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Meistersinger
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25 Nov 2013, 12:08 pm

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."


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Meistersinger
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25 Nov 2013, 12:09 pm

What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.


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Meistersinger
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25 Nov 2013, 12:10 pm

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.


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Meistersinger
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25 Nov 2013, 3:55 pm

Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients.

"Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient.

"Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?"

"Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient.

"Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?"

"Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient.

"Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist.

"Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient.

Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?"

All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... "


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wozeree
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25 Nov 2013, 8:50 pm

Meistersinger wrote:
Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients.

"Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!", said the patient.

"Why, thank you," said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?"

"Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones." said the patient.

"Wow, that's impressive," said the violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?"

"Oh yes, I've done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones," said the patient.

"Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?" asked the violinist.

"Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient.

Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you ever play string quartets?"

All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String quartets!... String quartets!... "


I don't get this! I guess because I'm not a musician.



auntblabby
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25 Nov 2013, 8:52 pm

wozeree wrote:
Meistersinger wrote:
I don't get this! I guess because I'm not a musician.

as a violinist, string quartets are plentiful, maybe too plentiful. :idea:



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25 Nov 2013, 11:35 pm

auntblabby wrote:
wozeree wrote:
Meistersinger wrote:
I don't get this! I guess because I'm not a musician.

as a violinist, string quartets are plentiful, maybe too plentiful. :idea:


I think I understand what you mean, but I still don't get why it's funny. Oh well, I get most of the thread, you can't win em all!



auntblabby
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25 Nov 2013, 11:40 pm

wozeree wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
wozeree wrote:
Meistersinger wrote:
I don't get this! I guess because I'm not a musician.

as a violinist, string quartets are plentiful, maybe too plentiful. :idea:


I think I understand what you mean, but I still don't get why it's funny. Oh well, I get most of the thread, you can't win em all!

think of that old monty python skit about the mattress salesman who had gotten sick of selling nothing but mattresses, so everytime a customer came in asking for a mattress, he would freeze in place and noisily plop a bucket over his head, and the manager had to go through a weird song and dance to get him to remove said bucket, and they would pull the customer aside and ask them to PLEASE NOT SAY THE WORD "MATTRESS." I guess it takes a certain warped sense of humor to get that.



wozeree
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25 Nov 2013, 11:44 pm

Ok, I get it. Still not laughing (unless i actually picture John Cleese doing it). :lol:



Meistersinger
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26 Nov 2013, 12:34 am

Try picturing Jack Benny playing in the Budapest String Quartet.

Actually, in real life, Jack was a superb violinist, and actually sat in with the Budapest String Quartet on TV. I think it was an episode of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, The Mike Douglas Show, or Dick Cavett.


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Meistersinger
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26 Nov 2013, 12:36 am

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."


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Meistersinger
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26 Nov 2013, 12:39 am

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.


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Meistersinger
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26 Nov 2013, 12:45 am

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.


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Meistersinger
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26 Nov 2013, 1:05 am

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ

The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.

The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.

The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.

The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.

The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important

The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.

The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.

The Wagner Effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. Speaks for six hours at a stretch.

The Schoenberg Effect: Child never repeats a word until he has used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talk backwards or upside-down. Eventually people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

The Stravinsky Effect: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that lead to fighting and pandemonium in preschool.

The Shostakovich Effect: Child only expresses themselves in parent-approved ways.

The Cage Effect: Childs says exactly nothing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers.

The Glass Effect: Child repeats one word over, and over, and over, and over....


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auntblabby
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26 Nov 2013, 1:08 am

^^^
you left out the Kenny gorelick effect, of playing "treasury of scales" runs repeatedly while circular-breathing. :lol: