Gay guys and bisexuals

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I've been noticing something lately. Why does it seem like gay guys generally dislike bi guys?

Ever since I first accepted my sexual orientation, it seems like every gay guy I meet or read about has this aversion to bi guys, or to getting involved with bi guys in any way. What's the deal!?

I just got turned down by a gay guy on the grounds that I was bisexual and not completely gay. And as I just mentioned, he's not the first one I've met who seems to be opposed to any prospects of dating or getting involved with a bi guy. I know that this is really happening and that it's not a matter of me perceiving it wrong, because many of these gay guys have stated outright that they don't want anything to do with bi guys.

The guy who rejected me said that since I was bi, that means that I might be interested in women in the future. Uh, yeah? And the fact that you're gay means that you could be interested in other guys in the future, right? In what way would the possibility of me seeing women in the future affect you, exactly? And why would it be your business who I was involved with, unless I were cheating on you? Because if that's what you're leery of, then I have news for you: cheating on someone is cheating on someone, my friend. The biological sex of the person you would be seeing on the side doesn't matter. Just like you would be pissed if I started seeing a woman outside of the relationship between you and me, I would be pissed if you started seeing a guy other than me outside of our relationship. And for all you're accusing me of, I could cheat on you with another guy! So you may as well be equally averse to me for being into guys! And therefore, you may as well be averse to me for being sexually oriented to any biological sex at all! You may as well be averse to other "100% gay" males for that matter!

And that all tells me that there might be something else going on here. But I can't quite put my finger on it. How could my sexual orientation possibly matter to someone if we are both a good fit? If me and and someone of the same sex as me hit it off, are perfect together and are sexually attracted to each other, then why on Earth should it ever matter what my sexual orientation is!?!?!? Is there a certain level of "being into guys" that I must reach before I am sufficient enough of a male to deserve the affection of another male? If so, why? There's no reason for it! This is ridiculous! What is it, some sort of fraternal organization or something? If so, then it's really stupid.

I really don't get it. Whiskey, tango, foxtrot...

Bi-phobia is something that occurs in both the gay and lesbian communities and is very sad.

I actually gravitate more towards bi and pan folk, but I was involved with a lesbian transwoman for many years, despite me not identifying as female (or as male for that matter).

Open-mindedness is a good thing.

Now, I'm not expert on the subject but...

Seems like some bisexual people are only sexually attracted to one gender and only romantically attracted to the other gender or.. odd things like that. And, while there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, it could be a fear of some people that you are not 100% attracted to men. Or that it is a "phase" or that your sexuality may switch. I don't know how common this is, but I've at least heard of it happening.

I've also had a bisexual guy tell me that he'd never be able to be with just one person forever.. because he would miss sex with the other gender.
I tend to be more attracted to bisexual guys than straight guys, but so far, all the bisexual guys I've come across are highly sexual, have very high sex drives, and are in open relationships or want this type of thing. My sex drive is low and I want a relationship more than I want sex, so this is one thing that's starting to turn me away from bisexuals. I'm not saying that all bisexuals are like this, but this is what I've seen so far.
I'm a straight female, so I don't know what the average gay guy states on his dating profile, however. I can just compare straight guys to bi guys.

I'm sure a lot of people also "experiment" and may give bi and pan sexuals a bad name.

If at all, im sapiosexual and i think the average redneck despises sapiosexual people because their preferences and requirements are so far out of reach for him.

women are even less likely to be alright with a bisexual boyfriend in my experience. Not everyone of them but the one's who can deal with it are in the minority. many are too scared and insecure and think they could never compete with men or because a bisexual male is not manly enough in their eyes. I am not talking about my own dating experiences by the way, but things I have over heard or read women say. Part of their reasoning may be sound because men who want to be polygamous often come out as bisexual to their girlfriends/boyfriends where as the monogamous ones may be less likely to come out.

My philosophy (if I had a partner) might just be to not mention bisexuality. If you're in a relationship with that person, they don't need to know about your attraction to the other sex.

I have encountered this as well. It's all over the internet. Wonder how all these gay people would feel if everyone told them they were just "trans and in denial" their whole lives. Sometimes I find a thread like this and die a little.
http://www.datalounge.com/cgi-bin/iowa/ ... 11448772,1

Really there is no way for bisexuals to win. If you end up in a committed opposite-sex relationship, then clearly you took the easy path and "ran back under the shelter of your hetero privilege". If you end up in a committed same-sex relationship you're "gay and in denial". And if you end up living a polyamorous lifestyle, you're a "greedy slut who isn't worth dating". No matter what you do, you're confirming a stereotype.

That said, my boyfriend is gay, and he's pretty cool about it. I have a few gay friends IRL that are all super chill and accepting. I think it may be a generational thing. Our generation has a much more accepting attitude towards all types of sexualities and gender identities. The older generations had to face a lot more prejudice, and they've been hardened by their circumstances. Someone coming out in the 70s might have been much more likely to do the "bi now gay later" thing, whereas now the stigma is much lower, and most gay guys I know just came right out as gay, and many people who would've identified as straight in the 60s and 70s identify as bi now.

