Break up regrets, and a time out

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09 May 2021, 10:21 am

Mountain Goat wrote:
Everyone has things they are not so perfect in. You are learning a lot about yourself and about relationships. I missed out on all of this so I have no experience to draw on. Having experience means one is better prepared...

With the two relationships you described, it seemed you already learned a lot of this!
Did I interpret that wrong or do you just feel so low about the experience that gave you?



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09 May 2021, 10:24 am

I have been dating before but I have never married or lived with a significent other... (Has to be marriage for me).


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10 May 2021, 1:53 pm

Ah, I understand. I think that dating and having a relationship is defined differently in other countries.

Like I call this a relationship, but another could say we both lived apart and dated on regular days with each other, went on holidays with each other. In the US I see people date for a long time and never really call it a relationship. That is strange to me.


So things changed yesterday night. Not for the better, or... maybe they did.

I talked for hours with a band mate, who had a clear opinion on how auti's process and respond - being one himself. He was kind of harsh and he saw M. having serious traits of autism. So we talked and eventually I got at peace with one conclusion: getting back together with such a troublesome flibbertigibbet as M. would only drain me on the long run. I was at peace. My head was cooked. It was ten o'clock when I wanted to call a last friend.

Then an app popped up: it was M. Out of the blue, amidst our radio silence, he happily notified me that his mother had crocheted me a belated birthday gift. He had it with him. Totally thrown off I figured he had been at his family for Mother's Day, without me for the first time in two years :cry: . His little niece had actually asked for me :cry: .

So I immediately called him, he parked beside the highway, and we agreed I would come over and pick up the present including the food bin I had left behind. So I biked there, with some stuff of his. Entered his dark house and waited in the living room.

I couldn't help but walk around for a bit, and peek into the bedroom. My pillow was changed for a thick one, and the bed looked slept on on that side. I cringed. He came home as I walked down the stairs. I couldn't help but immediately ask if there had been someone else yet. He sighed deeply. But I just had to know, or I couldn't go home without fretting. I'm sorry. Things don't wear off overnight...

He instantly stook his arms out and asked for a hug. A hug! I hugged him and he kissed me a lot, he had missed me so. I said: M., hold my hands. Let's not try to get back together. Let's end it in peace, right here. He was surprised but cool with it. I figured it had been his decision since Tuesday, and he hadn't rethought it at all - he had pushed and drank it away with a load of beer :|

We sat down, held hands, he talked about his day. He suddenly sprung up and ran off to the kitchen. Handed me the bag of my belongings he had found. Then hurried on, to the garden, to the shed. I was overthrown - should I follow? We crossed the dark garden, and he led me into the shed. 'Are you going to lock me there now?' I joked. No, he wanted to show me how he built a little workbench in his shed, with lights, hooks and everything. How he had been busy working on his van. My head spun. We went back to the house.

I asked if I could see the updates to the van, so we walked outside and sat in the van for half an hour. He proudly showed me all he had fixed, and wanted to sit on the couch with me like before. He was happy as a child, rattling away, telling about his day, and my birthday present, his nieces. I couldn't get anything in between. I was tired, too.

So we went back inside and he just kept walking around, busy. He explained me that he had been busy doing things, drinking more beer than normal 'but my limit of five per week was a good one, though' and pushing sad thoughts out of his mind with staying busy. I felt so sad for him! He wasn't working on it, he was pushing it away ... in his way! :| :cry: So not like me! I've learned to look at myself and deal with my problems instead of deafening them.

Eventually I stood up and packed for leaving. We exchanged keys, and he sobbed that he would so miss the little handwritten tag my bundle had. He was devoted to so many little quirks and memories of me, I never knew.

He walked me out (I couldn't open the gate anymore, no keys) and we exchanged tiny kisses and we cuddled still. We took a lovely selfie in front of his house, looking at each other in a sort of true admiration, similar to a christmas selfie we took at the airport before he went on a world trip, when he knew me just one week. I love looking at that photo and seeing how meaningful he stares into my eyes.

