My Online Dating Guide for Men With Asperger's

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W12Ranger
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09 Dec 2022, 7:17 pm

Hi there,

I hope that you are all well. I am new to this forum.

A brief background on me:
I am a man from the UK who has an Asperger's diagnosis. I have been doing online dating for a while, although I have a girlfriend at the moment so I am not currently using it.

I have written this guide in the hope that I can help men with Asperger's navigate through online dating based on what I have learned. This list is by no means complete, but it is just a general outline. I generally prefer online dating as I find it very time management friendly, although I realise it is not for everyone.

Now one big question you might be asking yourself is whether you should state your diagnosis in your profile. I personally never do this as I am both experienced enough in dating to be comfortable with my abilities and I also do not think that it is necessary. The reason for this is I believe that this is something that you can discuss over the course of your relationship. This does also depend on how new you are to dating and I understand why you might want to be honest to potential dates regarding this, but I will leave you one question to consider: would you also list other diagnoses which you have such as asthma or diabetes on your profile?

Please note that although I wrote this article primarily for men (as I am one and this is what I have learned) women are more than welcome to read this and take note as many of this can be applied to your online dating strategy too. However please be aware that this was written with men in mind.

Rule One:
Post your best photos possible: The most important aspect of your online dating profile are your photos (not some great scenery or ones of your pets which do not even include you). People will want to know what you look like, not what your dog looks like (even if it is cute). Mastering the photos aspect of your dating profile is the most important in the dating profile equation and if you get this right then the rest should follow suit.

Your best bet is to have some professional photos taken where you look your absolute best. Try on different styles and different scenery and make sure that it encapsulates who you are and what you actually look like. Use my guide on maximising your physical appearance if you like.

Also ensure to maximise your physical appearance as best you can for your photos. I can send tips on what you can do for this, but this is essential. If people are interested I can also post what I did to make myself better looking.

What not to do for photos:
· Do not lie in your photos (or about anything in general on your profile). Ensure that your photos are an accurate representation of you, rather than some fancy creation of you. Ensure that your photos are recent (within the last year at least), that your facial hair is up to date (clean shaven, full beard or stubble), your hairstyle is up to date (or lack of), your style of clothing/vibe is accurate and that your current weight/body size is accurate. Most importantly do not use photoshop to create a better and more attractive bone structure of yourself or AirBrush your skin to make your skin look smoother and more youthful. If you turn up to the date looking like a completely different person not only are you going to waste your date’s and your own time and money, but it is also highly disrespectful to her/him. Not a good start to the date to say the least…
· No selfies (unless you are very good looking). Most men are terrible at taking selfies and they end up looking highly unflattering, not to mention it can potentially signal a lack of social status if all of your photos are selfies.
· Avoid group photos. You do not want your potential date to take a liking to your friend and find out it’s you (whom she didn’t initially find attractive).
· No blurry photos. It amazes me that this needs to be said but blurry photos are quite a common theme with dating pictures. Not only does it look bad, but it also looks lazy and like you couldn’t really care less.
· Wearing hats or sunglasses in all of your photos. Now in some photos these can certainly add a nice touch, particularly if they add an added fun layer to your persona. However, be aware that if you are wearing a hat in all of your photos many women might presume that you trying to hide the fact that you are bald/balding, a concept known as “hatfishing”. Now there is nothing wrong if you are going bald or are bald, but at least show this in your pictures. You do not want to turn up to the date only for her to be disappointed if she doesn’t in fact like bald guys, so if you’re bald then be honest as there are plenty of women who either don’t mind and in fact like the look. This goes for sunglasses as well; women will want to see your entire face (which includes the eyes believe it or not…), so if you are wearing sunglasses in all of your photos then they are likely to think that something is off and that you are hiding something. · Avoid trying to appear tough and intimidating. Try to smile without showing your teeth as this will indicate a friendly and relaxed vibe. You do not need to smile in all of your photos, but try it in a few at least. The best photos are those where you are looking away from the camera and not smiling, although do not do this for all of your photos.
· Avoid photos of your motorbike/car or hunting/fishing photos. Yes, these might be cool photos but remember you are trying to appeal to women here, not men. Sure, many women might enjoy these things but it is rather common for women to complain about men posting these types of photos on dating sites/apps.
· Pictures without you even in them. Yes, your cat or dog might be very cute, but people want to know what you look like not your pet. If you must have a picture of your pet or of a cool landscape then make sure that you are at least in it.

