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RetroGamer87
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19 Sep 2021, 5:46 pm

Minervx_2 wrote:
There's a thing called lovebombing:

I wonder if this is done intentionally or not. You're supposed to present the best version of yourself on a first date. Is this deception? Do people plan to become jerks after the honeymoon phase or does it happen so gradually they don't even notice?

Does love bombing mean over the top displays of affection or just being nice on a first date?


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Benjamin the Donkey
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20 Sep 2021, 5:03 am

Fnord wrote:
XFilesGeek wrote:
... individuals may come from a background where they were abused as children/teens, and may not have the ability to recognize abuse. A victim of abuse should never be blamed for the abuse they suffered (and that goes for both men and women).
This is why my first wife -- an abusive, bigoted, bipolar drunk -- seemed normal to me when we first met.  She was a lot like my father.

Sounds familiar.


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ElijahHaMirapei
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20 Sep 2021, 7:18 am

When I was last dating, I realized that the oxytocin released by sex was clouding my judgement. So I vowed to not have sex before marriage. This worked well to help me be able to end a relationship I grew to dislike a few months in. But then it failed when a woman and I became so attracted that we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

After marrying her and realizing she has BPD and an alcohol problem, I decided that if I ever ended it and re-entered the dating game I'd follow these rules:
(1) Never spend the night with someone until you've known them for at least a year.
(2) Never propose until it's been at least a year since you first spent the night.
(3) Never let an engagement be less than a year long.

These rules are based on the simple fact that it takes time to truly get to know each other.



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20 Sep 2021, 8:38 am

nick007 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Has anyone considered the element of "Triggering Events"?
Very good point Pepe. Us Aspies tend to have lots of characteristics that can be considered a$$holeish abusive behavior from a certain point of view like shutdowns, meltdowns, not being affectionate, not being emotionally supportive, being demanding about routine & predictability, being too direct & saying the wrong things, having special needs like sensory issues that can overwhelm us, being demanding about sex or the other extreme of refusing to have sex, ect ect. Most of us are good people who want to do right by others but we are very often misunderstood & misjudged. It is very common for our romantic partners & other close family in our lives to get very frustrated with us sometimes & if they were to talk about it with their family & friends when they are having a difficult time, we would be painted in a very negative light.


Been there.
I have given up and just avoid the person wherever I can. He/she never learns and does the same thing over and over for literally decades.
And *I* am the bad one.?
What the hell can you do with someone like that but walk away?


nick007 wrote:
None of us are perfect after all. My point is that it can sometimes be difficult to tell who is really an abusive jerk & who is trying their best. Even NTs can have a majorly hard time telling the difference with their fellow NTs, look at the legal system for TONS of examples with victim blaming.


That is why people need to hear both sides of the story and not jump to conclusions.



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20 Sep 2021, 9:00 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
And maybe not all women think themselvs perfect and get annoyed by the idea we all subscribe to the same book of attractiveness where we have some specific code of what is too ugly to date and we are conspiring to withhold sex from deserving incels who just want a woman to use without considering that the woman is a person to. Why is that so hard to understand that incels just want women to be sex objects, they don't actually want a relationship...they just want someone to be a whore for them and will accept nothing less.


Well, I haven't studied the subject of "Involuntary Celibates", but I don't think they intended to treat women like objects in the beginning.
Their standards are probably too high, they are physically unattractive, or their social skills are hopeless.

Personally, I blame the life system.
The involuntary genetic coding bred into us as a result of the evolutionary process.

Most of how we feel isn't about social conditioning when we physically mature.
It is the primitive parts of the brain taking over as a result of the procreation mechanism.
And the sex drive in men is harder to control than in women, imo.
I was a woman in a previous life, so I know. :mrgreen:

I don't see this statement as sexist.
There is a mountain of evidence that indicates women find it easier to cope with celibacy.
It is simply the way testosterone works as opposed to oestrogen.

