Knowing when and if to stop a relationship.

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Readydaer
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27 Mar 2023, 8:29 am

Call me Lennon, because I need help. (trigger warning for self harm)


So 8 days ago I met this girl online through a Discord server focused on an anime/manga we both like. She seemed interesting from her messages and friendly, so I told her so with a PM. She was receptive and I made some recommendations to her, and on a whim I added what i would call an ambiguously gay heart when she said she'd check them out. She was also receptive to that, and I decided to flirt with her a bit. She was extremely receptive, and in 2 hours and 8 minutes I had a girlfriend.

She was aware that I am autistic and I that she had borderline personality disorder and adhd. The first 2 or so days were nice and loving, and it went so nicely that she confessed her love for me quickly. I'm no stranger to relationships moving quickly, but I was nonetheless caught a little off guard, but still reciprocated. I was and am sure it wasn't a grooming situation partly because I instigated and partly because she was too vulnerable to do things like that, among her words and actions.

Speaking of actions, I learned quickly that she was a cutter. She had a breakdown and I helped her through it as best as I could, being supportive, kind, and forgiving, but she still ended up doing it. I got her through that as well. From then on I told her every day to tell me how she felt on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being 'i want to kill myself right now,' and 10 being 'this is the greatest day of my life,' and help her through the day. The highest it got was 4, and the lowest 1.9. She's been either physically or mentally sick all the rest of the days, with brief periods of the girl I started dating showing through.

At first I didn't mind comforting her because it was kind of my job as a girlfriend, but I'm getting tired. Call me pathetic, but we thought each other was the one, yet now I'm not sure I can be strong for her forever. Constantly worrying about her is taking a toll on my mental health, and I just want her to be happy. We made promises to each other, and I take those very seriously. Promises like staying together forever. You'll probably think I'm a fool, and I wouldn't blame you. I know I couldn't expect a relationship with no bumps, but I don't know if I can handle this forever. I want her to get better. It's frustrating when she hates herself and I tell her all the reasons she shouldn't but she ignores them. I calmed her down through a panic attack and it didn't make her feel better at all.

Relationships are supposed to be give and take, but I feel like I'm almost always giving. She really does love me and I think I feel the same way, and I'm terrified that if I break up with her and break all our promises, she might cut, or worse, if you know what I mean, and I really don't need that guilt on my back. I'm not sure this is healthy for me, but I can't just leave her. I'm at a loss. I don't want to lose someone again, but she's frustrating me so much. What's it all for? Is this worth my time? She really helped me with my depression, and I don't want to go back to that hole.

Please give me advice, WP.


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Muse933277
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27 Mar 2023, 9:38 am

Have you even video called this woman before? Because how are you going to verify that she's real and not some catfish/scammer that's trying to take advantage of you? You should NEVER get into a relationship with someone who refuses to video call because if they're a catfish, it's going to be obvious why they would never want to call you.

Secondly, not to shame you or anything but you only knew her for 2 hours and you barely even know anything about her. Yet you've already decided that you two should be boyfriend and girlfriend, and that she's "the one". What this tells me about you is that you're probably more of a feeler than a thinker. You make decisions based on emotions and how you feel at the time rather than rationally thinking it over and deciding whether or not it's a good idea. People who think like you are vulnerable to being manipulated and taken advantage of. Because if you "fall in love" with someone within a day, well what's stopping them from pretending to be nice and charming because they know you'll be head over heels for them so easily?


It's time you think more with your head rather than your hormones. Otherwise, you're going to make very rash decisions that are ultimately not a good idea such as getting married within 3 months of knowing someone or moving in together with someone after only a month of knowing them, or playing bull poker. Don't ever play bull poker...



DanielW
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27 Mar 2023, 9:50 am

An 8 day online acquaintance is way too soon for anyone to try to provide this level of emotional support to a relative stranger. S-L-O-W down at least. I can't imagine a healthy scenario where this level of emotional enmeshment is healthy for either of you.

Its a time to get to know one another sure, but you should not be taking the responsibility for this person's mental health. That's not anyone's job but theirs to deal with.

Staying in a relationship out of fear the other will hurt themselves or someone else isn't LOVE (its the opposite in fact) its emotional blackmail, and noting to build any kind of relationship on.

When and if this person self harms, the best thing you can do is urge them to seek professional help...beyond that its up to them.

This person may be all kinds of great things, but they need to get themselves to an emotionally stable state before they will be ready to date. It makes sense that they TAKE more than they give right now. Their NEED must be enormous, but that's not something you can fill for them - however much you might want to.



Readydaer
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27 Mar 2023, 10:01 am

Muse933277 wrote:
Have you even video called this woman before? Because how are you going to verify that she's real and not some catfish/scammer that's trying to take advantage of you? You should NEVER get into a relationship with someone who refuses to video call because if they're a catfish, it's going to be obvious why they would never want to call you.

Secondly, not to shame you or anything but you only knew her for 2 hours and you barely even know anything about her. Yet you've already decided that you two should be boyfriend and girlfriend, and that she's "the one". What this tells me about you is that you're probably more of a feeler than a thinker. You make decisions based on emotions and how you feel at the time rather than rationally thinking it over and deciding whether or not it's a good idea. People who think like you are vulnerable to being manipulated and taken advantage of. Because if you "fall in love" with someone within a day, well what's stopping them from pretending to be nice and charming because they know you'll be head over heels for them so easily?


It's time you think more with your head rather than your hormones. Otherwise, you're going to make very rash decisions that are ultimately not a good idea such as getting married within 3 months of knowing someone or moving in together with someone after only a month of knowing them, or playing bull poker. Don't ever play bull poker...



