Why Autistic Men Are More Likely To Struggle With Dating

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auntblabby
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21 Jan 2022, 4:50 am

i was employed for decades. but i am still largely invisible to women and men.



WantToHaveALife
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23 Jan 2022, 11:52 am

Muse933277 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
men need to either focus or learn more on the behavioral aspect than women do when it comes to attracting someone, a mans social skills or social behaviors impact his dating life, attractiveness, a lot more than the other way around it seems.



This is true.

For women, their looks are more of a defining factor for what is considered attractive. As long as a woman is decently attractive, she can get away with poorer social skills and social awkwardness (to a certain extent) and it seems like men tend to be more forgiving. Plus many guys are suckers for pretty girls no matter what their personality is like. Why do you think my sister was able to get guys despite having a not great personality? No offence.


BUT the downside is that women are judged primarily for their looks which means if you're ugly (especially for factors outside of your control) there is very little you can do to raise your dating/sexual market value if you're a woman. If you're an ugly/average man on the other hand, it's easier to make up for it since a man's SMV is tied to charisma, wealth, social status, and looks.


i assume we humans have been attracted to this since we used to more like apes



auntblabby
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23 Jan 2022, 6:32 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
Muse933277 wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
men need to either focus or learn more on the behavioral aspect than women do when it comes to attracting someone, a mans social skills or social behaviors impact his dating life, attractiveness, a lot more than the other way around it seems.



This is true.

For women, their looks are more of a defining factor for what is considered attractive. As long as a woman is decently attractive, she can get away with poorer social skills and social awkwardness (to a certain extent) and it seems like men tend to be more forgiving. Plus many guys are suckers for pretty girls no matter what their personality is like. Why do you think my sister was able to get guys despite having a not great personality? No offence.


BUT the downside is that women are judged primarily for their looks which means if you're ugly (especially for factors outside of your control) there is very little you can do to raise your dating/sexual market value if you're a woman. If you're an ugly/average man on the other hand, it's easier to make up for it since a man's SMV is tied to charisma, wealth, social status, and looks.


i assume we humans have been attracted to this since we used to more like apes

if a man lacks the genes [yes they do exist] for social intelligence/entrepreneurial talent, not much he can do other than rely on dumb luck.



Dillogic
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25 Jan 2022, 5:46 am

I've had little issues with people being interested in me in the painful but mostly peaceful world, because superficial things do superficial things and I appear nice enough (I might be nice, I might not be; I couldn't tell you). The issue is I've never been all that interested back. Which made me feel bad there as I do have empathy and can see things all the same. It's also quite the shock to my relatives, neighbors and friends of my mother, and they keep on talking of even now. "Why isn't Dill off doing things with someone?"

It'd be no issue for me to find a ~40 year old partner now, because of those things the relatives and co. see, but that's not me, and I kinda don't want someone to love me for that anyway.

I've also been in love with someone for like a decade now, so that'll answer the question above. I've got an odd heart, it's just been too broken, and often dead.



HighLlama
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25 Jan 2022, 6:23 am

Dillogic wrote:
"Why isn't Dill off doing things with someone?"


Maybe because most people are f*****g boring?? Not speaking for you :) Just my own experience.

Quote:
I've got an odd heart, it's just been too broken.


I definitely relate to this. It's a hard lesson to learn just how many people operate on self-image and insecurity.



WantToHaveALife
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25 Jan 2022, 5:12 pm

its probably more common than we think for a lot of autistic men to become 30 year old virgins or older



auntblabby
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25 Jan 2022, 6:28 pm

or to die unwanted virgins. unnoticed. unlamented. all eleanor rigby types.



AspieAuthor18
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25 Jan 2022, 11:03 pm

Finding a good match is very difficult, especially in the age of Covid.



auntblabby
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26 Jan 2022, 1:13 am

covid fkkked up everything.



Dillogic
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26 Jan 2022, 4:18 am

HighLlama wrote:
I definitely relate to this. It's a hard lesson to learn just how many people operate on self-image and insecurity.


