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beneficii
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26 Nov 2013, 4:09 pm

Well, I called again and they said 302.85, which is "Gender identity disorder in adolescents or adults," so it seems then that's what they've been billing. They seemed annoyed by my questioning, as well.


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beneficii
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26 Nov 2013, 9:05 pm

I've got a career transition meeting tomorrow at 6:30 AM that I should go to. I get off from work tonight at 11 PM. I've apparently got a phone call coming up (maybe next week or so cuz of Thanksgiving?) I've gotta try to do my best on. I'm over here trying to do all this stuff and, frankly, I'm afraid I'm just going to get overloaded again. My thinking will turn funny, and negative, and my emotions will become dysregulated again. I may end up in the hospital again, again placed with the men, again internalizing everything, and end up with another dozen or so medical bills that I will have difficulty keeping track of.

Of course, when I reveal the source of my distress, my need for SRS, it would just be mocked, treated like the vain desire for a luxury item. And I will feel the hurt of invalidation, choosing between a trans community that doesn't fully understand me or loneliness.

It would have been nice to live in a country that provides for all this. I could have transitioned in confidence 10 years ago, instead of entering into a long period of negativity, self-hate, and utter fear. I could have just done my thing, gone to work/school, just pay the few bills I have, and let the system do its thing. Alas. That was not meant to be.

I wonder if there is anyway to break out of this cycle?


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LoveNotHate
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27 Nov 2013, 1:43 am

beneficii wrote:

I wonder if there is anyway to break out of this cycle?


My cycle is thinking of suicide.

I think about it everyday.

My mind is hurting and does not want to accept and live with the past trauma.



stardraigh
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27 Nov 2013, 8:41 am

LoveNotHate wrote:
beneficii wrote:

I wonder if there is anyway to break out of this cycle?


My cycle is thinking of suicide.

I think about it everyday.

My mind is hurting and does not want to accept and live with the past trauma.


I know that feel with past trauma. Not only do I stim with sensory input, but I stim a pretty specific way when my brain decides to remember things and now I have to integrate the input from the memory. Usually its past trauma.

I occasionally find myself on the doorstep of suicide ideation. But usually, I just stop doing things, if I can, that stress me out, even if those things aren't the major cause of stress. Any reduction in stress helps.

Usually to cope, I drink, ditch my reservations that I've instituted to mitigate my aspie communication problems and just say random or blunt things, or just not give a crap and let my quality of work with what I'm doing slide.

But as for breaking out. I don't think one can. I haven't done it yet.


Beneficii, please tell us if you're comfortable about it, what you can about how your meeting went at work. I've yet to come out at work although a few people know. No one has ever shared there experience of a meeting with HR with me or in my presence, and I don't have any expectations about that type of thing, or what some of the costs, concerns brought by HR would be.


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beneficii
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27 Nov 2013, 1:40 pm

stardraigh,

Well, I spoke with the HR rep yesterday. About the bathroom usage, he said it would be better for me to just keep using the unisex bathroom. (Thanks for letting me know subtly I don't pass too well!) I told him about the issue of sometimes having to wait a while because people seem to use that as their pampering place and he admitted that at night he will change clothes in the unisex bathroom. I then brought up the Office of Personnel Management's policy on bathrooms and asked if our company had a policy. He said we did not, but that he will communicate this with the higher-ups.

We then moved to the subject of coverage of transition-related procedures. He told me that that is chosen entirely by the insurance company--aren't we self-funded? I immediately thought--and that they don't have any plans, employer or otherwise, that cover transition-related procedures--now this I believed. I said that there were other carriers that do offer such plans. He said he was going to get me to talk to someone higher up. I then started speaking of how I felt I was in a bind, like how I was told by the previous HR rep I couldn't use the women's bathroom until I had had "the surgery," which I couldn't afford. I talked about how distressing this was for me. I talked about how in reality the costs of covering these procedures are low, especially for a big company like ours, because of low utilization. I talked about the hidden costs of not covering these procedures, how the distress landed me in the hospital multiple times, with our plan having to pay out more than $10,000 for the hospital stays, which likely would not have happened had I not been in such distress to begin with. I talked about that even with the hospital stays, I was just back to square one, not any better than before. He told me I was going to have to tell all this again to the higher-up--gee, thanks, I thought.

So I will get to talk to the higher-up. I also plan to add, this time around, that my mental health professionals recommend this treatment.

