How to avoid Dating a Narcissist

Page 10 of 10 [ 160 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 6, 7, 8, 9, 10


Have you ever dated a Narcissist as an Aspie?
Poll ended at 29 Aug 2022, 3:16 pm
Yes 33%  33%  [ 5 ]
No 47%  47%  [ 7 ]
Possibly 20%  20%  [ 3 ]
Total votes : 15

DazyDaisy
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 1 Feb 2024
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 230
Location: Belgrade, Serbia

06 Feb 2024, 3:25 am

funeralxempire wrote:
DazyDaisy wrote:
Watch if they always present themselves as victims, if they speak nasty about their ex or friends...


This is a good one.
In particular if they're constantly accusing the people around them of being narcissists or behaving in ways consistent with narcissism.

If (from their perspective) everyone is constantly being petty, selfish and unfair, there's a good chance the problem is the perspective, not the other people's behaviour. This (as near as I can tell) seems to be a failure of ToM and is a common shared trait of people who might be narcissistic, a lot of people with ASD and children. It usually seems to boil down to not being able to or not wanting to consider why someone else had to take priority over themselves.

That's not to suggest that people like that will never have valid reasons to complain about how others have treated them, it's mostly a matter of how often those reasons emerge. If someone is constantly being wronged, it's worth considering that they might be considering far too many interactions to have been slights.


Thank you for your answer. I don't know if it my wrong perception or being paranoid but I have impression that you have been reading my posts and that you are making slight allusions that I might be narcissistic? Believe it or not I've been asking this myself eversince I realized I've been raised by a narcissist.
All I know is that I never complain to other people about things I write on this forum. I am usually a listener, can listen people for hours talking about themselves. I am also a classic people pleaser, thinking that it is my responsibility to always help them and make them feel better. And then as CPTSD and autism emerged as another ones of my possible diagnoses I became really anxious and started panicking about what is wrong with me and why I have troubled relationship with people I get close to. I haven't been like this my whole life, but as of from my mid thirties, that's when I noticed I became easily irritable, started having my anxieties and that my nerves can't tolerate anymore nothing that looks like stress and negativity.

I am aware that I might appear I put all people in the same basket, I don't. I know they have their own struggles, here where I leave, life has always been difficult, many wars, repressions, the whole society transition from extreme powerty even slavery, over communism, brain washing, to liberal capitalism, corruption, violence. Many people really lost their track in an attempt to transit from powerty to what is called rich life. It really all became about having interest, about consumerism, that also took toll on their psyche and the way they operate. Especially people who live in big citties ( we don't have many) and that's why I consider to relocate even to a small village, I find myself much more relaxed among simple people and being closer to nature.

But being raised by a narcissist probably gave me also some narcissistic traits, also. And I would be devastated if it appears that I'm full narcissist, but please let me know if you think so. At least I would know where to start from and to look for help. Finding out that my family was troubled, that my sister was a narcissist, our mother who parentified her, our father being an Asperger, realizing that I suffer from CPTSD, than possible autism, possible narcissism, not knowing what the hell is wrong with me, it all came last year one after another in a short time, making me really worried and confused. Maybe that's why I sound dramatic but I'm really looking how to improve myself to be truly funcional and having healthier relationships.

The best of all, sorry if you didn't imply all of this and that I made it all about myself. Then I really have a very serious reason to worry what is wrong with me.


_________________
Someone wrote in their signature English is not their first language. Same here.


funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 26,074
Location: Right over your left shoulder

06 Feb 2024, 1:10 pm

DazyDaisy wrote:

Thank you for your answer. I don't know if it my wrong perception or being paranoid but I have impression that you have been reading my posts and that you are making slight allusions that I might be narcissistic? Believe it or not I've been asking this myself eversince I realized I've been raised by a narcissist.


I'm not one for slight allusion, I tend to stumble past allusions into direct accusation.

I'm not familiar enough with your posts, nor have you said anything (that I've noticed) that would be a red flag for me.

Knowing only what you've mentioned here, it might be worth considering but so far I haven't seen anything to indicate it. That said, it's aligned with what I've observed and believe to be true (that there's shared similarities between the two that can make people with ASD appear narcissistic as well as be less likely to recognize the need to/benefits of modifying those behaviours).


