autistic gals vs autistic guys

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SkinnyElephant
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01 Oct 2022, 11:14 pm

Here's an observation I've made from reading/posting on the forum: A lot of autistic gals are, largely, non-sympathetic toward the struggles of autistic guys within the dating realm.

I know autism affects each gender differently (especially when it comes to dating). However, I'd expect autistic gals would have more sympathy for autistic guys. When all it comes down to it, any autistic individual, male or female, deals with more issues than the general population does.

I'm not saying every autistic gal is as I've described. However, an alarming amount (on this forum at least) are no different than neurotypical gals (Branding us as "creeps" for our social blunders when it comes to dating, telling us "you should have known better than to ____," etc)

Has anyone else noticed?



lostonearth35
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02 Oct 2022, 12:42 am

I don't speak for all female people on the autism spectrum, but when I was a teenager about 99% of the people who bullied, harassed, and generally treated me like garbage were guys. They nearly always got away with it and continued doing it up until I was in my late 20s. I couldn't even go out for a walk or to the mall without those scumbags coming after me.

Also I'm asexual so I don't feel any empathy for people who are miserable for not being able to have sex, and guys seem to always complain a lot louder in spite of it being a stereotype. Maybe the stereotype that all women are asexual is true as well.



The Grand Inquisitor
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02 Oct 2022, 2:35 am

I wouldn't say a lot. I think more women here are sympathetic than not, but it's probably harder for some of them who haven't had similar struggles to empathise, as is the nature of autism. There are also successful men here who are quite unsympathetic to those of us who struggle, too.

On the flipside, there have been women who've stopped posting in this section because their struggles have been downplayed and invalidated by male members who perceive that women cannot struggle with dating, or at least not to the same extent that they do.

I think members' first instinct should be to be supportive of one another, really hear each other out, and realise that people have different needs, different challenges, and different wiring. Nobody should have their needs, desires or difficulties dismissed by members who don't have the same problems, or who are in similar circumstances but aren't bothered by them.



klanka
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02 Oct 2022, 5:27 am

i had a look at some threads, there are women who offer some supportive messages like condolences. There are others who are quick to label blokes as incels or losers, those negative messages are probably the posts that stick out and are more memorable.
There are a tiny minority of men here who label autistic guys in that negative way as well....they are probably not autistic themselves.

like the above post by lostonearth, if that was a bloke posting that about women there would be several people to come along and say he hates women, is an incel etc.
I dont take it personally cos i know she had a hard time.



Last edited by klanka on 02 Oct 2022, 6:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

Nades
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02 Oct 2022, 5:39 am

A handful of female members appear misandrist yes.

Some of them speak down to male posters here in a snarky and patronising manner. Others just nit pick male members posts and dissect and misconstrue what was said. Sometimes it's a genuine misunderstanding but often it's not.

This thread might get onto a touchy topic of men Vs women in the dating world. We have a habit here of "the pen is blue" mentality.



kmb501
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02 Oct 2022, 9:46 am

That's news to me. I thought we'd be more sympathetic to autistic guys because we're all, you know, autistic. Plus, we've got that "male brain" thing going for us, or the idea that most autistic women's brains function like the brains of non-autistic guys. I agree that I don't like people who hurt others because of what they can't get from them, but I doubt autistic people, of any gender, fall into that category.



SkinnyElephant
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02 Oct 2022, 10:34 am

lostonearth35 wrote:
I don't speak for all female people on the autism spectrum, but when I was a teenager about 99% of the people who bullied, harassed, and generally treated me like garbage were guys. They nearly always got away with it and continued doing it up until I was in my late 20s. I couldn't even go out for a walk or to the mall without those scumbags coming after me.

Also I'm asexual so I don't feel any empathy for people who are miserable for not being able to have sex, and guys seem to always complain a lot louder in spite of it being a stereotype. Maybe the stereotype that all women are asexual is true as well.


I'm not sure what exactly the harassment consisted of (and I'm not going to put words in your mouth). However, a common complaint I hear from gals is that guys will cat-call her.

Just like hearing guys complain about celibacy falls on deaf ears to you, hearing gals complain about cat-calling falls on deaf ears to me. I, along with probably a lot of guys, would be thrilled (and flattered) if I got cat-called (even if I'm not attracted to the woman cat-calling me).

Not every woman is asexual (in fact, very few are). However, guys are a lot hornier on average. Because mother nature/evolution made the genders this way. It's not our fault we (guys) were designed to be more sex-crazed.



SkinnyElephant
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02 Oct 2022, 10:39 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
I wouldn't say a lot. I think more women here are sympathetic than not, but it's probably harder for some of them who haven't had similar struggles to empathise, as is the nature of autism. There are also successful men here who are quite unsympathetic to those of us who struggle, too.

On the flipside, there have been women who've stopped posting in this section because their struggles have been downplayed and invalidated by male members who perceive that women cannot struggle with dating, or at least not to the same extent that they do.

I think members' first instinct should be to be supportive of one another, really hear each other out, and realise that people have different needs, different challenges, and different wiring. Nobody should have their needs, desires or difficulties dismissed by members who don't have the same problems, or who are in similar circumstances but aren't bothered by them.