We were so happy to see each other and to cuddle again, be childishly happy again. Is this how it goes? But when I got home, I still felt at peace with it, and I slept like a rose. Oh, how have I missed that.

Though today it dawned on me that this all drains me, and I am now in his hands. He loves it when I am there, because he is so devoted to all patterns and regularities, to looking at me, kissing me, hanging on my shoulder. He is tired, and I am his pillow, his rock to lean on. And now he wants me just for that: to listen, and to lean on.

More and more I dare to say he needs help. I have been thinking of writing him a letter, that I will both post to him in written form, as digitally in his mailbox a few days later. I want him to know that I think he needs help in the way he deafens himself from things he finds difficult in life. By keeping extremely busy, by drinking beer, by distracting himself and making his head spin until he can't think of sad things no more.

Today I apped him that last night's meeting overwhelmed me a bit and that I hadn't expected the full guided tour since he just offered me ten minutes and a quick drink. He threw back at me that I was the one who wanted to see the van. I said there was more, and that I should have said no to it. That I should say no and that it will be easier to do, even though I disappoint him in that (he wants my attention all the time). He threw back at me that it only took a minute, he didn't drag me into it, and that he just wanted to show me his projects (always a valid reason). I GET TIRED OF THIS... 8O so I just repeated 'I just want you to give me room to say no.' 'I will'. And then virtual cuddles again.

Am I wrong in this, or is he such a needy child?

Friends advise me to break contact, to let him figure it out on his own for a while. I'm afraid his interest will fade or he will someday bluntly introduce me to a date, without having any sense of hurting me.

I just don't know. I loved him for 2,5 years, the feeling is still strong. :(



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10 May 2021, 3:01 pm

I'm weirder than your dude but I'm a lot like him otherwise & I think you're doing better than you seem to think.


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10 May 2021, 3:24 pm

cberg wrote:
I'm weirder than your dude but I'm a lot like him otherwise & I think you're doing better than you seem to think.


Right. Me too. Actually, I think he is a bit of a catch. So naturally autistic and determined. I like that. They probably would do better if they just threw away all of those NT expectations and just went with the flow instead.

Going for a bit more of a distance thing might be good in the long run. It will allow them to develop a more effective communication channel instead of trying to solve conflicts with endless talking.



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10 May 2021, 3:45 pm

His keeping busy and showing you what he has done is a good thing. Do not knock it, because without him doing that and showing you he can easily become suicidal as there will be nothing for him to live for.
The best thing to do is to keep friends, but not to meet so often.
The worst thing for me that I miss is not just the love, but the friendship as that part cuts real deep when it goes. As a man one can cope with not being in love, but to loose a friend as well is really heartbreaking, because all the time one has been dating and knowing the other person feels like it is ones live wasted...

(I think I know how he feels as this is how I felt with the last GF and the one before... The deep love can fade but the friendship love of having someone who was ones friend as well is incredibly valueable and even if it means once every few days text and maybe a visit every month or every other week... If this canbe arranged he will be ok. It is the total seperation from ever speaking with the other person again which would cause the deep down hurt that takes years to heal).

I am saying this knowing that you are hurt as well and you have soo much feelings as well.
Drifting apart rather then a clean seperation is less hurtful somehow.


Do not tell him he is needy as this will make him feel very low.

Sorry if you think I am saying the wrong things. I want the very best for you both. I don't want any of you to feel the pain of breaking up...

To me, staying friends but not lovers feels like victory. It does not feel like a bad thing.

He may find someone who is far more suitable for him, and you may find someone more suitable for you. :) The right person for you both who will not feel drained to be with him but the opposite, and you need someone who is ideal for you who recharges you. :) I hope that you don't mind me writing from my heart...

I don't know... I want everything to work well for everyone... :)

I have suggested other men to quite a few ladies who asked me out because I did not feel worthy and what really amazed me was that the ones I suggested... Well, they married!

Heartbreaking for me but when I saw that they married, I was soo delighted and glad! I forgot that I had been asked out ((And in one case with the second GF, I had introduced them soon after we stopped being an item), and when I heard later that they had married, I was jumping up and down in joy and I was a little sad I had not known about it until after through a mutual friend.... ).