I don't think it will get anywhere personally, and they may try, but then use some roadblock as an excuse to give up. I was reading one common objection in the HRC's Transgender Healthcare White Paper. Since our insurance administrator does not seem to offer any plans that include coverage of transition-related procedures, they may come back with, "Our insurance carrier representative has responded with a proposal which includes a significantly increased premium." Of course, there is a rebuttal in the White Paper, which asks the insurance carrier to reveal how they calculate such costs, and such calculations often reveal highly erroneous assumptions about utilization, but I would be willing to bet that the higher-up I would work with would just quit at this point.

http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resourc ... aper_4.pdf

Maybe I should ask HRC for assistance. I'm not sure what to ask, though.


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kittylover
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27 Nov 2013, 2:42 pm

I'm MTF with Asperger's, but haven't transitioned because I look hopelessly like a guy. I don't see a point in transition if everyone would see me as a man in a dress, since I'd be worse off than I am now.

I've been on hormones for 5.5 years, and have had my facial hair fried off, but it's not enough. I'm 6'3" / 190 cm, with huge hands and feet. The only women's shoes that only exist in my size are crossdresser shoes. All throughout high school, people tried to get me to play (American) football because of my size and I hated it.

My gender dysphoria is really strong. Several times per week, I end up lying in bed and crying for hours, such as right now. I don't want to live anymore, but I don't have the courage to act on that.

There is nothing left for me in life but loneliness and despair. I've never been with anyone before, because I don't want anyone to touch me when I have this horrible body.

I see a therapist and psychiatrist, and have quite a list of meds, but they don't help much.



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27 Nov 2013, 4:28 pm

kittylover wrote:
My gender dysphoria is really strong. Several times per week, I end up lying in bed and crying for hours, such as right now. I don't want to live anymore, but I don't have the courage to act on that.

There is nothing left for me in life but loneliness and despair. I've never been with anyone before, because I don't want anyone to touch me when I have this horrible body.


This is heart-breaking to hear. :(



Last edited by LoveNotHate on 27 Nov 2013, 5:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LoveNotHate
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27 Nov 2013, 5:33 pm

kittylover wrote:
I'm MTF with Asperger's, but haven't transitioned because I look hopelessly like a guy. I don't see a point in transition if everyone would see me as a man in a dress, since I'd be worse off than I am now.


Kitty another thing ..

I noticed you are a programmer. You have a degree in computer science?

My employer is hiring comp sci grads. You may prefer the opportunity to work from home where it does not matter if you pass or not.



beneficii
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27 Nov 2013, 6:04 pm

I'm starting to have gender dysphoria again over my genitals and it feels like I've been punched in the stomach.


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27 Nov 2013, 6:57 pm

I've been criticized in the past for not being able to simply congratulate and feel happy happy for another trans person who has managed to get SRS. The problem for me is that when I read such cases, I cannot but help think back to my own sometimes hopeless situation, and the feeling rebounds in me, the vibrations spreading perceptibly through my body. The feeling is so strong and attention-grabbing and I am so weak against it that I must withdraw or unleash fury upon the person. Whatever the reason for this is, perhaps the tendency to experience things intensely and think rigidly as part of my autism spectrum disorder, or simply a failing of my person, it is my weakness. Because of this, I must be careful to shut out offensive things.

Here are the kinds of situations that bring about such feelings, and my common reactions of thought to them:

Statement: Post-ops have a very different experience from pre-ops and pre-ops must respect that.
My thoughts: I must be denied said experience if I cannot live in the right country, live in the right state/province, work for the right company, make enough money, find the right support, have the political winds blow in the right direction, etc., and I must be blamed for my lack of understanding. I am inferior. I am nothing.

Statement: A person mentions getting surgery or who I know is post-op making a statement on something.
My thoughts: I am nothing. Every person in the world conspires to deny me SRS while I must watch others get it.

Statement: Don't expect us to pay for your elective procedure. I want a brand new Lexus, but I can't get everything I want, you know.
My thoughts: That's it! The game is up! The wagons are closing in! This person is my ruler and determines my fate.

Statement: Don't worry! You'll be able to get surgery in due time!
My thoughts: I think of a person I knew online with schizoaffective disorder who initially transitioned in her 20s and is now in her 50s and needs surgery but hasn't been able to get it yet (in 30 years!), because she's poor, can only work menial jobs, and must live with her family in a crappy state that won't provide for SRS coverage anytime soon.

And there's more where this came from. So I hope people would realize that sometimes I may not act all that right and I want to let them know that that is my weakness. It is an eternal affliction and I do not know if I will ever be able to overcome. Right now, I feel weak and I am trembling a bit on the inside.


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kittylover
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28 Nov 2013, 8:13 am

LoveNotHate wrote:
Kitty another thing ..

I noticed you are a programmer. You have a degree in computer science?

