A somewhat bizarre issue...

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Hi, I'm a heterosexual male and I've had the misfortune to fall in love with a lesbian. She is really the sweetest and nicest person I have ever met and (aside from her being lesbian) she has all the qualities of my ideal girlfriend (I don't know her terribly well but there's nothing I don't like about her that I know of and I am willing to compromise somewhat). According to a scientific study I read, girls have (or are more likely to have) more fluid sexualities than men. I have little interest in sex (I don't think I would mind a long-term relationship with no sex) and want more of a 'romantic' relationship than a 'sexual' one, and even then, more based on warmth and quiet affection than passion and excess. I still would like intimacy though.

In any case, the reason I came here is I would like to know; is it a realistic possibility that, should she know this is the sort of relationship I want, she may be willing to enter into a relationship with me? A lesbian somewhere else on this subforum mentioned she would be willing to have sex with a man but not have a relationship, which I find a bit depressing, but since, to my understanding, women typically want the more emotional side of a relationship than men do, though I don't know to what extent lesbians differ. I know that there is always a chance where I do not know all the factors involved (and I most certainly don't in this situation) but I want to know how much of a chance there most likely is, whether 0.00001% or 20%.

Also, should she not be likely to, would a typical lesbian feel okay about being friends with a boy who had admitted to having feelings for her? She is the only person I have every had any inclination to hug and I'm not sure if she would like that either, though she hugs her female friends a lot.

I just want her to be happy...

I've known some good people in the past who happen to be lesbian.

I think you should stop regarding her as a possible future partner, or that you see her as attractive for a relationship, because you don't want to risk turning her off.

What might help, (and I speak from experience here), is that she can accompany you in various places where you can get to know other women. The female friend in her can give you excellent advice there. If she happens to be attractive also, then it will make you appear attractive to other girls if you are seen to be friends with her.

Hi, this may be somewhat disjointed so please bear with me.

I'm a lesbian, and for several years my best friend was a straight man who had feelings for me. We lived together, we worked together, he was just my very best friend. I'm not good at picking up on social ques, particularly in romantic situations, so I never noticed, and it never bothered me. Then one day, he showed up in tears, sobbing that he was in love with me, and he was sorry and he didn't know what to do.

We had several long conversations which involved a lot of discussion about the logic of attraction and what being a lesbian meant for me. I did love him, dearly, and sometimes I have difficulty discerning what between intense romantic love and intense love between friends. In the end I decided I would be comfortable having sex with him, but couldn't commit to a boyfriend-girlfriend sort of relationship because that kind of companionship with men is not something that I desire. I don't connect with them in the same way and it feels somehow alien.

Anyway things got complicated in ways that I hadn't predicted. My community rejected me to a degree I wasn't prepared for, he started calling me his girlfriend, and expected a kind of connection I can't share with him. I loved him dearly, but not in the way he needed. Things became very messy and I had a great deal of difficulty understanding where he was coming from and why my lesbian friends had rejected me in the way they had. I had to sever all ties with him, made several suicide attempts, and ended up having to completely rebuild my life from scratch.

My advice to you, though I know it isn't what you want to hear, is don't mess with the bond you already have. Sexuality and identity are complicated and things come up that you can't predict or prepare for. If I could go back and undue that portion of my life I would, more than that, I would go back and undue the friendship with him all together, from before I even knew he was in love with me. Not because I don't value the friendship I had with him, and certainly not because I didn't love him dearly, but because the ramifications of his confession dismantled so much of my life, my sense of self, community, and sanity.

That's just my two cents.

This is not really a bizarre issue -- well, maybe for a straight person it is, but falling in love with a straight friend is a very, very common thing for gay people, to the point where I think some people almost consider it a rite of passage.

I think it is probably best to assume that a person who identifies as lesbian isn't interested in a romantic or sexual relationship with a man.

Beyond that it's pretty much impossible to say anything because there is simply no such thing as a "typical lesbian" and basically anything having to do with anyone other than her will be irrelevant to your situation.

Agree 100% - I lost a very close childhood friend because he wanted to be more, and I thought, if I say no then maybe he'll just keep pursuing. Eventually I did say no, after we had been dating for a while and things got messy and we now say hi maybe once a year, if that.

Close friendships are more important than relationships... Relationships don't always work out, sometimes it's just sexual frustration initiating your feelings towards your friend. Maybe it's the fact she is a lesbian and you know subconsciously you can't have her, making you want her more and seeing her as some perfect individual who can do no wrong.

At the least, get to know her better... As a friend

Thanks for the advice, people. I figured most people would say things like what has been said here, but I just get hopeful...

Anyway, we don't really have much of a bond at present, because both of us are extremely shy and cannot really say anything to one another other than a mumbled 'hi' every time we encounter one another. I've been thinking about asking one of her friends (some of whom I know a bit) to talk to her about it, though I haven't really found a good opportunity yet. I've also thought about asking her if she wants to talk to me more, though I get too shy about that too. I'm not sure how the end of school at the end of this year will affect things, since I only ever see her at school and I have no idea if she is going to the same university as me, if to university at all.

But yeah, I suppose it is futile to hope for a relationship, and so perhaps this knowledge may enable me to be a little more focused on becoming friends. It may help me lose my feelings for her, because it should help me see her more realistically, and not knowing her has maintained my feelings for her for about 3 years now. Somehow that feels really depressing, but I know later on I will look back and know I did the right thing...

I just did a bit of research, and I have decided that I may actually be asexual but capable of sensual attraction, or perhaps grey-asexual...

Does this change anything?

Sorry to quote you from so far back, but this is one of the things I could never understand about myself. My "first love" was a straight man who I made fleeting eye contact with several times. Because that had never happened to me before, I fell head over heels in love ... but grew terrified at the same time of saying anything to him. Then I tried to go back to my usual not making ANY eye contact, and he got the (wrong) message that I wasn't interested in him. Although I think from his point of view he might have just been relieved that any interest in him coming from me turned out to be not the case.