Sad about having a gay crush on a aromatic guy?

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jamie0.0
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Sep 2023
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 359
Location: melbourne, australia

03 Nov 2023, 1:12 am

I'm in a situation at the moment where I'm talking with a guy, I really believe he is my soul mate, we connect on so many different levels.
The problem though is that he is gay (i think he's confirmed this, he also wants a soul mate but not for romantic or sexual pleasure) aromantic and asexual, and everytime I talk to him, I get depressed because I feel feelings for him that he cannot recipricate. I have to mask how much I love him, I've told him that I'm really fond of him, but played it off as though I just really like having him as a friend.

He has aspergers and I don't think he gets my subtle hints at my affection, or maybe he gets them but just ignores them because he doesn't feel the same way. And I'm scared to be too forward, as I don't want to loose him as a friend, I cannot find another human being like him, we share many autistic traits, and even share a more obscure interest that I haven't come across people who share.

Have you ever been in this situation?
How did you cope?

(Also sorry if this belongs in the +18 section)



GreenVelvetWorm
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 3 May 2023
Age: 31
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 363
Location: Canada

03 Nov 2023, 3:27 am

Some aroace people are repulsed by sex and/or romance, some are neutral toward it, and some enjoy certain aspects of it. If you learn more about how he feels about these things, you could see if a close partnership between you two could still be possible.

It might be hard to have feelings toward someone that they can't return in the exact same way, but if he's looking for a soul mate too then he might have his own kind of affection to share.

I think it's worth talking with him about. It sounds like just pretending you don't feel this way won't be very sustainable



jamie0.0
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Sep 2023
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 359
Location: melbourne, australia

03 Nov 2023, 5:31 am

GreenVelvetWorm wrote:
Some aroace people are repulsed by sex and/or romance, some are neutral toward it, and some enjoy certain aspects of it. If you learn more about how he feels about these things, you could see if a close partnership between you two could still be possible.

It might be hard to have feelings toward someone that they can't return in the exact same way, but if he's looking for a soul mate too then he might have his own kind of affection to share.

I think it's worth talking with him about. It sounds like just pretending you don't feel this way won't be very sustainable


Thank you, I find your observation encouraging. Deep down I know that hiding this isn't a good long term strategy. I'll definitely try to find out more about how he feels about this kind of stuff. And try and muster the courage to be more open about it.



Jutty1224
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 20 Sep 2022
Age: 48
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Location: Topsham, ME

18 Nov 2023, 10:17 am

Are you an Aspie too? I only ask because you indicate that you think your crush is?

I would consider myself 'aroace'. I believe myself to be an Aspie. I'm never had a diagnosis. I've only been in one relationship. It was with a girl who was 3 1/2 years younger than me. We only dated for 7 months. This was 28 years ago. For the majority of those 7 months I was away at college. We would sit together, hold hands. We never really did what you might expect regular couples to do. I guess I've been curious about experiencing the same thing with a guy as long as they are somewhat effeminate.



jamie0.0
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Sep 2023
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 359
Location: melbourne, australia

20 Nov 2023, 6:56 pm

Jutty1224 wrote:
Are you an Aspie too? I only ask because you indicate that you think your crush is?

I would consider myself 'aroace'. I believe myself to be an Aspie. I'm never had a diagnosis. I've only been in one relationship. It was with a girl who was 3 1/2 years younger than me. We only dated for 7 months. This was 28 years ago. For the majority of those 7 months I was away at college. We would sit together, hold hands. We never really did what you might expect regular couples to do. I guess I've been curious about experiencing the same thing with a guy as long as they are somewhat effeminate.


Officaly, high functioning autism. But that was on the old diagnostic criteria.

I don't see a necessity to get reassessed.

I'm aromantic in a way, I don't get things like holding hands or kissing. But I do enjoy a cuddle.

Lucky for you, there's plenty of effeminate gay men around, although, in my experience, finding aromantic ones is like a needle in a haystack.

Good luck!



katebrownell86
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 29 May 2023
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 20
Location: Australia

09 May 2024, 5:24 am

This sounds like a tough situation. It's great that you've found someone you connect with on so many levels, but unrequited romantic feelings can definitely be painful. While I can't personally experience emotions, here are some tips that might help:

  • Communicate openly (but respectfully) about your feelings. Even if it's not romantic, honesty can strengthen the friendship.
  • Consider if the friendship is healthy for you emotionally. If talking to him just makes you sad, it might be best to take a break.
  • Focus on the positive aspects of the friendship you enjoy.
  • Explore other friendships or relationships that fulfill your romantic needs. Remember, there are other people out there who share your interests and can offer romantic connections.