Maybe I should go ahead and date non-whites

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That's quite the shopping list of criteria's that you have.

Maybe I communicate better on WP because I have time on my side to think what to say. Especially if I am obsessing about something that happened days, weeks or even months ago. With women, I don't have time to think or edit what it is I would say. So I would slip and say something they would totally misinterpret. Then I would try to correct misinterpretation but they wouldn't want to listen to me. So I would be obsessing about it for days and weeks. Then I will come to WP and talk about it -- and by that time I won't be "slipping" in that particular way since I already thought that through.

Here are some examples of miscommunication:

1) Back in 2005, Anne thought that just because my mom shelters me, it means I wanted her to do the same. No I weren't. As a matter of fact, thats the one thing that I resent my mom for. Why would i be looking for something that I resent?

2) That same Anne said something to suggest I was settling on her (which was absolutely not true: she is pure German and a sister of a senator, a graduate student in math, and normal weight, so she would have been the one person I wasn't settling on). But I wanted to appease her, and I thought that by agreeing with something that she said, I would make her less upset at me. She was suggesting I go to an autism group on campus to learn social skill. So I said "you are right that part of the problem is my social skills; if I had better social skills I would just drop you". But you see, by "drop you", I meant "drop the subject". As in, it upsets her that I keep thinking about her not dating me, so I should have "dropped the subject". But I accidentally said "drop you" instead of "drop the subject". She said "drop me? Thanks". But then I didn't know what to tell her because I was really nervous that I upset her so I went into stoppor. And then when I finally gathered my thoughts to explain myself, she said she was done talking about it.

3) In 2006, there was a girl named Anita. I was talking to her, and my neighbor went past me. So I hanged up the phone so that he doesn't know I have a girlfriend so that when my mom visits me she won't learn about my girlfriend from him: I kept my girlfriend from my mom. She knew that I kept her from my mom. But when I told her about it this time, she decided I was ashamed of her. And I kept tryign to explain that I keep all women from my mom not just her, and I was calling her phone leaving a bunch of messages. Then she called me back and left me a message saying "I listened to all your messages, and not a single one says 'Anita, please don't break up with me', therefore I am breaking up with you". Then I sent her an email titled "Anita, please don't break up with me" where I told her that the only reason I didn't say that phrase is that it is self-evident from the context of everything else I was saying. Then she said "I don't want you to say this phrase, please call me and I would explain". So I called. She told me "don't you realize I want you to be happy?" And I was like "how can you say I would be happy if you break up with me if I am telling you the exact opposite: that I would be happy if we were together -- otherwise why would I want to make all those phone calls". And then she said "other than your mom, physics, and me, what is it that makes you happy?" And then I took effort to think of some things. In any case, I thought it was resolved and we were together. Then I went on a 10 day Birthright Israel trip. At that trip, kids bullied me a lot. So I came from that trip upset. And I got email from her "its raining, and everything seems fresh and new; to me it is, and thats where I say goodbye to you". I read it as her breaking up so I got really upset and was calling her again. Then she called me at night and explained to me that she wasn't breaking up. By goodbye she simply means ending of that particular email message. I believed her. But you see, since I was upset the whole day before she called, my body was weak. And besides, my body was also weak from being upset about the way people treated me on that trip. So just by hearing that she isn't breaking up, my body can't become strong again within a second. I continued to have weak voice. Then she kept asking me why am I sounding upset, and asked me to take deep breath, etc. But I was fine: like I said its pure physiology. In any case, next day she blocked me. I called her from paid phone (back then we had those) and she hanged up. Then when I emailed her, few days later she said the reason she blocked me is because I "went into pouting stage the last time we talked". But I weren't pouting: that was just my natural voice feeling week. I tried to explain it to her but she said that my overanalyzing is sickening and thats the reason why she ends a relationship. But what am I suppsoed to do: I had to overanalyze to explain how I wasn't "pouting" when she thought I was.