Best Types of Photos:
· Smiling photos where you are within a group, however make sure that it is clear that it is you so a potential date doesn’t take a liking to your friend instead.
· Professional photographs taken with a high level camera. These can be a real game changer and are a worthy investment.
· If you have a good physique then get a photo of you where it is socially acceptable to have your shirt off, such as at the pool or beach or playing a sport. Bathroom mirror selfies can look ridiculous, particularly past a certain age. Although if you are going for women aged 18-23 this isn’t as much of an issue.
· Have a photo taken of you doing an activity and having fun. This will help to show that you have an outgoing personality, have a social life, friends and can enjoy yourself.

Rule Two:
Be very discriminatory about swiping: The more you swipe right the more your algorithm/score will be affected, putting you to the back of the stack. A decent tip is to create your profile as best as you can on an app like Tinder or Bumble and then leave it for a day in order for your likes to be built up. This will help your score.
If you use up all of your likes within the first day you will also damage your score.
Side Note: If you delete your profile then try to either wait at least 90 days to set up your next account or do a complete reset where you get new photos, a new email and phone number.

Rule Three:
Do not post your strange obsessions or hobbies on your profile. There are plenty of forums or subreddits for you to join and to post about your obscure hobbies or obsessions to your heart's content, however Tinder isn't one of those places...

Rule Four:
Probably the most important rule: Do NOT think to yourself that just because you have Asperger's you can't succeed with online dating or dating in general. Dating with Asperger's can certainly be challenging, so do not add to the difficulty by giving yourself these limiting beliefs.

Bio:
The bio is also an important part of your profile, although not the most important. It is arguably more essential as to what you do not do write in this rather than what you do in your bio.
Bio Don’ts:
· List your political views. Avoid politics in general.
· List your star sign.
· Lie about anything, including your income, height, race, location, age, etc.
· Write about typical subjects which will appear to a man, i.e. avoid sports or cars if you can
· Complain about dating or women in general
· Complain about your ex
· Put general negative things, instead try and keep your profile positive and upbeat

Messaging:
It is unlikely that a girl will open you with a message first (unless on Bumble or if she finds you very attractive), so your opening message is going to have to standout. I won’t lie to you; women are already inundated with losers messaging looking to date them on both social media and dating apps which means that you will need to gain her attention rather than her just chalking you off as one of the other many no marks who have messaged her.

Examples of Good Messages:
· “Hey…, you seem interesting”. This can leave the girl wondering what you meant and it can lead to an interesting conversation. If she asks what you mean then you can refer to something you have seen on her profile or her choice of style, referring to a story that you have experienced. This was generally my go-to.
· Comment on something you have seen on her profile. Notably her style, pets, holidays or anything which catches your eye. Ask interesting questions regarding this and try to talk about something you have in common. For example if you notice that she has a picture of herself at a famous landmark you can say that you once visited (don’t lie) and ask what her favourite part of the trip was and whether she would go back.
· “So how are you different to the other girls on here?”
· Try and say their name in the first message. This will help to build a sense of familiarity.

Examples of Bad Messages:
· Complimenting her appearance: This is a terrible idea. As previously mentioned women already tend to get countless men complimenting her like this, why would you do the same? Also, this is completely unnecessary. If she is attractive then she will be fully aware of this and the fact that you are messaging her means that she can put two and two together, she isn’t stupid.
· Sending boring messages like “hi” or “hey”: Not much can be made from this, unless you are extremely good looking.

A good note is to send your first message when you can see that they are online. This means that your message is either at or near the top of their message list.

Getting the Date:
· Try to schedule a first date as soon as possible. Time is your nemesis on these apps so you do not want to waste too much time in messaging a particular woman, preferably within the first 10 exchanges. Do not “dilly dally”.
· Be confident in how you suggest the date. Say something like “we should meet up/hang out” rather than “would you like to meet up some time?”
· Enquire which days work for her and then work around it. Do not change your schedule to suit hers as this is very needy.
· Pinpoint places which are convenient for you both, for example if you live in north London and she lives in south London then meet in central London. Search for nice spots on Google if you do not know any or take her to cool places which you already know.
· Do not suggest isolated spots to meet or your place, meet her in places where there are other people
· Ask for her number or other contact details after setting and confirming the date.

Is Online Dating Becoming Harder for Men In General?

Short answer: YES! Although that does not mean that it is impossible, what it means is that you need to adapt in order to get successful dates. Hopefully however the tips I have outlined in this article and featured video will help you to boost your online dating profile.