I've had better luck than some guys (likely because I'm only on the spectrum to a mild degree). However, I still have a much harder time than a neurotypical guy. As a result, I totally sympathize with guys who have it worse than me.

It's possible some of my posts might have come across as being non-sympathetic. I never intended for any of my posts to come across that way though (and I'm not necessarily saying I'm one of the guys you were talking about)



SkinnyElephant
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02 Oct 2022, 10:42 am

kmb501 wrote:
That's news to me. I thought we'd be more sympathetic to autistic guys because we're all, you know, autistic. Plus, we've got that "male brain" thing going for us, or the idea that most autistic women's brains function like the brains of non-autistic guys. I agree that I don't like people who hurt others because of what they can't get from them, but I doubt autistic people, of any gender, fall into that category.


Non-autistic men often belittle us too (for our struggles with the ladies). If an autistic woman is wired like a neurotypical guy, it's still quite possible she could fall into the trap of belittling us (not saying you're a belittler).



IsabellaLinton
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02 Oct 2022, 10:53 am

This isn't specific to love and dating, but here's a thread which explains how I feel about autistic men's mental health.

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=398728#p8827465

There's also this:

viewtopic.php?f=35&t=401564&hilit=men%27s+mental+health#p8903977



AprilR
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02 Oct 2022, 11:15 am

I live in a society where violence against women is very common. Just yesterday a random guy at a bus stop asked for my social media. It was scary, but now that i think of it he might have low social skills and have no intention of harming me. But i have no way of knowing that, especially since i have loe social skills myself.

What i mean is, women have no way of knowing whether someone is a stalker/abuser or just have poor social skills/have trouble with Boundaries.
So we have to be careful and not take risks.



SkinnyElephant
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02 Oct 2022, 11:23 am

AprilR wrote:
I live in a society where violence against women is very common. Just yesterday a random guy at a bus stop asked for my social media. It was scary, but now that i think of it he might have low social skills and have no intention of harming me. But i have no way of knowing that, especially since i have loe social skills myself.

What i mean is, women have no way of knowing whether someone is a stalker/abuser or just have poor social skills/have trouble with Boundaries.
So we have to be careful and not take risks.


If he had bad intentions, he wouldn't go to the hassle of getting your social media. He'd simply act on his bad intentions right then and there.

Plenty of guys get abused by guys too (not necessarily sexually; I'm talking abuse in general). I've had guys do much worse than ask for my social media.



AprilR
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02 Oct 2022, 11:31 am

^That's true, but when i Said i don't use it he kept asking and insisting whether i have another social media account and such. It was scary because we also got off at the same stop so he might have followed me.

What i mean is in terms of dating, i don't think it is fair to expect women to assume everyone has good intentions. Especially autistic women who are not socially savvy. If something/someone is to blame it should be abusers/stalkers that make women feel unsafe



SkinnyElephant
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02 Oct 2022, 11:36 am

AprilR wrote:
^That's true, but when i Said i don't use it he kept asking and insisting whether i have another social media account and such. It was scary because we also got off at the same stop so he might have followed me.

What i mean is in terms of dating, i don't think it is fair to expect women to assume everyone has good intentions. Especially autistic women who are not socially savvy. If something/someone is to blame it should be abusers/stalkers that make women feel unsafe


I hear what you're saying.

However, it's taboo to be skeptical of a certain ethnic group due to the actions of some. Shouldn't it also be taboo to be skeptical of men in general due to the actions of some?



AprilR
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02 Oct 2022, 11:50 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
AprilR wrote:
^That's true, but when i Said i don't use it he kept asking and insisting whether i have another social media account and such. It was scary because we also got off at the same stop so he might have followed me.

What i mean is in terms of dating, i don't think it is fair to expect women to assume everyone has good intentions. Especially autistic women who are not socially savvy. If something/someone is to blame it should be abusers/stalkers that make women feel unsafe


I hear what you're saying.

However, it's taboo to be skeptical of a certain ethnic group due to the actions of some. Shouldn't it also be taboo to be skeptical of men in general due to the actions of some?


Yes it must be very frustrating for autistic men in particular, because of the action of stalkers/abusers women might also misunderstand their social blunders as deliberate boundary crossing behavior.
And most societies expect men to make the first move, so being too passive as a man is also looked down upon. It is very frustrating.



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02 Oct 2022, 12:19 pm

AprilR wrote:
I live in a society where violence against women is very common. Just yesterday a random guy at a bus stop asked for my social media. It was scary, but now that i think of it he might have low social skills and have no intention of harming me. But i have no way of knowing that, especially since i have loe social skills myself.

What i mean is, women have no way of knowing whether someone is a stalker/abuser or just have poor social skills/have trouble with Boundaries.
So we have to be careful and not take risks.

If by society you mean Western society in general, it seems to me this has only become a thing in recent decades. I don't remember it from when I was young. Back then, some young women went hitchhiking solo, and even had sex with their rides if they were attracted, then boasted about it to their friends. For some reason straight sex has gotten ugly in the 21st Century.


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