1. *girlfriend and girlfriend. I'm a woman too.
2. face trades and an image search confirmed the not-scamness. I already kind of went over that.
3. I did not decide she was 'the one' within the day. And anyways, the entire point is that I'm not sure.
4. I personally think of myself as a thinker more than a feeler, so I disagree. I was fully aware of the unconventionality of a relationship moving so quickly, but that does not necessarily have to be a bad thing. I think of myself often as a machine, to the point where I actually genuinely relate to robots and artificial intelligences in fiction.
5. 'acting nice and charming' I already went over how vulnerable she is, and she doesn't ask for anything. In fact, I'm the one who offers comfort and advice.
6. how could they possibly know I'd be head over heels for them if they didn't know me beforehand? And besides, I'm typically not one to confess love so soon. These kinds of things take a lot of mulling over from me.


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Last edited by Readydaer on 27 Mar 2023, 10:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

Readydaer
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27 Mar 2023, 10:04 am

DanielW wrote:
An 8 day online acquaintance is way too soon for anyone to try to provide this level of emotional support to a relative stranger. S-L-O-W down at least. I can't imagine a healthy scenario where this level of emotional enmeshment is healthy for either of you.

Its a time to get to know one another sure, but you should not be taking the responsibility for this person's mental health. That's not anyone's job but theirs to deal with.

Staying in a relationship out of fear the other will hurt themselves or someone else isn't LOVE (its the opposite in fact) its emotional blackmail, and noting to build any kind of relationship on.

When and if this person self harms, the best thing you can do is urge them to seek professional help...beyond that its up to them.

This person may be all kinds of great things, but they need to get themselves to an emotionally stable state before they will be ready to date. It makes sense that they TAKE more than they give right now. Their NEED must be enormous, but that's not something you can fill for them - however much you might want to.


I understand. It isn't intentional emotional blackmail, but I still see what you mean. Thank you for the advice.


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rse92
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27 Mar 2023, 10:17 am

You also said "I was and am sure it wasn't a grooming situation partly because I instigated and partly because she was too vulnerable to do things like that, among her words and actions." Are you 17 or younger?

I agree with those here telling you to step back and take a realistic look at this "relationship".



Readydaer
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27 Mar 2023, 10:29 am

rse92 wrote:
You also said "I was and am sure it wasn't a grooming situation partly because I instigated and partly because she was too vulnerable to do things like that, among her words and actions." Are you 17 or younger?

I agree with those here telling you to step back and take a realistic look at this "relationship".


not comfortable sharing my age, and I meant it in a general sense. It wasn't quite the right word now that I think about it, perhaps manipulation.

I will do so and I appreciate your input.


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Muse933277
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27 Mar 2023, 10:55 am

Ok, let's just say this person is real and this relationship stands the test of time. Is it realistic for you two to meet up in person and even live together without any major barriers? Because depending on where you and your partner live, being together may be easy or very difficult.

For example, let's just say you're an American in a relationship with a Filipina. For one thing, Filipinas can't just go hop on a plane and come visit you in America so living with them (assuming you wish to live in the USA) is going to be a large barrier.

Are you or your partner willing to move to be with the other person? That's another thing you have to take into consideration. If neither of you are willing to move in order to be together, then this relationship will never go anywhere.


Finally, how often can you two realistically visit one another in person? Again, if you and your partner live on the other side of the globe and there's VISA restrictions in place, then you may only be able to see each other once a year, once every two years. Is it really worth it in that case? On the other hand, if you live within driving distance to one another, you can visit each other a lot more often.


I think these are all questions you should really take into consideration before deciding whether or not a long distance relationship is worth it in your case.



The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Mar 2023, 1:34 pm

At her current state, she needs a therapist and not a girlfriend.



DanielW
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27 Mar 2023, 2:20 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
At her current state, she needs a therapist and not a girlfriend.


^^^THIS^^^

(and therapy isn't the OP's job here)



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27 Mar 2023, 11:06 pm

DanielW wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
At her current state, she needs a therapist and not a girlfriend.


^^^THIS^^^

(and therapy isn't the OP's job here)


Yes, and if she's in this sort of a state, she's still going to be there after she's had a chance to properly address what's going on. If she's not, then you've both dodged a bullet.

I realize that it cam be easy to forget sometimes that having one diagnosis or another doesn't mean you can't have happiness or that you have to settle for somebody that's not going to be good for you.



Readydaer
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28 Mar 2023, 6:57 am

Thank you everyone for the help.


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28 Mar 2023, 9:22 am

You said she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is showing classic BPD signs, including fastly advancing the relationship. Things in the relationship won't change unless she gets therapy for the BPD. Read up on the disorder some if you aren't familiar with it.

Expect lots of manipulation on her part when you try to end the relationship, including threats of suicide



Readydaer
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28 Mar 2023, 9:29 am

ProfessorJohn wrote:
You said she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is showing classic BPD signs, including fastly advancing the relationship. Things in the relationship won't change unless she gets therapy for the BPD. Read up on the disorder some if you aren't familiar with it.

Expect lots of manipulation on her part when you try to end the relationship, including threats of suicide


i'll remain wary. I'm thinking of not ending it per se but more taking a break/slowing it down a ton.


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ProfessorJohn
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28 Mar 2023, 7:20 pm

That is very hard for BPD individuals to do. They almost always experience relationships very intensely from the beginning.



Readydaer
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28 Mar 2023, 9:18 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:
That is very hard for BPD individuals to do. They almost always experience relationships very intensely from the beginning.


then, should i become a promise-breaker and break up with her?


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