Turned 31 without a girlfriend. Is it time to give up?

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Marknis
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13 Aug 2019, 5:24 pm

I turned 31 last week but I didn’t celebrate my birthday. I still don’t have a girlfriend while all four of my siblings are married and have children. Why did they succeed but not me? With each passing year, I feel more hopeless about ever having love enter my life. Even my younger teenaged cousins who I knew since they were toddlers are getting married and having children while I can’t even get a coffee date. It’s emasculating and makes me feel like a failure.

I wanted to be with someone who was part of an alternative or counter culture but they are in the minority in the culture I live in and they always have boyfriends when I see them. I don’t want to give up but my feelings of hopelessness are pushing me to let it all go.



SharonB
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13 Aug 2019, 7:59 pm

Adjust expectations perhaps, but no need to give up. My Aspie-like BFF had her 1st boyfriend at age 35 or so. Then she had 1-2 more and took "a break" for many years then went back out and now is in a long-term relationship in her late 40s. Another Aspie-like friend is 50 and he had two girlfriends (I knew of) late in life. At that age it may be "instant" family depending on the SO.

Happy uncelebrated Birthday!



ProfessorJohn
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13 Aug 2019, 10:42 pm

I can relate. I never really had a girlfriend until I was 29. I am now 52 and have been married for 19 years. I was about to give up also in my late 20s but it finally happened.

Do you get to meet a lot of women in your everyday life? What do you think is the biggest thing holding you back?



ltcvnzl
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13 Aug 2019, 11:32 pm

I don't think you should give up, just maybe rethink your preferences or how are you searching for a girl. Maybe if you widen your horizon, you can find someone who have similar interest in counter-cultures but doesn't look so obviously like that.

I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.



sly279
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13 Aug 2019, 11:39 pm

SharonB wrote:
Adjust expectations perhaps, but no need to give up. My Aspie-like BFF had her 1st boyfriend at age 35 or so. Then she had 1-2 more and took "a break" for many years then went back out and now is in a long-term relationship in her late 40s. Another Aspie-like friend is 50 and he had two girlfriends (I knew of) late in life. At that age it may be "instant" family depending on the SO.

Happy uncelebrated Birthday!

Honesty that doesn’t sound hopeful to me in same situation as op. Makes me feel worse.



ProfessorJohn
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13 Aug 2019, 11:52 pm

What sort of counter-culture are you looking for ?



Mona Pereth
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14 Aug 2019, 12:13 am

Marknis wrote:
I wanted to be with someone who was part of an alternative or counter culture but they are in the minority in the culture I live in and they always have boyfriends when I see them. I don’t want to give up but my feelings of hopelessness are pushing me to let it all go.

Which specific subcultures did you get involved in?

IMO, you need to make a bunch of platonic friends, both male and female, before it's likely that you will find a girlfriend. The right bunch of local platonic friends might be able to help you in other ways, too, such as helping you find a better job.


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Marknis
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14 Aug 2019, 12:56 am

ltcvnzl wrote:
I don't think you should give up, just maybe rethink your preferences or how are you searching for a girl. Maybe if you widen your horizon, you can find someone who have similar interest in counter-cultures but doesn't look so obviously like that.

I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.


To be clear, I am not looking for a Victoria’s Secret model or a pop singer. I find women from the nerdy, geeky, and “otaku” cultures attractive as well as ones who are into alternative music cultures like punk or Gothic. Unlike a lot of guys, especially in the Bible Belt, I don’t consider large breasts or a ditsy voice requirements. Yes, I want to date someone I find attractive but I would choose a “mousey” woman with a nice personality over a “hot” woman with a bad personality.
I am not compatible with redneck, ghetto, or super religious women.

I have tried things like Meet Up, dating sites, going to music shows (Oddly, I’ve had women at shows tell me they don’t know who is playing!), attending an Unitarian fellowship (What a f*****g letdown!), and entertainment conventions.



Marknis
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14 Aug 2019, 1:14 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I wanted to be with someone who was part of an alternative or counter culture but they are in the minority in the culture I live in and they always have boyfriends when I see them. I don’t want to give up but my feelings of hopelessness are pushing me to let it all go.

Which specific subcultures did you get involved in?

IMO, you need to make a bunch of platonic friends, both male and female, before it's likely that you will find a girlfriend. The right bunch of local platonic friends might be able to help you in other ways, too, such as helping you find a better job.


Are you asking if I got involved with them while growing up? I was honestly shielded by my parents and was stuck in my room most of the time in my developmental years.

I struggle to even make female friends. The culture I live in has a huge gender divide. Men are pushed to worship football, cars, guns, beer, cigarettes, rant about people they dislike, country or hip-hop music depending on the demographic, and
being a part of the Jesus fanclub while women are pushed to shop constantly for clothes, gossip about each other, listen to sappy music, watch drama TV shows, read romance or Joyce Meyer books, and attend church constantly. The women I know who break the mold tend to already have a boyfriend or are married. I’ve actually lost some female friends because their boyfriends won’t let them have male friends.



ltcvnzl
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14 Aug 2019, 1:34 am

Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
I don't think you should give up, just maybe rethink your preferences or how are you searching for a girl. Maybe if you widen your horizon, you can find someone who have similar interest in counter-cultures but doesn't look so obviously like that.

I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.


To be clear, I am not looking for a Victoria’s Secret model or a pop singer. I find women from the nerdy, geeky, and “otaku” cultures attractive as well as ones who are into alternative music cultures like punk or Gothic. Unlike a lot of guys, especially in the Bible Belt, I don’t consider large breasts or a ditsy voice requirements. Yes, I want to date someone I find attractive but I would choose a “mousey” woman with a nice personality over a “hot” woman with a bad personality.
I am not compatible with redneck, ghetto, or super religious women.

