I think I need some help...

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This thread has nothing to do with my sexuality. I feel totally attracted to women and consider the female body and a female face as the ideal of beauty.
but: Since I can think I envy beautiful women for their beauty. sometimes it even grows to aggressions against them.
Since I can think I wanted to be beautiful too. The further my puberty went, the more my beard grew and the more my voice became low the more I began to detest myself. Looking down on my body I know that this can't be me. Hairy, sturdy, pimples in my face...
I've always been considering anything male as ugly. I don't want to touch men, hate the male smell (or rather the male "stink")...
But I am imprisoned in one. And looking down on me without clothes I see this ugly and stinking penis hanging down in front of me.
But I don't prefer the other thing, I just want to have nothing down there, nothing moist and slimy...

I've found some kind of release in art... This way I can express the beauty that's in me. The beauty that should be me.
(if anybody want's to see or hear is, some of my musical pieces are on my youtube channel, I'm playing the piano for 4 months now
and here are some of my art pictures: http://photobucket.com/SOULYARD )
But this is far not as satisfying as I want it to be, I don't want to create a masterpiece, I want to be the masterpiece!
It's awful, I'm in the one hand a rationalist but in the other hand a hopeless aesthete. I know that beauty isn't worth anything. Beauty doesn't make the world a better place, in no way.
But I need it. My soul longs for it. I can't ever become happy in the body and with the face that everybody associates with me, everybody but me.
But in fact it's only a vehicle that carries my brain. It isn't me. I am only the product of my thoughts. and more and more the distance between what I consider as me and what should originally be part of the whole me grows.
Whoever now thinks that I want to be a woman is wrong. I only want to be something aesthetical, beautiful without gender, maybe with the shape and the face of a woman. But I want to be in love with women and also always want to take the active part sexually and would consider the other thing degrading and couldn't even imagine to change that.
Though there is one interesting aspect that has been carrying me for a long time, there have always been those sad songs in my head, a little sad angel (I don't know if it's really an angel, it's a clear and soft high voice) has been singing beautiful songs in my head, some day, two years ago, I started to play the guitar and wrote those songs down. and still when I'm writing new songs they are originally sung by a sad little angel as long as they are in my mind, and not by my voice. This somehow made me think that this would be the "real" me.

I can't remember a moment since I'm not a little child anymore that I've been happy. And I can't really remember my childhood that well.
I know that this topic doesn't really belong to LGBT but I thought if anybody would be able to understand this it would be the persons here.
I don't actually know if any woman on earth could ever accept her man to be like I am.
I hope nobody I know would ever read this. I'm very direct normally, I say anything I think, no matter if it's offending or unmoral, but this time... this thing, that is in fact a very big thing for me would appear too suspect to everybody I know. I'm 18 years old, well respected in my school and not I was the bullied one but I was the one who acted respectless and derisive to others...

Has anybody any idea what I could do? You can of course also just write a comment if you have any other thoughts about what you've been reading here.

Thank you.

Wow the way you wrote that was so beautiful I'm not even kidding. O.O
I suppose you aren't the only one who thinks this way (I don't but there are people out there) You should probably write poetry about this, even though you might not have meant to it sounds like something that should have been a poem. That might help. Also I'm sure getting surgery to not have a gender should be an easy procedure for a doctor to do. It might even cost less since there won't be as much things they need to do.

The beauty in men is in movement, in motion.

You have a beautiful mind. I feel very maternal and loving towards you.

This isn't the same, but, it is similar in that it shows a longing to be something that I perceived as being better than human.

I remember when I was a very young child, around 5 or 6, I found out that the food I was eating was really dead animals. I loved animals. I did not want to be a human being who required killing and eating animals to survive. I felt like a monster of some kind. I wanted to be something that was loving. Alas, I was an unknowing aspie, with thoughts that don't occur to the general population. They thought it was funny that I asked if it hurt the animals to be eaten. My parents could not understand this and they forced me to eat meat.

Sometimes, I just think that our minds are evolving a bit faster than others. Your feelings are a sort of dysphoria but not necessarily a gender dysphoria, more like you have taken a lot of time to actually study an aspect of being human that most others never give a single thought.

You don't have to be hairy really, you can have it permanently removed if you wanted. You don't have to be smelly either. But, you are a man. I hope that you do not do anything that would take away your ability to reach orgasm. Maybe if you understood that many females do find the male body beautiful, you could learn to love your body for something other than it's perceived physical appearance. Maybe you could love it for the way you can feel making love, or the beautiful look a woman has when she looks at you. This would be a good time for that intimate eye contact that I know you're trying to work on. I know that if you could witness someone else's ecstasy in relation to your body, you might learn to feel differently. You could find yourself vicariously beautiful. If you could do that, women would become a source of mental pleasure for you and you would not envy them as much. You are actually beautiful, you're just the only one who can't see it so clearly. Please take good care of your body and make it the best it can be.