I know (or at least hope) that you're speaking anecdotally here but these are all gross misconceptions.

Yeah don't do this. If someone isn't going to accept you for who are and can't understand how someone can be bisexual and also monogamous, then the person isn't really worth your time. It is your right to not disclose that information, but anything involving the absence of communication is generally a bad idea.

I agree to some extent, but if you're in a serious relationship with someone, what is the point of saying you are sexually attracted to people other than them? Let's say that I like Asian girls. If my girlfriend wasn't Asian I would certainly never bring up the fact that I adore asian women. It's the same with any preference. No one needs to know who you're attracted to, especially not your partner when that attraction is towards someone other than them.

The point is that open honesty is the key to any successful relationship. Feelings and thoughts are not a crime, and any partner who thinks so is not a partner worth having.

People are attracted to all sorts of things, and telling people to be ashamed or dishonest about the things they like is harmful to everyone.

I'm just speaking from my experience. I think I see more non-monogamous bisexuals because, like Iloveshoujoai said, the less sexual, more monogamous bisexuals don't make their sexuality as known or may never experience enough to realize their full sexuality. *shrugs*

What I was trying to say is, I can see where bisexual fears come from.

I think it's partly the stereotype that bisexual people are unable to stick with just one partner because they want sex with both. Bisexuality is seen by others as synonymous with promiscuity and inability to commit, and if you were working under that assumption, wouldn't you also see a bisexual person as a noncompatible partner? I don't really understand where this assumption came from, but then I know nothing about LGBT stuff, despite falling under the umbrella.

And then I think it is partly the fact that there is a tendency for people of either sex tend to feel insecure in a relationship and be very anxious about whether their partner finds them more attractive than others. If your partner is openly displaying attraction to people of the opposite sex to you, that's even more anxiety-inducing than them displaying attraction to someone else of the same sex because of the contrast between you and the person they are showing interest in - for example, a brunette woman would probably be upset to find out her male partner finds blondes very attractive because she would be concerned he would become bored of her and look for a blonde partner. Make that person a man and it is far worse. The worry that your partner will find someone they like better is also worse because they have more potential partners to choose from. Also, a gay man is always going to think a bisexual man will ultimately choose a woman, given that they can have a heteronormative marriage, social acceptance and children. A woman would probably be very concerned about the promiscuous nature of the culture of gay men and concerned that she is not sufficient for her partner sexually. And so on and so on.

While what you say is logical, OP, people do not operate on logic, and I think that while the situation is sad for those of us who do not care what gender our partner is (while I am mostly asexual, I fall into this category, and am unable to use the word "bisexual" because of the associated assumptions), it is also perfectly understandable given the general pattern of worries and insecurities human beings experience in romantic relationships.

This is a great thread. I am bisexual but also in a long-term monogamous relationship ... 15 years. Sometimes I find myself attracted to women who aren't my wife and sometimes I find myself checking out cute guys. But if you are in a relationship with a partner you truly care about, feelings of respect come before sexual urges ... and the desire to be having sex with both men and women takes a back seat (no pun intended ).

Being bisexual is probably the greatest challenge of my life simply because it is something I have to deal with every day. And I am well aware of the biases expressed by both the straight and gay communities. As far as straights are concerned, being bi equals gay and as far as the gay community is concerned, being bi equals straight.

It is what it is. Every person's sexuality is highly specific and gays are just as capable of discrimination as straights. The term "breeders" doesn't have foundations in the kind of tolerance that the gay community tries to demand.

I've read the posts on this thread, and some of them make sense.

With that having been said, it is sheer prejudice to evaluate someone's level of promiscuity or loyalty purely on their sexual orientation, regardless of what your past experiences have been with persons of that sexual orientation. By definition, it is prejudice.

And prejudice sucks, as I'm sure we all know quite well. I definitely know that it sucks- I just experienced it.

So how about we stop contributing to the already-too-high level of prejudice in the world?

I'm a bisexual male in a relationship going on two years with a gay male. I haven't ever discussed my attraction to women with him. I consider it part of my private thoughts, so I don't feel the need to tell people. I feel that letting my thoughts and feelings flow freely, both internally and in how I act on them, rather than focusing on a label is much more conducive to mental health.

With that being said, it's absolutely ridiculous the things said about bisexuals, and in my experience, gay guys are worse than straight girls. I don't understand the irrational fear, but I don't hold it against gay guys, because I know plenty of them are open-minded, and if they're shallow enough to be prejudiced, they are probably too shallow for me.

Agree wholeheartedly, and yes, gay men can judge bisexuals harsher than str8 females IME. My own gay brother is convinced I'm just vacillating and is very dismissive of my orientation. Well, that relationship is mostly irreconcilable anyway, so not too broken up. It is hypocrisy, plain and simple -- denying I have sexual and companionship attractions for women, but identifying as male-only sexual or otherwise, would be as hypocritical as pretending to be str8, when you're not. It doesn't help that some closeted individuals *do* use this identifier as such, a crutch against confrontation.

Throw the processing difficulties that Aspies have, into *that* blender... and things can get very complicated very quickly...