Anytime I fail I feel near suicidal.

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I was starting up a project with a friend. I was happy to do that because I always felt passed over for leading a project or making executive decisions. At the beginning I was very motivated and was quick to do tasks related to the project.

My friend was really nice and very understanding if I was late with a task or if I missed an appointment. But I started noticing any time I had to call off an appointment or tell her I wasn't able to complete a task I would be hating my self for that even if she didn't appear to mind.

And if I tried to do another task or finish the task I wanted to do. I would be filled with guilt over not completing the last task. Causing me not to complete the next task.

I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and reactive depression. But I never really thought of looking up what it really means to have those disorders until I visited WP.

I was always wondering why I never seemed to be able to complete a task even if I thought it was fun. But I just thought it must be laziness or lack of motivation.

Anyway today I decided instead of avoiding her or not answering her calls something I have done before in similar situations. I would suck it in and tell her that I wasn't up to the task and that I do not want to waste any more of her time.

I thought I would feel relieved having ended the project in a good way but even though I ended it in a good way, and she reacted well. A bit dissapointed willing to go on if I wanted ,but understanding if I didn't. I felt like a total failure and more miserable than I should be.

Since I came home the talk we had keeps coming back to me in flashbacks. And negative feelings so intense that I have to call out as if I was in pain keep invading my thoughts.

I can't stop saying, hate and I hate you to myself. I tend to do that sometimes when I feel like this. But I have been doing it so much today that my boyfriend asked me to stop saying that. And I did not even realize I was saying it out loud.

It's such a lose-lose situation for me if I do the right thing I feel like a total failure and don't want to live any more. If I avoid her and therefore the project I am able to postpone the inevitable but I feel like a failure and a terrible person for not doing it the right way too.

I know I have felt this way before but after some time I am able to bury those feelings so deep in me I start to doubt whether I am really depressed or ever have been and I go back to thinking I am just lazy or I don't put enough effort into the things I do.

I felt like writing this down and sharing it with you. And maybe I can also use it as a reference when I am feeling better. Do any of you ever feel this way about about failed tasks?

I can feel like that if my mood has swung into depression. Even a good outcome can seem like a failure if I didn't reach my ultimate benchmark. If I am on the manic side, I tend to blame others if things go wrong.

Do you feel this way when you are anxious in job interviews and can't respond to their questions correctly? I hate when people judge me. ..then I go home and feel worthless and unemployable.

Can you picture your mind as being made of many different parts of you. And that there is one part of your mind that is terribly mean and wont seem to give you a break?

@wcoltd

Hate, do I hate? I do not know whether I truly know what it is to hate. But I do not know what it is to love either. I sometimes resent people for being able to live their lives without or through their mental pain. For example when I watch a documentary about someone who is performing extraordinary feats against all odds. e.g. a lady who has no arms and legs who is able to hold a job and raise a child. I will feel resent because I am able bodied and I am not able to do the same. I am not able to feel the joy. How can she be happy when she is in such a state.

But for me resent comes with guilt. I will feel guilt almost instantly over my thoughts. And soon the guilt turns into hate and blame of myself. I am able bodied and not even able to accomplish half the things a person with no limbs can do. Worthless.

For a long time I was not able to watch, understand or enjoy slap stick humour. I can very distinctly remember not ever wanting to watch the three stooges or Charlie Chaplin. Later I learned about vicarious shame and it started to make sense. Can you imagine being (re)traumatized when watching something humorous? I guess you can because your description of the feeling comes pretty close to mine. Seeing others embarrassed brings up memories of my own shame. Where others feel relief and even amusement that they are not the only ones who have met with embarrassing and shameful situations. I am not able to see the humour of it. I am not able to forgive myself for every embarrassing thing that has happened to me and I relive my embarrassments over and over again.

I have always lived by the rule:"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". So it would be hard for me to start randomly hating people. Maybe I can try and direct hate at serial killers and child molesters. Though saying I hate serial killers and child molesters again just feels like saying something. And is not as pure as the hate I feel for myself. Might be a good practice to let out some of this hate. I have reserved to much for myself.

@MaxBlack
Thanks for joining in the discussion despite the spelling issues.

knowbody15
I certainly can.