OK, I had a gay male try to pick me up today @ the mall.....

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So today, I bought some new sandals and flip flops (dressy and nice), got a mani & pedi plus eyebrow wax. I went to the mall to buy a new cologne for the summer and this absolute flamming, (no disrespect for the flamming gays) probably 22 year old gay kid working at the perfume/cologne store kept smiling at me - flirting. When he winked I was like WTF? I thought "OK, he's OBVIOUSLY effeminate and gay, does he think I am gay? Does he think I'm a top?"

("Top" meaning the 'stud'/'giver' in a gay relationship or "man" Get it, "TOP"?)

Anyway, I played gay and told him I was married to a man and I wasn't interested. That is the second time or so that I played gay for a brief minute in my life. The little guy gave me his number and told me to call him sometime if I ever wanted a good BJ. NO kidding, I swear on my life. OK, I understand gay men are right to the point, but at his work? Really? I'm not out to get him in trouble, I don't really care about that. But what I do care about is, does the world when they view me, view me as gay? I can see 'metrosexual' but people say metrosexual men look gay to them.

I was dressed down today: black shorts, gray hoodie but super nice Calvin Klein GORGEOUS black leather dressy flip flops. Grant, I just got a mani & pedi with buffed/shiny nails and a eyebrow wax, but my haircut is buzzed - military style and I do wear hoop earrings - one in each ear, tiny, 1/2 inch in diameter. I have a nice looking face for a guy - I'm NOT effeminate (in public at least), but I'm rather butch in public.

So what I'm wondering is, did this effeminate gay kid take to my 'cleanliness' as gay? i.e. sandals, pedicure, manicure, earrings as "gay" - but see my macho attitude and think 1+1=gay top? I have NEVER in my life had a gay guy, let alone effeminate gay not just hit one me and give me his number, but outright ask me for sex.

I'm at a point if I seem gay by the things I do, so be it. I am who I am, love who I am, love the things I do. If they are traditionally female, so be it. It's 2013 and I'll be damned if anyone is going to tell me what to wear - my wife loves me the same. I used to wear a ankle bracelet and toe ring, but I finally realized that is just SCREAMING gay so I gave it up.

Should I be flattered in some way? Confused? Scared? I'm kinda lost in my mind right now. I kinda consider myself bisexual, but a bottom for men - DEFINITELY NOT a TOP! Oh my...... LOL

Sorry to tell you fella, but you are probably the only person in the world who doesnt realise that you are very Gay indeed.

You don't have to feel in a certain way about anything. If you were pleased, you were. If you weren't, you weren't. You can also wear whatever you like whether that makes you look gay, weird, snobbish, beautiful or anything. You shouldn't be restricted by your gender, age, sexual orientation or anything.

Your username makes me wonder how you perceive yourself. Are you like your username when you are alone but just a typical male-looking man in public? Maybe that 22-year-old-looking boy saw something in you.

I can see how this guy might think you were gay. Don't assume that he was a bottom and thought you were a top though. Despite stereotypes, I don't think you can infer that from people's appearance.

When I was 16 my family went to Wildwood Beach in New Jersey for vacation. I kept getting hit on by guys when I went to the boardwalk alone. I was wearing an ankle bracelet and toe ring and a temporary tattoo on my right foot. Several guys kept commenting on the tattoo and hit on me.

You can't, it's true - but sometimes the stereotypes are actually tropes. If you're a bottom looking for a top, it pays to look and dress in such a way that advertises your preferences. Clothing is not just about keeping us warm and dry - it's about social communication. If you wear death metal T-shirts, you're identifying with death metal fans. We wear black at funerals to indicate grief or solemnity.

Don't assume anything, but consider it a strong indicator and go from there. And unless you're in a relationship already, why the hell are you turning down offers of oral sex??

From my limited understanding (I'm a girl) I thought not every gay guy is either a bottom or a top. I'm sure most of them switch it around, or some of them don't even think about those roles when doing stuff to each other. I don't consider myself butch or femme and don't tend to go for people who are playing those roles strictly. I know s**t about being a gay man, though.

For lesbian couples, the butch/femme thing is entirely arbitrary. For gay men, top/bottom roles do have a physical meaning - though whether you act like a typical top/bottom is also arbitrary. You can divide gay men into four groups - those who are only top, those who are only bottom, those that are versatile (take either role) and those that don't get involved in that stuff at all.

I suspect there's a sliding scale sort of thing.

There's this dumb idea in the lesbian community that the truest butches are 'stone butches' and don't like being touched or sexually stimulated at all. Basically a 'butch role' in lesbian sex is where you do most of, if not all the 'work'. So it has some physical meaning for lesbians, but I suspect it's only a very small number of women who do the 'stone butch' thing.

And even though tops or bottoms may prefer that position, with the right person or under the right circumstances many of them may be convinced to switch occasionally.

