AS - Trans MTF

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"If you can't afford it and get approval for it, then tough! You're just a stupid little weakling! Keep that feeling of void going, keep that resentment, drive that enmity between you and those around you! You freak! You worthless piece of s**t! And f**k no, since you hadn't had the surgery yet, you must use the male facilities! If I see you even step a single foot into a female space, I will stomp a mudhole on your face! I will crush your nose and your glasses, dissect all your teeth! A piece of your temple will break off and pierce your brain, rendering you dumb and helpless (and ain't no one gonna approve you for surgery after that! HAHAHAHAH!); the meningeal arteries will burst and blood will flood the space between your cranium and your dura mater, pushing pushing pushing on your brain, until it is severed from all blood vessels and dies. You piece of s**t! You vile, worthless s**t! I will throw you overboard! I will grind your body into dust and blood!"

And if anyone wants background on the whole "stomp a mudhole" thing, here it is:

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/01/13/t ... er-people/

At work, the only bathroom I'm permitted to use is the single unisex bathroom. As sometimes happens, on the way out to lunch, I stopped in to use it, but it was already occupied. Of course, had I more bathroom options, being the fast walker that I am, I would have not had any problems using any other bathroom, but again, the only one I'm permitted to use is the unisex bathroom. (Perhaps, though, no one would have complained if I used the men's, but I'm not going there.) I had to wait more than 5 minutes for the present occupant to finally get out (and they always act surprised to see someone there waiting). I then thought, I'm living as a woman and have been for some time. There's also that policy the federal OPM has for its restrooms, having people use the restrooms that reflect their current presentation.

But then I remembered my conversation with HR back in November/December, when I presented the policy the OPM had and, in accordance with the company's nondiscrimination policy regarding gender identity, recommended that they permit trans people to use the restrooms of the sex they're presenting as. Well, that didn't go so well. He told me (paraphrasing), It would just be better for you to use the unisex bathroom. Spineless piece of s**t.

The message was clear, however. Whatever the women on that thread I started on Women's Discussion regarding on bathroom usage, the ones who said it was OK were clearly lying, just trying to be nice, just trying to be politically correct (and of course if I did follow up their approval and use the women's bathroom and got in trouble, they'd disappear in a heartbeat). What the HR manager told me, but not in so many words, was the truth: It is folly for you to use the women's bathroom and don't think you can use it and fit in. It is his statement that produces the feeling of being knocked and that feeling of being knocked is an important sign, because it always hides a kernel of truth.

It is clear to me that unisex bathrooms, wherever I can find them, are my only options. If I go on a long trip, then I must dehydrate myself, so that the need to use the bathroom would not arise. I must avoid long events, lest the need to use the bathroom arise.

Of course, implicit in all this messaging is, Why don't you just use the men's room? Why must you be so difficult, so stubborn? Why don't you work to keep the peace a little.

And inside that there is yet a deeper kernel of truth lying beneath the surface of that kernel: I am no Nicole Maines. I am a hideous freak of nature, hated by all others.

Well, f**k them all. Beyond absolutely the minimum to survive, I see no reason to waste my valuable time trying to befriend such despicable people, of both the openly hateful and of the duplicitous kind.

Regarding all this, access to surgery, my appearance, etc., I feel this very negative feeling. There is this burning in my chest, but I know it's not heartburn: It's the gender dysphoria. I've been zoning out a lot more than usual and I've been aggravated by interacting with people.

I feel like crap, a void opening inside me.

I can neither express nor comprehend the pain inside me. What I am realizing is that American society is fundamentally evil and needs to be destroyed and that will happen. In the next few decades a neo-fascist dictatorship will rise to power, launch World War III, and cause the rest of the world to rain destruction down upon the United States. From that, we can rebuild society into something better.

Most people are basically evil, spineless f*****s. All I know is this: If, as a trans person, you cannot provide for your own needs, expect that no one anywhere will ever come to your assistance. Trans people should cease giving to charity (except trans charities), should cease doing anything to enrich the lives of cis people, and do the bare minimum for cis people to get what we need. We should know that cis people don't give a s**t about our needs or us.

If anything, there is little need for trans people ourselves to interact much. We can't soothe each other's pain and invariably trans discussions in real life devolve into chitchats about movies, video games, and the meaning of the color red, because nothing else can be done for each other.

Just forget it. If you can't provide for yourself, expect nothing from others. There is no purpose for trans people to participate in society. Just get a good, comfortable abode and do what you can to get what you need.

