I'm autistic and I might be non-binary or trans

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I'm not sure how to word this but this entire experience is confusing. I'm going through an "unmasking" process of being on the spectrum for almost 40 years and I'm going through the experience of finding out who I am underneath all the masking I've done during those decades. Some of my closest friends came out as trans when one of our closest friends died and started undergoing transitions and started feeling better after they started. For the last 5 months, I've been considering it as well and started considering it as well as I've been trying to find my "true" identity. I've been a rather masculine(at times overly masculine) guy for years, MANY years, and have started reconsidering it.

Here's where it gets confusing, I liked some things that were considered "feminine" but most of what I enjoyed had a masculine bent to things still overall, even in childhood. I wasn't much into sports(unless I was forced into them) but I like things that a lot of boys liked: comics, video games, physical activity like tag, and more "masculine cartoons", I even like playing rough and other things that were considered masc. As well, I also had a keen, KEEN sexual interest in women even as early as 8 years old. But I also had a "feminine" side where I liked and professed to like animals, flowers, and plant life. Also, as I grew older, I also failed to have a passion for other masc things like cars, working with my hands, working in a physical job, and the like. And, later on, I figured I would get a literature degree and a sociology degree (double major) which is predominantly studied by females. During those years in college I also started taking to working out ... a lot ... just so I can get laid. Then I went through a period where I was into nothing but masc stuff in my early 30s for a couple of years until about 33 before I slowed that down ...

A couple of years passed when nothing notable happened except working and, at 35 I went through a major depression. I struggled but I managed to find work. In those workplaces, I was mocked for a number of things. I sit with my legs crossed under my desk for example and somebody in the 70s was mocking me for sitting like a woman or a girl I had long hair as well and was mocked for that too. However, I got offended when I was called a "she" mockingly despite the fact that I do like at least some of my masculine traits such as for example, my voice which sounds deep, expressive, and, frankly awesome(in fact, my voice is how I managed to survive for almost 10 years straight since my late 20's).

Now, here I am, almost 40 in about 3 weeks and this is where it gets VERY confusing. Since about 38 my breasts have grown rather noticeably and I hate them. I feel my male genitalia is right for me but every once in a while, every day, since the death of my friend 5 months ago, I've had feminine versions of myself come into my head such as me speaking softy and wearing feminine clothes like dresses or skirts. At first, it felt like an intrusive thought that started making me sick, retch in fact but the thoughts kept forcing their way into my head. Given that they kept coming, I tried to think of something else in order to distract myself from them. For a period mid-way, I did for about 2 months while working on a live-streaming project ... then, after I took a break from it, the thoughts came back, still uncomfortable with them but less disturbing ... the same as before.

Now, they're more dramatic. I'm occasionally now imagining myself with female genitalia which causes me to retch violently ... this happens VERY seldom but it makes me feel gross. I still don't like my moobs and, I did try on a dress once ... and it didn't feel right. Or rather, I just didn't feel anything.

Could I be having a crisis of identity or is it possible that I'm non-binary or trans? This experience is kind of tearing me apart and I don't want to start making key decisions in my life that could be irreversible, on top of that, I'm still going through my unmasking process. I worry because now I'm finding it's stressful to be a man and I have this thing that happens where my wrists and ankles feel hot when I'm conflicted as though my life fluids are going to burst out of my body. This to me feels like I'm fighting self-harm tendencies and I need to know about other people's experiences before I start seeing a gender-specialized psychiatrist to explore this further. Any help would be great.

Again, I'm just trying to see if there are other experiences out there because I also realize, in case, that being non-binary is an option if behavior can help me. Also ... combine with the stresses of unmasking, I might be going through a mid-life thing that could just pass. I need some input.

I was surprised to read " KEEN sexual interest in women even as early as 8 years old" because it is unusual for children to have sexual thoughts before puberty and is considered a sign of the child being a possible victim of inappropriate behaviour.

If it is the case that you have some unresolved trauma from your childhood it would probably be the best course to address that first.

Behaviours that are arbitrarily labelled masculine or feminine are not really indicators of anythng. Women can like cars and men can like flowers. All humans have mixtures of those traits.

It's not only women who can like literature or sit with their legs crossed.

Those thoughts you are having are just intrusive thoughts, as you identified.

If you have a bad reaction to those thoughts you might be suppressing them...which leads you to have them worse.

If you dont suppress those thoughts but simply let them come without any judgment, they do go away in my experience.

I think the lack of responses here is due to the fact that none of us are qualified to answer the questions that you have. In my opinion, you should speak to a therapist or, better yet, psychologist to help you work through some of your feelings and thoughts.

You could be nonbinary or trans.

I am concerned about the intrusive voices that you are hearing. This is not just about intrusive thoughts. Perhaps getting your mental health straightened out will help you think clearer which will enable you to decipher what your true identity is.

I couldn’t tell “what you are” unless I speak to you in person.

I do know people who consider themselves men….who do have “feminine” characteristics.

Like Twilight said, it’s possible you’re trans or nonbinary. It’s possible you’re not, too. Men’s breasts become bigger if they gain weight.

Seeing a therapist or a doctor just might prove useful.

Always remember : you are “you,” regardless of your sex or gender. Being “you” supersedes sex or gender.

TBH, the only really know is to try some of the stuff that can be tried in private without permanent commitment and see. When I realized that I was bi, I definitely did a bit of exploration to see kind of was it just my sexual orientation that wasn't straight, or were other bits of my gender identity other than I expected.

To make a long story short, I'm definitely by and also very masculine in the traditional sense, not the misandrous view that became more common in the later half of the last century. Which can be annoying at times, but it's me.

It might take shaving various things, putting on make up, taking it off and trying on different types of clothing to really know if it's you or just an idea that's gotten into your head. But, do yourself and everybody else a favor, under no circumstance should you take any photos of this unless you're 100% sure that's who you want to be in 20 years.

And if at all possible, get yourself a therapist that has experience with clients that are working through this. I'm not you, so I really can't tell you what's right for you, but I'm not sure you'll get any sort of reliable answer without trying things for yourself. I tried on a dress once and I'm still kind of POed about being laughed at, and having it be too tight to properly deal with the person laughing. Which is probably just as well, once I started fighting at the previous school, it became a daily to do list item. Sigh. Kids are immature and foolish sometimes.