An article for Gay Autistics

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‎"Follow your heart—what a crappy piece of advice! I followed my heart and ended up on the dance floor surrounded by leather clad strangers rhythmically humping each other’s legs to the music of Lady Gaga like a pack of terriers in heat. Love can make you do crazy things. The storybooks forget to mention that love is only a feeling ... and it’s not always the right feeling.
I never believed in romance. I came to the conclusion that love—that warm, electric rush that excites the senses and baffles the mind—was not something I was capable of feeling. After finally receiving a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, I thought I had found an explanation for my troubling emotional deficit. A few months later I found myself both terrified and overjoyed to discover that I can experience romantic feelings … but I like dudes."

- Love Yourself First

http://www.autismafter16.com/article/01 ... rst-part-i

Your heart decides the destinations, but I don't recommend following it. The GPS system is frankly pants. Let your heart decide but your head plan the route.

I know what you mean about the gay bars, and I've been there with the random guys wanting sex. I'd grown up vaguely aware of this thing called "dating" where you have a merry dance before the sex becomes possible. Turns out being young and having a pulse is all it takes to get some guys interested. But alas! I'm a romantic and a cynic...

Great article. Very interesting voice you've got. And welcome out of the closet!

I remember being absolutely terrified my first time in a gay bar. I was still in college at the time, and they were about 100 times worse than a frat party. For better or worse, I had already developed my perma-scowl reflex to compensate for my inability to get the whole eye contact thing right. That tended to scare off all but the most aggressive guys, yet even that defense mechanism didn't prevent the whole unwanted hand-to-crotch contact thing that you mentioned - some guys are just really hands-on when you make your way though a crowded bar, much to my chagrin.

Going out definitely got easier once I found a gay friend or two to go with, though, admittedly, those can be hard to find. Luckily I managed to stay friends with a couple guys I had "dated" (using that term rather loosely) after the initial infatuation died down, and going to bars/clubs with them was a lot less terrifying than going alone, scowling from the corner.

Nice article. I've never really been in love and I don't thikn anyone has really loved me. I don't know . I tis very hard to tell. That's probably why I am an aspie.

fell in love with another aspie but they did not feel the same and gave it up after one date with a pressuring NT whom they didn't know very much about-was told it was my looks and personality and this was after over a year of hanging out together.The NT was 3 years younger and 70 pounds heavier than me too-and I was lead to believe this person had an age difference problem.Pretty sad -it hurt quite a bit.

Hey Scott, pat yourself on the back.

You did way better than I did. The first time I went to a gay bar, I needed Xanax just to make it through the door (I knew beyond doubt that I liked guys, but I was unbelievably freaked out about the prospect of being seen in public at a gay bar).

I inhaled some excessive quantity of alcohol, and was throwing up and getting carried home by my roommate and his friends about an hour or so later. I remember almost nothing about that night, and I probably spent 98% of it in pre-meltdown withdrawal/shock/dissociation.

My second trip to a gay bar was ~2 months later, and came off a bit better. I had a guy latched on to me within 30 seconds of going up to the bar, and we were heading to his house ~4 minutes later (this was before I discovered IRC & miamim4m on AOL. I was still kind of blown away by how easy it was to get him to say 'yes', and wasn't feeling very comfortable at the bar anyway).

My third trip took place the following week. More or less a repeat of the second time, different guy.

My fourth trip was kind of awkward, because I ended up running into the guys from weeks 2 & 3, and had no idea what you're supposed to do when that happens. It was very uncomfortable, and I spent the night clinging to my best friend and desperately trying to avoid both of them. Now I know better, and present the first draft of...

Gay Bar Etiquette for Dummies

So... how DO you handle an awkward situation where you've just run into two guys you've already slept with at the same bar, especially if you don't really want to sleep with either one of them again? Simple -- smile, say hi, and introduce them to each other. Introduce them both as "friends". They'll get the hint. Then, if a threesome with both isn't what you have in mind, hang around for a minute or two, get them talking to each other, then slip away to get a drink & find someone else to talk to.

The same strategy works if you run into a guy you've had sex with, but don't want to have sex with again. Say hi, then introduce him to someone else you know (ideally, someone else you've had sex with), then excuse yourself. If you're lucky, you'll see them making out and leaving a short time later.

Congratulations! The next time you run into one or both at the bar, you've graduated up to the first level of gay friendship: Bar Buddies.

Bar buddies are the guys who never really hang out with each other anywhere besides a bar, but cluster together in "wolf packs" whenever they end up at the same bar. They introduce each other to the other guys they've slept with & set each other up, and provide proof that you DO have at least the outward trappings of a social life. After a while, you might start arranging to meet up with your bar buddies, or get invited/go to parties with/by them. Congratulations! You're now officially "friends".