_________________
“Anyone who wants to thwart the establishment of a Palestinian state has to support bolstering Hamas and transferring money to Hamas, this is part of our strategy” —Netanyahu
戦争ではなく戦争と戦う
GOP Predators


DazyDaisy
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 1 Feb 2024
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 230
Location: Belgrade, Serbia

06 Feb 2024, 2:28 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
DazyDaisy wrote:

Thank you for your answer. I don't know if it my wrong perception or being paranoid but I have impression that you have been reading my posts and that you are making slight allusions that I might be narcissistic? Believe it or not I've been asking this myself eversince I realized I've been raised by a narcissist.


I'm not one for slight allusion, I tend to stumble past allusions into direct accusation.

I'm not familiar enough with your posts, nor have you said anything (that I've noticed) that would be a red flag for me.

Knowing only what you've mentioned here, it might be worth considering but so far I haven't seen anything to indicate it. That said, it's aligned with what I've observed and believe to be true (that there's shared similarities between the two that can make people with ASD appear narcissistic as well as be less likely to recognize the need to/benefits of modifying those behaviours).



Thanks a lot, I've been waiting for your answer anxiously. I took some time to read your posts and it seems to me that you are very objective observer and that you are getting right to the point in whatever you analize, and I also noticed that you have very finely tuned sense for justice and ethics. So I value your opinion very much.

My English is still not that good but I guess that your answer should more than not make me releaved a little bit.

Anyway, thanks once again, I appreciate you took a time to answer.


_________________
Someone wrote in their signature English is not their first language. Same here.


TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,891
Location: Hell

07 Feb 2024, 1:38 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
I'd also pay attention to what exactly sets them off, if everything is a mountain despite sounding like a mole-hill, that would be a further sign (for me).
One person’s mountain is another person’s molehill. Trauma triggers can play a role as well. Being triggered, even by something seemingly minor, is not always something that someone with (C)PTSD can control, just like a manic episode is not always something that someone with bipolar can control. “Triggered” is another word that is WAY overused in popular culture.


_________________
"Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamias rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours et toujours leur donner des explications." - Le Petit Prince


blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 15,920
Location: United Kingdom

07 Feb 2024, 5:11 pm

DazyDaisy wrote:
I used to attract them as a magnet but finally now I think I have developed radars for them. I can sense them in time, sometimes even before getting engaged with them, at all.

Watch if your date is overly friendly, charming and if she/he is pushing you too fast into anything that is not your rythm or anything that you don't want. Also check if they respect your boundaries and you must have them. Watch if they always present themselves as victims, if they speak nasty about their ex or friends, if they gossip, if they are oportunists. If they make you feel bad about yourself, if they start to control you. These are all red flags.

One major red flag is if they say they love you shortly after starting dateing or if they want to marry you that fast.


I am always weary when people present themselves as victims, whilst simultaneously exhibiting abusive behaviours.

Even more weary when those people gossip maliciously behind one's back.



babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 65,914
Location: UK

07 Feb 2024, 5:14 pm

I'm wary of people who claim to be empaths.


_________________
We have existence


blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 15,920
Location: United Kingdom

07 Feb 2024, 5:20 pm

babybird wrote:
I'm wary of people who claim to be empaths.


There are different types of empathy, aren't there?

Cognitive empathy can be achieved by anyone who can estimate how another person feels.

Affective empathy is when people actually feel the emotions of others.

Normally people who say they are empaths mean the latter in my experience. But whether their claim is true is another thing.



babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 65,914
Location: UK

07 Feb 2024, 5:24 pm

Yeah I mean like people who go overboard with it.

If someone can show me that the understand how I feel and it's a natural human reaction then I'm fine with that and I get that that is empathy but there are some people (a very small number of people) who like to go ott with it.

There's just something really off with that that I just can't trust.


_________________
We have existence


blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 15,920
Location: United Kingdom

12 Mar 2024, 7:24 am

babybird wrote:
Yeah I mean like people who go overboard with it.

If someone can show me that the understand how I feel and it's a natural human reaction then I'm fine with that and I get that that is empathy but there are some people (a very small number of people) who like to go ott with it.