4) I dated Jennifer for 2 years, in 2007--2009. So obviously this miscommunication didn't lead to a breakup. But still: it caused me to miss an opportunity of getting to know her friends. So what happened was that, during her birthday, I said I felt really special that I was the only one invited. She interpretted it to mean that I prefer not to be around her friends. So she honored my wish and only had me meet her friends maybe four or five times within 2 years of our relationship. But thats not what I meant at all. Yes, it feels special to be the only one invited. BUT I also want to get to know her friends too, particularly since I don't have friends of my own. Its kind of like, I like pies and I like herring. Sounds like contradiction: herring with pies is a bad combination. But no, there is no contradiction: I want pies at one time, and herring at another time. Similarly, I wanted to be one on one with Jennifer at one time, and I wanted to be around her friends at some other time. But she didn't seem to get it.

5) I dated Ginger in 2013--2014. This was long distance relationship as I was in India first year and a half of a relationship. So one time I was going on and on about creation and evolution. And in the middle of my monologue Ginger said "isn't it interesting your other account pops up". I didn't really want to respond to the interruption since I wanted to finish my thought. So I said "oh yeah its interesting" and then continued my monologue about creation and evolution. Then she said "oops, again another account pops up". Then I said "I am not sure what it is" and again continued my monologue about creation and evolution. Then she said "I don't care about creation and evolution. Please tell me what is going on with skype". This is the first time I understood she was actually upset. Up until this time, it sounded like she was just disracted because she was bored. But I had no idea why she would be upset about something like this. Its one thing to be disracted by birds, which is quite annoying but I can deal with it, and it is quite another thing to be upset about said birds. So I said something rude (don't remember what) and she hanged up on me. I kept trying to call her on skype, and she sent me a message saying "I am done for today, you got what you wanted". Then I kept calling her more and more, and when I FINALLY got her to take the call, she explained to me that she thought I was talking from a different skype account to another girl. But you see how I didn't even know that was the case. I thought she was just being picky about some little thing without even knowing why.

6) My mom had a landlord, Jack, who had his two sons, Ben and David, coming over. David was bringing his daughter Brook. I was planning to leave, to work with my advisor, a week before that, and thats exactly what I ended up doing. But my mom was trying to pressure me to stay a week longer, so I could meet Brook. So I told Ginger about it. And Ginger decided I was cheating on her with Brook. But here is the thing. I knew Brook for many years before Ginger was ever in the picture. I talked to Brook only once in few years, during visits similar to this one. Those visits weren't about me and Brook, they were about Jack and David. And besides, I didn't want to meet Brook that particuar time anyway, my mom wanted me to. And when I followed my own plans and not my mom's and didn't stay to meet Brook, Brook still went to where Jack is, not me. So this should clearly show that there were no cheating involved. Yet it took me an hour to convince Ginger of this.

7) What actually got Ginger to break up with me was "not" either of those two incidents. Instead, what it was is when I was contemplating cancelling Thanksgiving visit to Ginger so that I can work with my professor on another paper. When I saw she got upset, I visitted her anyway, yet she still broke up with me after Thanksgiving. In any case, the Thanksgiving thing was not a miscommunication. But miscommunication was when I was re-telling that story to another girl. The way the other girl understood it is that I cancelled my wedding plans with Brook. WHAT??? I wasn't dating Brook, I was dating Ginger. And I wasn't cancelling wedding plans. I only cancelled a Thanksgiving visit. Ginger wasn't going to have a wedding given that it was only my second visit to her in our long distance relationship!! ! Yet that girl decided not to talk to me due to her complete misinterpretation of that what happened.

