Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

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Not weird, unique. As I said I can mostly blend in I think, but it's not as nitpicked about like it is where you are. Typically if you are asked about your heritage it has more to do with curiosity or in some cases they are looking to compare. Compare as in who has a more interesting lineage; we did that fairly often in school as kids.

Frankly there's a chance I'd be too apathetic to really notice any of their passive agressive remarks. I don't usually get mad too quick, if I noticed or got irritated with the questions I'd probably get pretty sarcastic vs getting mad. If I'd been dealing with that stuff my whole life I would probably get pissed/frustrated like you though.


I'm sure it does, I just don't take notice of that sort of thing much, nor do I go there a lot. I note different faces around just not like if their is a cluster/community of their ethnicity. They're apart of the whole community and that's all that really matters.


Eeee, you are a bit weird to find that enjoyable lol especially when you are use to San Fran weather. You can get use to the cold but a week of below 0 is brutal especially when you have to be out in it for a couple hours.

In Quebec there's a chance the locals might look at you weird anyway. Some of them are ruder than New Englanders xp


With the first guy I might'a asked if he was a Nazi since he was so fixated. The second, he might have just been curious. Like maybe he was all excited because he find different ethnicities interesting and didn't know you're use to aholes asking you that with crappy intentions. I wasn't there so I can't say anything with confidence on that though.


You are a unique mix; not something seen much so I can see why it might peak some interest. I like viewing you as a Chimera rather than soup, heh. Your diversity means you're connected to so many more places and people than others; that's a pretty cool thing.

I suppose I could if people talked to me xD


You'll find money grubbing everywhere but it is likely at one of the worst places where you are. A good portion comes back to superficiality but having a lot of money is seen a little bit as the ultimate American dream. Played your cards well and got money? That means you made it! -Something like that. I agree that many people who end up with deep pockets often have some of their worst traits are exacerbated. And of course that attitude is passed on to their brats who know nothing but will look down on kids from less monetarily prosperous families.


*blinks* Big breasts = big brains is the exact opposite of the usual stereotype, what the heck lol I just think it's ignorance and stupidity. People don't care about reality, just what suits them. I agree that it seems to be at a point where schools need to be teaching logic, common sense, empathy, and cause & effect etc.


I only know bits of my dad's side but with that cousin and some others, religious and ignorant is pretty rampant over there. I don't know if other relatives on that side have the 'oops' kids problem as much (save that cousin) but it mostly comes down to the mind set. How they were raised, or not raised in some cases. My immediate inclination is to tell them they're nuts and slap them with fact but I usually end up biting my tongue because the truth is is that they're victims of an unenlightened and often abusive mentality.


It's not necessarily a perk if someone doesn't live in an area or where people have the same dumbarse mentality of the people where you are. Adult virginity or even teen does get punched at and picked on but it's not usually as horrible as you've experienced.

Everyone has a different system and timing for things. Generally it's thought that a man's sexual high is around 18 but it's definitely not a rule. So it could be high because you've never had the experience but it could just be naturally you too. Since it is high now, one could possibly conjecture that when other men are starting to slow down you maybe still going strong. There's nothing wrong with relieving yourself, especially if it adversely effects your health not to.


Ah, I can relate quite a bit. All through my younger years I would think and talk about my future family, my children. But that stopped I think around 11 and my self loathing took over. I did not have a good time in school, I had people I called friends but in hindsight that is a bit generous or they just weren't very good ones. I remember watching others, seeing them connecting, having experiences together, and hearing about these thing but not being included. The only ones truly there was my mother and our animals so I get it. I also often wonder if I've been away from people so long that I may not be able to integrate at this point.

I thought others hated me often, especially when I was younger but what I've figured out is that isn't really true. Most didn't know me enough to hate me. Enough to ostracize, or pick on occasionally but not to hate me. Truth is they actually didn't feel much of anything about me one way or the other. Not being cared about is another issue but It did take some stress off me realizing that I wasn't actually hated by others. I don't know if this is the same in your case but I entirely believe that you have been hating yourself the most.


That can depend a little bit. Sometimes a lot other only a little but with good care and good genetics their lives can go longer than the usual. Yes there is aging and problems crop up but with effort you can sometimes keep them going awhile. But yes it is sad their lives are so much shorter than ours. I've been with my horse 23ish years and it is still no where near enough.


Yeah that makes it hard for you to even establish a baseline..Do you actually have to catch those things to cater to them? What would be the blow back? For that scenario people up here would just go with the verbal plan. If it was undesirable to someone and they didn't say something they would just have to suck it up. Or if they caught an eyeroll they'd get in the person's face about it.


Gag, they don't wash their hands? It would be no surprise if they get sick often..

I don't understand that meat only idea. Like where the heck does that come from? Meat is more highly prized but the men on my dad's side certainly eat vegetables...My dad would eat whole jalapenos, now that's fierce lol

Love has a knack for blinding you and making it so you minimize and disregard things. It usually wears through eventually though and ends relationships. My mother will talk about how she was just a dumb thing when she was younger and how handsome my dad was. So what I most curious isn't that they've gotten together but that they've been able to stay together and function. Relationship dynamics are often rather interesting.


Yeah that's all empathy entwined. Many on the spectrum have a hard time with different types of empathy. Many NTs aren't that great either.. or they end up letting their negative experiences make them "hard". It just nice to see someone that can see things from other perspectives beside from their own.


I can understand a bit I'm not real fond of getting food and sauces all over my hands. Kids that would run around with food on their hands and face like it was nothing has always grossed me out.

Do you use or have you tired using a probiotic? It could possibly help your GI tract. I take one daily because I'm lactose in tolerant.


I never did understand the taking photos of your dinner and sharing it online... it largely sounds like the people around just never did leave highschool. That is really unpleasant.


Cosplay cafés are kinda fun but yeah not the straight up pervy ones or just plain pervy ones. I think your low brow equivalent here would be like a Hooters.


All of that sounds very nerve wracking I do not blame you for being uncomfortable.


Some people have done that. Posted a photo here (the members only topic gets a little more privacy) to get feedback so you wouldn't be the first to do such. I would expect that given the nature of CA in general your looks there are probably being judged at least a bit more harshly than maybe somewhere else. I think unless you are like flawlessly red carpet beautiful at least once in every person's life they are told by someone they are ugly. But certainly if you're looking for some more diverse feedback on your appearance I'm sure other members(not just the females) would help you out.

