Fear of change

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I am not sure as to how I could word this but I am dreadfully afraid of changes that I will need to make in order to fulfill desires that I have repressed for most of my life. I am a 20 yr old male but have strong identification with being a female. I have desires to change the way I dress and speak, in other the role I embody as well as the presentation of that. I don't know why I get so stuck in the conflicting feels rather than just coming out so to speak.. I think it mainly has to do with fear of people. I was heavily bullied and repressed for most of my childhood and I think that has made me my own bully in this situation.

I myself am faced with this delema, fluxus. I'm not yet transitioned to the guy I feel so strongly that I am and am not sure how family or anyone else for that matter, are going to react. But, it's not their decision to make, isn't it? A thing I've learned throughout my sixteen years of being on earth is that worrying about what people might think of you and what you think you have to do to make them pleased, will tear you apart. It's not a cheesy caption, it's the truth. I keep seeing teens and adults bending over backwards trying to follow the crowd just so they don't get judged. And, though they might be smiling in a group with the latest fashion or "style" during the day, they go home depressed and unhappy in the evening. The same consept is happening with being a closeted transgender. You'll walk around in the wrong skin because that's the only you that people have always seen and they're happy, but you're going home with a knot in your chest because the feeling of being caged inside yourself is almost unbearable.

Do not let yourself fall in that kind of depression, especially when you know the solution. Fearing what others think or do to you of course, as we all know, isn't a new thing for transgenders and gays, you're not alone. Here's a question however that will appear in your head (I keep asking myself this very question numerous of times) you know you're not alone, but where the hell are the others going through the same thing? Yes yes, the internet but comments on a computer isn't the same as actually sitting down and talking to someone. *Sigh* .........to be honest......the only two things that keep pushing and driving me forward is inspiration and motivation. ANYTHING to give me the courage or earge to strengthen my mental attitude while facing this. Stories on coming out from others on the internet, video blogs of other transgenders, heck, music that you can relate to helps for sure! I can't tell you how many times I've listened to Not Afraid and Til' I Collapse by Emenim!

Fear of people, I can definantly relate. I can't say I was frequently bullied only because I think I scared most of the students around me. I think I carried an air that creeped them out. And, the bullies I did have were teachers. God awful experience when your in the third grade and being constantly insulted by your teacher. My fear of people was so strong that I hadn't even approached the counter when paying for something at a store until I was around 14 years old, and here was my little sister at age 11 skipping up to that counter like it was nothing. I still have a strong fear of people but am trying desperately to break free of it. I'm so tired of being scared of someone when all they might really be doing is just trying to have a decent conversation with me. It's an ongoing battle trying to get a grip on a fear that I've had all of my life.

I do have a question though, do you have close friends or friend to talk to or "lean on" while going through this?

-The Blue-Eyed Alien

You have to ask yourself what's worse. Don't you have just as much fear of staying the same? Isn't the thought of becoming more physically masculine overtime as your body matures without intervention even more dreadful than the thought of having to change? You're still only 20. I bet you wouldn't want to transition when your 60. Many people have to do that unfortunately.

If the fear of change is greater than any of your incentives to transition then maybe you shouldn't. If you need to transition the fear of change won't make a difference.

You could always talk to a gender therapist. That's probably a good idea. Even if it turns out you don't transition it can really help you sort things out.

@TheBlueEyedAlien:

*golf clap*

Excellent post. Especially for being 16. It's very true what they say about us Aspies being intellectually precocious. The only thing I want to point out to you is that while you're bang on, you've got to try to practice what you preach as constantly as possible vs. being self conscious about people looking at you due to the type of clothing you're wearing etc as you mentioned in another thread. 1. You don't even know what they're thinking, you can't possibly know, you're only making assumptions and causing yourself stress and anxiety and depression because of it. 2. It doesn't matter what they're thinking, even if it's negative, so what? It doesn't change that you can be happily thinking happy thoughts and feeling good to your heart's content. 3. If your clothing style is unique enough that it's bound to get some stares and glances, just roll with that, anticipate it, accept it. Don't worry about what they're thinking or assume they're judging you. Just be yourself. For all you know they're thinking "Damn that person looks so.. comfortable! Too bad I feel like I have to conform and where this social uniform of whatever the current fashion trend is to feel like I fit in, especially since they keep changing the rules & I have to spend more and more money to conform. What a vicious circle of BS, if only I could be as free as that person right over there - so comfortable in their clothes & in the skin they're in that even though they stand out like a sore thumb, they're strolling through life with their head held high and smile on their face. If only I had their kind of confidence!" OK, not very probable - but possible, and possible is all I or any of us need.