I feel like I don't deserve to be loved, as I can't love myself. Likely Haven stuff there (more like group therapy). It'd be one of the reasons why I've pushed people away, including the one I've been in love with for so long.

It's a sad story that caused it.



auntblabby
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26 Jan 2022, 4:21 am

Dillogic wrote:
HighLlama wrote:
I definitely relate to this. It's a hard lesson to learn just how many people operate on self-image and insecurity.


I feel like I don't deserve to be loved, as I can't love myself. Likely Haven stuff there (more like group therapy). It'd be one of the reasons why I've pushed people away, including the one I've been in love with for so long.

It's a sad story that caused it.

can you give me a hint as to what is the #1 thing in your life that is making you feel bad about yourself?



Dillogic
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26 Jan 2022, 7:00 am

A false sense of guilt from abuse
A sense of guilt when it comes to that really loud violence stuff (professionals say false)

The same as hundreds of other men [and women] I've seen in hospitals, just slightly different details between us all (someone else deserves those details, otherwise they're locked up with family, professionals, random nameless in group therapy and some insurance agent that had to read through my folder one time, lol).

Whilst I feel I don't deserve love, I'm done pushing people away, along with the rest of my bad coping mechanisms (avoidance/withdrawal and so on). So in a way, I'm "healed". Maybe I healed too late, maybe not. Regardless, I healed. Funnily, I did it by myself along with some help from a family member and daydreams/thoughts of the aforementioned individual. Maybe I should never have gone to the mental hospitals. :lol:

(Don't want to derail this thread.)



HighLlama
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26 Jan 2022, 4:44 pm

Dillogic wrote:
A false sense of guilt from abuse
A sense of guilt when it comes to that really loud violence stuff (professionals say false)

The same as hundreds of other men [and women] I've seen in hospitals, just slightly different details between us all (someone else deserves those details, otherwise they're locked up with family, professionals, random nameless in group therapy and some insurance agent that had to read through my folder one time, lol).

Whilst I feel I don't deserve love, I'm done pushing people away, along with the rest of my bad coping mechanisms (avoidance/withdrawal and so on). So in a way, I'm "healed". Maybe I healed too late, maybe not. Regardless, I healed. Funnily, I did it by myself along with some help from a family member and daydreams/thoughts of the aforementioned individual. Maybe I should never have gone to the mental hospitals. :lol:

(Don't want to derail this thread.)


Your comments are probably pretty appropriate here. I do relate to your feelings. I can't give any profound answers. For me, personally, I've worked on redeveloping a better relationship with myself. I've also learned to let out a lot of anger toward the abusive people in my life, and to remember to laugh at them. I don't know if that helps, but hopefully it does.



WantToHaveALife
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27 Jan 2022, 12:59 am

i feel my current relationship is not a true relationship at the moment



HighLlama
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27 Jan 2022, 2:21 am

WantToHaveALife wrote:
i feel my current relationship is not a true relationship at the moment


Why is that?



auntblabby
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27 Jan 2022, 7:34 am

Dillogic wrote:
A false sense of guilt from abuse A sense of guilt when it comes to that really loud violence stuff (professionals say false) The same as hundreds of other men [and women] I've seen in hospitals, just slightly different details between us all (someone else deserves those details, otherwise they're locked up with family, professionals, random nameless in group therapy and some insurance agent that had to read through my folder one time, lol). Whilst I feel I don't deserve love, I'm done pushing people away, along with the rest of my bad coping mechanisms (avoidance/withdrawal and so on). So in a way, I'm "healed". Maybe I healed too late, maybe not. Regardless, I healed. Funnily, I did it by myself along with some help from a family member and daydreams/thoughts of the aforementioned individual. Maybe I should never have gone to the mental hospitals. :lol: (Don't want to derail this thread.)

with me, a feeling of inferiority, deep-seated, also from abuse. but i somehow went in the opposite direction, being overly friendly to anybody who was the least bit nice to me.