It is kind of weird, in that San Francisco is a much more non-White city than any city in New England, yet they tend to ask you especially if you are not WASP. I would think that people here are so exposed to non-White people, that asking someone what their race is solely because they do not look 100% Germanic/Anglo-Saxon, i.e. blue hair and blonde eyes, with a super pointed nose, is just silly.

I am not sure how high your patience level is though. I think that the average person could deal with being asked this question perhaps ten times per year. However, I get this about five times per meetup. Simple arithmetic calculates this as well over 500 times per year. Accepting curiosity turns into suspicion and annoyance to this race obsession here.



There is a point to be made, I think. Here in the Bay Area, people make friends solely based on race. Like I said, there are subgroups within each “general race”, i.e. Black people divide themselves into the Afro-Americans and the Black Africans. The Chinese only make friends with Chinese, whilst having animosity towards the Japanese and Koreans. I had a lot of Chinese acquaintances throughout my childhood who would say that they would never befriend a Japanese, and that their parents would prohibit them from bringing in people of Japanese descent into their homes. Some even disliked Koreans, for who knows what reason. Over here as well, the Vietnamese community do not get along with the Chinese community. There is no real unity, and definitely not everyone is part of the community as a whole, since these subgroups keep diving into their own specific ethnic groups. It is kind of the very strange oxymoron that is California’s racial diversity.

In a way, I bet that the minority groups in New England are more integrated into society as a whole than here. When I lived in the UK, which are a majority very White country, the racial minorities adapted much better into the White British society. They really had no choice, since there were not enough of them to make subgroups within their own ethnicity like here.



I think that this characteristic of mine makes me weird even amongst people with Asperger’s, because I have severe heat intolerance, yet I can handle extremely brutally frigid cold weather. What most people consider a pleasant summer day can cause me heatstroke very quickly. Yet -40 C with ice blocks and feet of snow all over the place, I feel in my element. I prefer to do take a stroll during brutally cold, snowy weather than during hot “pleasant” weather. I think that my hypertension exacerbates my heat intolerance.

People in Québec are a bit reserved, but then again New Englanders are too. Maybe due to the French heritage the Québecois seem a bit arrogant, just like how the British consider the French to be arrogant. Québec province are essentially “New France”, so I can imagine the rivalry with New England.



That guy was definitely obsessed with the race thing. It made me think that he was weird especially because he was bald. I was trying to figure out if he shaved his head on purpose, or he actually was balding. Just one of the many pricks that I meet here.

That second guy, he asked me a few months later at the same meetup the same thing. He started asking what I am and listed a bunch of random ethnicities. I thought to myself, “Good Lord, not this again.”



If you want to see the profile photo that I used for social media maybe you can verify if I look so mysterious. I do feel like I must look like an orc from WoW or something for people to be that obsessed with my race.
It is true, my diversity means that I have such completely different cultures all in my blood. My paternal grandfather was a Buddhist, and my paternal grandmother was a fervent Catholic. In my own case I do not care about religion so maybe I made my own mix


I perhaps forget to remind myself of the importance (not to me, but to others) of Silicon Valley. Just an hour drive away from me, it affects everything in the Bay Area. The tech culture, the obsession with money, the lack of manners, the addiction to electronics instead of face-to-face interaction…everything. Remember that in Silicon Valley a modest-sized house can easily cost $2-3 million, and a big house can cost $10 million. The same modest house would cost maybe $200000 in New England, and the big house perhaps $400000. People are serious proud of their money, and they tie money and other superficial traits (like big dick or big boobs) to status.
Not sure if you saw South Park, but there was an episode once, and I think that one of the characters moved to San Francisco. It featured many of the SF people farting and smelling it for enjoyment. It was quite funny to me, but also sad because it was so true. The whole episode is parody and silliness, but I guarantee that these types of self-aggrandisement are actually quite true.




There are all sorts of idiotic stereotypes here. In general, the bigger your “stuff”, the more positive qualities you have. So a big dick guy is the virile, fertile, intelligent, rich, charming guy. The big chest woman is virile, fertile, intelligent, rich, sweet woman. Of course this is all BS, but you will hear this often here. The emphasis on being “alpha” extends to both males and females. I have heard the term “alpha female” a lot here. Everyone knows what an alpha male stereotype is like, it is similar to the stuff that my father’s side expects males to do. But an “alpha female” is a Bay Area thing, not sure if it spread to New England yet. An alpha female is usually someone like a female business executive who can make men drool as she walks down the street, has a degree from a top university like Cambridge or Stanford, makes six or seven figures and has an almost supermodel body. And of course is a grandmaster at both interpreting and using body language. Just like males with ASD being automatically disqualified from being considered alpha males, females with ASD are usually not considered alpha females. Everyone wants to attain the alpha status of their respective gender.



At least you have some intuition about when and when not to say things. I think that I lack that a lot, and people consider me their enemy. Unfortunately, the religion thing tends to correlate with a lot of outdated, strange customs and beliefs. Yet, they do not do what their religion tells them to do. I have an aunt (one of my father’s sisters) who is a strict Catholic, yet just states out loud during family gatherings things like how black people are not equals and that countries like Apartheid South Africa were good countries. This might have come from my paternal grandmother’s upbringing that very closely is similar to that of the Spanish conquistadores, that the White Spaniards had dominion over all natives of the Spanish Empire.



That is true, it depends on the location. I am not sure how to describe it better, but here having “not a virgin” as a checkmark on your social resumé is basically a very good thing, it means you are cleared of being considered abnormal, at least in the sexual realm. Having “still a virgin” on your social resumé is akin to having a record on your real work resumé that you had been fired from a job for incompetence. That is about how seriously this virgin thing is taken.



I did hear about how usually male sexual peak is younger than female sexual peak, as female sexual peak is usually 30+, 40s, sometimes 50s and older. But yeah everyone has a different system and timing. I think that the eagerness might raise my sex drive since I have not had it yet. It is kind of like giving a person food for the first time after they had been starving in some jungle or desert for months.
Unfortunately, I never wanted to end up like this, but since I do not have sex, I have to resort to watching porn sometimes. Strangely I might be familiar, at least visually, with how it is like even though I have no experience personally.



