Desperately in love

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By pushing some subtle connotations in the conversations I expected her to do the same and go for it. She never did. It was when I had my very first contact with groups of people in my life, so I was a bit naive and never realized one important side of the man-woman relation: men have to seduce and woman is the chooser (so if you don't get to the point she have to choose you can circle around for years!) Even if our society has shifted in a more balanced position between the opposite sexes, this "choice" effect is still dominant.

If he loves you, he must have not realized that a relation between a man and a woman is not a perfect symmetry. And I think Aspies do function a lot like this: they give and they expect something back, as if the other person would have the same perceptions and the same idealization of fairness at the same time.


Nope we remained friends for a couple of years


Nope


Yes, but not as one "hey, you know? I love you" final step. But as a crescendo in a discussion. She never echoed any of my attempts I tried a couple of weeks. I thought: if she is not able to see or respond, it means in both cases it would be a wrong choice. I locked myself in the "friend" mode by finding out why I loved her and why I didn't loved her. I realized I was quite blinded by my love and that she was severely lacking empathy.


You cannot draw a conclusion on the freaking alone, he might be frozen because of a move he did not expect from you (the same kind of frost I get when I get touched when I do not expect it: the surprise is freezing me! not the intent of the touch! So if you want to touch an Aspie, sit closer and closer, then grab him) If you reach him too fast, the reflex "no!" reaction will the only one, even if he loves you.
That is why you should gently take him in a state of confidence so that it will become obvious to him. That is why I said:




And that is normal, this is a totally new role for the modern woman in the new balance between man/woman

PS: there was a "touch" post yesterday http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts138090-highlight.html

SuperAspie wrote:

<By pushing some subtle connotations in the conversations I expected her to do the same and go for it. She never did. >

and

<And I think Aspies do function a lot like this: they give and they expect something back, as if the other person would have the same perceptions and the same idealization of fairness at the same time. >

NTs and aspies appear to be alike in that we want to know where we stand in a relationship and expect the other person to give a response that is clear. But communication is never clear when two people are clearly speaking different languages and don't ask direct questions that would provide the reaction that we expect. Both in the relationship are equally unable to understand each other. There are a lot of people in the friend zone who don't know how to ask questions in a way to get the answers they want. Does that make sense?

I think that if you had told your friend that you loved her, your relationship might have been different. The words "I love you" are very powerful words.

You are perfectly making sense, this is a pretty common situation. The idea was to "set the scene" for the moment to say I love you. We often regret we missed a very good occasion to say it. And for my friend I do not regret it, she was the kind of person that would hurt anybody in her path without realizing it.

And what about the friend that I did not love? Well one day she sent me a clear message that she more than cared for me. Of course I froze, it was totally unexpected, and I froze. I still am ashamed and feel pain when I think about it. I did not apologize or even tried to explain things, she just understood and we remained good friends. A few months later she gently came to me and asked if it will not bother me if she and a friend of mine started dating... I told her I was deeply touched by her request, that she didn't even had to ask me for it, and I told her how amazed I was by her beautifully cute request.
But what would have happened if she took the time to set the scene as she did it for her request? I will never be able to reply this answer, but it draws a big IF.

Context is everything, even more for Aspies

I'm sorry to jump in on your thread, but I'm in a similar situation and could use a bit of advice. I've made friends with a male with very mild asperger's, and I am extremely attracted to him. I ended up telling him very recently that I was interested in him, and his response has been rather...odd. Behaviorally speaking, I am clearly separate from his other friends, male or female. He doesn't like touch in general given his hypersensitivity to touch, but he touches me frequently, from just wanting to press against me to nuzzling up against my neck or entwining around my legs. He also occasionally does things quite intentionally that I have clearly stated make me aroused (i.e. grabbing my feet and starting to massage them). He continues to do these things, and has in fact gotten even more prone to touch me and protect me quite aggressively. However, he says he's not attracted to me. I understand that for him the word attracted doesn't quite mean what it means for me, but I'm somewhat sad i've been compartmentalized as just a friend. I would love to move out of this role if I can, but even if I can't , I adore this guy and would be happy to be his friend if that's all I can do. I'm in no rush, and he's currently still hurt by a previous relationship. I'd just appreciate any advice anyone has about how to move out of being 'friend' and into being 'more than friend' in his mind.

Not every single one, just like not every single NT guy would either. I had an aspie guy tell me he loved me.

Thanks, astaut. We'll see what happens. Right now he's in one of his silent periods. We'll see what happens when he reappears.