I am also thinking that "What if you two were meant to be together?"

Uhmmm. Well. If this is the case, it will happen in the future somehow as I believe God does things amazing... But if this is the case God will do it. If not it won't happen... As whatever is meant to be will be....

I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts and going off on tangents.... Whatever the future is I really want everything to be for the best for both of you, be each one of you find a more ideal special person, or wherever or whatever is meant to be...

Please be aware I am a bit immature and idealistic when it comes to these things... I hope you don't mind...


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10 May 2021, 4:30 pm

At the very least, he could be an excellent handyman around the house.

That's one thing I suck at: being a handyman. That has gotten me into trouble with my wife before.



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11 May 2021, 5:10 am

I am overwhelmed by sadness so I'm taking a minute off work to write this.

I remember us going on a little van trip for christmas. Since we are not able to go anywhere, and camping in the wild is forbidden here, we decided to go to his parents and park the van on their property. Afterwards we would look up camper parkings on the way back to our hometown and see where we were allowed to park.

So we already departed late - the van wouldn't start. M. was frustrated. We arrived at his parents, had christmas dinner, ate and drank until late. We had had quite some drinks (they were all like that, except for his sister) as night fell and we wanted to move to our bed in the camper. Appears that he had locked the only key we had inside and shut the door, during the moment he and his dad had connected the electric cable.

He panicked, furiously, he started walking back and forth, blaming himself. I stayed out of the way, inside, with his mom. I literally said her I wouldn't go near him, because he was so frustrated and mad at himself. Point is: he can't accept to make mistakes. He can't let himself make mistakes. He backs out, blames someone else, deafens himself with thoughts or beer.
Okay so inside, I arranged for a spare bed in the guest bedroom, which his dad prepared. His mom borrowed us tshirts and stuff for the night, because all our little belongings were of course locked up in the van. His sister borrowed us both lens bins; we had it all. I was sad, but pretty content that we could make it through the night and carry on next morning.

M. hung in a chair in the living room, totally frustrated. We couldn't speak to him. His dad opted that we'd call the road services, for which he didn't have a subscription. His fists clenched, eating himself away. I said it could be a good idea. He'd only have to pay a sort of fine for immediately subscribing and night service. M. wasn't in favor of it. He kept eating himself. After half an hour I could convince him that this could be an option, and even better for the rest of the weekend. He called the services.

The service guy came, unlocked our van, and there we were! We could sleep in our own bed!
He immediately got so happy as the service guy, tired from a boring christmas night, wanted to know a lot about the van build.

Next morning, a new problem arose.
Since covid, meeting rules were strict, and his parents were a vulnerable couple.
M. had prepared a complete breakfast with special bread and everything, and arranged the van so the four of us could sit inside. Meanwhile, his parents had prepared breakfast inside, where there was enough space, and sister and kids could sit, too. As we all gathered around the breakfast table, I wondered where he was. In the van.

I went to get him. He was in the van, waiting on the couch, frustrated. Why weren't we there? I said it wouldn't fit, and his parents had already agreed that it would be so impractical. Yet he stayed in the van and insisted on having breakfast there, because he planned it so. I don't know how long we bickered about that, but eventually he grabbed the special bread and came inside. He was frustrated and kept repeating how we should have been in the van.

Luckily, the rest of the weekend was less tense...

I have forgotten many of these incidents because coming from autistic patterns myself, I have learned to forgive myself if I'm stuck in such a conviction. People change all the time. I always saw him as a very flexible, forgiving person, but not in those moments. And there were more than I can actively recall...



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11 May 2021, 3:11 pm

As of today we're kind of on regular speaking terms again. It's like before only without kiss smileys.
Conversations go bumpy, but I was used to that. He just doesn't say nice things, or reciprocicates. That can be due to him being a man, him being a bit autist in a way after all, or just being out of the relationship.

We argue a lot about the structure of our former relationship, and how communication should have gone. It's ironic and harsh at the same time. I now just say what I think, the moment I think it. He is okay with that and sometimes he replies instantly, sometimes hours later.