I heard many times about how comparing yourself to others can lead to very negative thinking and habits. It can be hard for people like us who never get accepted at least fully, into the so-called normal society. There is no reason that we cannot have families like everyone else, I mean my grandfather was almost 50 when my mother was born. Yes, my grandmother was only 27 or so when my mother was born, but she did not seem to mind the age problem with my grandfather.
It is sad to see others, especially friends, get ahead so to speak. But we have to stop the reflex thinking about comparing ourselves to others.



I suppose that that could be somewhat relieving to hear that they do not hate you, but just mildly reject you without really knowing you. Perhaps my negative attitude may cloud my judgement.
But my acquaintance from meetups, the guy in his late 40s from Minnesota, seems to not have attended meetups lately. I know that he said that he was getting tired of mingling with so many a***holes, but now I usually attend alone. I remember him telling me a few times about why people keep ostracising him and that he felt that so many people just hated him for no reason. I am not sure what it is about this place, but maybe people get this negative feeling from how people keep treating others.





It is hard to socialise without it. If someone tries to make a subtle facial expression or change in tone of voice and you do not catch it, they get irritated at you because you are supposed to “see” these things. But you will not know directly, because they are too cowardly to actually tell people things to their faces. Instead, they will usually tell a friend/acquaintance privately and/or spread gossip. Only when it surfaces later somehow would you know about it.
I have had to learn some very strange ways that the so-called normal people try to convey their point.

For example, someone proposes eating at Restaurant A. But one person in the group says, “Hmm…I think Restaurant B opens later, what do you think?” Now you would think, well why are they asking that. Say you just give them some information about Restaurant B, but all of you end up going to Restaurant A anyway. The person who had made that comment is internally already fuming from your failure to acknowledge that they actually did not want to go to Restaurant A, and that they were basically screaming inside to go to Restaurant B instead. Then you think, how the f*ck are you supposed to read their mind? They will reply, “Look at my body language and tone of voice, you are supposed to know what I was trying to say!” And of course like usual, you will not really find out that they were irritated in the first place directly; usually they will gossip privately about your failure to read their subtle signs, and other people might bring it up with you later.

As I said before, this is hard even for neurotypical East Coast people and Europeans, who are much more honest and often brutally honest. This is why the East Coast people often complain about SF passive-aggressiveness. If even neurotypical people from for example New York City or Boston cannot read these subtle signs, imagine how hard it is for someone with ASD.



I have had some verbal arguments with my father as well about the soap thing. His excuse is that nothing in the toilet is dirty, you can touch your genitals and the toilet bowl, it is completely clean. My mother has already told him so many times, but often he just refuses. “In my country, sometimes people do not have soap in the house!” he often says. Bloody hell..

I think that the meat thing is due to the connection between red meat eating and tough guy persona. Like that caricature of Tarzan in the jungle. Or the Flintstones. You often see Tarzan, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble with a bone full of a lot of meat. That is kind of what males in those cultures aim for. Crude, Jurassic style alpha male. I think that in many third world countries men eat vegetables though. Even in some third world countries, people are vegetarians, such as in some parts of India.

Naïveté, particularly in one’s youth or even in one’s twenties is common. Seeing when things are not quite right requires experience in dealing with unsavoury people, and a lot of street smarts. But the combination of love can also seriously cloud judgement.



I have heard that stereotype about ASD people lacking empathy. I am not sure how I got it exactly, but the sheer experience of being treated like s**t day after day not only in my childhood but in my adult social life, really built me up a lot of understanding when the unfortunate are being mistreated.



When I was seven I got a colonoscopy (which is actually very young by anyone’s standards), but they found nothing. I think that as a child I just had a poor immune system, maybe due to stress or not eating right. I also got a lot of colds and flus. But also those blasted stomach virii. Each year as a child I missed over a month of school due to getting these viral infections. In a year I probably vomited well over 30 times. I think that lactose intolerance can cause diarrhoea a lot. I had many Chinese classmates that could not tolerate dairy and they ended up with diarrhoea if they eat ice cream or whatever.



I was thinking about it. Either the members area or PM or whatever. I could show you the photo of myself that I took in Portugal with the backdrop of the city, the river and the famous bridge. I have generally had a horrible impression at worst, modest impression at best, of how I look. So many comments about how I look like this and that but looking at the picture it may be one of my best pictures. Someone else would have to judge that though.

I am not sure if you heard about it, but in the Bay Area there is almost like some sort of animosity between the genders. The men made up this acronym “49ers”. Originally, “49ers” refers to the NFL team of San Francisco, the San Francisco 49ers. But now in popular culture the men refer to women who look like a 4 but think that they are a 9. It alludes to the fact that there is such a skewed male-to-female ratio that in my age group (ages 20-40) it might be at least 70% male, 30% female. So, their reasoning is that due to this excess demand, the women act like they are better than they really are.

In contrast, the women made this saying about SF men, “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” This has a lot of double entendre already, which is a pain for anyone with ASD to parse. What it essentially means is that due to the enormous amount of men compared to the amount of women here, mathematically women have a lot of selection to choose from, since men outnumber women by a lot. However, the part of “the goods are odd” refers to the men as “goods” as if they were fruit or meat in a store, and that they are “odd”, i.e. they are weird. There is a general stereotype here that there is a high incidence of ASD amongst males here, but extremely low incidence of ASD amongst females here. This is due to the tech culture and being the IT capital of the world that most people in this city are male tech workers in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Plus, even if the men do not have ASD, that they tend to be socially awkward and just plain weird. Unfortunately, I fit those stereotypes despite not being in tech. But that is how women think of the men here.

Both genders seem to have an underlying, vicious dislike of one another, so often you see groups of guys and only guys, and groups of women, both staying within their same gender. “Never the twain shall meet, despite being in the same room” is a new SF adage. It does not help dating or socialising at all, and surely is making SF’s newfound prized description of being USA’s city with the lowest birth rate plus the lowest percentage of children compared to any other city quite notorious.

