Where do you find dates and, eventually, relationships?

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antinous
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13 Aug 2011, 7:02 pm

I'm the first to admit I have difficulties with intimacy and engaging others, but despite that I'd like to date and eventually have a serious, mature relationship when a lot of people are just looking for sex. It's difficult to find that and even to know where to start. Preferably, I'd like to find another Aspie. Where do you go to meet people, whether it's the internet, groups or activities?



Radiofixr
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13 Aug 2011, 7:37 pm

I have the same problem and people will tell you go out to clubs and bars but the sensory overload is too much and I do not drink so a bar is a waste-and even for an aspie that may just be looking for sex it is difficult to make connections for them I am sure-I have difficulties because of the superficial nature of a lot of people and I am not in shape or good looking so when they say "don't judge a book by its cover" that person must be married or in a relationship because you never look at or buy a book unless you look at the cover to see what the title of the book is. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful but I have never had a relationship and now I am TOFU (too old,fat and ugly)-I too would prefer an aspie because of the common ground and understanding of what being an aspie is like and understanding the difficulties and what it is to be an aspie


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13 Aug 2011, 8:06 pm

The handful of people I've dated came to me via an online personals ad I posted.



kraelik
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14 Aug 2011, 1:10 pm

I know this sounds ridiculous, but the last two guys I dated(including the one I am currently with) I met playing World of Warcraft. While online gaming may not be for you, I'm sure you have some sort of hobby or focus that has some sort of club or group in your area. I have found that finding someone with similar interests is much easier that way, whether it be for friends or more.


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SoundOfRain
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17 Nov 2011, 11:11 am

I am gradually realising that I live in a crap town for meeting others like me and it would be really helpful if I moved. Lol! If I moved to a city where there are more LGBT people.. but not London.. not a major city.. too overwhelming need I say so! I am really into nature too, but weirdly, where I live the access to nature should be easy peasy but social walking groups are relaly rare in this area, so yup, it's decided, I'm moving! lol


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visagrunt
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17 Nov 2011, 12:28 pm

My experience was that living in the city and going to gay clubs, etc. was fine for dating, or hooking up. But not for establishing a relationship.

My relationship have all come from doing the things that I enjoy doing, with people enjoy the same things that I do. Within those groups, there have been other gay men with whom I have had successful relationships. While both of us being gay was a precondition to a sexual relationship, the trigger was not meeting up in a "gay" place, but meeting up in a place where we had common interests.


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17 Nov 2011, 8:58 pm

OK, time for the obligatory deep question (to nobody in particular)... are you sure that what you really WANT is a "serious, mature relationship"?

Be honest with yourself. Nobody besides you is going to know or care if you're not totally honest.

Wouldn't you really rather have a good friend (or two) who lives next door (but not literally WITH you), likes to hang out (when YOU feel like it and feel social), and has the same taste in guys as you, so that after you've had sex a few times and gotten kind of bored, you can team up and go out looking for guys to have threesomes with to make it interesting again?

Do you REALLY want to spend hours, days, and weeks of your time working hard to preserve the facade of a "normal" relationship with someone who's mainly going to add stress to your life and make you feel guilty for being you? Or would you *really* have more fun going online , meeting a cute couple who's visiting for the weekend, play around a bit, then go home and engage in one of your core interests for the rest of the weekend?

The key to aspie happiness is to quit fighting for something you probably don't really want anyway, and try to figure out what it is that you really DO want. Compared to straight aspie guys, we've got it made. Hands down, no contest. Imagine how much more sex the str8 aspie guys here would have if they could pull out their phone, launch "Beavr", find a cute aspie chick, meet up for sex an hour later, then go home and play videogames (without having to call her in the morning, or worse)?

IMHO, threesomes are the gay aspie dream come true. You can meet up with a totally NT couple without having to do a thing besides stand in the corner with a deathgrip on a bottle of Bud Lite and look cute, then go home with them and have fun for an hour or two. You don't have to be social, seduce them, or even say much. By the time they come up together and say 'hi', they've already had their pregame conference and decided they want to go home with you. If, by some chance, one of them falls for you, your total lack of reciprocal interest will quickly send him back into his NT partner's arms.

