I think I'm trans but...

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To put it in terms like sexuality is put in terms or like autism is, it's like having aspergers or being Kinsey 5. I'm nb but I'd describe it as very trans masculine rather than agender or demi girl. I shouldn't have bottom surgery. But - I want others to perceive me as a man the vast majority of the time and even the times when I act 'girly' my ways of acting 'girly' are a bit like the bi guy ways to do that anyway.

If I'd been born a male I don't think I'd question my gender. But I think there'd be a camp/spice boy/soft boy part of my personality which basically only comes out when I'm being playful/mucking about, like if I'm dancing. And I'm civilised which sounds a bit reverse sexist but I notice in my immediate environment that if a guy likes to use cutlery in an all male (technically 99% male) environment or drink his beer from a glass etc he's perceived as soft/less of a man over that. That wouldn't make me question my gender if I was born a boy but it would make me think I was 'less of a man'.

For dating women, yeah there are lesbians who only want an active role. But are there straight women who do? Because I feel it quite intensely and consistently over guys too… I think maybe in the modern world there'd be Kinsey 5 pretty boy type guys who were prepared to have a Kinsey 5 woman who was completely masculine/more combat boots than stilettos? Just not in the world I'm in on a daily basis but then like I said, most people aren't into me anyway (I'm perceived as a teenager...). I was flirting with a Kinsey 5 guy on holiday (it was 18+ so even if we hadn't been talking he'd have known I was an adult and because of our conversations he knew I was at least 22) who was completely camp like that, I wonder if he'd be ok with that/someone like him would be ok with that. I never want anyone to take on the active role with me and I never want to date men who are more masculine in personality than I am although I have done in the past in order to fit the 'female role' and be socially acceptable and that felt weird and uncomfortable and like I was putting on an act.

I like WP because people are blunt and honest on here. I hate the modern way of just saying 'if you say you are, you are' without analysing it. It's not healthy because people then rush to doing surgeries etc. I think all deeply analytical people ask these questions sometimes. I do think I'm trans but there's a part of the nb spectrum which is trans masculine rather than binary trans man, to me the main difference is basically if you need surgery over it or are comfortable simply seeing your body as 'my body' or a 'trans masculine body'.

But I'm not in a place irl where I have a lot of guidance on this stuff from people I trust.

Yes, you have heterosexual women who like the “active” role, too.

I wouldn’t go for the surgery......because you really don’t want it, I sense.

If people can’t accept you for who are—screw them!