I was thinking about something when presenting yourself as a woman:

If you look masculine, but have good social skills, then you can probably do alright.
If you look feminine, but have poor social skills, you may have problems but would be accepted as a woman.
If you look masculine and have poor social skills, then you'll come across as some weird stalker freak dude who wears his mummy's underwear to get off on himself.

On the wisdom (or the lack thereof) of picking a male name plus an 'a' at the end

When you can't hear the 'a' at the end very well, you don't know if it's just because they decided to call you by that male name (a name you may have never gone by) or they just spoke the 'a' really really softly. You always wonder, but you know you cannot ask: It would be too awkward. Somebody might have just been a little soft with the 'a' and now by bringing it up, you are driving a wedge between you and the other person, putting them on the defensive.

You then realize that your lack of understanding and trust will drive you from others regardless, leading to further and further isolation and your utter failure as a human being.

One mistake

This trans woman self-advocate has studied extensively the research on the effectiveness of sex reassignment surgery in certain cases of GID and indeed the weight of the evidence is strongly in favor. Wielding this evidence, she rushes headlong into public debates. She comes across an intellectually dishonest debater. He hand-waves everything away, quote-mines sources (like that 2011 Swedish study, you know what I'm talking about), and speaks in quite disparaging terms. Nevertheless, she takes this as an opportunity to show readers of the discussion the evidence behind the effectiveness of SRS. The discussion is long and winding, with several displays of intellectual dishonesty, such as taking things out of context and saying the same thing over and over again hoping that it increases its validity (after warning the trans woman not to do the same).
The trans woman is thinking, great, I'm getting all this evidence out, and this seems like a fairly intelligent forum (looking elsewhere), but then she makes a mistake and the opponent seizes on it. She apologizes and corrects herself, and rewrites her point to take into account that correction, but her opponent won't stop.

OPPONENT: You thought you could slip that by me, eh? Well, no sir-ee am I going to allow that! Man, the intellectual dishonesty of those trannies is tragic!

TRANS WOMAN: I did correct myself upon having it pointed out. What about all those times I pointed out the missteps you made, the taking out of context your sources, all that stuff, and you haven't once come clean!

OPPONENT: Have you ever considered that I have not admitted anything because I have nothing to admit? Just because you say I was dishonest over and over again doesn't make it true. I've come pretty clean in this conversation. It's addled freaks like you who are the liars, the dishonest ones. Man you must be getting paid by those whack-a-job surgeons to do this or something.

Immediately, the trans woman's reality changes. She looks frantically over her sources and none of them are convincing to her anymore. This is all crap! she thinks. Oh I'll never get the surgery now! I am done for. Nobody's going to accept this crap.

A void opens up inside her and she is now exposed before a harsh world. They have found out my deep, terrible secret, she thinks, that I have been living and speaking a lie this whole time! I must go and hide! She then feels anger and bitterness, I am abandoned. No one assists, not anyone from the trans community, neither anyone else I thought would back me up! Well, f**k them all!

She contemplates suicide briefly, but the episode passes.

I'm seeing my endocrinologist to discuss the future of my transition and sex reassignment surgery. I then came across this:

My cardiologist says that for my mental health I should move to another statement, because of the bigoted environment here.

Well, that ain't gonna happen unless, either, I get a lot of help or I abandon everything here and simply leave.

As times has gone on, I have come to realize: There is no middle ground.

Huh. My endocrinologist recommended I move forward to surgery.

Is it possible that you have Androgynous and have Asperger syndrome, and be smart too. That you are been diagnose to be mentally ret*d. But you later in life that you found out you were average or above average. But you were seriously un-educated. But you personally choice a more androgynous look and behavior for yourself. And you choice to want to dress more like a girl. By want to wear dresses in public. To be simple to look pretty and be a male. I think it a crime that girls have a choice of clothing. From wearing a skirt and nylons. Wearing a pair of slacks and socks. And they called it fashion. If a boy wore a dress in public they would cause a problem. Even if they want wear the skirt and nylons for the day.


I been finding out their are several androgynous looking male dressing more feminine attire. I don't know if its a statement or that they feel comfortable in feminine clothing. I have been checking out what some male wear in public. I haven't found any male dressing in dresses.


But my problem is that I'm smarter than most. But seriously un-educated. So I another problem. Because I have these problems. Which me distress. I being told what I am. But aren't understood to much.