Dealing with HIV

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So although I'm an Aspie I used to try to be very social and always tried to be the best I could be physically, intellectually and emotionally. I never thought I was something especially great but at the very least I was nice to people and energetic and thought that for the right person I'd make a pretty decent companion. Although I wasn't the best, I did my best and tried to be the best person I could be for who I was. Approximately 3 years ago I was purposefully infected by HIV by a crazy guy who did it to several other men before being arrested and subsequently committing suicide in prison. Since then the logical dominance of my Aspie-ness had kept me a mere shadow of my former self and I really have no idea how to get out of this as I live in an area where no therapist is available for a this type of co-morbidity.

Although I luckily found out I am naturally resistant to the disease and it will probably never have a detrimental health effect on me, I still live with the label. And in my mind I have reclassified myself as a "Goodwill boyfriend" because I feel like I'm now used goods as it were on the market. My mind sabotages my old drive to be the best I could be and uses it against me. For example, before I could say out of a grade of 100 maybe I got an 87 in life which isn't all that bad of a grade and someone could be proud of. But now I feel like I have a grade cap of say 80 now and even if I worked as hard as I did before my relative grade would be 70, which is nothing to be especially impressed by.

Beyond that self-critique I also put myself into the shoes of perspective suitors. Some guys can get by the Aspie-ness because they find my personality unique and fun but it obviously takes a lot of learning and readjusting of expectations for someone. Now not only do they have that wall to jump but as soon as they land they have yet another issue to face. I can not fathom why anyone wouldn't just think to themselves, "why deal with all this when I can just go talk to another guy over there or find someone else on Grindr?" Beyond that, I have found other gay men treat poz guys pretty poorly. It has been my experience when dating that there are almost universally 2 responses. Either I get the "oh wow that's really interesting, i want to hear the whole story and we'll be good friends" or I get "oh awesome, a dirty anything goes little slut pig". Both just make my heart drop to the floor.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't come across as some depressive person in my interactions with others. I stimulate a lot of laughter and drive in the people I meet in life. But at the end of the day, I have completely become a prisoner in my own mind and my life is no longer anything I wish it to be in any form. I miss my old self soooooo badly but I can never be him again. Has anyone in this community had any experience with this and if so any resources/advice would be greatly appreciated.

I wonder if finding support groups for those who also have HIV would help you work through some of the issues you are having regarding the changes it has made to your live. I also wonder if it might help to re-evaluate where you look to meet other men, other than grindr, somewhere where they can get to know the real you, build a connection at which point your HIV status may factor in much less when deciding whether or not to enter into a relationship with you.

While I don't have HIV and I cannot relate directly, I do know what its like to be pre-judged and automatically excluded from a possible dating pool for other reasons. I have taken the same approach that I have suggested to you, I changed the forum in which I meet people for dating purposes, giving them a chance to get to know me, so that other issues that would ordinarily automatically exclude me, are not as big of a deal to them anymore.

I don't have personal experience beyond my own judgement of others, however, even that is valuable. I've told undetectable poz guys on grindr etc that I'm not comfortable with that. I've also been educated by some of them and read some recent articles about how serotyping amongst gay men should become a thing of the past since there have been exactly ZERO cases of undetectable poz guys infecting their partners. I can foresee a shift in thinking and attitudes over the coming years. HIV is an entirely treatable and controllable condition these days, even for those who experience negative health effects from it, and is no longer the death sentence it once was. Attitudes are changing. I know, not fast enough, but they are changing. I've gone from being completely uncomfortable with the idea to.. you know what? If I met the perfect guy for me and he just happened to be poz & undetectable, I might just have to give the relationship a chance and see what happens. I think there are a LOT of guys out there like me who's minds are changing & coming around to the idea of all of this being OK vs. scary as f**k - thanks to advances in medical technology and treatments, which continue to advance on a daily basis.

As for therapists.. if you can't access one locally, try online. If you can't do that, become your own therapist. Read the resources you need to in order to learn how to cope. I recommend reading books like Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns (CBT in book form) and The Power of Now by Echart Tolle as well as A New Earth; Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. The first is more depression/clinical related, the others are still valuable just in more of a thought process/spiritual sort of way.

Another option would be to move to a major port city with a large gay population and more resources to help you.

As for the aspieness, well, continue to be yourself as you are and deal with it.. or, if you're open to it, PM me an email address and I'll send you my story of how I've managed to very successfully treat my AS & other comorbid symptoms via natural medicine & probiotics over the last 2-3 years. My symptoms have gone from making me incapable of functioning in life and work to subclinical - I wouldn't even get a diagnosis now if I sought one. I've been back to work and life for a long time, happier, healthier, wealthier etc. Feel free to PM me about that any time. Same goes for anyone else reading this. Then perhaps you won't have the strong ASD and depression and other symptoms to contend with and you'll have an easier time accepting yourself and your situation as it is so you can make the absolute best of it and the rest of your life.

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