It does not help that I cannot flirt properly, nor catch subtle signals. My romance instincts are actually more akin to a woman’s, in that I feel uncomfortable approaching, and am much more comfortable when women approach me than vice versa. But again, more SF strangeness. The stereotype is that SF are probably #1 in gender equality in the country. However, the dating scene operates on the very outdated male-female dynamic where the male must always be the first to initiate and approach women, and never vice versa. Coupled with contrary views like how men should not open doors for women or offer to pay the bill during a date at a restaurant, it leaves me, who seriously struggles with recognising social faux pas and social etiquette to understand just what in the hell is going on here. I am often confused about what to do and what is expected of me as a male.

I agree I find it strange that an area with more color than white would be so attentive to race specifics.

I think I'm a pretty patient person but ignorant aholery tends to irk me pretty quickly. If I were to be constantly asked about my race would be rather tiresome; to the amount you are I would be thoroughly exasperated. My anger would be reliant more so on how I was being asked and with the tone being taken with me. Still being at that much I would probably get a bit snarky in my replies whether I tended to or not. "Are you a racist or just curious?"


I've heard of the discord that happens between the different Asian cultures. Largely it seems at least part of the problem is to do with a failure to integrate. I entirely believe people should hold onto their cultures and history but not to the degree that they are essentially creating their own little islands. I wonder if it's just something that happens or they do it intentionally. Perhaps some is monetary related as to why they are clustered. In any case in other areas it's not so segregated and in smaller communities there isn't much choice but to integrate just to be able to live.


You are definitely in the wrong place lol San Fran must be difficult for you to live in just on a temperature basis.

There are plenty of others in Canada and even my area with French heritage that aren't toting the attitudes of Quebecers. It may have something to do with it but it is certainly something very specific to that city. We don't mind, rather we like that Canadians come down to shop, it's good for local business, however, if you hear us complaining about Canadians we pretty specifically mean the Quebecers. I had a net friend that lived there and he was nice so I don't think it's necessarily all of them but oh the stories New Englanders can tell you about their run ins with them. I've been up there a few times, never interacted with the locals that much but I've found the fact they'll have a burger king beside a strip joint a bit strange.


A dude with no hair obsessing about race, way paint yourself as a skinhead... Yikes that would have freaked me out.

The second guy...I dunno. Maybe he forgot he'd asked before lol or maybe lots of other things. Could probably run down possibilities all night.


I'm not very good at evaluating physical looks, so sure how well I can assess "mysterious". I couldn't even give someone an assessment on Taylor Lautner. *shrugs* But I should be able to tell you if you look like an Orc or not! I doubt you look like an Orc, I mean I'd think people would be straight up running from you if you did.


It's a bit all over place depending where you are here. NYC you're going to pay through the nose for very little. Other places are more reasonable but if you want something nice you'll need to pay more, just not as much as there. But whether they're where you are or here, if they have deep pockets and big houses they're very likely to have a snob streak.

I never got into South Park so I'm glad you posted a clip because I wouldn't have understood what you were talking about otherwise lol


Alphas are something that's always existed and often they are inclined to be jerks in order to exert their dominance. Most people associate with alpha and jerk but jerk is not a necessary quality of an alpha type. Alpha type purpose is to be leaders so a certain amount of aggressiveness is needed, but many take that too far and up not being good at leading. That's when you end up with your brutal dictators and the like. Alphas certainly aren't exclusive to the male gender, but I don't think I've heard all that much talk of a "alpha female", she tends to just get labeled a biatch, whether she actually is or not. The high powered, highly educated, big pay check, super hot, very socially adept rolled in one isn't something you're likely to run into here. So by that definition there aren't really any alphas here; which is ridiculous because there certainly are. Like with other things your area seems to twist and exacerbate these kinds of things. Generally a person is an alpha or not (some people will in certain situations) since its a more a personality thing not a "having" thing. This of course also means not everyone can be an alpha so the people in your area are frankly just chasing their tails. The only way for everyone to be an 'alpha' is to do so in their own person/reality, which isn't all that consequential within a group. I'd agree that someone with ASD isn't very likely to be an alpha type but it's not impossible.


Ohh there's a ton of hypocrisy within religion. I think it was Gandhi that said “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” I recently had a religion/belief issue with a cousin on FB around her hypocrisy. By issue, I mean it really pissed me off and I'm still brooding about it a bit two days later. I thought of many replies to say to her stupid comment but then I realized it wouldn't matter. There is nothing I could say or appeal to that would get her to understand why I was upset, why she was wrong, why she was out of line, and how much of a hypocrite she was being. So I simply deleted the comment; which would be about the equivalent of getting up and leaving in person. Sometimes it's my intuition that says keep your mouth shut but other times it's things like that. Replying would've been illogical and a waste of energy. It doesn't have the same impact online as in person but silence sometimes is the best response; not everyone or what is said deserves a response.


I get, and I think it's stupid. It's very unfortunate that those people think that way there. The good thing is its not like that everywhere; they are the oddity. The mentality is wrong, not you or any other virgins.


That is possible, anticipation can have a pretty big impact on 'sensitivity'. Typically porn is terrible source for what it's like but yes, visually there is obviously some reference.


Yes comparing oneself to others is an absolute death trap for self esteem. Unfortunately a lot of society circulates around it. So and so is better because they're rich or whatever. All the things you see where you live of people trying to one up each other. Our schooling system is also largely set up to have kids compete with each other, so the reflex to compare is essentially something taught to us to do. This of course makes it that much harder to break one's self of the habit later on. The ASD just complicates everything. I can say I am much better at not comparing but I doubt it's something that can be wiped out completely.


It's easy to get a little clouded when you keep facing a lot of negativity. This can also be fueled by your own negative feelings about yourself. There's some value in asking if they hate you or if it's more that you hate this difference(as in not like them) in yourself. People cann pick up on weird things sometimes too. They might not know you from a hole in the ground but for some reason they end up using the thing you're insecure about to pick on you.

In your case, because of the mentality in your area I would make the guess that you aren't necessarily treated too much different than they treat anyone else. Aside from it being a way for them to thin out those not up to their ridiculous standards it serves as a means to bolster their own ego. It's entirely bullying tactics. I'm not sure how much going to these meetings is worth your time. I commend you for going out there and trying to be social, I just wonder if there might be a better means/medium/group around than MeetUp for you.


