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King Kat 1
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06 Mar 2021, 11:37 pm

I'm just curious, myself not very. I'm 41 and I basically came out at 27. My parents know, it's understood but it's not talked about. Extended family does not know, on either side. I've not seen my dad's side in years and my mom's side, which is small, a couple times a year. Work, No because I don't want negative attention and I'm pretty secretive about my life there.

I'm out to a couple friends online and for what its worth 2 EX friends. It's not something I really like to discuss, not really because of shame issues but I don't like being put on the spot. Being fussed over makes me nervous and weird, again myself being secretive about my life. I'm not sure if the autism has anything to do with all this but I don't think I could ever "go public" with my sexuality.


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FleaOfTheChill
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07 Mar 2021, 8:55 am

I'm not closeted. My parents and children know I'm pansexual. In the past when I have had friends, they have all known. I don't socialize much though, use social media, have a job or anything so I don't have many people to tell in general. In conversation with random people I might encounter, I don't go introducing myself like, "Hi. I'm Flea, the pansexual." :lol: but it's inevitable that if I talk to a person long enough, they will eventually ask me if I'm gay or straight or what my deal is. I give off a 'vibe', it seems. I have no issues with telling people is the point there.

I wonder now and then if having autism makes me more prone to care less about how I am received by people. I have a habit of being too forward and blunt. My stuff might be sort of the opposite of yours, where it makes you more reserved/private, it makes me more in people's metaphorical faces with my business due to my lack of 'filter'.



OutsideView
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07 Mar 2021, 9:13 am

I posted on another thread that I'm quite open in real life but this is one area where I'm the opposite. I wouldn't even like admitting to being attracted to one man who lots of other women liked so coming out with "I'm bi by the way" is a bit beyond me :mrgreen:

I told my husband before we got married and I've mentioned it to a couple of other people. I don't tell people I'm non-binary either but that's mostly because I'm not sure if I actually am.


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KT67
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07 Mar 2021, 9:15 am

My parents refuse to accept my gender & I find verbal conversation really hard.

Closest they'll give is 'person'. I'm a guy, not NB. I'm not one of those stupid terfs who's going to take offence at the word 'person' though. I'm human, I have that in common with women. I find it weird when people are offended at the word 'person'.

Everything else is out of SAD fear. I come out if I know it's a trans friendly environment. LGBT groups, LGBT retreats, things like that.

Otherwise I just use my language then when I'm asked for my name I give the name my mother signed me up under. I'm terrified of making a fuss.

I find writing much easier so I'm 100% either out online or stealth online. I no longer hang around with the kind of guys who misgender each other, thinking each other are cis but being full of toxic masculinity. I'm too much of a gentleman for 'Ad Bang Her' and 'Ah Cud Take You' type conversations. :roll:
*
When it comes to being bi, I don't exactly come out and say it. I'm pretty close to the 'Ad Bang Her' type conversation actually - just a tad classier so I'll say 'I'd date him' or 'I'd date her'. I say 'he's hot' or 'she's hot' etc. I say 'my ex girlfriend' and 'my ex boyfriend'. I'm just matter of fact over it. I outgrew the 'I have this deep serious secret to share with you' mindset a long time ago.

Also I'm pretty much bi/pan normative when it comes to talking to strangers. Unless and until someone says 'I'm straight' or 'I'm gay' I will use gender neutral language in asking them if they have a partner and I will include women in conversations of if a woman is hot, men in conversations of whether a man is hot etc. Because after all, a woman's boyfriend and a man's boyfriend and a woman's girlfriend and a man's girlfriend are all 'your partner'.


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HeroOfHyrule
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07 Mar 2021, 1:08 pm

I've been fully "out" for 6 or so years. I don't outright mention to people I'm bi or trans, but I don't hide it either. I tell people my name is the one that I chose and refer to myself as male. I plan to get my name and gender marker legally changed, and to go on HRT, and I'll talk about those things to people I know relatively well.