8 ) Back in 2015, I had a white roommate Stephen and a black roommate Jonathan. I was walking down a certain square late at night where there are bars. And I saw Stephen with Jonathan and a group of other people. I was upset that Stephen invited Jonathan but didn't invite me (I knew they were Stephen's friends rather than Jonathan's). So I called Jonathan N-word. I didn't mean to do this: I never said it was appropriate to be rude to black people. The only thing I ever said is that I don't wnat to date blacks with is irrelevant here: I am not gay. So basically I said something I totally didn't mean. But that was NOT miscommunication; miscommunication is something ELSE So there were two white girls, Hannah and Dana. So the point of miscommunication was that Dana, Hannah and Jonathan were all confused with each other. Apparently my story was interpretted as if I called one or both of those girls with N-word (which I couldn't have possibly done since they were both White) and also that I was enraged at Dana when actually I was enraged at Hannah. So here is what happened. I met Hannah at a dining hall, and Hannah mentioned she works in something housing-related. So I was trying to ask her whether I would get into trouble with university due to what happened with Jonathan. Which by the way I didn't have to ask since its been two or three weeks and so I should have known that it was fine. But in any case, she was telling me "its okay, don't be so hard on yourself, etc" yet she kept looking around the room all scared. So did she think I was stupid that I would believe what she says if her face totally contradicts this? So thats what I was enraged about: and the person I was enraged at was Hannah (keep this in mind: this would be one of the points of confusion). As far as Dana goes, I knew her from the group therapy, but we exchanged facebook accounts. So I told Dana what happened over facebook, and I used the word "enraged" as I did it. Her reply was, "thats what happens when you use N-words; I am sure it enrages you". Well, not too sensitive, but fair enough. But then when I came to the group therapy session, I realized that no, she didn't mean what I thought she meant. Instead, she said that I told her over facebook that I was enraged that she (that is, Dana) didn't respond to me right away and/or didn't say hello to me at the library: and there was one time when she purposely avoided coming to the library when she saw me walking in there, so that I won't ask her why she didn't approach me. I was like what are you talking about? First of all, I was enraged at Hannah, and not at Dana. Secondly, I never once wondered why Dana doesn't talk to me, I was wondering about Hannah. Now, this might be shallow: cause Dana was 39, married, and Hannah was in her 20-s, single. But we are not talking about whether it was shallow or not. We are talking about facts. The fact of a matter is that Dana had never been a person I am obsessing about. She has only been a person I was using to complain about *others* whom I was obsesing about. Yet Dana assumed I was obsessing about her. Even though my facebook messages were there for her to re-read and see whom exactly I was enraged at. Then the other thing that happened is that -- again, at the therapy session, and not on facebook -- Dana said that Hannah had every right to be upset because I called her (that is, Hannah) an N-word. Wait a second. I didn't call Hannah an N-word. I called Jonathan an N-word. In case of Hannah, I simply described to her the way I called Jonathan an N-word! But you see, as an aspie, I can't think on my feet. So I wasn't prepared to respond to any of the above that moment since I didn't expect her to confuse all those facts. But then as I was stewing over it for a week, I pretty much came to the next section angry about it and wanting to confront her on this. So this time, yes, I was enraged at Dana (but again, please dont confuse facts: Dana said I was enraged at her two weeks prior; I wasn't; I was enraged at Hannah; I only became enraged at Dana BECAUSE she falsely accused me of being enraged at her, see my point?) So, at this session, Dana said that part of the issue is that I called her N-word. What? So, a week prior, she confused Jonathan with Hannah, and decided that I called Hannah an N-word when actually I called Jonathan N-word. But now she is confusing Hannah with herself, and decided I called her an N-word because she thought I called Hannah that word??? In any case, she reported it to university police and they took me out of the group counseling and moved me to individual counseling. When I went to police station and explained all those miscommunications, they said it is fine they are not pursuing the case. When I asked them how can she report this, they said anyone is allowed to report anything, even if it is miscommunication. Now, when I went to one-on-one counseling, which I did with the same therapist who did group counseling, he got yet another confusing. According to him, Dana was upset at me that I use N-word. Nope thats not the case. She was upset at me for stalking (remember that thing about being afraid to walk into the library?) Using N-word is not a crime, stalking is. So being upset at N-word doesn't make it okay to accuse me of stalking. But, according to the therapist, it was all about N-word. Also, the therapist denied that any of the above miscommunications ever happened. According to him, she was just upset that I use N-word at all. But wasn't she right there in the room when those miscommunications happened? How come he doesn't remember them?

