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l0st0ne
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27 Jun 2013, 12:57 pm

Depends only if the girl is really hot tbh, but it would annoy me and make me feel bad.



puddingmouse
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27 Jun 2013, 4:19 pm

l0st0ne wrote:
Depends only if the girl is really hot tbh, but it would annoy me and make me feel bad.


Why?


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novastar369
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28 Jun 2013, 11:20 pm

Dear PM

I've enjoyed reading your thread and can relate to how confounded you feel. Even though I identify as lesbian I still find NT women a minefield and the whole dating thing does my head in! I feel because I'm not overly femme or butch that I don't fit in. I sometimes question how attractive I am, especially when I go out with a woman on a first date and I can't tell if she's into me.

Recently I went on a first date with a woman and I thought we got along personality wise, very well. She said she's call me the next day and she didn't. Then I get an email saying "sorry it didn't work out" and I'm thinking WTF!! ! People go on about our lack of communication but trying to read women who say one thing and do another is a pain! Then I've gone out with other women who make it clear straight away that they think I'm hot.

I know there's a contigency of lesbians who won't date bi-women, I think there's a fear of them not being monogamous or they've been burnt before. It's not an issue for me, as long as the woman is being honest.



puddingmouse
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29 Jun 2013, 7:07 pm

novastar369 wrote:
Dear PM

I've enjoyed reading your thread and can relate to how confounded you feel. Even though I identify as lesbian I still find NT women a minefield and the whole dating thing does my head in! I feel because I'm not overly femme or butch that I don't fit in. I sometimes question how attractive I am, especially when I go out with a woman on a first date and I can't tell if she's into me.

Recently I went on a first date with a woman and I thought we got along personality wise, very well. She said she's call me the next day and she didn't. Then I get an email saying "sorry it didn't work out" and I'm thinking WTF!! ! People go on about our lack of communication but trying to read women who say one thing and do another is a pain! Then I've gone out with other women who make it clear straight away that they think I'm hot.

I know there's a contigency of lesbians who won't date bi-women, I think there's a fear of them not being monogamous or they've been burnt before. It's not an issue for me, as long as the woman is being honest.


Ah, I'm so glad that you can relate to me. Sounds silly, but a lesbian saying they have the same trouble with women is reassuring. I love women, but they are weird :lol:


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07 Aug 2013, 7:38 pm

I think it really depends on the person. I think it takes longer to build trust with a bi person and I don't know why. Having said that, my wife and I have not labeled ourselves. Due to our histories, one might label us as "bi".. There ARE times I wonder if she wants to be with a man (even just for a momentary fling) and it bothers me. At the same time, there are men who I find sexually attractive too - just don't put me in a relationship with one. Weird.



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07 Aug 2013, 8:21 pm

^Why does that bother you more than the idea of her wanting to be with another woman? Is it like a betrayal of the gay ideal, or something?

I just take it as given that whoever I'm with will think about being with someone else because it's human nature. I wouldn't stop them, either if they were above-board about everything.

Anyway, I'm an odd one in that I just couldn't have a one-night stand with a man unless he was a very good friend. Due to my past I don't trust men physically as much as I trust women.


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ASDsmom
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08 Aug 2013, 8:38 pm

puddingmouse wrote:
^Why does that bother you more than the idea of her wanting to be with another woman? Is it like a betrayal of the gay ideal, or something?


Honestly, I can't answer that one. It just does. Maybe it's because I don't feel threatened that she'd want to be with another woman but could potentially want to be with a man, instead. So, the thought of her "cheating" makes me uncomfortable and I do question whether or not she has already. Then again, she HAS called me paranoid about this, alone.



