Delusional thinking.

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If you know logically that something isn't true...for instance that(insert friend/close family member) hates me but still believing it because you cant get the thought out of your head, is that still delusional thinking. Or a case of needing to Its just ignore or GTF over those feelings. I am just sick of it because I keep ending up in arguments with people I care about over this stupid crap and just not sure how to go about it. I am hoping when my friend gets of his headset we can maybe talk about a couple things.....and hopefully it will bring us to an understanding and not cause more arguing..........hate ending up in an argument with the only close friend I have or anyone else I care about.

But yeah part of the argument was that I am intelligent so I should be able to just rationalize through the BS and not take things so personally, or over do it thinking extremes like if I get on someones nerves one time that means they must hate me.

But that's just the thing then it just turns into an internal argument that goes something like this

'I know they don't hate me'
'you sure, you did make a pretty big ass out of yourself, they should hate you.'
'well they say they don't and it doesn't make sense for them to be lying about it.'
'you know some people just try to be nice and don't want to hurt peoples feelings but still hate you.
'shut up I am not going to buy into that yet again.'
'But you already have'

or something to that effect its like I can never win.

Then if this ends up happening around anyone I can't seem to keep from expressing it in a way that they take as me accusing them of thinking things they don't think or feeling in ways towards me they don't actually feel. When all I am trying to say is, the thoughts wont stop and I need some reassurance because I am getting dragged further and further from this 'reality' and can't make it stop on my own. And the worse part is it seems even the people that 'get it' or get me don't get it and don't get me. Its rather confusing I suppose.

I just feel like I should kill myself since I seem to only feed into that crap, and piss people off or cause more trouble than I am worth. But then I don't want to hurt those I care about, but then they don't really seem to care how much pain I am really in or they don't seem to get it.

i have a contrarian voice in my head. it's not exactly a delusion because i don't believe it. it just suggests unpleasant things. it's sure to happen if i think of my deceased father. sometimes it's about my relationship with my husband. like your thoughts, it's a clever arguer. i have never told anyone any of this. i suppose that keeps me out of trouble.

on the one hand, keeping such things to one's self doesn't let anyone judge you for it. on the other hand, checking troubling thoughts out against reality can be comforting. i guess it's a balancing act.

sweetleaf, you are worthwhile. i've read many of your posts. you are a caring person, always trying to help others. if that isn't the most worthwhile thing a person can do, i don't know what is.

Yes, I've been where you are. I've come home crying to my partner that everyone at work hates me and is talking about me when I know that logically it isn't true (for several reasons that we don't need to go into here).

If you were simply having these thoughts and were aware they weren't real then I wouldn't be too concerned. But the fact that these thoughts are causing arguments with people you care about is a bit more of a worry, and the fact that you feel suicidal. Please don't harm yourself. My advice would be to stop drinking/using any drugs for the time being as that can exacerbate things and speak to a doctor if that is possible.

By posting your question in this forum I think that indicates that you know this is a mental health issue rather than simply obsessive thinking. Please try and find someone to help you. Do you have any other symptoms that are worrying you?

Yes and sometimes no matter how illogical I might find something I still believe it sometimes. Also I kind of don't like to constantly feel like sh*t. Also I am certainly not going to just up and quit the meds I've been prescribed that is not recommended anyways and yeah even if I said I'd not do anything else I doubt I would stick to that and well I think I have worse issues than wanting to drink a beer for instance. And I have talked to a doctor, a psychologist and a therapist.......and all I can seem to get is lists and lists of phone numbers since they can't quite help or whatever.....I keep thinking the best option is just commit myself to the psych ward but what in the hopes that I will get SSI and that it will cover the bill I'd get after.

I don't exactly want to commit suicide but it seeems I am running out of options here. But yeah in the psych ward I would have to go without beer or cannabis anyways......thing is if I am free to do as I please and I feel suicidal I am going to do things to alleviate the pain such as drink or smoke cannabis prescriptions don't quite seem to help so much. But if I did do that then I'd have to go without it and maybe they could figure out what is going on and give me a strong enough dosage of something so I don't need to rely on self medicating to make up for what the meds don't help.

I know its not just obsessive thinking otherwise I'd think I'd be able to stop.

Yeah, happens to me all the time. Sometimes I think I'm from another dimension.

Yeah I just wish it would stop so I don't end up ruining all my connections/friendships/relationships with people by being an intolerable nutcase.

Do you mind me asking you which meds you are on? Some medicines can make these things worse. I'm not familiar with the US healthcare system, so I'm not sure what to advise. I would like to think there is a better option than having yourself committed but perhaps there is not. If it is a choice between doing that or getting no help at all, then maybe it is worth considering.

Self medicating is never a good idea, but I can see why people do it (I calm myself down in other, equally unhelpful, ways). Correct medication would certainly be a better idea.

I understand the feeling of running out of options but please try and think in the long term (I know that is the hardest thing to do when you are ill) because this is not forever. A few months ago I was quite unwell and delusional and now I am fine. I have short breaks from reality that usually last a few weeks and then disappear. I know it will come back but I am just happy that now things are more manageable (I see the odd thing that isn't real, but apart from that I am fine). This might be the case for you. Even if you have persistent issues these can be helped with medication. I know it's a horrible, out of control feeling but it can be dealt with.

In the meantime, all you can do is tell the people that matter to you that you are not very well and are struggling with things but that you care about them and are doing your best.

Feel free to PM me if you want to as well.