It's funny you say that, I've battled for years about being just bi or full out gay. When I transitioned to female, my wife and I separated for a while and I dated a guy. I was passable, had no issues with that - and I LOVED it when we went to dinner, the movies, bars, clubs, etc - we just appeared to be a normal hetero couple. The way he held be, embraced me, kissed me, touched me, cared for me was wonderful. It seemed to fill that part of my brain that I desired: to a girl who was truly loved and thought of nothing more than 100% girl. We never had sex in all the time we dated, but, he knew I was religious, but just the way he looked at me, held me and kissed me, made my body tingle unlike ANYTHING I've ever experienced as a male in a hetero male/female relationship.

But to be in a relationship with a male as a male (i.e. just a gay couple) I couldn't do that. I couldn't hold hands in public with a guy - no way in hell. Behind closed doors...... umm, maybe I could. But to be "out" as gay? I'll die first. I guess I don't realize I'm gay, because I like women too much. And don't give me that crap of bisexual = gay. Gay men don't like women. I'd rather live a life of bisexuality than a life of being out gay.

"Gay indeed" ? No, not really... because not even the gay guys I know do the effeminate stuff that I do.

How I perceive myself is:

I don't believe that there should be anything that one could/should do to separate gender stereotypes from male to female. Trust me, I've TRIED to the point I've had migraines to try to 'fix' the way I think about the gender binary system. My brain sees habits, traits, mannerism's, clothing, shoes as gender neutral - really, no BS. Example, I don't see why a woman lesbian or straight shouldn't be allowed to wear a mans suit and mans shoes or a guy wear a dress and heels. literally, something I admit is wrong with my brain because I can NOT see why it shouldn't be allowed. Grant womens clothes are designed for womens bodies, but create a male version of a dress even in nor bright colors and create a manly high heel. Create the look of a mans suit and shoes, but tailor it to fit the curvy womens body.

I really wish my brain didn't think like this but it does. Hey, at least I don't wear anklets and toe rings anymore. It's taken me a decade, but I realize it's a little too bitchy, even for me. I dont shave my body either - anymore, although I find hair disgusting.

My mind is androgynous is respect to it doesn't see itself as 100% male or female, but about 50/50.

Did the kid see something in me? Maybe. I'll take a trip up there this week and ask him. To the bottom thing, I'm pretty damn sure he was a bottom by what he said, effeminate behavior, and the fact that he nicely basically called me a "bear". WTF

And just a side note on the bottom/top thing:

Gay relationships from what I've seen are usually top/bottom, butch/fem roles. I lived in Oaklawn for a while, Dallas's GLBT section two blocks off the club/strip area - I "think" I've seen it all. I've seen:

Gay-
butch/fem couples
butch/butch couples
butch/M2F
no fem/fem couples

Les-
stud/fem
fem/fem
F2M/fem
no stud/stud couples


Not saying they don't exist, but in all the years I've lived there and been to PRIDE parades, I've never seen it.

So certain 'stereotypes' "do" 'click' together.

Reading this thread is actually slightly infuriating to me. It's like when someone comes up to you on the street and asks "Who's top and who's bottom?". First, Top and bottom are preferred sexual positions and have zero relevance in how feminine or masculine you are as a man. I am so tired of people repeating this worn out stereotype. Secondly, while the stereotypes may have some credence as far as feminine guys being attracted to masculine guys and vice versa, keep in mind that it's not going to apply 100% of the time. I have always considered two people in a relationship to be equal partners. I don't see myself as fitting perfectly into either role, and I don't see myself dating someone who would. It really irritates me when people talk about the community and insist on using stereotypes to describe us. We are all human and we range in all aspects of life. Please don't try to box us in to stereotypes.

As for your situation, he probably found you attractive and thought to give you a chance. Playing along with it is where I think you went wrong. You should have politely said that you're not gay and you're married and then walked away. Instead you lead him on and then came home and posted here about your encounter. That's pretty messed up in my opinion. Honestly, you should be flattered that another human being found you attractive and left it at that. Be happy that someone else in this world noticed you. That's all that anyone can hope for in this life.

That 'gay kid' may have thought you were gay; he could also have thought that, gay or straight, your appearance showed you weren't uptight about your sexuality and might be interested in receiving a no strings attached BJ. Maybe it's an approach that's worked for him in the past.

Sounds like something in your eye contact with may have inadvertently suggested interest, or at least, availability. (Been there, done that.)

My advice: be flattered that he thought you hot enough to make his offer so brazenly. If you happen to see him again and still feel guilty for lying about being married to a man, you can just tell him that you were taken by surprise by his offer and wanted to turn him down gently, but you are happily married to a woman. I doubt it would be the first time he's heard that. But really, you are under no moral obligation to explain yourself to him.