There may be exceptions to the rulz, however.
If you know someone, tell me. :mrgreen:



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20 Sep 2021, 9:05 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
errr :oops:, sorry about that last post I made in here it was no good for this thread. I admit I got more than tipsy and was looking at that incel thread at the same time as this one and got them mixed up. And to nick007 your post was well written and good, I don't know why I quoted it to make my off topic nonsense post.


With me, it is caffeine.
I go nutzo on it. :mrgreen:



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20 Sep 2021, 9:08 am

PhosphorusDecree wrote:
I find it disturbing how romantic comedies normalise "love-bombing" behaviour. The ones I've seen all used this trope: persistant, over-the-top demonstrations of love to someone who isn't that interested.

"Jerks" can be dangerously charismatic. Self-confidence is an attractive trait to many people. But there are those whose self-confidence is founded on the belief that other people are just tools for them to use.


I think they are called narcissists, sociopaths and/or psychopaths. 8)



Minervx_2
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20 Sep 2021, 12:47 pm

RetroGamer87 wrote:
Minervx_2 wrote:
There's a thing called lovebombing:

I wonder if this is done intentionally or not. You're supposed to present the best version of yourself on a first date. Is this deception? Do people plan to become jerks after the honeymoon phase or does it happen so gradually they don't even notice?
Does love bombing mean over the top displays of affection or just being nice on a first date?


No. Sometimes people get really excited early on and are super affectionate, and maybe they take things a little too fast, but they do it out of genuine love, but that's not lovebombing.

Sometimes constant affection becomes a little cloying, and as a relationship settles, the affection is toned down a little bit, but the affection is still there and it's genuine. That's not lovebombing.

The key is what happens after the 2 people become a couple. If the partner becomes abusive or emotionally unavailable, then it's lovebombing. Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over".

It's important that we don't devalue the word lovebombing by overusing it when it doesn't apply. So that when people are lovebombed and say that they are that it has meaning.



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20 Sep 2021, 1:08 pm

Minervx_2 wrote:
... Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over"...
So why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle?


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VegetableMan
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20 Sep 2021, 1:45 pm

Fnord wrote:
Minervx_2 wrote:
... Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over"...
So why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle?


Because she had eight drinks before the ceremony.


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Pepe
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20 Sep 2021, 8:36 pm

VegetableMan wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Minervx_2 wrote:
... Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over"...
So why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle?


Because she had eight drinks before the ceremony.


<boom tish!> :mrgreen:



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23 Sep 2021, 7:45 pm

VegetableMan wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Minervx_2 wrote:
... Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over"...
So why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle?


Because she had eight drinks before the ceremony.
With Bridezillas it's because they're the center of attention. Those women see the wedding ceremony as a play that MUST be performed perfectly on opening night. I highly doubt that most women are like that thou but the 1s who are attract so much attention that it makes people wary.


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nick007
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23 Sep 2021, 8:04 pm

Minervx_2 wrote:
RetroGamer87 wrote:
I wonder if this is done intentionally or not. You're supposed to present the best version of yourself on a first date. Is this deception? Do people plan to become jerks after the honeymoon phase or does it happen so gradually they don't even notice?
Does love bombing mean over the top displays of affection or just being nice on a first date?


No. Sometimes people get really excited early on and are super affectionate, and maybe they take things a little too fast, but they do it out of genuine love, but that's not lovebombing.

Sometimes constant affection becomes a little cloying, and as a relationship settles, the affection is toned down a little bit, but the affection is still there and it's genuine. That's not lovebombing.

The key is what happens after the 2 people become a couple. If the partner becomes abusive or emotionally unavailable, then it's lovebombing. Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over".