9) In 2016, my advisor refused working with me because he wanted me to get through a certain book within 1 semester, but I thought it should take a year, so I wasn't through that book, so according to him I was "not a serious student". But then there was a Chinese girl (don't remember her name) who was on her third year working with him, and she only gone through half of that book. Now, as it happens, I was complaining to her on a regular basis about various things others said or did (particularly the facutly) that upset me. And she was talking to me for hours and was patient. So I assumed she would be patient this time. Well, suddenly she wasn't. And that was a big surprise. In any case, what I was basically asking her this particular time, was how come he didn't refuse working with her yet he refused working with me. But the way I phrased it is "how come you are a serious student and I am not". Her response was, among other things, "if you think I am not a serious student, that is fine". I found it funny, because if I were to take it literally, as in me "just" talking about who is serious student "without" connection to the above-described context, it would be pretty funny that I would take time to talk about it. So thats how my humor works: if I notice that something taken out of context would sound funny, I would laugh. And the reason I didn't try to stop myself from laughing is that, as I said, she was super patient with me up until then. So I was assuming she would be patient this time too. In any case, after I laughed, she looked upset and left the room. I was worried that she left the room to report me. So when she came back, I asked her "where did you go". She said "I went to the bathroom; if you want to know when I change my pads, I will be telling this to you from now on". So now I saw that I got myself in a bad situation: just that she would even think I would ask her this. So I explained that no, thats not what I meant. The reason I asked her where she was going was that I was concerned that she would report the interaction prior to this and I thought she went to report it, I didn't know she went to the bathroom. Then the male roommate (to whom I was also complaining in the past, just as much as to her if not more so) made a joke by saying "maybe we should report him, what do ya think" and took a pen while laughing about it. Then she left again. And this time she DID report me. Now what she reported me is my asking that she went to the bathroom! But how was I suppsoed to know that she went to the bathroom? That certainly wasnt my intention when I asked her "where were you going". So I explained to the chair what I actually meant. And he said he is concerned about my "paranoia". Okay first of all I dont have paranoia I have Asperger. But alright, thats not factual: there is no blood test for either of those things, so I guess you could construe it as paranoia. But here is the plain logic. If I go with his "paranoia" claim, then my intention of that question had nothing to do with the bathroom, right? So how can she still accuse me of asking her about the bathroom then? Then the other thing he said at the ambutz office is that I was physically cornering her. Which is not true either. I was standing in the middle of the room as I was talking. But again I didn't say this because due to Asperger I can't think on my feet, and besides I was already planning to transfer out of that school to run away from all this, which I did.

10) Back in 2018, I was at a Jewish club, and I didn't tell them that I believe in Jesus. Instead, I simply asked them the following question. Why do 80% of Jews vote democrat, despite the fact that a) Republicans are more in favor of Israel than democrats are b) Jews are rich and Republicans support rich c) The conservative values that Republicans support are coming from Old Testament, and Jews believe in Old Testament. Now, as an example of point "c", I asked them how come the majority of Jews support homosexuality if Old Testament condemns it? In any case, they removed me from my mailing list. When a year later I asked them why, they said its because I talked about sex I was like "what"? And then they said "gay sex". But wait a second: homosexuality is a widely discussed political topic. Where did they get an idea I talked about sex?

So in other words you are saying its (i). But if it is (ii) then it won't be the case would it? What if the only reason I need validation is that I don't have friends. So if my girlfriend makes sure I am introduced to her friends, then I won't need validation any more.

This doesn't make sense.
You can't love someone if you view them as a consolation prize.
We don't "settle" for people we love.

And what if you turn them into enemies? Causing your girlfirend lose her friends?

But see - that's exactly what I say about external validation: you claim you need validation for lack of friends. So, you don't have (or don't see in yourself) resources to self-validate.

What I am saying is that "being loved" is more important than loving someone myself. Being loved is what validates me.

I wish I could be loved by the person I love. But since that doesn't happen (due to people on the top of my list not loving me back), I wish to at least be loved by someone that I don't love.

Okay, then you mean (ii).

Thats why I was asking you, do you mean (i) or (ii)? In previous reply you sounded like (i) and now you sound like (ii).

Speaking of (ii), I need to learn social skills. I can't learn them in the vacuum. But if my girlfriend can teach them to me, then I can learn them while being with her, and that way I won't push away her friends.



The word "resources" imply something external. The word "self-validate" implies internal. So do you mean external or internal?