NotYourAverageAspie
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11 Aug 2013, 1:41 pm

I think it all depends on the lesbian. Some lesbians are put off by bisexual girls because they believe all the stereotypes about them (as a bisexual girl yourself, I'm sure you understand what I mean). Some lesbians are put off by girls who aren't completely butch or femme because that's not their type. However, some lesbians aren't put off by either of those traits. I, personally, don't care what sexual orientation a girl identifies as, so long as she's at least somewhat interested in other girls. I also don't care about whether or not a girl is completely femme or butch; I'm attracted to all different types of girls. I hope that you find this answer helpful :)

(Also, just so you know, I'm actually not a lesbian; I'm a homoromantic asexual. However, I'm still a girl who's solely interested in other girls, so I thought sharing my personal feelings would be worthwhile.)


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11 Aug 2013, 1:59 pm

I'm a straight guy, but my (now-ex) girlfriend has always been bi-curious and ended up dating a lesbian girl in order to "find herself" / "fill a void in her life".

I gave tacit approval for her to go off with a girl because I felt it was selfish to force someone to potentially live a lie for the rest of their lives. I love her, so I want her to be happy. If there's things she is unsure about, and a hole in her existence, then I wish her well in trying to make herself whole. Because I love her, not because I don't.

However the girl she chose to see is a lesbian who doesn't accept there's such a thing as "bi". In her eyes everyone is either 100% straight or gay. As a result she basically said "one or two dates, and then I need you to commit". So even though she knew perfectly well that my girlfriend was uncertain and experimenting, she basically led her to a cliff edge and asked whether she wanted to jump.

I don't think anyone is going to come out of this well. We have split up, so I am hurt. Her lesbian partner is trying to force the issue far too early, and putting too much pressure on my ex, so she'll probably end up hurt. And my girlfriend has not had her wishes or feelings taken into account, so I suspect sooner or later she will be hurt too.

Quite frankly it amazes me that someone is arrogant and selfish enough to destroy an existing relationship and impose their values on someone who is clearly confused, without really caring about the feelings of either of the other two people involved, and including the girl she supposedly cares about. That behaviour worries me in itself, in terms of how they will get on and how things will pan out. All I can see on the horizon is storm clouds, and that's not out of bitterness, I just think the motives and the timing and everything else about it is all wrong.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that some lesbians just don't accept that there's such a thing as bisexuality, and at the end of the day not accepting it simply leads to more confusion and heartache. It's important to change your views to fit the world, rather than trying to change the world to fit your views. Such self-delusion simply isn't healthy. And secondly, if you are bi, do the decent thing and love one partner at a time, for who they really are, rather than trying to engineer a half-hearted and complicated compromise that will end up hurting everyone.


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puddingmouse
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11 Aug 2013, 4:15 pm

What do you mean change my views to fit the world? And I'm certain I'm bi. And when I love someone, I do it with all my heart(just ask anyone I've ever loved,) but I can love more than one person at a time. My love is in infinite supply.

I wouldn't get into a relationship like the one your girlfriend's in. I'd tell that lesbian to take a hike. Wanting everything your own way like that isn't really love. Love doesn't come with expectations and I never try to change people and don't appreciate them trying to change me.


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sociable_hermit
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12 Aug 2013, 4:19 am

Ah sorry, not aimed at you. I meant that the whole "there's no such thing as bi" attitude of her new partner reeks of militant idealism rather than ideas formed from genuine experiences in the real world.


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JennaTheAspie
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29 Feb 2016, 11:31 am

Hi there. I know this post is super old but I felt compelled to reply.
I am a 34 year old out femme lesbian (no I'm not a militant lesbian, no I don't have male genital envy, no I've never been molested or abused in any way, no bisexual woman ever left me for a man or cheated with one, I don't chase after straight girls as a sport, no I'm not jealous of bisexual girls, I don't feel like I need to compete with men, this is not a phase, I'm not secretly bi, no I don't need to find the right man) I just mentioned to you just a few of the stereotypes and erasures that I have encountered being a femme lesbian, even from bisexual women (a lot of bi women) I have only ever noticed the ignorance from neurotypical women whether they be bi or lesbian. I'm not sure if NT women are just more bigoted than NT men but anyway...

