I know this is long but if someone who knows anything about temporary disability and head shrinkers could look at the bolded parts and let me know their thoughts I'd really appreciate it.
I started seeing a therapist almost a year ago. I have also been trying to get on disability (I've been denied and am appealing) because of my terrible failures at not really being able to hold down any job. My father wanted me to see someone who could prescribe medicine. I think his belief is that this is a sign of trying to "do something" for my depression/social anxiety. (I've been seeing a licensed social worker that was being paid, somehow, by the state, she doesn't do that). I couldn't get anyone to take me because I didn't have healthcare. So eventually he wore me down into going to the only place that would (this terrible clinic that I had a very bad experience at in the past so even just being in there makes everything worse). I eventually complied 2 or 3 months ago because my depression has increased exponentially with the death of my dog. I actually thought that something would help me, which I now realize was incredibly naive.
The first visit there they throw me in a room with a loud, billing lady prior to the session (they did that afterwards the other time I had come, I was not prepared). When I tried to give her my father's income info (as I have none) she became very angry with me. She also chastised me for offhandedly saying f**k when it seemed like they were not going to take me, making me feel like a small child. This resulted in me having a panic attack and a meltdown simultaneously and then hiding/crying in the bathroom. I would have left the building and walked home but my dad made me feel bad about everything. So eventually he tells me that he's worked it out. I go hide in the bathroom some more and eventually the CRNP (female because I could not go through the screaming and sexual harassment again like I had endured from the last male that I did not want years ago there) who was assigned to me comes in and gets me. She seems (possibly) nice at this point.
I'm super freaked out and now have to tell my whole life story/problems to her in 40 minutes while wishing I could melt into the floor. She's convinced that I'm cuckoo bananas and immediately starts writing out a form for me to get on temporary medical disability.
Then she sends me home with 2 types of sample antidepressant meds, 1 of which always causes weight gain despite my telling her about my disordered eating issues (she doesn't believe they are real unless I was actually barfing everything up or not eating at all, I'm not thin and she probably weighs 100lbs soaking wet so I think that goes into it). I do not take the weight gain one. I take the other (that she says will help me sleep, my insomnia was even worse then, it does) but it causes swollen ankles and wrists, painful swelling at that. I have to stop taking that when I realize that's what must be causing it.
On my next visit she tells me she's "never heard of that and maybe I'm eating salt" (OMG,ugh) and tells me to take half as much. Within 2 days the swelling is back. I stop taking that again. So at this point (in the retelling) I now realize that she has never taken anything I say seriously or with a grain of salt.
When my insurance kicks in she puts me on Zoloft. I tell my therapist (who I like) that I'm a afraid to take it. She tells me not to look up the side effects so I don't worry. I only check for weight gain. It seems to be hit or miss and only at high doses over a long period of time. I do notice scary claims here and there online but I assume it's rare or they are oversensitive. I take this (a low dose) for a month. Nothing happens. I mean I don't have any side effects but I don't feel different at all. So she doubles it, which I knew she was going to do.
At this point I'm not even really thinking about it because it seems to not be doing anything but at least it's not doing anything bad.
Then within a week of starting this double dose I almost committed suicide in my bathroom after 2-3 days of severe depression/anxiety/anger/increased agoraphobia not due to any outside stimulus. It's only when I step back from the situation that I rationally understand that though I want it all to end there isn't a reason. There were a few times when I had seriously considered it in the past but it was always due to something big happening or (not happening) in my life.
I stopped taking it. Then I took stock of the last week. Other things had been happening, I was arguing with everyone (I was super angry and felt like I wanted to hit someone). I had two hallucinatory dreams. One of which I thought might have happened and mean that I was now schizophrenic (like my deceased aunt). Then I was able to concede that it was definitely a dream due to my wearing other clothes in it.
The apathy had also come on in that week too but it sort of snuck up on me so I didn't notice until I thought back on everything. I've been taught/raised my whole life that everything wrong is my fault. It was then that I sat down and went through about 6 different antidepressants I had tried in the last decade. (some mine, some not). Eventually all of them had unmanageable side effects. (Before you say I was on "the wrong one", I now have researched them, they were different kinds, put out in different time frames, different classes, etc.) None every made me happy (I know, they are not supposed to do that, so what's the point?). The one that seemed to be working to others (because I was tired, apathetic and docile all of the time) flattened me out too (of course) but then what happens is that my anxiety/depression is so bad that they just break through. So now you have someone without any interest in anything who is more upset than before.
I had to know if anyone else had these problems with the Zoloft. An engrossing online search and some documentaries showed me that the suicide/homicide incidents with Zoloft (and other antidepressants) happens a lot. I also educated myself by reading all of those reports by actual doctors that said that the serotonin thing is a completely unproven hypothesis, that (aside from the bad side effects) these pills only seem to work on people who believe they will (i.e. as placebos) and that the case studies are usually altered significantly. There were also horror stories from long time users of antidepressants who now were addicted to them despite still being depressed and were afraid to go off.
I went off cold turkey and went through what could only be described as the DDTs which were particularly freaky to someone like me who has never been a recreational drug user and has only seen them in movies.
Last time I saw my actual therapist I told her that these drugs do not do anything for me. I concede that possibly there are some that they help (whether by placebo effect or some really have that "chemical imbalance") but I am not one of them. I'm not going to keep experimenting with my body with them. She seems to agree with me (but she always does so it's a measurement of nothing). I don't want to go back to that tiny angry woman at the end of the month, my next appointment. This therapist tries to talk me into seeing one of their psychs (since I'm now covered). I don't know how I feel about that as (despite liking this woman's demeanor) when push came to shove months ago she conceded with the state that I shouldn't get disability (after always telling me in her office that she didn't know why they hadn't given it to me).
So basically I can't trust anyone. My big question though is that if I did want to go somewhere else (there are a ton of professionals covered by this insurance, not all that far away), could the CRNP who signed my paper rescind my medical coverage because she is the one who granted it? (because she's angry or whatever)
I just don't know what to do. I find it hard enough to talk to anyone. I know everyone always recommends trying different docs but I'm scared and now don't know who has power over me.
P.S. The reason that the medical insurance is so important to me is that I am now able to see the therapist more often (and it does seem to help to get stuff off my chest, since usually no one else will listen to me). Plus I hadn't had any coverage or treatment for other health problems in years so now I've been able to do so.
P.P.S. Despite mine and my therapist's suggestion and my giving her the woman's number this CRNP never made any effort to actually get my therapy files and learn anything about me. Other than the initial visit every other visit is about 10 minutes.
19 Mar 2012, 5:47 am
