Life Livers Anonymous II (Poem)

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I'm still alive and very few know,
Tack another colored card on my
Keychain 'cause I've made it to
Year 27 and it's just such a drag...

Twisting around random philosophies,
A receding wave of tired religious embers
Heating up in my still paranoid head,
Memories coil into potential truths,
My actions creating the delusions I use
To go back into that self-deficient position.

I can't remember the last time I had a friend,
Stilted conversations and a few laughs along the way,
Life keeps beating me and I'd like to lay down,
So here I go into the fires of additional anxiety,
A flower of numbness sprouting in the ashes of
The soul I left behind in the wreckage of the past.

I forget what my escape plan was supposed to be,
There's a few bits and pieces of random dialogue,
I think it's meant to be hopeful but the lack
Of self-sufficiency creates a certain inevitability,
There is no reaching a Promised Land when the
Life I lead continues to be a voided slate.

I lost my will to live about a decade prior,
Yet I continue this fragmented capability,
For the slow rolling continuing catastrophe,
I'm still alive even though every piece of me
Is so miniscule and the concept of self-destruction
Is instead just a faint whisper from a ravaged throat.

I lost my mind somewhere along that storied line,
I knew back then what I still know now,
Yet I'm incapable of using this knowledge
To make everything fine so I still juggle
Between the bouts of depression and falling
Asleep only to wake up wishing I could die.

I pretend I regained some patience now,
Even though tomorrow fails to delight
And yesterday was once more a dreary parade,
Five years stretching into a double deal,
My concern and excuses triggering the belief
That whatever I got wasn't close to a life.

I lost my voice and I'm still fading ever more,
I try to talk but now I just smolder away,
And I still have no distinction my dear,
Except now I want some people to stay,
While I continue to spring forth the poison,
Stirring that pint of pity each progressive day.

I lost my control and the auto-pilot is breaking down,
I try to smoke enough cigarettes to rid myself of
This trembling breath, and there's no person I
Talk to that lessens that edge these days,
This time the trick is working and I'm sliding around,
Lungs are collapsing while everyone smiles.

I smoke these cigarettes to remember my past convictions,
I smoke these cigarettes because I don't give a f**k,
I smoke these cigarettes because I've got nothing to lose,
I smoke these cigarettes because my life is a bitter sigh,
I smoke these cigarettes but not enough to die,

I smoke these cigarettes no longer pretending,

That someone will come around...

Today, Tomorrow, Years from now.

I'm still alive and very few know,
Tack another colored card on my
Keychain 'cause I've made it to
Year 27 and it's just such a drag...






*I wrote the original in 2005 and made a follow up yesterday. I thought I'd post it here.

Don't try.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

T=7(effort) thrice-bent.