I see. I don't think I can be too much help here as my New England attitude says "F 'em all". And really I would probably choose to isolate over dealing with that crap. For the scenario you gave I actually probably would've picked up that they wanted to go to restaurant B. However if the majority of the group were saying A, my thought again is they'd just have to suck it up. I would definitely have a hard time there as well. The finding out things through the grapevine is just damn immature...


So I guess he just thinks he poops sunshine and his snot is made of rainbows? I'm going to guess he isn't much into science lol It is true that if you don't have soap you cannot use soap. But he has soap, just chooses not to use it.

Of course people in third world countries eat vegetables. Meat is often thought as an extravagance. Unless people raising and hunting animals there's a good chance that meat is more rare. They may get more of their protein from other foods or bugs.


It is a stereotype that we lack empathy but there is some truth in that we tend to struggle with a certain type of empathy. Empathy can be taught to an extent as long as we don't have a condition like psychopathy. Teaching them empathy only teaches them how to fake it typically. In any case we do have empathy, so where you got it is by being alive lol I'm sure your mother at the very least taught some to you as well. Most people are capable of empathy but often I've seen that those who have experienced a lot of crap sometimes get wrapped up in being the victim that they don't allow for other's hardships. Then there often can also be built resentment that gives people the attitude that since they had it rough everyone else just has to shut up and get through it like they did. These people could do what you have but they've chosen not too essentially and so I think that speaks to your emotional maturity. You don't see it as often as you'd like.


Stress can absolutely mess with your health and I don think that GI issues are particularly uncommon with Autism. I can promise you I missed more school from being absent, it just wasn't all at once. Sometimes sick, sometimes too stressed and depressed to function. That is an awful lot of vomiting though, I can not imagine how awful that was.

It can depend on how bad ones lactose in tolerance is. Some people only start burping a bit, others there might be diarrhea. Taking a probiotic helps prevent me getting so sick when I may injest dairy. It's not enough for me to have a bowl of ice cream or a cheese cake but I could get away with bite with no ill effects. So it certainly helps.


If you like the photo of you than no one else's judgement matters. As I said before though I'm sure people would give you their opinion on your looks and maybe even some tips.


Ugh. I hadn't heard of it. I find all of that superficial, dehumanizing crap absolutely gross. I haven't even been there and I hate where you live. It might be a good thing birth rate is low, I see no virtue in propagating that. I don't know how you aren't just bonkers living there.


Well you can learn to flirt somewhat, there are different styles and types you just have find what feels most cohesive. I can't speak for where you are but most women are just looking for a guy to make an effort. Not to be afraid of potentially embarrassing himself if it's going to make her smile for instance. Banter can be fun but you need someone with a brain to participate lol

I am not that surprised by that dynamic. You needn't feel alone, a lot of men right now are really confused as to how to man with a woman these days. I have my opinion on things like door opening but the your base line is just be decent. It might lead to a faux pas where you live but a reasonable woman isn't going to have a snitfit. Who pays is a bit tricky at the best of times. If you ask, you pay. If she asks then she ought to pay but you can still offer to pitch in. If it's unclear who asked I think the thing to do is simply to ask how she'd like to pay (so how do you want to pay for this?split it?) before you even get to the payment part. At this time men are still typically expected to do the approaching and take the lead, so there isn't much of a way around that. As for other things I suppose you could ask how she likes being treated by a man? You could ask here about specific faux pas you may encounter. You might get some mixed advice though lol

It is pretty damn annoying by now, because I can almost predict like a genie when people are about to ask me, “What are you?”. I can almost see it in their face, because they always preface this question by staring attentively at my face all over, such as my eyes my nose, my hair, etc. Then they pop the question, ”By the way, what are you?”. I think that my mother, who also gets this question regularly, answers people, “Human. You?”

The four questions that you will almost certainly get if you attend any sort of social gathering in this area are:
1) What do you do? (what is your job?)
2) What are you? (i.e. what is your race?)
3) any question about your sexual history
4) any question about your relationship history



Yeah the problem is that they do make their own islands here, and many follow suit. There are many islands here, not a continent, to use the same analogy. The 2010 census is way outdated, since so much has changed since then. I would estimate that the Chinese are definitely above 40% of the entire city’s population, and it would not surprise me if it reached 50%. Whites are a minority, maybe 30-something%. Filipinos make up quite a bit of the population, maybe 5%+. Perhaps smaller groups like Vietnamese, Thai, Cambodian, Japanese, Korean, would make up around 1-2% each. The black population has plummeted since the tech people gentrified and kicked them out of their neighbourhoods. The black population might probably only be 3% or so.

In my neighbourhood, given that 95%+ of the population are Chinese, they kind of have a monopoly on the area. That means the language, culture, food, etc. I would say the majority cannot speak English to basic level even. Now the Filipinos, Vietnamese, etc. make up a small minority of my neighbourhood, just like the Whites. Each has their own niche. It is called what they say here in California, “self-segregation”. For example, just today I walked past a Japanese restaurant (run by Chinese people though). You can see the clientele that basically everyone eating there is Chinese, and I have been there many times before. But right next to this Japanese restaurant is a fancy, posh gastro-pub thing. Overpriced in my view, but whatever. If you look inside, you can see that the clientele are 100% White. You do not see Whites eating in the Japanese restaurant, and you see absolutely no Chinese people at all eating in the “White people” restaurant. People really stick to their own groups here. There is sometimes low-level animosity amongst racial groups too. When people from other states come here expecting a real “melting-pot” diversity environment, they get shocked that why are people only hanging out with people of their own race.

My grandfather, when he was alive, had travelled as a young man to the Deep South of the USA in the 1940s. He went to states like Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina, Kentucky, etc. He often said how he remembered how he was forced to sit at the back of the bus and drink from separate fountains, even as a traveller, albeit a non-WASP traveller. But in his last years here, he said that SF reminded him of the Deep South under segregation, except that people actually chose to segregate themselves, rather than the law forcing them to. It is quite a weird phenomenon, a California thing, but mainly a Bay Area thing.



I hate the weather here. A lot of people say that they hate the weather here because it is too cold. I say that I hate the weather here because it is too hot. That pretty much makes them put me in the “weirdo” category. But it is what it is. I am overheated constantly. When I studied in the UK, it snowed regularly during winter. The temperatures were regularly below 0 C. But I not even once turned the heating on. I am just comfortable in bitterly chilling weather.