We're quite harsh to each other. At some moments I feel we're finally, not to say too late, connected right now; at other moments I wonder why we're still doing this 'DIY relationship therapy' while we're over it all.

I sense that he just wants attention, like before.

He is not suicidal, not at all.

I try to explain our miscommunications from both sides and he just quotes and replies selectively, being defensive at some point, until I ask him why that is necessary. It really digs up long buried grudges and convictions between us both. My general feeling is that he is not relationship material in this way, and I'm glad we're done being a couple with goals and desires.

During the day I do regret that a man that fit me so well, he smelled right (very important!) in pictures he looked at me like I was the most precious thing in the world, and in hindsight, he loved all sorts of tiny quirks and details about me, is no way near capable of reciprocication, of self insight, of not jumping the gun, not acting upset.

In a way he is so me, but five years ago...



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12 May 2021, 3:38 pm

I keep writing things off, to get them out of my head. I hope someone's picking up, and if you read something weird, question me about it.

During the day we argued about a stupid rephrasing of that Chinese rocket. I just inquired about it, he replied, I asked íf I understood correctly that...' and he replied 'no' and then a full reply in rich words in which he did agree with me. I sighed deep and said we did in fact agree with each other.

So, I said, since you don't like me to vent my opinion on things days afterwards, I will say here and now that I get sad from the way you put this. He replied he wasn't disagreeing with me, he just interpret my words wrong... and so we kept in a sort of silent argument.

On the one hand I am happy he isn't my boyfriend anymore, on the other, I see how he is burying himself in endless tasks, drinking beer (I suppose, he no longer tells me), and not walking or jogging (he does tell me). Everything we built up, things he started doing to free his mind, he ditched.

In the evening I got sad and openly told him I think about the things we would still do together so much... like going to Paris, going to the movies, to musicals (he does like that) ... restaurants with strange foods. We had plans like that, for post corona, just because we were both adventurous. He instantly replied he thinks about those things all the time :cry: and misses me too in that way.

Tonight I told him that I feel he shares little of his feelings, while I do that so much. That he can always come to me with his feelings. 'My bucket overflowed, but the tap is still open, you know'. He appreciates my care, I think. Though I feel that sure, without me to do it for, he has lost a lot of motivation to care for himself and stay healthy. :| :cry:

I had him on the good path for two and a half years... and now. But he is almost 42, you wouldn't say, a man should be able to take care of himself right...?



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12 May 2021, 5:05 pm

I am glad that he is not suicidal. It is a relief.

I am glad that you are able to talk about things both in here and to him.


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13 May 2021, 11:12 am

Yesterday he notified me that he will be visiting his parents for two days, and they will 'construct like crazy' to get something done in the camper. I figure it's the second roof opening with ventilator, and that they will take care of the rust marks that were leftovers from the first roof opening.

I have a sort of breakfast date with him on Sunday, he looks forward to it and is eager to show me the camper progress...

I went for a long hike through a nearby moor, with my friend J. today. We were lovers once, we are great nature fans, and we talked about options to go for hikes later this summer. Although J. is good looking and funny (not for no reason once my bf), he just smelled wrong, and I felt a natural sense to stay distant to him. I missed M. enormously, especially in contrast with this other best buddy that I have in J., ...

I know if I would have joined M. to his parents, I would have sat around all day, annoyed, spending time (or maybe help on the camper). I would be annoyed. But meanwhile I am SO SO eager to know what's happening there, I want to take part in the fun, the being together.

I'm sure he misses me too today. But it's up to me not to get in touch. He needs time off. I'll wait until he apps me tonight - or not... or that he will show me the camper on Sunday. That feels still so far away!


Can you imagine that in the beginning of our relationship, he stayed in Australia for 3 months, and I checked off every single day until he came home? It feels the same way now... but only that he isn't mine anymore.