Most people who know me well do know that I'm trans. Some of my more conservative family members are embarrassed of me because of it. I'm genuinely interested to see how long they'll continue to insist that calling me a "he" is embarrassing to them after I go on HRT. :lol:


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Sinister Biscuit
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07 Mar 2021, 1:09 pm

Married, so kind of tough to be closeted and refer to my husband. :D



NaturalEntity
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07 Mar 2021, 3:36 pm

I am out to those I trust.


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Bradleigh
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07 Mar 2021, 5:06 pm

I made a Facebook post on my last birthday, after which I edited my Facebook. Although just checking right now it looked like I did put myself as bi, but I didn't change my gender to non-binary for whatever reason, so I am changing that now. Although, I understand that what the chances are of people looking into those things of seeing a single post or looking into my profile, I did make certain that some family members saw it, so it did not go completely under the radar. I will tell someone if they asked, but otherwise it does not actually come up that often. And I am generally terrified of bothering people and being intimately exposed, so not much happens on the dating front anyway.

I have altered my presentation a bit, long hair and hairband. I would like to say that I would tell explain things when asked, although I was at a party yesterday and asked why one hand had nail polish I mostly said it was an expression thing, not what it was expressing. I knew that one person at the get together had previously said some anti-"woke", anti-trans and essentially anti-not gender binary stuff before.

I do think that I would like some some like subtle signifiers, without making things look like I am throwing it into people's faces. Otherwise it is not like I have told everyone. Only recently been building up some guts to correct maybe a family member when they might refer to me as one of the boys.


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OutsideView
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07 Mar 2021, 5:13 pm

Bradleigh wrote:
I do think that I would like some some like subtle signifiers, without making things look like I am throwing it into people's faces.

I keep thinking about this. Wanting to wear something that only people who are some kind of not straight or cis would probably pick up on.


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KT67
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07 Mar 2021, 5:24 pm

Bradleigh wrote:
I made a Facebook post on my last birthday, after which I edited my Facebook. Although just checking right now it looked like I did put myself as bi, but I didn't change my gender to non-binary for whatever reason, so I am changing that now. Although, I understand that what the chances are of people looking into those things of seeing a single post or looking into my profile, I did make certain that some family members saw it, so it did not go completely under the radar. I will tell someone if they asked, but otherwise it does not actually come up that often. And I am generally terrified of bothering people and being intimately exposed, so not much happens on the dating front anyway.

I have altered my presentation a bit, long hair and hairband. I would like to say that I would tell explain things when asked, although I was at a party yesterday and asked why one hand had nail polish I mostly said it was an expression thing, not what it was expressing. I knew that one person at the get together had previously said some anti-"woke", anti-trans and essentially anti-not gender binary stuff before.

I do think that I would like some some like subtle signifiers, without making things look like I am throwing it into people's faces. Otherwise it is not like I have told everyone. Only recently been building up some guts to correct maybe a family member when they might refer to me as one of the boys.


That's my issue. People who're already openly 'anti-woke'.

My dad loves me being his 'daughter'. He actually loves me being part of the LGBT community. He thinks I'm a butch lesbian even though I'm not even straight! I'm bi. He treats my complimenting men as a joke rather than a serious admission of who I find hot.

Same guy uses the t slur so I don't feel comfortable coming out to him.

I think he kind of gets it. He said 'if you wore short skirt and dress and makeup that would be so weird, like drag'. (he's anti woke so he thinks drag is weird)


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Ferrous
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08 Mar 2021, 6:52 am

For being 'gay' I'm... I don't know, 'cautiously out'? My close family all know, none of my extended family do. My sister's (hopefully, pandemic restrictions permitting) getting married this year, part of me is tempted to just bring a male +1 without any explanation. Of course, that would require me having a boyfriend...

As for friends and colleagues, I generally try and "read the room" a bit before and see what their attitudes are. If I think they're cool, I'll casually drop it into the conversation somewhere. This only started at university - I finally accepted/ figured out I was into dudes during sixth form, but I wasn't brave enough to tell anyone at that point. Given that I was bullied for clearly not being into girls, I think that was a reasonable decision.