I have some family in Montréal, and I went to their neighbourhood once over a decade ago. I am not familiar too much with the attitude, but at least in my experience there the locals seemed quite friendly. Compared to here, much friendlier. In any case, what I like about both East Coast Americans and Canadians, is that they tend to not tolerate bullshït like over here.

There were some people from here who went to live in the East Coast, but they came back to SF. They told me that people in the East Coast of North America were all abrasive and blunt. “Why do they have to be so honest? Just soften the blow, or lie at least, they were so rude!” and I just think, “So, lying and pretending to be nice is better than being truthful?”



The guy had blue eyes and a slight blonde beard. Yet no hair. It certainly did not help that he was wearing boots. Yet after his argument with me, he started using his “charm” to flirt with some Chinese woman. When I left, I saw both of them eating hors d’oeuvres together. I was wondering how the hell this guy can even be likeable to women, yet I am not. Unless his attitude is considered more attractive than mine (?!).



Neither am I, despite being quite visual. I could send the photo through PM later. I know that I have had bad self-esteem issues a lot, but I honestly do not think that I am objectively a 0.5 or a 1 on the 1-10 scale. Some might think so, but I really cannot be that bad.



I think that snobbery in the East Coast, both in USA and Canada, is present mostly in people of “old money”. In other words, people who have millions (or billions) and pass on their wealth to the next generations. I guess like the Kennedys or the Trumps or whatever. The monied class there probably mirror the upper class in the UK and Australia, thinking that they are just born better than everyone else.

Here, however, the tech salaries give six or seven figures, yes. But then everything else costs so much more. I bet that the average tech worker here could buy several houses in New England compared to just scraping by a living in a small one-bedroom flat in San Francisco. But they are so proud of their ability to pay $5000 or whatever for that small flat.

It makes me think, a person must be quite rotten inside if they have to judge their worth on what they can do with their money rather than how they are as a person. As well as judging other people, especially the poor, for being worse people than they are simply for having less money.



I looked it up. The episode is called “Smug Alert”. The main characters try to rescue one of their friends who moved to San Francisco from the smug. I guess that that is a wordplay on “smog” (?), but they used smug since SF have a really bad reputation for arrogance.

The situation here must be that bad that national media and TV shows are making fun of this city for people’s ridiculous self-centredness.



Apparently the smug was so bad that one of the characters needed a gas mask and hazmat suit to enter San Francisco. I know that it is ridiculous and just exaggeration in the show, but I can say that it is only slightly exaggerated. When you enter SF city limits you can feel something strange in people’s attitudes.
I say now after I return from travelling in Europe, I know for certain that I am back home because everyone treats me like shït.



I think that people here miss that. The alpha male stereotype is quite revered here, not only by men but strangely now even by women. The aggressive Fonzie, smooth-talking bullshitter who is a 9 or 10 in looks and is purported to have had, or even have concurrently, multiple girlfriends and sex partners is basically a goal. Men try to be like him, and women seem to want someone like him. I hate to disappoint everyone here, but I would say that extremely few guys will be a combination of the physical looks of a George Clooney or John Travolta combined with the intelligence of Stephen Hawking, the suaveness of Robert De Niro, the stamina of Usain Bolt and the physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It is more like they are chasing a ghost, because such a guy probably does not even exist.



Religion and hypocrisy seem to complement one another. Personally I would stop associating with over-religious relatives, it is kind of the same principle treating them like acquaintances. On my father’s side most are heavily Catholic anti-abortion people. It might explain the excessive amount of children that people have.

Not sure if this happens to you, but relatives make comments about why I do not go to church, implying that I most likely have no morals. Kind of hypocritical coming from people who believe that women plus anyone associated with helping her (boyfriend, husband, doctor, etc.) have abortions should be tried and convicted of murder and sentenced to capital punishment.



This culture of shaming virgins at least here is so strong, that I have heard in some instances that being a non-virgin yet having suffered from STIs in one’s past is even favourable to being a virgin with no STIs. It is this type of warped logic that is resulting in idiotic societal norms. If you can even call them that.



I often feel ashamed that I have to relieve myself alone with porn, but it seems like the only thing that can help me get rid of the urges. They will return later, but for a couple of days at least, it seems like the only (temporary) solution.

I always had a pledge that if I did ever have a girlfriend I would quit relieving myself with porn. It has been hard, since that day never came yet (that sentence was full of unwanted puns). I often used to consider myself pathetic to be in this situation. I know how certain things look like, if that is the only positive. But yeah, porn is not realistic. Everything is staged and goes according to a script according to what the director wants, just like Hollywood movies.



Society has told us to compete against one another instead of the greater good. We are told that everyone is a competitor, not a colleague. It certainly does permeate society in socialising as well.

I have heard that New England are one of the most educated parts of the country, so I am sure that competing in education is tough there. But here, it seems to have surpassed ridiculousity. A lot of immigrants here are Chinese and Indian, and it seems like the obsession with studying all day and competing with one’s classmates is becoming mainstream. You can see documentaries about how children spend hours and hours, even until midnight, in school studying in countries such as Japan, China, Korea, India, etc. That is how a lot of people are here. Then for extracurricular activities people compete against one another instead of actually having fun. This is especially true in San Francisco and Silicon Valley. Dog-eat-dog world.



Often lately I try to give a chance to people to interact with them, in case they really are good people. But when I give them a chance, a lot of times they try to screw me over in one way or another, and I think, why did I believe them, they tricked me again. And some times when I actually decide to not interact with them, it turns out that I was right, and that they really were trying to screw me over. Things like this as well as the naïveté that caused me suffering in the past is clouding my judgement quite badly. I would like to trust people, but it seems like it is so damn hard to do so.

Of course, this might be something about my area in particular, because even neurotypical “normal” people who talk/write about their experiences living in San Francisco sometimes say that you have to be very careful and not trust people as easily as you do back home.



I find it sad. When I was in deep depression around ages 23-25, I had close to zero contact with people besides obviously doctors and store clerks, etc. I really thought that going to meetups would help find me friends, or if the opportunity presented itself, maybe a girlfriend. I did meet some good people, relatively very few, but most of them left, disappointed with SF as a place to live long-term. The few dates that I did go on were uncomfortable at best and terrible at worst. I just find it hard to connect with people here. Their mindset and interests lie on a totally different world compared to mine.

