Man sues woman for friendzoning him

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cyberdad
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08 Feb 2023, 9:02 pm

Joe90 wrote:
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The power of hormones when you are in your 20s is a massive driver when the prospect of sex is dangled in front of you. Males in the 20s don't have particularly well developed executive decision control and it doesn't take much to get us hooked into a relationship that is destined to go nowhere.


I'm a female but I was sexually driven by hormones and I'd get obsessed with men and keep flirting with them. I understood and knew all the signs that they didn't want a relationship, but because I was obsessed, I consciously ignored those signs and carried on flirting, which they did like.
I feel lucky being a woman because if we get overly obsessed with a man and hang around them a lot and want their attention, it may be annoying for the man but it isn't seen as creepy.
When I was 19 I had a sexual crush on my bus driver, and I'd wait for him to draw up in his bus at a particular time every day in the bus station just so I can chat (and flirt) with him while he was on his 10-minute break. The regular passengers used to joke and say "your wife is waiting!" I loved it when they said that.
But if I was a man pestering a woman the same way, some might see it as "pervert", and might even call the police, even if the woman didn't mind. But people would still likely be concerned, even if the man was younger.

Life sucks for men when it comes to finding a date.


Good points. I find it helpful hearing the female perspective on this issue.



IsabellaLinton
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08 Feb 2023, 9:03 pm

Recidivist wrote:
Friends with benefits is best.


We need a love button.



TwilightPrincess
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08 Feb 2023, 9:06 pm

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:

There's only one friend in my life I'd shag and I think they know it but it's not an option anyway.
There's no mindfuckkery as far as I know.


I think in my mind, even if deep down there was unlikely to be a long term relationship (although my 20 something brain said "do it" anyway) I thought at least she would have sex with me at some point.


So you primarily wanted sex from the relationship and were upset when that didn’t happen?

I had a situation like this in my 20’s, but I wanted to marry the guy. It was a complicated mess, honestly. He kept on stringing me along when there was no hope.


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cyberdad
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08 Feb 2023, 9:08 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
He won’t win the suit.

Sorry the guy feels hurt…..but it’s part of life. I’ve been friendzoned many times. I’ve been hurt. But I moved on.


I think its possible for some men not to move on and carry specific views about women based on 1-2 bad experiences. People miss that the emotional reaction of being freindzoned (especially multiple times) is the feeling of humiliation. There is also FOMO or fear of missing out.

What broke it for me was when the friendzone girl shagged a fat dude with a bad attitude because he drove a sportscar which he gave her a ride. My 20 something brain couldn't process why she would reward some fat ugly guy after meeting him once when I had invested years with her. At the time It kind of broke my heart. Of course I know better in hindsight.



Last edited by cyberdad on 08 Feb 2023, 9:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cyberdad
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08 Feb 2023, 9:10 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
So you primarily wanted sex from the relationship and were upset when that didn’t happen?.


I wanted to date/marry her. I thought sex was a normal part of a steady relationship



IsabellaLinton
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08 Feb 2023, 9:14 pm

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
So men in their 20s need to accept this and factor it into their relationships to make sure no one gets hurt.
.


I would argue many men are ill-equipped to deal with this and are too shy to ask anyone for help.


That may be true, but it doesn't mean the other party should get hurt because of their poor self-awareness.

It's like "ignorance of the law is no defence".

I'm not hating on young men or anyone, just responding to the topic.

As for what Joe said and the female perspective, I'm totally clueless about crushes.

I've had many. I can safely say I haven't gone a day in my life since puberty without having a raging crush on someone whether they were a movie star, a friend, an actual boyfriend, or some random dude I knew from a distance. Most of them were short-lived but I've had a few that lasted years.

I have NO IDEA how to flirt in real life in terms of body language because I don't even know how to make "normal" body language or facial expressions. I'm as subtle as a brick in that department. I'm sure I've done flirty-ish things without realising it but it's not like I have a rolodex of appropriate mating gestures stored in the back of my brain. Chances are I just act goofy or get a little more animated than my usual deadpan demure presentation, but I'm not sure because again ... I don't and can't really control it.

Reading signals coming back to me? I'm clueless. I've had people tell me that Person X was crazy about me years before and I never had a clue unless they made obvious gestures. Maybe it's because I barely make eye contact so I don't catch little changes in expression. That even happened with some online friends where I got to rely on words and writing instead of body language. I interpret everything as jokes and friendship, even when they might be sincere.

I wish people would come out and say it if they like people but I know that's not how the game is played. I feel sorry for men who have to make that judgment call of whether or not to make something real between friends and risk losing their female friend, or hitting on a stranger. I'd be freaking awful at that.



cyberdad
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08 Feb 2023, 9:28 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I wish people would come out and say it if they like people but I know that's not how the game is played. I feel sorry for men who have to make that judgment call of whether or not to make something real between friends and risk losing their female friend, or hitting on a stranger. I'd be freaking awful at that.

If I was to list wetting my pants while public speaking, going to job interview and being brutally rejected and getting ignored by a girl despite giving her everything....the third would leave with me with the most trauma

Why? because it means the girl does not value me, Being loved is one thing but closely linked to this is being valued. If people don't value me as a human being with feelings, wants and desire then not only does it deflate my self-esteem but it devalues my own worth in my eyes.



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08 Feb 2023, 9:30 pm

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
I wish people would come out and say it if they like people but I know that's not how the game is played. I feel sorry for men who have to make that judgment call of whether or not to make something real between friends and risk losing their female friend, or hitting on a stranger. I'd be freaking awful at that.

If I was to list wetting my pants while public speaking, going to job interview and being brutally rejected and getting ignored by a girl despite giving her everything....the third would leave with me with the most trauma

Why? because it means the girl does not value me, Being loved is one thing but closely linked to this is being valued.


