off. Sometimes my mind just dwells on them until - BOOM - another deep depressive episode. But they never feel that depressed. It just feels like I'm thinking. I would think about a scenario that would likely happen that may carry some negative connotations.

I feel like I haven't done enough today even though it's only 11am.

I keep waking up twice in the middle of the night/early morning too.

Still haven't got that call from my psyche. Not sure if I should call or even need treatment now. I am the worst person to take care of my mental health issues.

Worst mixed episode ever today. Racing thoughts. Changing mood every second. It was so bad I had a seizure. I didn't feel like it was a big seizure but it kept me in bed for hours because I couldn't move, barely speak, lost my emotions and so lost all motivation to do anything. Then when I finally recovered from it the racing thoughts started up again more painful and rapid then ever as I threw the top cover of my blankets over my body and buried my head underneath. For hours and hours and hours I was like this.

Either I've got no energy or motivation that I can't move or I have anxious racing thoughts then they're happy, then they're not, then I don't know what they are. They're just a big jumble of emotions that I can't separate anymore.

And still my psyche hasn't called back.

There was a point shortly after my seizure recovery where I felt so giddy I didn't care if both my cats who want to kill each other were in the same room.

What meds are you on/have you tried pensieve? You sound like you're in a state very similar to the one I was in for most of 2011. My current medication is so effective I am essentially able to function normally at the moment. I am on a combination of valproic acid, lamotrigine, seroquel, ritalin, and thyroxin, as well as large doses of fish oil, plus magnesium, multi-B, and vitamin D.

Medication would imply I have a competent doctor. I'm not on anything, besides 2000mg of fish oil to help keep me focused and motivated. On it's own it's not good for moods though. I get impulsive, hyper, sometimes manic and even rapid cycle. Just like Ritalin did to me.

I've only been able to stop my thoughts when watching TV shows. When Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D started my mind just went clear.

Should add I'm probably going through pms, severe pms.

Kept awake last night by anxiety and depression and a mixed mood state that made me feel like my brain would explode.

Now I'm just empty. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Every month I have to try and fight these feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts, just to overcome them for awhile only for them to come back again. People tell me it will get better but it's never going to f***ing get better! Not while my doctor keeps f**ing around on these appointments so that nothing ever changes. I could even write 'I'm going to kill myself, give me meds to save my goddamn life' across my forehead and he won't do anything.

But them I begin to panic if I have to do anything slightly different. Yesterday I was overcome with anxiety because I planned to just visit another grocery shop. I couldn't do it. I even had a seizure. Though I'm not sure if the two are related.

Now I think my depression has turned into more mania and depression. Does this mean I'm still mixed? So the insanity continues.

I don't even feel like it's worth doing anything today. It's not like I do anything anyway.

Sure, this will all pass but then it'll come back just a couple days later. There is no escape.

Hypomanic today. Glad the mixed moods have stopped for awhile. I'm not sure how much more of them I could have taken.

I'm the very impulsive spender today.

Sill mixed state, still hating it.

Are you serious??? Have you considered getting a new doctor?

I have considered it but I had a panic attack over deciding to just check out another grocery store, aka I don't do well with change.

I've even tried to book another appointment with my doctor just to ask for a referral for another doctor, like one closer to where I live. But I can never get through when I call. His calendar system is always down.

I really think I need someone else to take over for me and so far the only person is my sister with bipolar who refuses to get treatment for herself and she's always out doing something, for many days on end.

So I'm really not sure what to do. I want treatment. I don't want treatment. Even now I don't know what to write because I both want and don't want treatment for various reasons.

EDIT

Last edited by aussiebloke on 09 Nov 2013, 4:13 am, edited 1 time in total.