If you eventually meet your aspie soulmate, you can team up and do the same thing (Hot NT Guy will see you in the corner clutching your beers, realize you're together, both checking him out, and having cut to the chase, will come up and introduce himself to YOU). Same logistics as before -- he knows you're together, and he knows you both want him. You don't have to seduce him, and you don't have to really talk about much besides whose house/hotel you're going to go to, and the logistics of getting there.

Laugh if you want... but it's true. The point is, if you're willing to buck society's programming about what constitutes a proper "relationship", you can have a lot more fun with less stress and be a lot happier in the long run. :)



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17 Nov 2011, 11:49 pm

The fundamental problem with that for some (I'd think many) of us is the difficulty with physical contact. Going from my experience, it takes quite a bit of trust for me to even be able to hug someone. And I am extremely self conscious about my body (although I'm getting slightly better about that). As such, I'd only be able to be intimate with someone who I trust completely (or as much as I manage to trust anyone) and know extremely well so that I can feel comfortable around them.

Also, by opting for a monogamous relationship you drastically cut your risk of getting an STD. And to me it sounds like too much work having to subtly check a hook-up for any suspicious lesions etc. Not as much work as required for a functional relationship, but I think the return on a relationship is proportionally higher (having someone to trust and to always be there for you).



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17 Nov 2011, 11:59 pm

AstroGeek wrote:
The fundamental problem with that for some (I'd think many) of us is the difficulty with physical contact. Going from my experience, it takes quite a bit of trust for me to even be able to hug someone. And I am extremely self conscious about my body (although I'm getting slightly better about that). As such, I'd only be able to be intimate with someone who I trust completely (or as much as I manage to trust anyone) and know extremely well so that I can feel comfortable around them.


I don't have a problem with physical contact after I've gone on a date or two with someone I like – in fact, I've been more affectionate than any of the guys I've dated – but I'm too socially inept to know when to "make a move," as they say. With one of the guys I dated, I got so frustrated with my inept social skills that I just blurted out that I had been wanting to kiss him since the first date. He just laughed and said, "Why didn't you do it, then?" All I could say was, "I didn't know how." So with physical contact, it's almost never initiated by me.



dr01dguy
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18 Nov 2011, 12:59 am

Well... I personally think that age, experience, and alcohol can go a long way towards mitigating most of those problems. 8)

I'm not all that different. If somebody walks up to me and gives me a hug, I kind of freeze up and don't really know how to react. I couldn't approach
a guy at a bar if my life depended on it. I was 25 before I ever kissed or had sex with anyone. I need at least one beer before I can even acknowledge somebody else's presence, and two before I stop making them nervous. 17 seconds after the grand finale, I get grossed out by the... um.... "residue" and can't wait to wipe it all off and leave. And that's perfectly OK. The 34 minutes leading up to it made the minute or so of nastiness afterwards worth it. ;)



dr01dguy
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18 Nov 2011, 8:27 am

Just to add to what Jory said, I have basically two extremes. Turn me on, and I'll be crawling all over you and engaging in wholesale PDA. At least, until the alcohol wears off or I get bored. The other 99.8% of the time, you'll be pulling teeth to get me to shake your hand and weakly smile in your general direction. I have no middle ground between the two extremes. When I'm not actively engaged in sex (or the hour or two leading up to it), I don't particularly like contact. I can't actually *sleep* (in the REM sense) with anyone else. I mean, I can do it maybe once in a great, great while, but the next day I'll be a sleep-deprived wreck.

