Is this love that I'm feeling,
Is this the love, that I've been searching for
Is this love or am I dreaming,
This must be love,
'Cos it's really got a hold on me,
A hold on me...
~ Whitesnake ('87)
I was in the eight grade and attended one of the cool football coaches’ class. It was an english class, just look up the homework answer and rely on your memory for the easy tests, top of the class. Debbie sat two rows away and she told someone that told someone else that told me, …she liked me. She was so cute with her broken nose and she hung out with some of the popular kids. WTH, why not, I wasn’t that interested in the church girlfriend, just liked her cause she let me finger her. I started hanging out at lunch with Debbie. The first time I walked her home, I had a shutdown due to road noise. Both Debbie and her friend that was walking with us, noticed it. We even talked about it, I just froze and said so. The friend suggested we walk away from the busy road. I was shocked that Debbie still liked me after the shutdown. I had the love thrill when I was around her and daydreamed a lot about her when away. My first true love.
The football season finale was between the small town’s two rival high schools. Think ‘Friday Nights Lights,’ in real life. Everybody went to the game and took their girlfriends, I had to meet both of mine at the game. Both broke up with me for some reason, go figure. I don’t remember being much bothered by it, no compassion whatsoever, some slight guilt tho, the stupidity was the lesson learnt.
Late spring semester, some mutual friends thought to surprise us with a weekend meeting. When I saw her, I immediately had the flight shutdown and took off running. I turned into a blind hallway and busted thru the double doors into a bar that was closed for the 70’s Sunday afternoon. I just sat down in a booth and listened to them hunting for me. One of the coolest girls in school figured out the doors, came inside, sat down and talked to me. She even figured out how to use the drink nozzle and we drank cokes. I walked home alone wondering wtf, a recurring theme to all my love separations. This was also my first flight shutdown, before it was fight or freeze; not that I knew anything of shutdowns at the time.
I changed schools after the summer break and returned back for high school a year later. Debbie attended the same high school, but she had a boyfriend. They stayed together for all three years of high school. In the senior year, I actually talked to him, he just lived down the same street from me. I only briefly talked once with Debbie for the full three years. Just whenever I saw Debbie, I still got the love thrill but the guilt stopped any obsession daydreaming, that and she had a boyfriend. I now wonder if she had aspie traits as everybody said she was different, even the boyfriend. She wasn’t with the popular kids anymore and was mostly with her boyfriend. I even had the love thrill with a different girl in high school and learned I would always love them both, even tho I never pursued a relationship.
Never understood it until I found out about the full love quartet, I’m stuck with aspie traits. I’ve tried love with NTs and get the eros; which does not last, never the agape and sometimes not even the platonic. I ignored it when I last felt the love thrill. The separation pain is still the same as if I pursued the love due to the little time spent together. I knew it would be the same even before the separation. Just don’t have the tumultuous breakups. It still results in the same horrible period of depression. I know my traits and the reason for them now, I think there may still be a chance I could find another love thrill and one that may last longer than a couple months.
06 Jan 2022, 10:05 pm