People shouldn’t base their self-worth off of other people’s behavior.


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cyberdad
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08 Feb 2023, 9:31 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
People shouldn’t base their self-worth off of other people’s behavior.


But we do...and young people are even more vulnerable



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08 Feb 2023, 9:32 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
People shouldn’t base their self-worth off of other people’s behavior.


But we do...and young people are even more vulnerable


That is something that they need to work on continuously because you can’t control other people’s behavior.


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IsabellaLinton
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08 Feb 2023, 9:37 pm

^^^^

I get that. I wish men realised that friendzone doesn't mean we don't "value" someone. It doesn't even mean we aren't attracted to you. I've been attracted to lots of guys, usually my older brother's friends, but it would have been weird to get with them in case we broke up. Plus of course I had no clue they liked me (I've found out since that some did - and one is amazing -- I'll add for the record that he's shorter than me too.)

If someone doesn't feel valued because they're considered a friend I think we really have to look at what friendship means. Maybe I'm different than most women but I consider my male friends more dear to me than most of my partners even during relationships. Friendship to me is a permanent commitment and I'm very loyal to my friends. I'd kill for them and they know it. I'm not saying I'm not loyal to boyfriends but that's different somehow. There's always an understanding (expectation, even), that romantic relationships can end, and that the two people might have a horrible breakup or breach of trust. I trust my friends so completely I'm in it for the long haul with them. Expiry dates don't even cross my mind.

If I was going to be a man in my own life, I'd be really honoured to be considered one of Issy's friends. :P



cyberdad
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08 Feb 2023, 9:48 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
^^^^

I get that. I wish men realised that friendzone doesn't mean we don't "value" someone. It doesn't even mean we aren't attracted to you. I've been attracted to lots of guys, usually my older brother's friends, but it would have been weird to get with them in case we broke up. Plus of course I had no clue they liked me (I've found out since that some did - and one is amazing -- I'll add for the record that he's shorter than me too.)

If someone doesn't feel valued because they're considered a friend I think we really have to look at what friendship means. Maybe I'm different than most women but I consider my male friends more dear to me than most of my partners even during relationships. Friendship to me is a permanent commitment and I'm very loyal to my friends. I'd kill for them and they know it. I'm not saying I'm not loyal to boyfriends but that's different somehow. There's always an understanding (expectation, even), that romantic relationships can end, and that the two people might have a horrible breakup or breach of trust. I trust my friends so completely I'm in it for the long haul with them. Expiry dates don't even cross my mind.

If I was going to be a man in my own life, I'd be really honoured to be considered one of Issy's friends. :P
'

In the guise of my 20+ year old cis-straight male brain it was easy for me to come to the conclusion that my friendship was only to serve some ulterior purpose. Like some charity case. I was not able to decipher/decode her intentions. I thought if I was too direct I would come across as rude/demanding.



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08 Feb 2023, 10:03 pm

I can see that too, and thanks for being honest. Looking back my 20-year old self didn't have the same level of commitment to male (any) friends that I have now, not because I was superficial but because I hadn't learned how important friendship can be. That's partly from my ASD and not really having friends in the first place, but also my general lack of experience with trust at that age.

How do you think we can help young men with this?

My son has lots of female friends (and male), and always has. He's travelled around the world for their weddings and to visit them as a friend. He's fiercely protective of them as women (against violence etc.), but also values them as his intellectual and everyday-equals. I guess I was lucky in that regard. I should ask him one day if he was ever friendzoned by someone he really liked. Actually I remember one when he was about 12. It was Valentine's Day and he made her a gift to take to school but classes were cancelled because of a huge snowstorm. We never had snow days here so it was really shocking and upsetting for him. He ended up carrying the valentine to her house. He never dated her so I'm not sure what happened with that. Good question. He's never had trouble dating although he's had his heart broken a few times and thought he'd never recover.

Longterm GF 1) He walked in and found her in bed with another guy (at school).

Longterm GF 2) He took buses and trains five hours to go back and beg on her doorstep. It didn't happen.

Both times he thought he'd never recover but he did and his current partner is amazing (3.5 years).

I'm rambling. How can we help young men, or how can you help young women like your daughter to navigate friendships with guys, or even female friends who might be interested in her?



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08 Feb 2023, 10:05 pm

I don’t think it’s a young man issue. It can happen to people of either gender.


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08 Feb 2023, 10:13 pm

cyberdad wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
He won’t win the suit.

Sorry the guy feels hurt…..but it’s part of life. I’ve been friendzoned many times. I’ve been hurt. But I moved on.


I think its possible for some men not to move on and carry specific views about women based on 1-2 bad experiences. People miss that the emotional reaction of being freindzoned (especially multiple times) is the feeling of humiliation. There is also FOMO or fear of missing out.

What broke it for me was when the friendzone girl shagged a fat dude with a bad attitude because he drove a sportscar which he gave her a ride. My 20 something brain couldn't process why she would reward some fat ugly guy after meeting him once when I had invested years with her. At the time It kind of broke my heart. Of course I know better in hindsight.


Women make the same mistake sometimes.
Some guy screws them around or hurts them, and they decide to hate all men carry specific views.

I think the answer might have something to do with teaching people how to deal with emotions.
Young men who are embarrassed / rejected / hurt like that need to know how to be upset constructively.
They need to know it will pass and that it's not a reflection on them.
Even more so, they need support so they don't start generalising against all young women.

The same is true in reverse for women not developing a bias against men.



cyberdad
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08 Feb 2023, 10:24 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
how can you help young women like your daughter to navigate friendships with guys, or even female friends who might be interested in her?


I am woefully inadequate to explain anything remotely relationship related with her. I leave that to my wife.