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DeeLerious184
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12 Apr 2013, 3:20 pm

How do I make the conflict more compelling in the following passage:

Quote:
Soon, his friend, Alfonzo came in with a suspicious look in his brown eyes.
“Hey.” Simeon stopped his mopping of some brownish green vomit from the floor.
“My girlfriend at the Argentinean Consulate says that she’s never heard of Kamiristan, and she’s been around.” Alfonzo said in accented English. He was a recent Cuban immigrant. An engineer in his homeland, he now worked waiter in a restaurant. The two knew each other from being neighbors. “What’s going on?”
“Russia claims it.” Simeon said. “Like China with Taiwan.”
“But people have heard of Taiwan.” Alfonzo got closer to the check out counter. “Kamiristan is not on any map online or in any atlas.”
“It is not recognized.” Simeon tried to stay calm.
“Вы шпион?” Alfonzo asked.
“What language is that?” Simeon asked.
“Russian.” Alfonzo said. “My mother taught me. She came to Cuba from Russia as a young woman. How could you not know that I was speaking in Russian if you claim that Kamiristan is close to Russia?”
“I grew up far from the border.”
Before Alfonzo could make any more accusations, two women wearing the familiar gray military style uniforms of the Nadi’umese Royal Guard appeared with their swords out.
“Prince Simeon!” One of them said, with her sword out. “You are under arrest by Order of Queen Genofa.”



Zodai
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12 Apr 2013, 3:25 pm

Well, with just this excerpt - we don't really have any idea what's going on. Care to give us a larger piece, so we may decipher the information more easily?


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DeeLerious184
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12 Apr 2013, 3:33 pm

Quote:
************
Chapter 1

Prince Simeon of Nadi’um, wearing his light green work uniform, left the pawn shop, after an unsuccessful third attempt at selling his gold coins and jewelry. Soon, he saw a tall man pull a knife on a scared blond woman. Without thinking, Simeon pulled out his own mini rapier and pointed it to the man’s neck.
“Leave!” He told the man, who then pointed the knife at Simeon. The woman, seeing an opportunity, ran away.
The man attempted to get closer, but Simeon quickly disarmed him, gave the man a kick, and twisted the would be attackers arms in a way so that he was on the ground. His mother reluctantly allowed him to take hand to hand combat lessons from a retired mercenary when he was young.
“You like being bully huh?” Simon asked. He got a bit of rope and tied the man’s hands with it. To avoid contact with the police, Simeon left the man and went to his job in a convenience store. It would be his first day, after being promoted from stocking clerk to cashier
Some hours later, Simeon scanned the six pack of Budweiser, a good humor ice cream sandwich, laundry detergent, and a box of Frosted Flakes with the built in scanner connected to the register.
“Where are you from?” the customer asked, his blond goatee highlighting his grimace. His blue eyes glared at Simeon.
“I am from Kamiristan.” Simeon replied. Aed, one of his friends, told him that most people in the nation of the United States were terrible at geography, so they would not know that Kamiristan, which Aed made up, did not exist. Using the name of a real nation could cause problems for him, as Simeon could run into someone of that nation, and be expected to know their language. Simeon took English classes twice a week at an adult school.

“Where’s that, Abdul?” the customer read Simeon’s name tag.
“Near Russia.”

“Is it a Muslim country?”

“Muslim?” Simeon tried to remember which Earth religion believed that Jesus was the son of a God, which believed he was a prophet, and which thought he was just a man. He always got Judaism, Islam, and Christianity confused.

“Yeah, Muslim," the customer's glare never wavered.

“It has Christians, Muslims and Jews,” Simeon replied, choosing a neutral approach.

“Which one are you?”

“Why you ask?" Simeon countered. He had been getting similar questions about his background ever since someone set off explosives in one of the San Francisco Bart Stations. He did not understand why it had anything to do with his own origins.

“Why don’t you answer?”

“Your total is twenty four fifty.” Simeon said, ignoring the question. “My religion is private, sir.”