There's just something really off with that that I just can't trust.


Fair enough.



Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,169

21 Mar 2024, 10:42 am

I saw some role plays online and a few things to look for

1. If they seem to start playing the victim but also bragging about how special they are
2. They ask for personal information too quickly.
3. If they seem to love bomb you

Here is some more:
https://dearmedia.com/how-to-spot-a-nar ... ationship/


Beware of triangulation:
Another thing to look for is when someone makes it sound like they are into you. Then the next thing you know, they turn around and choose someone else over you. Then after that, you find that you are fighting over this person.

This happened to me back when I was 26 when someone who had an ASD turned out to also be a narc. He spent an entire month acting like he was into me by flirting. Then during the next time when we got together, he spent the evening ignoring me and flirting with my friend. While I won't get into the details, he did things that provoked me to jealousy. After that, he did other things, like telling us that he didn't have feelings for either of us. He also had the nerve to compare me to this other person. "Well, she's more calm than you are. You always get on my nerves and you are too hyper."



knowingtheautist
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 70
Location: Canada

06 Apr 2024, 9:07 pm

Here's a poem that offers some advice on how to avoid dating a narcissist. Please share this:

Beware the charm that glows too bright,
A mask that hides the darkness, out of sight.
For in the mirror of their adoration, you'll find,
Reflections of a soul, self-centered and blind.

Listen keenly to their tales of grandeur,
But heed the whispers of doubt that linger.
For narcissists weave stories, oh so grand,
To cloak their insecurities, they can't withstand.

Observe how they treat those around,
Do they lift them up, or tear them down?
Kindness and empathy, virtues rare,
Narcissists lack, it's their despair.

Don't be swayed by flattery's sway,
For beneath lies manipulation's play.
They'll praise you high, then bring you low,
A rollercoaster ride, to nowhere you'll go.

Trust your instincts, they seldom lie,
If something feels off, don't deny.
For in the dance of love, let wisdom lead,
To a partner who values, not just their own need.

So if you seek love, pure and true,
Guard your heart from the narcissist's view.
For in the end, it's self-love you'll find,
The greatest protection, for your peace of mind.


_________________
Thank you for following my Aspie Discovery red diamond icon and keep reading on as I will be posting more...


BillyTree
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2023
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 527

07 Apr 2024, 3:25 am

A well written poem. Who wrote it?


_________________
English is not my first language.


knowingtheautist
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 70
Location: Canada

07 Apr 2024, 6:21 pm

I used an AI tool called ChatGPT. Thanks for asking.


_________________
Thank you for following my Aspie Discovery red diamond icon and keep reading on as I will be posting more...


BillyTree
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2023
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 527

11 Apr 2024, 8:04 pm

Impressive!


_________________
English is not my first language.


Charlemania
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jan 2024
Age: 67
Gender: Female
Posts: 177
Location: Cleveland Ohio

11 Apr 2024, 10:02 pm

Just call me. If I think they are hot, drop and run! :D


I was raised by narcs and all my serious relationships have been with narcs.

I have learned a lot about them over the years, but knowledge isn't cure.

I haven't dated since my last narc left (2019), and that was decades of hell.

I was hoping I was beyond whatever trauma bond /narcophilia has plagued my romantic life, but I fell into a thing with a very extreme narc while playing Evony in 2023.

(And yeah, he's hot and 30--and yeah, that's 37 years younger than me. And yeah...)

I stopped playing last November. I was relieved to be away from him, but still missed him.

He popped up on my Line app this past week, and I'm not answering. But also sad about it.

Still messed in the head.


_________________
In destinies sad or merry, true men can but try.
~Sir Gawain and the Green Knight


knowingtheautist
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2022
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 70
Location: Canada

26 Apr 2024, 7:29 pm

That looks like your own creative poem, Charlemania.

Well written.

Yes, leaving a narc can 'feel' like decades of hell, but in the end, you don't have to deal with the 'when is my partner gonna call' anxiety.

Knowing yourself more is the way to start before rejoining the dating world.

:)


_________________
Thank you for following my Aspie Discovery red diamond icon and keep reading on as I will be posting more...


Last bumped by knowingtheautist on 26 Apr 2024, 7:29 pm.