((( Hugs )))

I searched the internet for you. Body Dysmorphic Disorder:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

Does this seem right to you?

I'm so touched, you understand me perfectly. Thank you, you are wonderful!
I'm sure I wouldn't take away my genitals, it's the rational me that says it would bring much more disadvantages than release. in the end I would only feel maimed...
I'm so twisted!! I'm afraid of closeness, I'm always distanced, behave "superior" and want to give others the feeling that I am above, I'm joking around, tease others and
say things which should do nothing but prove my brilliance. Most of the people who know me and get to know me are fascinated and respect me very much but nobody seems to actually feel a personal closeness to me, probably nobody could imagine me as a soulmate. And the girls/women that found the confidence to become somehow close to me meant nothing to me. I became sadistical and threated them as if they where air while even feeling some kind of satisfaction when they were sad because of me. I'm so sorry for being so ignorant...
and when anybody talked about sex I felt cloyed... I think it has become better in the last year though... but one reason that makes me detest sex is maybe that I don't only feel arousal from women to whom I feel a little closer but also some kind of... I don't know, I began to understand it better in the last two years, I found that I'm not really looking for a "partner" in the original sense, I'm not looking for a sexual partner (though I've of course got a regular sexual drive), an equivalent woman, but for some kind of mother character, I've always had this ideal that has also appeared me once in a dream, a bright and soft female deity that takes me in her arms and that I take in my arms that cares for me, that is some kind of guardian angel for me. And I've never found that in any girl or woman. My own mother is insane (I consider her as insane) and I stopped respecting her and feeling close to her when I was about 9 or 10. probably that's the reason. It's beautiful that you seem to have felt this when you read my previous message
I mean, I don't really want a surrogate mother, I of course want something real.
But I'm longing for a relationship of another level, where she's always with me and always watching over me. Where we are always a team with the same intentions. Like it seemed to be with John Lennon and Yoko Ono^^
Maybe I would be released if I would find a woman like this. Or if she would find me.
((( Hugs back to you)))

Thank you. But I won't remove my genital... it would bring to many problems.

I would love to write poetry, but the problem is, that my mothers language is German (I'm Austrian) and in contrast to music and pictures I couldn't share my works with many people, especially with nobody of this community... I'm indeed highly gifted in language and my German professors have all adored me but my english is too bad, sadly...
But thank you very much for your sympathy!

I'm so touched, you understand me perfectly. Thank you, you are wonderful!
I'm sure I wouldn't take away my genitals, it's the rational me that says it would bring much more disadvantages than release. in the end I would only feel maimed...
I'm so twisted!! I'm afraid of closeness, I'm always distanced, behave "superior" and want to give others the feeling that I am above, I'm joking around, tease others and
say things which should do nothing but prove my brilliance. Most of the people who know me and get to know me are fascinated and respect me very much but nobody seems to actually feel a personal closeness to me, probably nobody could imagine me as a soulmate. And the girls/women that found the confidence to become somehow close to me meant nothing to me. I became sadistical and threated them as if they where air while even feeling some kind of satisfaction when they were sad because of me. I'm so sorry for being so ignorant...
and when anybody talked about sex I felt cloyed... I think it has become better in the last year though... but one reason that makes me detest sex is maybe that I don't only feel arousal from women to whom I feel a little closer but also some kind of... I don't know, I began to understand it better in the last two years, I found that I'm not really looking for a "partner" in the original sense, I'm not looking for a sexual partner (though I've of course got a regular sexual drive), an equivalent woman, but for some kind of mother character, I've always had this ideal that has also appeared me once in a dream, a bright and soft female deity that takes me in her arms and that I take in my arms that cares for me, that is some kind of guardian angel for me. And I've never found that in any girl or woman. My own mother is insane (I consider her as insane) and I stopped respecting her and feeling close to her when I was about 9 or 10. probably that's the reason. It's beautiful that you seem to have felt this when you read my previous message
I mean, I don't really want a surrogate mother, I of course want something real.
But I'm longing for a relationship of another level, where she's always with me and always watching over me. Where we are always a team with the same intentions. Like it seemed to be with John Lennon and Yoko Ono^^
Maybe I would be released if I would find a woman like this. Or if she would find me.
((( Hugs back to you)))