The main reason I keep mentioning threesomes is because I've seen lots of posts here from guys who seem to think that they'd be overwhelmed by two guys, or couldn't concentrate on them. The reality is, threesomes are *easier* and *less* work, with *less* long-term fallout afterwards. When you meet up with a couple, you're the main attraction. There's no expectation of forming a long-term relationship, because the other guys are already have a relationship. If you're part of an aspie couple, neither one of you really has to worry about the other... he knows what to do, and he's focused on guy #3 just like you are, and you both get to share the workload of dealing with him instead of having to carry all the weight yourself. There's a reason why straight aspie guys who manage to get laid a lot tend to end up in "Wingman" relationships -- they work well for aspie guys. The main difference is that when you're gay, you don't have to resolve the complication of "who gets the girl", because you can *both* have the other guy.

It also helps to live someplace where there's a constant influx of visitors. I live in South Florida, where every week is like a new episode of "The Love Boat" & we're the permanent cast members. Tourists are great, because even if they (inexplicably) develop a total crush on you, they'll be gone in a few days. Visitors step off the plane, and their goals can be summed up as a) get a tan; b) have sex.

It's all about coping mechanisms and finding ways to work around your personal shortcomings. The best way to compensate for having no social skills is to look for sex (when you're in the mood for it, once or twice a month) in places where those social skills are largely irrelevant, because you're surrounded by highly-motivated NT individuals on vacation who'll take the initiative and do all the work for you... then leave town before they start to get in the way of your real life.



Imapanda
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22 Nov 2011, 12:35 am

I'm only 19 and I already feel as if I lost hope and that those 'good' years are behind me. I'm constantly reading these stories of younger guys who seemingly can get anyone they want and have a ton of friends. I want something more than just sex, I want someone I can trust, someone who shares the same interests as me and someone who can just understand and listen.

I currently have no job, no friends, don't go to school, and have no realistic outlook for my future, I don't even receive welfare checks. All I do is spend the days sitting on the computer playing games or sleeping.The only people I talk to daily are my family members, who don't know I'm gay, and the few 'friends' I have online. I'm forced to endure my younger 2 siblings adventures as they both are enjoying their last year of high school and planning for their college, both of them have jobs that pay more than my mothers. It takes 10-metric tons of guts for me to leave the house to go anywhere beyond my yard. I cannot for the life of me go into a LGBT club, when I DO gain the courage to go to a public area, I sit there and stare awkwardly at all the smiling successful people who likely are living happy lives. I have the adult 'skills' of a 12 year old, I don't know anything about how living and working independently works. I'm afraid to move anything forward for myself.

I'm stuck in a limbo. I want a relationship ASAP but I know it's impossible for me to gain the courage to even attempt such an achievement. I mean, who would want to date a 12 year old trapped in a 19 year olds body.

I guess I'm still young? Being an aspie and gay is like a double-negative. The public overall hates LGBT, and I'm a stuttery shy wreck. I watch these 'it gets better' things and my subconscious tells me "no it wont". It's like those old loony-toons episodes where theres an angel above one of your shoulders and a devil above the other, and they rabble back and forth at eachother,,,,, I feel as if there's just 2 devils above me demanding in my ear just to end it all. I read a lot of things on here and I pay attention to philosophical social issues, I know people die alone and in pain every day, I know people will suffer lives of emotional agony and regret, talking points are talking point and I will never fully believe them, the 'it gets better' project should be called "It gets better, unless...". The only thing that can cheer me up is to just think that there are people who have it worse than me, but I'm moreso countered by the thought that there are also many other people who have it much much better than what I have. I just want to be happy, this life is slow and dull, and so painful to sludge through.



ChessChick
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22 Nov 2011, 12:50 am

I have only dated NT's in the past. I would love to find another Aspie to be with. My problem is that there are no gay bars/clubs near where I live, no autism groups or aspie groups, or any specific way to meet another lesbian or bi, let alone an aspie.

The NT's I've dated never worked out because they think I'm hot and smart and funny at first, and then they find out about my quirks and start thinking I'm odd or outright crazy and they leave.

All I want is for someone to love me and accept me for who I am. I want someone to understand me and what I go through on a daily basis and still want to be with me.