Another very important note is to realise that you should not let your Asperger’s diagnosis define your dating life. It can absolutely be difficult and hard to grasp at times, that is undeniable, however do not subject yourself to limiting beliefs by believing that it is too much of an obstacle to overcome.

Of course everyone's situation is different and not all of these things will not apply for everyone, but these are some of the things which have proven golden for me during my time doing online dating.

I hope that this guide will help those who need it and are currently struggling with online dating.



Mona Pereth
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10 Dec 2022, 4:43 pm

I don't know how well this advice would work in general. Perhaps it works well as a way to attract most of those hetero or bi women who use the more popular dating apps, for all I know. But some aspects of it certainly wouldn't work well as a way to attract me, in particular, if I were ever to use a dating app, which I have never done and don't plan to. (I'm currently in my longest-lasting romantic relationship, in any case.)

Specifically:

W12Ranger wrote:
Rule Three:
Do not post your strange obsessions or hobbies on your profile.

One of the first things I want to know about prospective partners is whether they share any of my "strange obsessions or hobbies." If they do, that's a huge plus.

W12Ranger wrote:
Bio Don’ts:
· List your political views. Avoid politics in general.

Political views, especially on issues important to me, are one of the first things I want to know about a prospective partner also. Mentioning views I passionately share would attract me.

If I were ever to use a dating app, the only kind I'd ever even remotely consider using would be one that specifically encouraged people to list things like their unusual hobbies, their values (including political views), etc.

(And, if such apps exist, I would expect them to have a much less skewed male-to-female ratio than the kinds of apps your advice seems to be tailored for.)

Also, I wonder if the following is a meaning-changing typo, or something:

W12Ranger wrote:
Examples of Good Messages:
[...]
· “So how are you different to the other girls on here?”

Are you sure you meant to list this under "Examples of good messages"? It seems to me that, to some women at least, this suggested message could easily come across as a hostile, misogynistic challenge, as meaning something like "prove to me that you're not one of the dime-a-dozen ordinary bitchy women out there."


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W12Ranger
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11 Dec 2022, 7:59 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
I don't know how well this advice would work in general. Perhaps it works well as a way to attract most of those hetero or bi women who use the more popular dating apps, for all I know. But some aspects of it certainly wouldn't work well as a way to attract me, in particular, if I were ever to use a dating app, which I have never done and don't plan to. (I'm currently in my longest-lasting romantic relationship, in any case.)

Specifically:

W12Ranger wrote:
Rule Three:
Do not post your strange obsessions or hobbies on your profile.

One of the first things I want to know about prospective partners is whether they share any of my "strange obsessions or hobbies." If they do, that's a huge plus.

W12Ranger wrote:
Bio Don’ts:
· List your political views. Avoid politics in general.

Political views, especially on issues important to me, are one of the first things I want to know about a prospective partner also. Mentioning views I passionately share would attract me.

If I were ever to use a dating app, the only kind I'd ever even remotely consider using would be one that specifically encouraged people to list things like their unusual hobbies, their values (including political views), etc.

(And, if such apps exist, I would expect them to have a much less skewed male-to-female ratio than the kinds of apps your advice seems to be tailored for.)

Also, I wonder if the following is a meaning-changing typo, or something:

W12Ranger wrote:
Examples of Good Messages:
[...]
· “So how are you different to the other girls on here?”

Are you sure you meant to list this under "Examples of good messages"? It seems to me that, to some women at least, this suggested message could easily come across as a hostile, misogynistic challenge, as meaning something like "prove to me that you're not one of the dime-a-dozen ordinary bitchy women out there."

First of all congratulations on the relationship. I hope that it's long, happy and prosperous.

Of course this can't work for/on everyone as everyone has different tastes and wants different things, however these are the things that I learned over the last few years which have given me the best results I've had, at one point I was arranging upwards of 20 dates a month whereas prior they were rather seldom. Bear in mind though this was only after I became much better looking than before.

I can understand your point about political views, it probably won't matter if you're say a Democrat in Seattle or New York, but generally these things should well be a private matter I feel on dating apps and can be discussed further on down the road if ever. Online dating can be pretty brutal for most men and so it's best to cast a wider net and eliminate any potential banana skins in your profile. I understand it can also pose different challenges for women (ie harassment, creeps, etc.).

You can certainly put your hobbies on your profile, ie I have pics of me playing sports or travelling sometimes, however I wouldn't post my strange or otherwise obsessions (such as the 1987 FA Cup final for example or trainspotting. Trainspotting isn't strange but it's not really going to be appealing on Tinder...).

