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hapyecakehapyepie
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10 Feb 2024, 11:55 am

When i interact with people who refuse to accept my needs and wants that stem from neurodivergence, they'll tell me that it's just my excuse to be a victim and common phrases thrown at me is "you always have problems in your life", "you always make things an issue/difficult/problematic". I have tried very hard to give others what they want but when burnout happens, it happens.

I've attempted to please people so as to avoid being harrassed, bullied and lied about. Because when i don't try to please people, they go on the attack. And even still they'll go on the attack when i can't do what they want correctly.

I wish they'd accept that i do things differently and am not trying to be difficult but that i am doing things the only way i know i can perform without major problems arrising.

And i've asked the people who think i play victim why they believe that. Their most common response is that it's so i can just get my way. And yet they never acknowledge that they just want their way with me while not considering what i need and want. So I have told those types of people to accept that we're just not compatible, but they don't accept it and their actions become as if i wanted a war with them. I don't, i just want to be left alone by those people.

I feel i'm always uprooting my life to escape people who won't leave me alone and that won't accept that i can't give them what they want.

Anyone else experience this? Did you find a solution?



autisticelders
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11 Feb 2024, 8:26 am

Something that helped me was to learn how to set boundaries and keep them, how to say NO and enforce it in healthy ways.

I got therapy to learn new ways to do that, since I grew up using unhealthy behavior and communication. If you already have a therapist, ask them about learning healthy self assertive techniques and different ways to communicate. The ways we learned to cope as children in our sometimes unhealthy families may not work for us as adults .

If you are a reader, you can get the book "when I say NO I feel guilty" by Manuel J Smith, it is also on line as a pdf, and on youtube. It teaches several techniques to shut of the manipulation and attempts at intimidation from others, and gives insights about how and when to use these new ways to communicate. Very inexpensive on Amazon or Thriftbooks sort of site, it is no longer in print. I buy every copy I can get my hands on and give them to people who struggle dealing with being manipulated, intimidated, ignored, or otherwise struggle with setting boundaries and being heard.

If I could learn these things, I think anybody can. You get better at it with practice! I've been using these new tools for over 40 years now and they really have changed my life. Hope you find what you need.


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babybird
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11 Feb 2024, 10:46 am

I hate the thought that ND people feel it's upto them to change the way they do things just to keep people happy.

I'm not sure if I experience this same thing but I've been in a situation where people have felt threatened by me just for being myself. There's absolutely nothing I can do in most cases to avoid this. I'm not gonna change. I can't change so it's just a case of living with the fact that some people are either jealous of me (which to me is ludicrous) or are threatened by my presence (which seems just as ludicrous).

I don't see what people just can't work together


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elotepreparado
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19 Mar 2024, 2:22 am

I tend to not explain much why I am a certain way. And I also avoid disclosing that I have autism. And if I do, I just say "neurological disorder".

When I have some issues at school I can have disability services help me if professor actually has an issue with me. At workplaces, if a job isn't suited for me or if I need specific things like to wear ear plugs or avoid certain sounds and lights it has been fine for me to ask for a moment to calm down or for a different task. I have only once had to explain why I was asking for change or support and they were fine to accommodate as long as I was still able to work. It will be more difficult for me to navigate when I go into my career so I will see what support I may need when I find a job.

When someone in professional settings like work and school has complained about my hand movements, body language, volume/tone, or something I tell them I have a neurological disorder and that I am sorry if it bothered them but I can't help it.

When classmates or people in social settings complain or insult me for my speech, behaviors, not picking up on social cues, or whatever else I either let them know I have a neurological disorder or I just shrug and don't talk to them.

Basically I am saying that I experienced some people having issues with me and my solution was to not give too much information or to avoid people that will give you s**t for you who are. Giving them more and more information can make it seem like you are making excuses even if you are just trying to feel understood.

I also feel like saying just "neurological disorder" is kinda better nowadays since the image of autism is always kinda shifting and it differs from person to person. For example: It went from "severely affected child" to "quirky adult" to a lot of people. Before when I did let someone know I am autistic, they usually felt bad or like there was no way I could be autistic or that I was a "really good" autistic for being able to do stuff. Now a couple people have rolled their eyes?! 8O



nick007
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19 Mar 2024, 7:40 am

OP What type of enviornments are you interacting with others who won't accept you :?: I'm asking because different situations can have very different requirements & expectations. Like coworkers would be very different than family members your living with.


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unmasked_outcast2022
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21 Apr 2024, 5:07 pm

I've found that distance and boundaries are key, also. Personally, I had to get an apartment near my family, because even my siblings and stepfather do this sort of thing on a regular basis. In fact, I was hanging out with them earlier, but for the first time, when I couldn't take the pain of it anymore, I told my mom firmly, "Please take me home." I was able to leave, get my space, and I'm finding that it really doesn't matter what they think, because it's my health, you know? It still hurts, sure, really bad sometimes, but not being around them and being able to say when and how long I want to see them helps me feel more secure and have some peace.

As for keeping unruly neighbours at bay, if you are harassed at home, I posted "Autism Adult" signs on my window, I purchased a RING doorbell with a 1080P camera, and I let my mom deal with any issues outside my space (I don't know if you have anybody who might be able to stand in as a buffer. I'm not good with speaking to people who are rude like that, and sadly everyone around here is, so she talks to them for me, like for paying rent or picking up prescriptions, things like that. If you have health insurance, they might even cover extra assistance through case management, and they could get a victim advocate. They're basically our attack dogs when times get too rough, and many places do free cases for training.)

I also have the Sony WH-1000MX5 noise-cancelling headphones, so if anyone starts messing with me, I don't hear them anymore. This is especially effective in public, where you can just turn off their rude voices and make mime gestures if the mood strikes. I find looking at the ground and not engaging or escalating is also helpful, because it reveals them for who they are to everyone else and shows that we're not the problem - and most of all it doesn't make you enemies. Number one priority is to keep you safe, because you can't keep saving the world if you're not whole.