Social Darwinism is quite popular here. Although few actually identify that ideology as their own, their actions certainly correlate with it. I have done some internet searches to see what people write about when they live here. It is quite telling when they say how if you are anything below an “8”, forget about dating, no one wants you. It is very high-standard, judgemental and brutal in this society here. My mother said that things were never like this back when she was my age.

If you want a rough idea of this place:

This Is What Makes Dating So Hard in San Francisco

8 Reasons Why It’s So Difficult to Date in San Francisco

5 Reasons Dating in San Francisco Is so Freaking Hard

There are countless articles like this, but I just wanted to emphasise the opening paragraph of the last article:

Like many other women living in San Francisco, I’m intelligent, career-driven, highly motivated, attractive and (yes, you probably guessed it) single. The San Francisco dating scene is truly bizarre, which is why I’ve blogged about my experiences dating here a few times. So, it’s no surprise that both my male and female friends have started to come to me for dating advice. After listening to a variety of complaints and frustrations, I’ve complied a list of reasons why dating in San Francisco is so damn hard. [emphasis mine]

Now I am all for self-confidence and believing in oneself. But stating that you are intelligent and attractive to total strangers as an opening sounds quite weird, if not just stuck up. But people are often like this, thinking that they are the best thing in this world. Humility is not really a positive here.



I am probably much more like you than people here. Like Robert De Niro often says, “F*ck ‘em”. Yes, it is immature because that is exactly how children talk. “I am so angry because you did not read my mind because you are a looooser weeeirdo!”. Anyone who thinks like that should just go back to kindergarten.
I guarantee that the most neurotypical East Coast person ever would struggle severely here trying to understand what the hell people are trying to say. No amount of body language experts would discern what they really want to say. The problem is that it is almost binary—since so many people act like this, you either put up with it or just not talk with anyone. I hate that shït. Tell me straight to my face what you want to say. Not laying out hints that I have to find like some detective playing bloody Blue’s Clues.



He gets angry when being told, because you know, the man is head of the household and should not be told anything. He would often respond back, “So what if I did not wash my hands! Look at you, you have anxiety like a stupid fool!” or just a relatively short, “F*ck you!”. But in his culture, which is dominated a lot by archaic Spanish hierarchical trends, the father has the power to command everyone what to do. Even as a stranger, if you came to our house, if he tells you something and you do not do it, he will get visibly irritated.

We share a car. My father often does not wash his hands, then he drives, touching the steering wheel, gear shifts, etc. My mother knows this and tells him stuff like, “Can you just wash your god-damn hands for once!”. And because of my OCD I am really afraid of getting viral infections. So I wear gloves sometimes around the house.

He also sneezes and coughs with his mouth open when he has a cold. Whenever someone catches his cold, like my mother or I, and we tell him, he just gets irritated and says, “So what?!”

Yeah he is not a science guy at all. He thinks that recycling is for losers. My mother would tell him stuff like, “Can you just put the paper in the god-damn recycling bin instead of the garbage, for once at least?” and he just puts it in the regular garbage anyway.

You know what else is a problem with not being a science guy? My whole father’s side, except for a very few exceptions, believe that things like ASD, anxiety, OCD, depression, etc. are just made up. Anyone who has those conditions is just using it as an excuse to act weird and/or piss off people. Of course this means that most of my father’s side do not really like my mother or myself.



The meat thing is really detrimental though. Like I said, my mother keeps telling my father to stop eating so much meat and fat and eat balanced, with some vegetables. Just this week he said, “You know, of all the decades in my country, I never really ate vegetables.” My mother just looked at him like, “WTF?”. But my mother grew up in a third world country and always ate vegetables. In fact, she taught me to eat balanced: protein, vegetables, starch. If not for her strict eating instructions I might end up like some acquaintances and do things like eat chicken wings for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My health could not tolerate something like that.

My father is very stubborn and insists to eat copious amounts of meat. My mother always reminds him that he had already had two heart attacks. But he wants to eat the meat. He is eating pork rinds right now..

A lot of people on my father’s side suffer from bad heart problems, especially atherosclerosis, just straight up clogging of the arteries, heart attacks, cardiac arrest, embolism, etc. The obsession with eating massive amounts of meat is not helping one bit. My half-brothers are all obese. In fact, I am one of the very few skinny people when compared with people on my father’s side.



I can see what you mean. Personally, I think that empathy means empathy universally. Self-sorrow is necessary sometimes but ignoring that other people could have problems much worse than oneself is necessary, especially to put things in perspective.

Like how financially things have gotten worse over the years that we really do not celebrate Christmas, i.e. no Christmas tree, no presents, etc. But my mother told me how when she was a little girl she never got the Barbie doll or the children’s book that she so much wanted, because my grandparents had to save money constantly. So it is a case of I may be in a shïtty situation, but other people could too.

I have been treated like shït on a regular basis, but you too have had to deal with a bunch of pricks. I may be a virgin despite wanting to, but like in a previous post, I had an acquaintance who was a 33-year old virgin. Not only did people pick on him constantly and make snark comments to him for his status, but he had told me how he went on a few dates, but they all failed. Some of them failed exclusively because he was asked about his sexual history like I am, and he revealed his virginity. So the women did not like that at all. A lot of other people have similar or worse problems than I do.



The stress can really destroy me, yes. I think that stress can really hurt people both emotionally and physically. You hear about how people suddenly get heart attacks after suffering a particularly emotionally stressful event. Knowing my medical past plus my current hypertension, I always have to be vigilant about stress levels getting that high.
The stomach flus (gastroenteritis), however, were just hell on earth. I am sure that you know how it feels, the nausaea, the headache, the fever, and of course, the vomiting. When I was a small boy my parents had this red basin for me exclusively for vomiting. So when I got stomach viral infections, I would have to say, “Mum, get the basin quick!” then “Bleh…”. The vomiting traumatised me up to today. I can barely look at that red basin anymore without getting bad memories.

