Aspie_Chav, the whole game just flat out sucks. I got a hard reminder real recently where I really had a girls interest, we had a lot in common, she really liked me - almost too much for the good of the situation, and for the life of me I just wasn't attracted to her on that level. As much as I tried to let things down lightly it really hurt her. Trouble is you can't make attraction or chemistry happen, as much as what you said about at least a great deal of women may be true they still can't change what they are and aren't attracted to, and if you've had experience with having a woman's interest at times and especially if you've had to break things off you realize just how much it sucks for them as well and how much of what you can or can't feel when it comes to relationships is really not in your control.
I also realize a couple other things - I'm still as weird looking as ever, not ugly but definitely weird looking, my hair's thinning, I'm not exactly aging in a way that I think is adding much in the way of character, no matter how much my maturity moves foreward inwardly I really doubt I'll ever mature in the right ways outwardly, there's a ton of areas of myself where I'll probably never fit in as a 'valid' adult no matter how much discipline I bear down on myself with, and in the end to see that I can't even get into the few women who are interested in me and have that creeping feeling like I could even ask someone out and still have this happen - to me its a pretty stark indicator that my own estimates are looking a lot bleaker. I'll still do everything I can to live my life to the fullest on other angles but still I just have to remember that this world is full of human wreckage, probably outnumbering everyone who lives anything close to a little fairytale like 2 to 1 or even more, and I have to just accept for now that I'm part of that wreckage. To have 'confidence' in some cases it really means being someone who can lie to themselves and hide a lot of realities from themselves just for the sake of self-opinion while shouldering the consequences of all kinds of things even as they fall through over and over again (which would make me think they'd just blame it on the people around them, absorb the blame and just say "yeah, I'm an a--hole", or something of the like). That's just the problem - I am confident and self-assured in those 'at peace with who I mean to be' and 'at peace with my own grasp on things and awareness' sorts of ways, I feel stable enough to have self-assurance, but I still don't see myself having the right to that kind of heirarchical confidence just because I can say I am one of those people who's given it his all to break through all this and overcome it but it seems pretty certain that we all have various limits and that will can't break those limits when you hit the absolute ends.
06 Nov 2006, 5:15 pm
