I think I'm going through psychosis. I need serious help now

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I think I had some really bad emotional episode that could border on a delusion/hallucination. I'm afraid of explaining this for fear of feeling very terrible again, because I might be getting better. But I have to tell someone and know what to do with it because it's still in the back of my mind all the time.

I've been recently, over the last month or so, going through a depression that has been getting worse. I've been having constipation problems recently too, so I went to a doctor that said I should have a colonoscopy and I agreed. I won't say what it is in case you don't know cause it's kind of embarrassing, but I'm mentioning it because something happened to me during the bowel prep. I hadn't eaten the day before because it requires that I don't. All I was allowed was water and the sodium solution.

The day of my procedure I woke up early I the morning to finish the prep like I was told, and I had very little sleep, but I'm used to having little sleep. I was just in my room finishing it feeling very dehydrated. I was thinking like a normally do, but the usual thoughts I try to push back came back. They've been bothering me for awhile now, so I thought to myself 'Why not just let them happen? Just to get this out of your mind?' So I did, and I really regret doing so now.

What came to me was things that I was scared of but never really thought about. I remembered this thing on the internet that I saw a picture of that scared my but didn't know much about. All I know is that it was some freaky creepy movie made in the 80's that was made for children, but I've never seen it. But I suddenly remembered it and couldn't stop thinking about it, it was just consuming me, this wild fear that it gave me. I couldn't shake the emotion or thought away. At one point I was so immersed in it that I felt like one of the creepy characters walking around, like I'd look in the mirror and see that face. It was so horrible. I could get rid of this thought for awhile. I was panicking because of this and I wasn't allowed to drink anymore water because I was told not to in the hours before the procedure.

It went away a couple hours later but I still thought about the fact that it happened, and nothing else that was going on around me seemed real. It felt like a trauma. The only tine it was truly out of my mind was when I was with the doctor getting ready for the colonoscopy and right afterwards. But I was still thinking about it for days after that. I kept looking in the mirror to remind myself what I looked like. I've been feeling so fearful and stressed and nauseous and disgusted with myself.

I feel like this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I feel like a different person and hardly remember the days before this happened. I felt so childlike, my childhood fears were coming to me too and felt so real. I've tried distracting myself but as soon as I give my mind a break it comes back that this incident happened. I don't know how to deal with this, I feel like it's becoming apart if who i am, I'm afraid that I'm going to associate it with regular things so that I will never forget it. I just want to forget this ever happened and be the person I was before.

I tried several things already. I deconstructed it in my mind's eye, I wrote it down and threw the paper away, I distracted myself with lots of things. But none of these seemed to have worked heavily or near completely.

I admit it's getting slightly better each day, but it still feels like a haunting. It's always in the back of my mind. I'm feeling depressed still, the only times I feel at true peace are when I'm about to fall asleep, being asleep and the precious few minutes where I'm just getting up before I remember everything. My mind won't stop this from coming into my mind randomly either.

I want to get rid of this. What should I do? I was thinking of seeing someone professional but I don't know who, or what kind of mental doctor. I want to deal with this straight on and quickly so it will leave me forever. I don't want this to be a long process of near lifetime long. I'm afraid of revealing this and getting ten different mental disorders that will be with me for life, with my HFA, and prescribed a bunch of pills I don't actually need. I feel like my life is being rebuilt since this incident too, like I've been in a long sleep.

All of this happened on monday. I feel like the quicker I see someone about this the quicker and more effectively it will leave my mind forever. Sorry this is so long.

Oh this sounds like a terrible experience and I'm sorry you went through it. Having a colonoscopy can be extremely stressful. Its invasive, embarrassing and all around unpleasant to begin with. I wonder if the stress combined with past experiences (buried/accessible) created this...? The fixation on a scary image online? Remind yourself you are safe now. That helps me with my PTSD sometimes. Just focusing on something pleasant or neutral and reminding yourself that everything is ok now.