The message i listed is more tongue and cheek, but you'd need to be obvious you are joking and not serious. It's certainly not meant to be offensive and in fact I got it from a woman sending it to me once on an app (with the genders reverses ofc). People don't have to send it word for word, but they can use it as an example to go off of.



kraftiekortie
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11 Dec 2022, 8:54 am

I would never ask: “How are you different from the other girls?”

As Mona pointed out, it sounds like a challenge, and sounds like you’re sifting through “candidates” like a director does during a casting call.

I feel one of the best topics of discussion is your family and your background, and your past in general.

“Hey” or “Hi” is automatic grounds for ignoring a person. I also don’t like the short phraseology of many online conversations. I like to write like I talk.



W12Ranger
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11 Dec 2022, 9:33 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I would never ask: “How are you different from the other girls?”

As Mona pointed out, it sounds like a challenge, and sounds like you’re sifting through “candidates” like a director does during a casting call.

I feel one of the best topics of discussion is your family and your background, and your past in general.

“Hey” or “Hi” is automatic grounds for ignoring a person. I also don’t like the short phraseology of many online conversations. I like to write like I talk.

It does depend on how you frame it. If it's clearly a tongue in cheek kind of way then it can certainly work.

Potentially even send voice notes, I have found these pretty useful.

Generally it's best to arrange a date as soon as possible away from the app/site. You're on there to date, not for a pen pal.



Muse933277
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11 Dec 2022, 10:43 am

Online dating is trash for straight guys, unless you happen to be really good looking. Online dating for straight women is like shopping; you can literally say anything and guys will still want to go out with you in the doves.

This is the only guide you need for online dating.


Step 1: Be a woman or a gay guy.
Step 2: If you're a straight man, then you better be really good looking, or have very low standards.



W12Ranger
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11 Dec 2022, 10:52 am

Muse933277 wrote:
Online dating is trash for straight guys, unless you happen to be really good looking. Online dating for straight women is like shopping; you can literally say anything and guys will still want to go out with you in the doves.

This is the only guide you need for online dating.


Step 1: Be a woman or a gay guy.
Step 2: If you're a straight man, then you better be really good looking, or have very low standards.

You can make yourself better looking, I was semi deformed before and then I had certain things done. Once you've gotten that out of the way it becomes far easier.

I even suggested making yourself better looking as one of my first points as doing that and get good pictures is the most important thing.

It is difficult for most men, that's undeniable. That's why if it's not working for you then you need to do something about it.

However, if online dating isn't for you and you prefer in person them that's absolutely fine, do your thing. Online dating just tends to be more my thing so I wrote this in the hope it would help those struggling.



JimJohn
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11 Dec 2022, 7:11 pm

I thought your guide was really good. If you aren’t a professional writer I think you should be. I realize everyone has an equal opinion and mine is nothing special. I wish I could write something like that. It is like you are following the proven formula that authors use and didn’t stray from it.



W12Ranger
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11 Dec 2022, 7:20 pm

JimJohn wrote:
I thought your guide was really good. If you aren’t a professional writer I think you should be. I realize everyone has an equal opinion and mine is nothing special. I wish I could write something like that. It is like you are following the proven formula that authors use and didn’t stray from it.

Thank you very much, I appreciate that.

I just wanted to show those that this kind of thing can be done and I thought that this could be useful to many who struggle in this area or other areas. I don't have all of the answers of course, but this certainly worked very well for me and others who I helped.

I have also set up a YouTube channel covering a few more topics aimed at men with Asperger's if you are interested.



JimJohn
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11 Dec 2022, 8:20 pm

I watch YouTube.



SportsGamer35728
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12 Dec 2022, 11:31 am

What about group photos with famous people if your trying to appeal to women who are fans of them?



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12 Dec 2022, 2:39 pm

^ Yes. I'd totally date a guy who took a photo with Deadpool.


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rse92
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12 Dec 2022, 4:30 pm

YMMV.



W12Ranger
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12 Dec 2022, 5:14 pm

SportsGamer35728 wrote:
What about group photos with famous people if your trying to appeal to women who are fans of them?

Sure, I guess that could work.

As long as you don't look comparatively awful next to them!



W12Ranger
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12 Dec 2022, 5:16 pm

rse92 wrote:
YMMV.

Yes, everyone has a different experience. That's why I recommend maximising your physical appearance first before doing this. It all becomes far, far easier then.

I wasn't very good looking prior for example.



W12Ranger
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12 Dec 2022, 5:17 pm

SportsGamer35728 wrote:
What about group photos with famous people if your trying to appeal to women who are fans of them?

So would I tbf...