It's important that we don't devalue the word lovebombing by overusing it when it doesn't apply. So that when people are lovebombed and say that they are that it has meaning.
Thanx for explaining the distinction. I was wondering myself. I LOVE the idea of a woman falling hard & fast for me & I fall hard & fast 1ce I'm in a relationship as well. Simply knowing that a woman was majorly into me or could become majorly into me made me really into her. This is why I'm not compatible with NT women. There seems to be some kinda social dance for how NT relationships start. You cant let somebody know your majorly into them because that would scare them off. You cant call the day after your date because you would seem too needy. You cant respond to the text rite after they are sent because you seem too needy :wall: When it comes to romantic relationships with NTs, there just seem to be so many rules about what to do & not do that I'm not allowed to be myself. I am a horrible actor & can not mask that well.


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24 Sep 2021, 3:38 pm

nick007 wrote:
This is why I'm not compatible with NT women.


Try not to homogenize billions of people into 1 category. Women are different. Even if you aren't compatible with many of them, there still may be some NT women out there that you are compatible with.


Quote:
There seems to be some kinda social dance for how NT relationships start. You cant let somebody know your majorly into them because that would scare them off.


This is not just a ritual. It's for good reason. You want to give the other person space to develop feelings.

Also, it's probably not a good idea to be majorly into someone early on. You may not know a ton about them or whether you're compatible or not. It's easy to create lots of premature expectations of what the person would be like as a partner without knowing.

Quote:
You cant call the day after your date because you would seem too needy.


This is not true. You can call the day after the date. These kinds of waiting games are artificial and immature; women can see thru it; this is the type of advice that weird seduction communities give out, but it's not an actual rule.

Quote:
You cant respond to the text rite after they are sent because you seem too needy


This is not true. Where are you getting this from?

[/quote]there just seem to be so many rules about what to do & not do that I'm not allowed to be myself.[/quote]

People who are compatible with you will love you. Those who aren't won't be. But you don't want to put out a fake version of yourself to try to make a girl into a version of you that's not real.

You should be yourself. By being less of yourself, you're less attractive to the people who will like you for who you are.



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24 Sep 2021, 4:59 pm

nick007 wrote:
VegetableMan wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Minervx_2 wrote:
... Lovebombing is when people do nice things just for the intent to gain their trust and then stop doing those nice things after they already "won the person over"...
So why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle?
Because she had eight drinks before the ceremony.
With Bridezillas it's because they're the center of attention. Those women see the wedding ceremony as a play that MUST be performed perfectly on opening night. I highly doubt that most women are like that thou but the 1s who are attract so much attention that it makes people wary.
I see no one else watches the same movies I watch.


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28 Sep 2021, 1:25 am

Quote:
Minervx_2 wrote:
nick007 wrote:
This is why I'm not compatible with NT women.


Try not to homogenize billions of people into 1 category. Women are different. Even if you aren't compatible with many of them, there still may be some NT women out there that you are compatible with.


Quote:
There seems to be some kinda social dance for how NT relationships start. You cant let somebody know your majorly into them because that would scare them off.


This is not just a ritual. It's for good reason. You want to give the other person space to develop feelings.

Also, it's probably not a good idea to be majorly into someone early on. You may not know a ton about them or whether you're compatible or not. It's easy to create lots of premature expectations of what the person would be like as a partner without knowing.

Quote:
You cant call the day after your date because you would seem too needy.


This is not true. You can call the day after the date. These kinds of waiting games are artificial and immature; women can see thru it; this is the type of advice that weird seduction communities give out, but it's not an actual rule.

Quote:
You cant respond to the text rite after they are sent because you seem too needy


This is not true. Where are you getting this from?

Quote:
there just seem to be so many rules about what to do & not do that I'm not allowed to be myself.


People who are compatible with you will love you. Those who aren't won't be. But you don't want to put out a fake version of yourself to try to make a girl into a version of you that's not real.

You should be yourself. By being less of yourself, you're less attractive to the people who will like you for who you are.


Ummm, you yourself say you can't generalise.

Some women may find someone who phones or texts "too soon", whatever that is, "needy".
Probably most wouldn't, at a guess.
I doubt every woman would react the same way.

If someone is into you, I think she would want a phone call sooner rather than later.
And I should know.
After all, I have virtually no experience in dating. <humour> :mrgreen: