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frostbite
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12 Jan 2013, 3:28 pm

Hello, I am a young bisexual/biromantic man. I starting noticing my attraction to men as well as women when I was 14 (or earlier). I am currently at about 4 on the Kinsey scale, and have been like this for at least 3/4 of a year. I also happen to have parents who are very devout protestant (the not so gay friendly variety). I have fully accepted myself for who I am. I love my family despite their flaws and I have a decent relationship with them now. I am really sick of having to lie to them so much. The urge to come out is getting more and more intense, but I am just afraid of the impending shitstorm that might follow. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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redrobin62
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12 Jan 2013, 3:58 pm

I was but I moved out to save my sanity.



frostbite
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12 Jan 2013, 3:59 pm

I am moving out this summer actually


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12 Jan 2013, 4:25 pm

Is homophobia part of your parents' belief or just the general protestant belief? There is certainly a difference between political/societal views and your attitude when your loved ones are involved, though cases of renouncement are unfortunately not too uncommon. The extent of your religiosity (or lack thereof) and their awareness of it might be another decisive factor, as it is unreasonable to expect self-suppressive behaviour from one with no incentive to suppress themselves. Finally, for too many people there are certain things they would not address or reveal to their parents. When, how and if are important questions if maintaining warm family relationships is important to you.



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12 Jan 2013, 4:33 pm

I am against "coming out." It reinforces the false conception that bisexuality (biromanticality?) is something bizarre, a family crisis that needs to be discussed. The burden should not be on on you to tell them; the burden ought to be on them not to assume. If you simply live your life the way you want to, they will figure it out. If they ask you, answer honestly.

Your situation is a bit different since you say that you outright lied to them. I would simply suggest that you stop lying (if you haven't already), but don't make a big deal out of who you are. Don't try to hide it, and don't seek to reveal it. Just be.



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12 Jan 2013, 7:38 pm

What's with all the "homophobia" crap? So his parents don't agree with his lifestyle. Last I checked, that wasn't a mortal sin. I'm so sick and tired of people being accused of "homophobia" when they simply don't agree with that way of life. Grow up.



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12 Jan 2013, 8:25 pm

Ignorant people are troublesome, harmful and scary.



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12 Jan 2013, 10:20 pm

Since you are concerned that they will reject you based on their religious views, point out that the bible does not really object to homosexuality or bisexuality.

If they try to bring up the part of the bible where it says "If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.", that's the Leviticus code. You can point out to them that the Leviticus code also bans haircuts and pork.

If they bring up the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, point out that the story is really about hospitality.

There are ways to argue these things. Also, there is the possibility that as soon as they hear that you are bisexual they will stop caring what the Christianity says, because it is suddenly personal enough that it trumps their religion. In the long run, it is better to come out than you have your family constantly feel that you are hiding something, but have them not know what.


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fossil_n
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13 Jan 2013, 12:08 am

I suggest you read or watch this, it will help you explain to your parents why being gay/bi should not be considered a sin. You could also have them read/watch this. It is a very in depth and thorough analysis of all the passages in the bible (very few) that are associated with homosexuality.

http://www.matthewvines.com/transcript



meems
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13 Jan 2013, 1:28 am

noxnocturne wrote:
What's with all the "homophobia" crap? So his parents don't agree with his lifestyle. Last I checked, that wasn't a mortal sin. I'm so sick and tired of people being accused of "homophobia" when they simply don't agree with that way of life. Grow up.


I think it's just a term that can be used to describe a broad range of negative, irrational beliefs/behavior toward those who are not heterosexual. Believing people are going to suffer for an eternity because of the gender they are romantically attracted to is more than disagreeing with a lifestyle. Queerness really isn't a lifestyle, it's part of our identity just as much as being totally heteronormative is part of a lot of people's identities.

I hope that makes sense, I'm not trying to attack what you say. I just think there's more to that word than what a lot of people think.

To the OP, this may be a bare minimum of what advice I can offer, but since you live with them, you might want to wait until you can move out before you tell them. Especially if you're unsure of how they are going to react. You can't always predict what changes will come. It might seem hard to keep it suppressed but I would really think it through.

I can't say what's right for you but those are just my initial thoughts on the subject. Good luck, though, do what you think is best and remember to be kind to yourself no matter what anyone else thinks.


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14 Jan 2013, 3:17 pm

frostbite,

I tend to hold to the maxim, "Better out than in." I also believe that it is much better for you to come out well before you leave home, rather than after. Telling your family on the doorstep is a bit like lobbing a grenade in the room. Even if there is a shitstorm, you will have done your family the respect to be truthful with them in circumstances where they are provided with both the opportunity to respond to you, and to have some time within which to do it.

This will not be an easy transition, but I do believe that parental love and affection is largely unconditional, and that even the most devout parents can see beyond doctrine and remember the child. If you are fortunate enough to have such parents, you will have a few months of time in which you can all be assured that nothing important in your relationship has changed. If you are unfortunate enough to have parents who aren't capable of doing so, at least you will know that your time under their roof is limited.

But this is just my opinion, based on the limited information that I have. You know yourself and your parents best, and you are the only judge of when it is best for you to come out to them.

noxnocturne wrote:
What's with all the "homophobia" crap? So his parents don't agree with his lifestyle. Last I checked, that wasn't a mortal sin. I'm so sick and tired of people being accused of "homophobia" when they simply don't agree with that way of life. Grow up.


That ranks pretty high on the list of offensive sentiments that I have had the misfortune to read this month.

Let's remember, these are his parents. When friends are intolerant about your sexuality, you can find new friends. But cutting your parents out of your life provides for no replacement. These are people who play an important role in frostbite's life, and people who, presumably, he would prefer to continue to play an important role in his life. How is that hope to be reconciled not with mere "disagreement" but a fundamental breach? Would a boyfriend of his be welcomed to family events, and if so, on equal terms as a girlfriend would be? Will he provided with the same emotional support after a breakup with a boyfriend as he would after a breakup with a girlfriend? We can hope that the answers to these questions would be, "yes," if not initially, then at least with time. But no one will know until that time comes.

At let's be crystal clear: it's not a lifestyle. It's a life. It's not a way of life, it's an existence.

If you can't tell the difference, then you are going to continue to offend a lot of people. If that's what you want, I am in no position to stand in your way, but don't expect any respect from me in return.


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14 Jan 2013, 3:27 pm

noxnocturne wrote:
What's with all the "homophobia" crap? So his parents don't agree with his lifestyle. Last I checked, that wasn't a mortal sin. I'm so sick and tired of people being accused of "homophobia" when they simply don't agree with that way of life. Grow up.


Assuming you are a straight male, is your attraction and desire for women a way of life that you can turn off at will if your parents hated heterosexuality and wanted you to be gay?