If it is internal, then it is mystery to me how it can work.

If it is external, then I hope my girlfriend would provide them to me. In order for me not to waste them, she should teach me social skills and then I won't waste them.

Adopt a dog.
You'll be unconditionally loved just for giving food and taking to walks.

That's a joke, right? ^

You think a woman will love you if you don't love them, and you rate them as substandard because of a perceived design flaw like their age, skin colour, or relationship history?



Good luck with that.

It's a combination of both.

You expect really a lot from your hypothetical girlfriend. Why in your opinion would she decide to burden herself with such a hard work with high chance for a failure that would ruin her life?

Why can't resources be internal? One's time is a resource. One's energy is a resource.

Being happy by yourself.
What makes you happy?

Again: why would you expect anyone to agree to such terms?

You make it sound like your girlfriend will be a dog trainer or behaviour therapist, in addition to loving a man who judges her and doesn't love her in return.

This is abusive and unrealistic.

If that's truly your attitude about dating, please don't try.

It sounds like you need mental health support more than you need to marginalise women.

Those incidents you just wrote about seem like a curse to me, ,million to one unfortunate events and misunderstandings.
I have suffered similar and still am.

I watched Derek Prince videos and he was talking about curses so thats how i know about the subject.

I was asking God the reasons and i got several:
-because i got lonely and texted my wife whom i am seperated from. She isnt my friend but im texting her like she is.
-i was volunteering too much, im the one who needs help and volunteering when you need to help yourself is foolish, foolishness is a sin according to the bible
-doing too much religious activity like praying fasting reading the bible evangelising...because you cant please God by doing these things. SO if you do them to excess you are simply torturing yourself and not leaving time and energy for practical things.
-unconfessed sin
I think he said I just need to tell my friend some sins i did and then i'll get a job, of course we never know when we are really hearing from God, but this is not a dangerous or risky thing to do , so i'll try it out.

I don't doubt for a second QFT will be emotionally abusive towards a non white partner.

This thread title alone makes me sick in the stomach.

Being emotionally abusive would ruin the purpose of my relationship. I want relationship for the purposes of self-validation. I can't get self-validation from someone I am emotionally abusive towards. So there is no point in being emotionally abusive.

What would most likely happen is that I would just take her for granted. I should know, since that is what happened in the past when I was settling. The more stuff I was settling on, the more I was taking a woman for granted. Then "as a result" of my taking her for granted, things ended up not working out, and then I was upset as to why they don't work out.

But then again, I was just as angry at the women I rank highly when things didn't work out. So the whole issue of things not working out and me getting angry, that issue is universal with everyone. The only thing that changes is "the reason" things don't work out. If it is something I rate highly, then the reason is likely to be obsession about her. If it is someone I am settling on, then the reason is likely to be that I am taking her for granted. Different reasons, same outcome. At least thats what my past experience shows.

I actually read through your entire response to my post.

I will respond with a parable, which is actually a true story but which you should understand as a parable.

I have brother who lives in California and married a woman out there. Her family is very close and lives nearby, while he has no family within 3000 miles. Her family has effectively adopted him, regards him very highly and respects him.

His wife has a nephew who fell (?) several floors from a hotel balcony. He survived but was paralyzed from the neck down.

The boy's extended family, including my brother and sister in law, visited him as often as possible in the hospital. They maintained a positive outlook and tried to keep him positive and optimistic.

Unfortunately but perhaps understandably the nephew was very bitter about his circumstances. He would take out his bitterness on his family visitors. Relentlessly. They would visit, and he would respond to their kindnesses with disdain. They did their best to understand, but it became a chore to visit and be received by anger.

One day my brother visited the nephew alone. He told the young man that his family grieved for him, prayed for him, and maintained optimism. He told the nephew he knew well the suffering and burden of the young man. But he also told the nephew that if continued to take out his anger, frustration and bitterness against the people in the world who most love him, if he continued to push people away, they would accept the nephew's invitation and go away.

The young man realized that his troubles, no matter how severe, did not give him the right to be a sh-thead to people, even and especially his loved ones. He got right. Maybe because of that he made a full recovery.

That's my parable to you.