“Don’t be a chicken s**t! If you are a Muslim, say so!” he said, attempting to grab Simeon’s collar. In a flash, Simeon had the man on the floor with his right knee on the man’s back. With a free hand, Simeon got the owner’s gun, hidden in a drawer.
“I let you go, if you never come back.” Simeon said, pointing the gun at the man’s direction.
“Okay okay!”
Simeon roughly escorted his would be attacker outside. He did not want to call the police, and explain to them who he was. Thankfully, all the cameras in the store were broken.
With a sigh, he voided the man’s purchases, and began to organize the various magazines located in the shelf in front of the cash register.
Soon, his friend, Alfonzo came in with a suspicious look in his brown eyes.
“Hey.” Simeon stopped organizing.
“My girlfriend at the Argentinean Consulate says that she’s never heard of Kamiristan, and she’s been around.” Alfonzo said in accented English. He was a Cuban immigrant. An engineer in his homeland, he now worked waiter in a restaurant. The two knew each other from being neighbors. “What’s going on?”
“Russia claims it.” Simeon said. “Like China with Taiwan.”
“But people have heard of Taiwan.” Alfonzo got closer to the check out counter. “Kamiristan is not on any map online or in any atlas.”
“It is not recognized.” Simeon tried to stay calm.
“Вы шпион?” Alfonzo asked.
“What language is that?” Simeon asked.
“Russian.” Alfonzo said. “My mother taught me. She came to Cuba from Russia as a young woman. How could you not know that I was speaking in Russian if you claim that Kamiristan is close to Russia?”
“I grew up far from the border.”
Before Alfonzo could make any more accusations, two women wearing the familiar gray military style uniforms of the Nadi’umese Royal Guard appeared with their swords out.
“Prince Simeon!” One of them said, with her sword out. “You are under arrest by Order of Queen Genofa.”
Without time to think, he found himself running up 23rd street, with Alfonzo right behind him. Both propelled only by adrenaline and fear until their bodies could no longer continue.
Winded and using a power pole for support, they gasped for air, then realized he at a bus stop. , Climbing into vacant window seats, Simeon and Alfonzo watched as the two Royal Guard members ran in vain alongside the bus before falling behind.
“Why is my aunt being called Queen? What happened to my mother? My Sister? My brothers? My fathers?” He thought with a gulp. By Nadi’um Law, only females could inherit the throne. If there were no Princesses to inherit, the closest female relative would be called queen. In this case, it would be Simeon’s Aunt Genofa, the Queen’s sister, a high ranking general, and the minister of Defense.
Then it dawned on him. “She’s staged a coup!”
“What’s going on?” Alfonzo asked. “Why are those two women after you?”
“long story. I explain later.” Simeon said. “I have to see a friend.”
“Shouldn’t we call the police?” Alfonzo asked, taking out his IPhone.
“No!” Simeon said. “Please!”
“Do you owe someone money?” Alfonzo asked.
“Yes…I borrow form shady people.” Simeon said.
“But since when do cartels and mobsters hire women as enforcers?” Alfonzo asked. “And why are they dressed in like they are in the military?”

“Times change.”
“Tell me the truth!”



redrobin62
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12 Apr 2013, 5:33 pm

I wonder if you're asking about creating tension as opposed to conflict? Tension is a small segment of a story where a character butts heads with another and an outcome could be disastrous or undesirable to one of the parties involved. Conflict is the man device or outcome you create which the story moves towards. It's the overall end you're trying to achieve.

When I speak about conflicts I'm referring to classic conflicts. To wit:
1. Man vs man (Batman)
2. Man vs himself (Spiderman 2)
3. Man vs fate (Lord of the Rings)
4. Man vs the supernatural (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter)
5. Man vs nature (Robinson Crusoe, Cast Away)
6. Man vs machine (Blade Runner)
7. Man vs society (1984)



DeeLerious184
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12 Apr 2013, 5:41 pm

Simoeon's conflict is with his aunt. I did mean to ask about tension between Simeon and his friend



redrobin62
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12 Apr 2013, 6:05 pm

I think the tension you're trying to create is already there. You have some interesting ideas but you need to add details and check your grammar so a reader can see your full picture in his head. There are areas here and there where clarification is needed.