Regarding vomiting, remember that time I was talking about how I went on a date with that 30 year old woman a few months ago who just out of the blue started talking about birth control. She had also told me during dinner how the weekend before she had went to a nightclub and binge-drank so much that she kept vomiting in the early morning. By the way, is not 30 a bit old for that stuff? I drank a lot in university in the UK and in my 20s back home, but I did it slowly by building up tolerance. And never more than for example five drinks in one night. But still, one thing that I never have done ever is drink so much that I vomited. The memories of vomiting as a small boy are so poignant that I cannot even imagine putting myself at risk of vomiting ever again.



That sounds really annoying. Hopefully someday in the future they synthesise something to alleviate lactose intolerance, at least temporarily so that you could eat ice cream or cake properly.



Truth. I know that some liked it, as they left positive comments. I posted it on my Facebook, setting it as my profile photo. I also left a long comment that I translated into Spanish and other languages. To summarise, it basically said that I realise now that 95% of people whom I have met are just full of shït and do not care about me, 4% pretend to be my friends but really do not care at all, yet only 1% are actually people who really matter and care about me, plus I learnt how so many people have tried to take advantage of my naïveté and niceness in order to f*ck me over one way or another, and that I do not want to talk to or associate with these people.

As expected, a lot of people did not like that message. On my birthday when I posted that, in five hours already almost 100 people had unfriended me. Yet the few old friends that I have gave me likes. That taught me a lot about knowing who one’s friends are.



About the animosity between the genders:

Why Silicon Valley singles are giving up on the algorithms of love

I do wonder how this city will be with such a low birth rate. It is weird, because the population is growing at an alarming rate since tech workers are flooding into this city. Yet children are not being born. This city officially has the lowest percentage of children of cities in USA, yet the adults who move here act like children. Maybe that is how they compensate?

At meetups, I hear some of these things too. Guys might whisper to me, “Hey look, a 49er over there!” and some women have told me things like, “You know how the saying goes here, ‘The odds are good, but the good are odd.’ I mean just look at some of these poor excuses for men here.”



I am trying to learn these normal people’s flirting techniques even though it really feels like a foreign language. And as someone who knows a few, it seems harder than any foreign language that I know. I will try to approach more, but I cannot guarantee that it will not look weird.

I will try to ignore the advice for example of that wing girl who was talking about using dark magic wizardry or whatever. It is hard but it cannot be that hard.

[quote="Alterity"I am not that surprised by that dynamic. You needn't feel alone, a lot of men right now are really confused as to how to man with a woman these days. I have my opinion on things like door opening but the your base line is just be decent. It might lead to a faux pas where you live but a reasonable woman isn't going to have a snitfit. Who pays is a bit tricky at the best of times. If you ask, you pay. If she asks then she ought to pay but you can still offer to pitch in. If it's unclear who asked I think the thing to do is simply to ask how she'd like to pay (so how do you want to pay for this?split it?) before you even get to the payment part. At this time men are still typically expected to do the approaching and take the lead, so there isn't much of a way around that. As for other things I suppose you could ask how she likes being treated by a man? You could ask here about specific faux pas you may encounter. You might get some mixed advice though lol][/quote]

I am used to opening doors for anyone. If I see someone, regardless of gender, close behind me, my reflex is to open the door for them. In a few instances here for example at shopping malls, the women got irritated and told me, “You know, I can open my own door!” or something similar. I am not sure how that is offensive though. Maybe I was taught old-fashioned manners, my mother told me that she grew up expecting doors to be opened in that way. She was also taught the old way that the man pays, or even if they split, at least the man offers to pay.

Since the dynamic here is much more different compared to in other places, it adds more complications. Added with my horrific social awkwardness, I often am clueless. Sometimes I wish that I just knew beforehand. I would not mind asking her just to later have no confusion about paying, etc. Although starting off a date night with, “By the way, do you prefer that I pay or we split?” kind of sounds like an attraction damper. Personally, I am fine either way, if I pay or we split or whatever. I just try to avoid as many awkward situations as possible.

Aspergers may have destroyed your life. Out going/friendly extrovert guys do not have Aspergers find life far easier than you. They do not have to deal with the mental torture of having Aspergers or being disrespected and socially rejected. You may be angry and frustrated with life being so difficult and life only gets worse with time.

another depressing reminder that cases like this are male-dominated, something that has always bothered me, it's nearly impossible for a woman to remain single throughout all of her 20s or more

Last edited by WantToHaveALife on 13 Dec 2019, 7:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I also heard it was because, arranged marriages, people were set up instead of having to cold approach, that was more of the norm back then

I came across this article:

Later-in-life virgins – ‘At my age, it becomes a red flag’

I think that the title says it all.

I am not sure what to think of this article, whether to feel depressed or just brush it off and keep trying like usual. Here are some quotes from the article that really had me thinking about this:

That is deflating to hear.

About the same guy:



So today's society regards virginity at 25+ as basically an STI. That is the extent to which people hate virgins?



I can relate. And this guy is only one year older than I am. Is this what is to become of my future?

Could be worse, you can be in a long distance relationship where you haven't seen the other person in over 2 years due to persistent bad luck on their end and your parents cutting you completely off on your end.

i know its quite common in Japan, I know that the Buddhist religion people believe in reincarnation after death, that you come back to life as a different animal, I will admit, sometimes I would like to come back as a Male Lion, their mating dance, courtship ritual, looks easier or more simple, straight to the point, no mind-games or shit-tests involved, they just get on with it.

This is the problem that I have when people suggest taking up a hobby to meet women. It's very insincere and almost creepy to do that for an ulterior motive.

As a prostitute user since the age of 25, I agree with this post.

I read a lot about some aspies being asexual, but I can tell you, I must be an exception because I feel the opposite of asexual.

Since about 13.5 years old, the thought of intimacy with a human female has caused me a mental overload, but in a good way.

With my prostitute experiences many have often asked "are you alright!?" when fondling them because I am like
the "Gollum" character from the movie "The Lord of the Rings" when I get near them.

Prostitutes are legal in Europe, mainland is ideal as they are still seen as seedy and only semi legal in the UK but it's better than nothing.

Edit: Fck, 9 pages!? I'm not sifting through all that, but this is my 2 cents

That is such a disturbing image that you’ve planted into my brain. LOL

We don't want people who advocate the Incel ideology here.

It's a garbage ideology that has no place on WrongPlanet.

It's not an idiology, it just means it's impossible to get sex, which is what I want.