My employer is hiring comp sci grads. You may prefer the opportunity to work from home where it does not matter if you pass or not.


I don't dress in women's clothes at home, either, because I think I look awful in them and it just causes more dysphoria to come up.

I have enough money saved up for whatever surgeries, but nothing that exists now can save my life, I don't think.



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28 Nov 2013, 11:01 am

kittylover wrote:
I don't dress in women's clothes at home, either, because I think I look awful in them and it just causes more dysphoria to come up.

I have enough money saved up for whatever surgeries, but nothing that exists now can save my life, I don't think.


My point was that there are a lot of federal jobs where you can work from home all the time. Working from home means you never have to see anyone and they never see you. I failed at a lot of jobs when I had gender dysphoria, because of the daily stress of going to a workplace and being around others increased the GD. It might make life more bearable.

Here is a woman 6'8 that is living and accepted as a woman ...

http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2012/12/ ... a-college/



kittylover
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28 Nov 2013, 3:52 pm

I need to look female for myself in order to be happy--that nobody would see me wouldn't affect that =(

Hugs and thanks for the ideas, though



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28 Nov 2013, 5:48 pm

kittylover wrote:
I need to look female for myself in order to be happy--that nobody would see me wouldn't affect that =(

Hugs and thanks for the ideas, though


Feels. :|


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beneficii
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28 Nov 2013, 7:21 pm

stardraigh wrote:
beneficii wrote:
OK, y'all, I've got a conundrum. Last year, I called the insurance company and asked about the exclusions on my employer's self-funded group plan (which I'm a part of) and they said all transition-related care from therapy through hormones to surgery was excluded. Now, I found out from my endocrinologist that all this time I've been doing hormones, he's been billing my insurance company for both office visits and lab work (to include checking the T and the E) using the ICD-9 CM code 302.85, which is "Gender identity disorder in adolescents or adults." According to my Explanations of Benefits, those office visits and lab work have all been covered except for the specialist co-pay. In addition, my estradiol prescriptions and (previously) my spironolactone prescriptions have all been covered by our prescription drug plan, except for the co-pay for generics.

Does anyone have an explanation for this discrepancy? It's not like my endocrinologist hasn't been open about what these hormones are being used for, LOL.

Should I move forward, like HR originally recommended, and try to get preauthorization for SRS or would that come back to bite me?


When I started HRT with my previous doc, He said that he would bill my insurance a different way than how he would normally do so in order for them to not immediately refuse it. I didn't understand the explanation so I don't have details. Needless to say, they've been covering everything so far with checkup visits and the prescriptions except for one drug which they only cover under 1 specific circumstance and I don't fit that.

My local LGBT community center recommended to a support group I occasionally attend there, that we should bill our insurance anyway for everything. If they refuse, appeal it. If they refuse again, appeal again, and keep on and eventually they would cave. They mentioned two others mtf trans who were known to several in the room at the time had experienced this and upon several appeals finally had their insurance cover SRS among other things. This isn't to say it will always work out like that, but it can happen.

For myself, I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row. I'm literally typing this right now as I'm doing an allergy test. I get surgery on my knee in a week. I just did hair transplant surgery a month ago. I'm trying to get everything taken care of both for transitioning and otherwise. I'm having a hard time saving up anything because I spend it on my few hobbies to stay sane and paying off my hair transplant. I don't expect Aetna to cover anything, and will at some point save up what I can and finance the rest. Ideally, Aetna will cover it and I can spend what I saved up on either the copay, and/or additional surgeries like FFS.


Ja. That's why I'm pressing my therapist to write the letter and to get another therapist in a purely evaluative role to write teh letter, too, and then to apply and press on both ends, the insurance company end and the HR end. I think that as we move forward in time, with the way Obamacare is set up, with the resolutions by the major psychiatric organizations, a whole lot of the recent court rulings on SRS, some states and many employers and schools covering SRS on their health plans (without running into major cost problems), and being more likely to be backed up by doctors, this process will become more and more likely to succeed until universal coverage for SRS is won. Of course, the downside is that my company is based in the South.

I have that same issue with saving; however, I see that my retirement accounts are slowly building up, so that option remains and I should be able to use it in the next 5 years, assuming no major economic collapse because of like peak oil in 2015 or something. I think our issues with saving are more executive functioning issues. It makes things more frustrating.


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beneficii
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28 Nov 2013, 7:46 pm

I made up with Natalie Reed yesterday. Yeah! What happened was last year I went into a big meltdown and took a lot of it out on her, which wasn't good. We shouldn't be having stupid infighting in the trans community!

Things do seem to be going better and I feel more optimistic tonight.


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