The all-important key to making gay friends is to learn how to gracefully handle the transition from "somebody I had sex with" to "bar buddy". Master it, and everything more or less flows naturally from that point. Some bar buddies will evolve into friends, some will drift away, but the point is that THIS is the primary workflow for making it happen.

It's hard at first, because you won't have a large group of other guys to match them up with, but over time, it gets much easier. Be slu*ty (but safe) online. It helps. When all else fails, ask yourself, "What would two aspies do in this situation". As Scott observed (standing ovation, I don't think I've ever seen it expressed quite that way before), most gay guys are functionally aspie when they're drunk & horny.

I miss those days, dr01dguy. But not enough to want to relive them...!
No, I'll stick with my long term commitment now. It can be boring but it's a lot less stressful.

Gay Bar Etiquette for N00bs (revision 1)

When you go to gay bars, you're frequently going to run into guys you've had sex with, but don't really want to hook up with again.

It's OK. They probably feel the same way. In fact, it's so common, a de-facto social protocol exists for handling it: Say 'hi' to the guy, then walk around with him until you find another guy you know or slept with. Introduce them, then excuse yourself.

This makes it clear to the guy you had sex with that you really aren't interested in doing it again, but does it in a polite way that demonstrates consideration for his feelings, and simultaneously helps to break the ice between two new guys who will probably end up having sex within an hour or two.

The next time you see them at the bar, congratulations! You're now officially "Bar buddies". You can hang out together, drink beer, and check out the guys together. Keep it up, and your social circle will grow.

For Aspies, this is an ideal social arrangement -- you don't have to talk to them during the week, or be social with them unless you're physically at the bar with them. Often, YOU'LL be the one they introduce to the cute guy they met on Grindr last week & will be the beneficiary of their previous week's online whoring.

It's kind of like multi-level marketing for gay sex. You set up two guys YOU met with each other, and over time you'll get hooked up with most of the guys they've slept with. And the guys who've slept with the guys they've slept with.

The only real hiccup you might have to deal with involves situations where you and at least one of your bar buddies wants to have sex with the same guy. There's two ways to deal with it: invite both guys back to your house & have a threesome, or let the other guy have him and try again next week.

The point is, you aren't a blushing virgin in a white dress, and gay guys are going to think you're messed up if you pitch a fit about a guy you haven't actually *dated* (and I mean "dated" in the literal sense of having had a relationship that lasted for more than 3 consecutive weekends). Learn to deal gracefully with the guys you've slept with by setting them up with the other guys you've had sex with, and you'll be able to turn them into "bar buddies", which is the first stage of semi-platonic gay friendship.

I say "semi-platonic", because anything is possible and likely when you & a bunch of your bar buddies end up drunk in somebody's jacuzzi someday. Note that when this happens, I highly recommend hooking up with some other guy online during the following week, and beginning your encounter at the bar (when you'll see them again) by excitedly showing everyone the pics of the hot guy you f**ked on Tuesday. This re-establishes the bar-buddy relationship by making it clear to everyone that nothing has changed between you and them. Don't worry, as soon as you're done, your other bar buddies will be whipping out their phones to show you the guys THEY met last week, too

Warning: These rules do not necessarily apply to the ex- of a friend or bar buddy. Frankly, I'm still puzzing over them and trying to figure them out myself.

I recommend against ever having sex with the ex- of anyone whose friendship you genuinely value. NTs can be weird about that sometimes.

Sex with the ex- of a bar buddy is generally OK, as long as both he and the ex are bar buddies who are actively part of the same group as you. Nevertheless, I don't recommend being the first one in the group to test the waters. Let's be honest. We're aspies, and our ability to judge others' relationship status generally sucks. Let someone else f**k him first, then see how his ex- reacts the following weekend.

It's cool that you found who you were in the end and that you can now experience love. I wish I was simply gay, that would make things much easier...

I remember watching Queer as Folk and being horrified by that extremely sex-oriented culture. This kind of thing may happen in bar/clubs but I doubt it happen in all environments. On dating websites most gays seem to be really looking for love (although some are really sexual).

There are as many stories as there are men to tell them. (I'm limiting my musing to the world of gay men. I leave it to one of my lesbian peers to bring her perspective to this).

I confess to a certain amount of suprise that there is so little new under the sun. Here is a world where young men are coming out in ever greater numbers, where the internet provides us with instant communication with other gay men (filtered for age, location, height, weight and whatever kinks one chooses to check or uncheck) and where we have a wealth of literature, film, television and news that serves to normalize our relationships. And yet the bar continues to be the staple venue at which we meet, pair off and try, for a few hours, to reconcile our physical need for sex and our emotional need for connection.

Great article...I have had a similar experience following my heart, only it was minus the Lady Gaga playing in the background. Like Radiofixr said, I need to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them. However, I often feel like I'm the only one that feels that way around here...I'm glad to know I'm not!