Could someone please proofread my essay?

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I am currently studying for my GED and I have been practicing for the essay portion of the Language Arts test. However, I feel that I could use critique on the essay I wrote today. Please tell me what mistakes I made so that I don't fail the actual test!

The topic: Today our workplaces and neighborhoods are composed of people of diverse backgrounds. For this reason it is important for people to find ways to get along with each other.

Write an essay explaining how people of diverse backgrounds can get along better.


The essay:


America is a melting pot of people of diverse backgrounds and differing ethnicities. It is imperitive that we learn to get along with them. A few of the ways we can do this are by taking an interest in another person's culture and by respecting them.

One way to get along with someone of another culture is to take an interest in their culture. When I was younger, I befriended a girl from Japan by asking her family and her to help me learn about Japanese culture. They were very happy that I took an interest in their culture. I also took an interest in their language, which helped me to communicate with them.

Another way we can get along with others is by showing respect for their customs. In elementary school, no one was allowed to wear head coverings. But when a girl from Afghanistan came to our school, the teachers made a special exception for her, as it is customary for girls in the Middle East to cover their hair. I am sure that her family was very grateful that our school showed respect for their customs.

In conclusion, it is important to try to get along with people of other cultures, and the ways we ca do this are by taking an interest in their cultures and by showing them respect.

Looks good to me. I only spotted one typo near the end.

If you go to a website brainfuse.com at a library, you can get your essay proofread/edited/etc. I work for them and I fix essays all the time. It's what I do.

Oh, thank you all very much! My grammar has gotten rusty in the couple of years that I've been out of school. I will make note of what you said so that I won't make the same mistake on the real test.

If there is anything else that is wrong with my essay, please tell me!

You have made two points: accepting difference and respecting/understanding of other cultures. Understanding the structure of your writing will help you have more control over what you want to say.

(Oblio)... America is a melting pot of people of diverse backgrounds and differing ethnicities. It is imperitive that we learn to get along with them [[each other]]. A few of the ways we can do this is by taking an interest in another person's culture and by respecting them [: culture, person; plural???].

Now tease out more the fact that you appreciated the differences in your Japanese friend and you wanted to befriend her (second paragraph). You did this by...

Third paragraph is clear and builds on the previous two.

Your conclusion merely repeats your opening paragraph. Each paragraph should build on the ones before and develop your argument.

Perhaps: Living in harmony with our neighbours by befriending people of other cultures and learning from them enriches our lives and our understanding of humanity. Our world is in grave danger if we do not...

You need to make the words your own in the final paragraph if you want to use my ideas. I'm getting carried away in an NT way.

Good luck

Robyn

Wow! Just read all the other posts. As usual I've jumped in. Loved your ideas, Tahitiii.

Again, thank you to everyone who is trying to help me. These are good lessons for me to learn. Not only am I relearning to write in grammatically correct English, but I'm also learning to swallow my pride and take criticism. It's kind of hard to not want to cry when others find errors in my work, but I know it's good for me in the long run. Heck, if that had been an actual GED test, I may not have passed. So, I thank you all for your help.

In the last paragraph, rather than, 'the ways we can do this,' I would say, 'two ways we can do this.'

I think the repetition in your third paragraph helped.

The essay seemed a bit on the short side to me. How long do you have to write it?

You have written your essay very well. Here are just a few suggestions.

When you write "It is imperative that we learn to get along with them" who is we and who is them? I would suggest: It is imperative that we all learn to get along together.

Since your first paragraph already says this, take out the first sentence in the second.

Last paragraph: typo.

I am a professional editor. Good luck!