Indy
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22 Nov 2011, 11:33 am

I met my partner on a gay dating website. If you're looking for another aspie you could try Aspie Affection: http://aspieaffection.com/



dr01dguy
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22 Nov 2011, 9:12 pm

@Imapanda:

Ok, here's the good news. The *worst* years of your life are *behind* you, and the best will start arriving in about 2 years when you turn 21.

Please, don't get hung up on having a relationship at 19. Do you want to know the cold, brutally honest truth? Anybody you went to high school with who's married is going to be divorced before they're 30. Look at people your age who are involved in loving relationships, and know beyond doubt that they won't be on speaking terms when they're 25. It sounds cold and cynical, but it's true. Six years from now, you won't be the same person you are now, and neither will anybody you know.

If there's any possible way you can go to college, even if it means taking just one or two classes per semester, do it. When you read threads about aspies and careers, one thing quickly becomes obvious: the aspies with successful careers are the ones who have jobs where you have lots of autonomy, little direct minute-to-minute supervision, and can make up for "bad" days by pulling marathons to catch up on "good" days. Almost without exception, jobs like that require a college degree. Your odds of having a sustainable career are going to be *infinitely* better if you have a degree. It doesn't even matter what it's in. Pick your favorite obsession, and find a way to major in it.

There's another benefit to college: it will give you an excuse to move out of the house, and get a dorm room on campus. If you wave the "autism" card, you can probably even score your own room. Life on campus is better than you can even imagine. For one thing, you'll be surrounded by aspies... at least a quarter of whom will magically become gay after they've had a few beers. Your social life will be like a big buffet where you can pick and choose whatever you like.

You aren't going to have a partner until you have a friend. In the gay world, there's basically one way to make friends: you have sex, you meet, you get to know each other, and eventually you might become friends... in that order.

You don't have a vagina or a uterus. You aren't going to be giving birth to kids who need a stable, traditional home environment. You're allowed to enjoy life and have fun. Enjoy your eternal virtual youth. It's evolution's way of getting revenge on the str8 guys who made fun of you in high school. Being gay and aspie means getting to enjoy a lifetime of spring break and summer vacation.

If you're worried about dying alone, consider this: if you were straight, non-aspie, and lived in a perfect relationship with your soulmate, you'd both have roughly 50/50 odds of dying without them anyway (because one of you is going to die first). Do you want to know the definition of macabre death? Try being on your deathbed, surrounded by loving friends and family members who've flown across the country to be with you, knowing that you now have to hurry up and get it over with so they can go to your funeral before their days off from work run out and they have to fly home. I've seen it happen. I've been a member of the unhappy audience, and it really sucks for everyone involved. At least when you're gay & aspie, your closest friends will probably be your neighbors anyway, so you aren't going to have to hurry up and die to keep their boss happy. At worst, you might have to disappoint one or two of them by dying before they head over to the hospital after work, but chances are, at least one of them will be with you. Just don't beat around the bush when you sense that the time has come... they're aspies, and if you tell them you're fine, they'll go home to do their laundry and wash the car thinking you're going to still be alive tomorrow night, and be tormented with guilt for having taken your assurances at face value.



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23 Nov 2011, 8:46 am

dr01dguy wrote:
Look at people your age who are involved in loving relationships, and know beyond doubt that they won't be on speaking terms when they're 25. It sounds cold and cynical, but it's true. Six years from now, you won't be the same person you are now, and neither will anybody you know.

Although I'm sure that is true broadly speaking, it is not a hard-and-fast rule. My cousin started a relationship with her a guy (who, before that, was her best friend) shortly after graduating from high school. 7 years on their still together and the idea is that they'll get married once she's graduated from med school. And one of my Mom's friends ended up marrying her high-school boyfriend, and they are still together (happily, I assume--I don't know them well).

That is NOT to say that you should be concerned if you're 19 and have never had a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that (so I keep telling myself...). It's just that dr01dguy's cynicism doesn't always apply. It just usually applies.