I've been struggling with social anxiety since some point in my teens, and made fair progress in some specific aspects, but in the general case I just can't seem to make a dent in it. Things that are supposed to work for that don't.
I'll get exposure to something that causes this kind of anxiety, like being new at a workplace. That's happened quite a few times, since I've had a career of about 14 years now in a field where people switch jobs pretty frequently on average. Anyhow, I'll be super nervous for at least a few weeks, then gradually relax as things turn out quite OK... but not only do I fail to generalise that to other social situations with new unfamiliar people, I'll be just as paralysed the next time I'm new at a job!
Of course, a number of things do complicate the picture. I know AS (official diagnosis) and social anxiety are quite difficult to disentangle from one another when they're both present.
It also doesn't help that I have in fact had a number of rather bad outcomes of the kind most people, even therapists, consider "oh come on, it'll never turn out that bad" level. Not just in my teens when people are especially frequent jerks, either; a number of them have happened in my 20s and 30s, and usually I still do not understand what I'd been doing wrong, though I certainly must have committed some kind of offence.
For example, when leaving a workplace, arranging leaving drinks and having zero people turn up. I've been ostracized in groups and been unable to get a sensible reason out of anyone. I could name others, but I'd rather not dwell on them further since it's both depressing and counterproductive.
I had a course of cognitive therapy some years back, but that consisted mostly of fumbling in the dark. It required seizing thoughts as they occur, and my thoughts are extremely difficult for me to perceive, at least when they're automatic and tied to emotional responses. Maybe alexithymia is mucking things up there.
I've been poking around succeedsocially.com, which has a lot of good stuff and displays exemplary autism awareness, but have been feeling kind of confused... let's take this page:
http://www.succeedsocially.com/whyfacefears
I would say "proper exposure" has happened quite a lot in my life, like the example above with being new at a workplace. Yet the fear just never seems to go away or even diminish except temporarily. I've gritted my teeth and kept turning up for work and indeed gradually gotten comfortable at that workplace, but I still get just as paralysed the next time I'm thrust into an unfamiliar situation with unfamiliar people.
I think part of the confusion in a new situation will always be there as it's probably tied to autism, but fear shouldn't have to happen, at least not this extremely.
I do think I have a bunch of cognitive distortions and maladaptive thoughts going on, like the site talks about, but they seem to be a real bastard to identify and grasp, making challenging them, well, challenging. I do know I'm extremely unforgiving of myself and expect 100% perfection, or my "inner critic" as the site talks about will tear me a new one. Even in a context where perfection isn't really even possible to define.
In a few weeks I'm seeing my psychiatrist next, and a new round of therapy has already been mentioned, so perhaps they can sort something out that works better than the last course. I'm also pondering getting a second opinion, because I think this psych clinic has been rather ineffectual for the last few years. They clearly don't know what to do with me. (They were great four years ago when they even managed to fast-track my AS assessment, but then they got privatised...)
25 Nov 2014, 3:23 pm