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15 May 2021, 1:57 am

There's been much silence, but I've been distracting myself, too.
On Thursday night he was very short about his goodnight wishes, so I asked him if the feeling was still the same.
Mind you, by that time I was already trying to sleep, but shaking all over my limbs. So I said him.
In the morning I had a cuddly response and he sent me a kiss.
After another work day, and some home improvement, I sent him a photo of my achievements.
He had returned home from his parents, he responded in happiness. He really wants to see me on Sunday, have brunch together, and check the camper with me. I have mixed feelings, but maybe that's just pessimistic.

It's been a week since we've seen each other.
And he could've invited me this morning, but he didn't. He might have thought the work on the van would last until today and he couldn't make sure he was home... or he just wants to sleep in this morning, and have some rest after a few days of hard work. Whatever it is, I'm not gonna ask. It feels so clingy.

Maybe things will get better if we see each other once a week only.
Maybe he will completely run over me and I'll have reasons not wanting to see him for the next seven days.

I don't know. It feels like he is pretty good off on his own.
Have we been too clingy (he too, he always let me visit, and proposed being together more).
I wonder if I see him tomorrow, how we'll both feel.

I've always felt that being physically around your loved one gives you a better feeling than being alone. I think it's the dopamine release. Even when I blocked him out, knowing that he was there and I could drop by for cuddles anytime was a sort of security... that made me sleep well at night. I must be a sort of dopamine junkie.

I hope he still looks out for seeing and cuddling me the way I do now.
We'll see tomorrow.



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15 May 2021, 2:00 pm

This is the second evening that I feel so terribly lonely.
I can't imagine how I was before my relationship. I must have had a lot of hobbies. Theatre, singing. M. has taken a great role in my life, and I welcomed it all because he was such a breeze of energy, crazy ideas, wild adventures. I would sit in and listen and not think about my own problems. Until it got the best of me.

People tell me I should get back to myself. Learn to know myself again.
I have a beautiful park behind my house, I have paintings that are halfway done, I have a huge pile of books to read. But I miss hanging around my boyfriend.

The times I tried to bring my laptop to him, and sat on the couch and tried to answer necessary e-mails, write stuff, do administration. He would always try not to interrupt me, but still do - and I would shoosh him and plead to not every single second show me what he had accomplished... he would run over me like a happy kid. And yet I liked it better than this silence now... I guess...

If I had stayed in the relationship, but had fought for some time for myself, would it have worked? Have I tried it? I bet I have. No other boyfriend has claimed me till the point that I started staying away. No other boyfriend didn't accept no as an answer (like my parents never did...). It's some kind of deficit, some pattern in my life, which I love to run into again, and again.


Tomorrow I'm going to him. He will be happy to see me. Because it fulfills his needs, too. He wants to be held, cuddled, heard. He wants freedom yet wants an audience who distracts him from his neverending hobbies, and compliments him for everything he achieves.

Tomorrow is going to be so good, yet so bitter. I will sit in, we'll have coffee, he'll assume I'm like before, and I'll probably give in. He'll call the shots and I'll be kicked out of the door the moment he's fed up with me.

He's been ignoring me from time to time these last weeks, and I feel I am no longer his top priority. Or maybe I never was, but he felt I had to be, because I was his girlfriend and he should treat me right in order to keep me. He is still my top priority but maybe I should step away from that at some point.

People. It hurts. It hurts.



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15 May 2021, 2:43 pm

Love is difficult to pull away from.

Yes. I understand the empty feeling. The not knowing what comes next...
If I knew answers of what you should do I would tell you.

Hobbies... You said you have hobbies?


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16 May 2021, 2:05 pm

Yes, relationships can be incredibly complex if done in an NT cultural context between autistics. Or they could be rather simple and rewarding. It mostly seems to depend on how much importance people pay to the NT cultural norms.

For example, autistics just don't end relationships "just like that". That's just impossible, and doesn't work. Which is pretty obvious in this case too. All this NT behavior does is to add more problems. Autistic relationships end because people drift apart, not because somebody gets a whim.

Another thing is the cause for "inability to adapt", "being argumentative" and losing temper. This is NOT natural autistic behavior. It's a conseqence of living in a sub-optimal environment and not feeling safe. A good relationship could ease these things in other settings, but a bad one could cause more of it, typically because autistics try to play NTs even when they are in a relationship with another autistic.