I have tried things like Meet Up, dating sites, going to music shows (Oddly, I’ve had women at shows tell me they don’t know who is playing!), attending an Unitarian fellowship (What a f*****g letdown!), and entertainment conventions.


I meant it more in a way that maybe someone who won't look nerdy or otaku, but maybe can be interested in this and somehow just don't dress/express it. I don't have much advice to give because dating culture in my country is very different and, well, I suck at it anyway. I also don't want someone who fits in the mainstream culture of my area, but I'm not even looking around anymore because I feel I'm not good enough for that.



Wolfram87
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14 Aug 2019, 1:53 am

What would be the point of giving up?


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SharonB
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14 Aug 2019, 8:08 am

sly279 wrote:
SharonB wrote:
Adjust expectations perhaps, but no need to give up. My Aspie-like BFF had her 1st boyfriend at age 35 or so. Then she had 1-2 more and took "a break" for many years then went back out and now is in a long-term relationship in her late 40s. Another Aspie-like friend is 50 and he had two girlfriends (I knew of) late in life. At that age it may be "instant" family depending on the SO.

Happy uncelebrated Birthday!

Honesty that doesn’t sound hopeful to me in same situation as op. Makes me feel worse.


@sly279, then time to up the game!! ! (whatever that means)

It wasn't until a fortune teller told a friend that she'd NEVER have children that my friend hit a new bottom and then "proved" her wrong. Does the Oracle tell the truth, or say what needs to be said? (Not that I'm an Oracle by any means, but if Marknis were to consult one.) I am an Achiever and yet I spent nearly a decade fighting/surviving an idiopathic (sometimes life-threatening) medical condition --- in the end I pursued five alternate outcomes to be DONE WITH IT one way or another. I HAD to "give up" on the one outcome I had been pursuing, the situation had to be Done in SOME WAY, the Uncertainty (and pain) couldn't go on for another decade... I planned to (cognitively) make any of those five outcomes a "win", being **satisfied** and away from the Uncertainty became my Special Interest. And so I vividly envisioned my life in a positive way with all five outcomes ---and one came through--- and it's funny to me when folks (who had it easy) are like: I couldn't imagine it any other way. Oh, let me tell you... Still, it's done. I won (by choosing the choices available to me).



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14 Aug 2019, 8:17 am

Which reminds me: The Aspie book I read recommended finding a partner who shares a Special Interest. My BFF and I didn't know we were Aspie when we found our partners --- but ironically: we both did that. If that's not working someone, perhaps varied social settings related to the Special Interest, or a variation on the Special Interest.



Marknis
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14 Aug 2019, 1:21 pm

ltcvnzl wrote:
Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
I don't think you should give up, just maybe rethink your preferences or how are you searching for a girl. Maybe if you widen your horizon, you can find someone who have similar interest in counter-cultures but doesn't look so obviously like that.

I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.


To be clear, I am not looking for a Victoria’s Secret model or a pop singer. I find women from the nerdy, geeky, and “otaku” cultures attractive as well as ones who are into alternative music cultures like punk or Gothic. Unlike a lot of guys, especially in the Bible Belt, I don’t consider large breasts or a ditsy voice requirements. Yes, I want to date someone I find attractive but I would choose a “mousey” woman with a nice personality over a “hot” woman with a bad personality.
I am not compatible with redneck, ghetto, or super religious women.

I have tried things like Meet Up, dating sites, going to music shows (Oddly, I’ve had women at shows tell me they don’t know who is playing!), attending an Unitarian fellowship (What a f*****g letdown!), and entertainment conventions.


I meant it more in a way that maybe someone who won't look nerdy or otaku, but maybe can be interested in this and somehow just don't dress/express it. I don't have much advice to give because dating culture in my country is very different and, well, I suck at it anyway. I also don't want someone who fits in the mainstream culture of my area, but I'm not even looking around anymore because I feel I'm not good enough for that.


It would be easier for me if alcohol wasn’t a requirement for socialization in my area.



ltcvnzl
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14 Aug 2019, 2:00 pm

Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
Marknis wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
I don't think you should give up, just maybe rethink your preferences or how are you searching for a girl. Maybe if you widen your horizon, you can find someone who have similar interest in counter-cultures but doesn't look so obviously like that.

I turned 26 a few weeks ago and sometimes I feel very sad I don't have a boyfriend. I only have a boyfriend for a short period a few years ago, but he never loved me. I feel insecure about looking for someone because I'm fat and have an awful personality.


To be clear, I am not looking for a Victoria’s Secret model or a pop singer. I find women from the nerdy, geeky, and “otaku” cultures attractive as well as ones who are into alternative music cultures like punk or Gothic. Unlike a lot of guys, especially in the Bible Belt, I don’t consider large breasts or a ditsy voice requirements. Yes, I want to date someone I find attractive but I would choose a “mousey” woman with a nice personality over a “hot” woman with a bad personality.
I am not compatible with redneck, ghetto, or super religious women.

I have tried things like Meet Up, dating sites, going to music shows (Oddly, I’ve had women at shows tell me they don’t know who is playing!), attending an Unitarian fellowship (What a f*****g letdown!), and entertainment conventions.


I meant it more in a way that maybe someone who won't look nerdy or otaku, but maybe can be interested in this and somehow just don't dress/express it. I don't have much advice to give because dating culture in my country is very different and, well, I suck at it anyway. I also don't want someone who fits in the mainstream culture of my area, but I'm not even looking around anymore because I feel I'm not good enough for that.


It would be easier for me if alcohol wasn’t a requirement for socialization in my area.


It seems to be a world-wide thing :/ Here all social life revolves around alcohol. I don't drink too.