Dear Awes,

You missed feeling nurtured by your mother and in fact, in a very close relationship with a woman, you would have this to some degree. I have read some of your other posts. You deeply want to love and be loved. You avoid eye contact for fear that you would want to reach and hug that person, I think it's beautiful...but you fear it, maybe because of your programming that you must always keep up a facade to feel safe and superior. Making those girls feel sad about you made you feel more powerful and safe. You are really loving inside but you have become fearful of attachment and intimacy. I think you work so hard at seeming superior that maybe you panic when you feel that your defenses are being let down and that has to do with sex and TRUE emotional intimacy. I do believe that it does have something to do with your relationship with your mother. I did not have such nice parents either and my advice is to start allowing your inner dialogue...your self talk be the voice of the kind parent you wish you had and not of the insane mother that you grew up with. You will find it easier to manifest that within relationships if you have it in the first place. You are right that if you had it, it will release you, but, you can also release yourself so that you can stop pushing those brave girls away so you can have it in reality. Free your mind!

Maybe you are afraid of actually having sex in some way. Maybe it has to do with your unloving self image. I actually believe that sex would change that image. Then there is...Many men are afraid of performing sexually. Here is where I am glad to be a woman. Woman aren't expected to have or maintain an erection, don't have to be expected to know how to do everything etc. If you are with the right person, you will have a lot of chances to learn and get over any fears. I don't want to give unwarranted or unwanted advice, so I will stop here.

Thanks, you are great!
But I'm not afraid of the act of sexuality but only the intimacy, being vulnerable..., but in exactly the way you've said it. You are so totally right with everything.
Though I'm not sure if I would ever be able to feel the same warm and peaceful feeling that I feel when I look at the face and the shape of a beautiful woman when I look at myself but only despite. But I would probably accept it and maybe not even think of it that much when somebody gives me the feeling of being beautiful...

You have written very beautiful, i'm really impressed.

Sometimes i wish i were a big, strong, hairy, dominator boy, because i feel very vulnerable and useless piece of s**t
You know... you can see beauty in ugliness and ugliness in beauty, too. It depends on our perception.
I recommend Alejandro Jodorovsky's movies. I think that our concepts about beauty, right and wrong are relative.
If you give up on them, you can see beauty in everything, even in grotesque things. It's like a release.

I like men very much. And I saw you, you're very beautifuuuuuuuuuuul and sweet
...my heart melts

Oh, how lovely
I do somehow also believe that since it all does only happen in our minds it might be only the imprintment of what we have learnt in our lifes, a matter of society.
How could such a complex ideal of beauty ever be memorized by only dna?
but somehow my ideal of beauty is so clear. and it has always been the same. I mean, there are many eventualities that could fit into this ideal of beauty. but I could definitely say what matches and what definitely not.
I've already learnt to see something like beauty in many things! But it's always another kind of feeling, it doesn't give me the same feeling as this ideal does.
I've for example learnt to love the Beatles, their music makes me feel warm and emotional but it's something totally different to the beauty of the classical pieces of Claude Debussy.
Please don't become one of those "battle lesbians", stay the soft and "vulnerable" feminine person you are.
I don't understand why you like the men's looks but that's probably because society has always told you to adore them, just as it's for me with the female look.
It would be an interesting question, if I would ever have had any problem if the mirror would never have been invented^^ though... I would still be able to see what my body looks like.

"Since I can think I envy beautiful women for their beauty. sometimes it even grows to aggressions against them."
I think you do need help. do you have access to therapy. The quoted sentence is really a marker. I[ve never been able to even imagine myself as a woman. I accept the idea of transgender peole fine. I know I am not one of them.

#
I've never said that I want to be a woman. I've even said that who thinks I want to be a woman is wrong.
It's somehow impudent of you to only read a little bit of my message and then think to have to put in your two cents.
Chutzpah.
And to add the redundant last sentence of your message unmasked you as panicky homophobic^^ Hey come on, who cares!
As I said, I do also consider men as ugly. And once again, that's the reason I don't want to look like one.
But that also means that I don't want to be intimate with them. Have you now got it?

LOL Shhhhhhhhhhhhh ((( Hugs)))

Sry...
^^

What I am concerned about is the line about being agressive towards women. I don't see where I mentioned anything about you being a transgender-oriented person? I was actually agreeing with youthat I allso have never wante dto be a woman and can't see myself as a woman. I am not hmophobic. I am gay and that's all I want. Please reread my post carefuly.