You could figure it out from my social media, but I only know of one person who definitely did.

Now, there is another factor - I think I may be non-binary. I have not told a single person I know IRL this. I have changed my pronouns to he/they on a few things (Discord servers, Twitter) but there isn't much overlap between those and people I know IRL.



Lost_dragon
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08 Mar 2021, 7:47 am

I basically take a if it comes up then it comes up approach. Although, I don't actively hide it.

My close friends know because we talk about crushes and that kind of thing. However, my grandma doesn't know. I know she suspects something because she has mentioned 'how it's strange that you haven't expressed any interest in boys yet'. However, I didn't think the timing was right at the time and I haven't seen my grandma for quite a while now.

My parents know. When I came out the only part they were surprised about was that they were expecting that conversation when I was in my mid twenties rather than telling them at eighteen. Although my mum did ask if I was sure and if I was actually bi rather than a lesbian. However, she stopped any questions about boyfriends and now just doesn't ask about that stuff at all. I remember going shopping a while ago and my mum pointing to rainbow clothing and saying "that's you" which I think is her way of being supportive. :lol:

Occasionally my sister will talk about pride, buy me rainbow coloured items (such as rainbow bath bombs) and randomly break into my room to tell me about an LGBT character or to ask a question about which pride flag is which. I appreciate her effort to be supportive but I do find it amusing.

Currently I fit into the category of 'being assumed straight most of the time since I'm femme, except by other people in the community and closely involved allies'. It takes me by surprise when someone assumes I'm gay right from the get go and phrases their questions like it is common knowledge. Just know if you ever do this to me I'll be overthinking the entire interaction for quite some time. Especially if I come out to someone and their response is "yeah, I'd be more surprised if you were straight, I just can't imagine you with a guy, you know?" Um, no? What does this even mean? :scratch: I think people who know me tend to pick up on things after a while.

The most common assumption seems to be that I'm simply flirting with everyone. I'll hang out with a guy and get asked if he's my boyfriend, then occasionally I'll hang out with a woman and people will ask if she's my girlfriend. No, I just have friends. I am very single. :lol:

Recently I've been considering buying some subtle pride pins.


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dragonsanddemons
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08 Mar 2021, 9:49 am

As asexual, I don’t make a secret of it, but I also don’t advertise it. Doesn’t really come up a lot, though. I think it’s fairly obvious to most people that I have some kind of developmental disorder, and so people tend to think of me like a child.

As agender, IRL only to immediate family. I’d kind of like to be more open about that, but I don’t want to bring the topic up myself.


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08 Mar 2021, 2:20 pm

You're a person, first and foremost.

As long as one doesn't mind that I'm a cis-heterosexual male, I'm okay with that one.



Fern
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24 Mar 2021, 12:31 am

My siblings, co-workers, and my friends all know I am bisexual at this point. I've never openly brought it up to my parents though. I'll come out to them only if I must (Mom and I have a tense relationship).


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ApricitiousRory
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05 May 2021, 6:26 pm

As out as possible. I’m trans, didn’t understand that until I was 53, and then chose to transition. My honestly toxic mother reacted badly, claimed that me finally feeling healthy & happy was somehow “rejecting her” and she hasn’t contacted or acknowledged me since I came out to family. Honestly, as awful as that might sound, her abandonment has turned out to be the nicest thing that woman has ever done for me. At the time, I felt I had to officially come out to my bio-family, since they live 1200 miles or so away from me and we rarely see each other.

I decided a couple of years ago that I wasn’t going to officially come out anymore. Instead I live out. I don’t deny being trans, and I just assume everyone knows. It got too nerve-wracking to have, “the conversation” with someone. They can just deal with me being me.

The currently weirdest thing is, now that I’m so much more my authentic self gender-wise, my autistic traits also seem to be more evident. I think of it as a welcome two-for-one in my late fifties!

My sexuality also changed somewhat during transition. I now identify as demi-bisexual, meaning I have to feel the right kind of connection with someone to be interested in sex, and I can be interested in a man, a woman, or other gender.