@fluxus:

A bit of an extension of what I wrote above here to blueeyed, but in a nutshell: Learn to not have your own happiness codependent on others in any way. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels. Your happiness does not have to depend on their approval or support or anything else from anyone else. Happiness comes from within, from being present, from being free, from being content & appreciative vs. wanting. Thoughts dictate emotions (and emotions dictate actions). If you're not feeling good or happy, it's because your thinking something negative - whether it's something sad, or something frustrating, or negative in any way.. how you feel is entirely dependant on how you think. There are many books out there on the topic and I've read several. My brief outline of things here may be all you need to contemplate and learn to be a better happier version of yourself, but I still highly recommend picking up some books and reading about these things. I'm 30, and gay & only recently out to family and more and more comfortable with myself etc, but if I could go back in time and give my teenaged self plenty of advice I'd tell myself to learn as much as I could about things like these, and to practice them, and to practice them some more - because when your mind is the single most valuable thing you could ever learn to change. Once you're thinking clearly and feeling good, life gets better, and you can move ever closer to the goal of just Being free. "Be free," btw is the single best piece of advice I've ever been given, followed up by a very close second of "Be present." Being present, focusing your thoughts, feelings & actions all on whatever it is you're doing in the moment = a whole lot more happiness, not to mention productivity, and reduced stress/anxiety/depression. It's been studied and quantified and proven. Those who are thinking about something else than what's going on in the moment are much less likely to be happy. And of the activities reported, the single most common activity people participate in when they're thinking/feeling/acting present during is... no surprise: sex. Makes perfect sense, also.

I really appreciate all your responses!
@blueeyedalien
I do have friends to lean on like you said but they are being very cautious. My girlfriend is the closest person but as you can imagine it is very hard on her since she is basically losing me as a boyfriend.

@goldfish21
Your advice rings true to me. It seems like the more I repress the less I am able to be in the present! I think they are correlated..

I'm sure that they are, but maybe not any more correlated than anything else you could have on your mind. Being present involves your thoughts & emotions & actions all focused on the same thing - whatever it is you're doing in the present moment. If you're thinking about anything else at all, whether past or future or something bothering you (repressing things etc, whatever, could be absolutely anything.) then you're not being present.. and of course, of repressing things causes you to dwell on them and think about them more and more and more, then more and more of your time will be dominated by this vs. being present, and in turn being happy. So, while it makes sense that the more you repress things the less present you'll be, it's not so much the repression specifically is it is that repressed thoughts/feelings & contemplations are occupying your mind more and more vs. whatever it is you're doing in the present that ought to be what you're thinking/feeling about. A very positive daydream about a special interest you'd rather be indulging in could be equally as distracting from being present as these repressed thoughts/emotions cause just by simply being a thought about something other than the present. Make sense?

To Fluxus

Hm, so they don't understand. Well, frick! If it weren't for the fact that no one's made teleporting possible I'd zap myself over to you to...well, be of any help, comfort even. I know I'm only sixteen and wouldn't seem of any good to a 20 year old but dang it, I don't even feel sixteen! I feel much older than that.
Well, besides not having teleport, being too young and new at approaching people, my shoulders are available to lean on. Even though they're small...

To goldfish21,

Thanks for the clap, haha! It boosted a level of confidence in me.
The previous thread you read from me I'm guessing was titled, 'I'm so Sick and Tired of The Confined Views of People in Society Today' or something like that. If it is, I'll clearify on what I meant there. I'm not worried what people might be thinking if they see me in my prefered clothing or look. If I were strolling down the street, at a store or at a public pool, I would not give a care at the crowds opinion. In that thread, I mentioned how angry I was at my best friend's mother for thinking very negitively about what I wore swimming at a public pool. Yes, I was, but I would've still worn what I wanted to wear. However, It's not really her thoughts on the matter that bugged me-correction-buggs me, it's what she'll do to my best friend as a result of her untolerence for my choice. It sickens me how that woman works.... Instead of the usual reaction that some people in my case get, you know, the glares, ugly remarks, hurtful shout-outs, threats, etc. what I get is fake smiles and laughs, casual talk and those nods that people do when your talking to them. Like when they're listening to you and nod in what looks like understanding or agreement. It's fake and all acts. But, once I'm out of the house, the mother flips a switch and all of that hate is unleashed on her eldest daughter for befriending someone like me. No, she doesn't beat her, but she wrongfully punishes her and treats her like scum when she's done nothing wrong. All in all, no I don't care what she thinks or anyone for that matter about me, but it's what she can and will do to my best friend if I push at her. Hell, come to think of it, her mother's the only one that keeping me from transitioning! I worry that she's burn all of the bridges that me and her daughter have of connection; I just don't want my friend to suffer like that because of me.

I have a idea that you as male but you like a female back at you. I believe that what I call your mind image of yourself. When you see yourself or when other see the physical you. Is it the same thing you see yourself.