I came out almost 2 decades ago. I have no issues with bi women being bisexual, but I have been approached by more of the stereotypical bisexual women. I have no issues dating them but I message no one for dates usually, regardless of sexuality because I am just a shy girl.
Anyway, my experience as a femme lesbian with bisexual girls has been absolutely horrid in the way that on dating sites I always get messages from them asking me for threesomes, them telling me that I'll like it, them offering me alcohol or weed to "ease into it". A lot of the time, when I say no and tell them that I am a lesbian who is exclusive to women and *that* genitalia, some proceed to be extremely lesbophobic towards me. They have called me things like dyke, lesbo and homo. I am telling them nicely.
This happens because the femme lesbian is not only the forbidden fruit and challenge to straight men.....but we are also the same to the bi women who fit their sexuality's stereotypes. I know not all bi women fit the stereotypes and I do still date them although I don't date often as I don't have a massive interest in it. I am told by women of all sexualities that I am very attractive (sometimes they'll add the "for a lesbian" part in it, which I have heard for the past 2 decades)

Those are the reasons why a femme lesbian usually doesn't like bisexual women, but they could also not like them because maybe they have had bad experiences with them. I can't speak for butches since I'm not butch. The things I mentioned above can, and do happen to butch lesbians too...just not at the astronomical level a femme lesbian sees it. Her identity is erased by everyone. I know it's not very PC to put bi women in a negative light when discussing these things and biphobia without receiving massive backlash from bi women on a lot of sites and articles. There are lesbians who do bully bi women but even the lesbians who are nice get trashed sometimes. I do have to say though, seeing anyone try to invalidate the sexuality of another human being through policing is not helping anyone, regardless of "officer's" label. I skim through stuff and never ever post on those things. I just like knowing what's happening in the LGBT community.
I hope you end up finding a nice girl whether she be lesbian or bisexual. Bisexuals are hard to understand for some people, but it seems no one really understands gay men or lesbians who are exclusive to women and their "bits"....we femme lesbians do get it really awful. By the way, we are in the community. Many lesbians, butch and femme alike, come out as bi even though we know we're not (I know I did) and then proceed to stay home and hide under rocks or actually try to make ourselves like men (more common in femme lesbians since we're constantly told we aren't valid and all we need is a good man
Sorry for rambling on lol.

P.S To the man who posted about his bi curious wife : Go on any chosen dating site and you will see LOADS of bi curious women, and a good amount of actual bi women, who are looking for sex. Stereotypes exist for a reason just like in any community (lesbians included), because there are people who actually fit them. I've been out for about 2 decades now and bi curious women USUALLY are NOT looking to hold hands and watch the sun set. Please don't paint a lesbian to be bad while you paint a bi woman to be innocent. I hate seeing that. It will cause great issues for the bi community to come. They go through enough as it is....and so do we.



Louehni
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29 Feb 2016, 7:15 pm

I'm definitely not put off by bi girls. I've had crushes on straight girls, bi girls and lesbians. But I don't think I particularly fit into the butch/femme categories either. I guess I'd rather identify based on other things about myself (my career, my interests, my personality, my family) than by how I express my gender. If somebody were to want to date me some day, I would want them to like me based on who I am rather than what I look like or how I dress. That being said, I'm definitely way more comfortable in pants than a skirt. I wouldn't say I'm butch, but I'm DEFINITELY not femme. And I wouldn't say I'm 100% lesbian either. Like a 5 on the Kinsey scale. So, I dunno if I count as a lesbian for your purposes. But no, no problem with bi girls.

Some people mentioned that it could be because men are usually expected to initiate conversation/relationships/whatever else whereas a girl might find that harder/might wait for you to initiate instead. I think that makes a lot of sense. I certainly don't know how to initiate a relationship. And I think that since I'm maybe a bit more masculine than the girls I have a tendency to like, I would be expected to initiate. The result is just that I don't date. So, what I'm saying is that girls could like you and just not say anything about it whereas boys might be more likely to act.