A confused NT

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What the f**k are you all talking about, I don't read anywhere in the original post that he dosn't love her nomore, or doesn't want to have sex or whatever the f**k

All I read is something about roommates, and that SHE doesn't want to be roommates or friends, because she loves him to much.

Why not be roomates?

I don't get it.

Why does this make her mainly the problem. To me the problem would be mainly with neither of them, they are just in different places.


I'm not sure anything has been said by the OP about requiring sex from her partner. It's possible he had interest, but has lost it.

But this is all just speculation as the OP has probably gone over to ASPartners and is learning how scary we are.

@timtowdi and rdos
Thank you for your feedback, both of you have validated what I was thinking what was going on. Thank you.
I completely agree that he is overthinking these feelings and convinced himself they have become a problem. That is what I and his mother have been thinking. He over analyzes everything and it applies to this situation as well. It's just so confusing and frustrating seeing this relationship being thrown away when we both love each other and have all the things of a happy healthy relationship.
I have asked myself if I want to "deal" with such impulses the rest of my life. Usually, he's never impulsive so again that this has come out of the blue is a little disturbing. And that is something I'm continuing to come to terms with. A little about myself, I'm a caregiver by nature, and for whatever reason, even though I'm NT, I understand him fully, he's such a wonderful soul, helping him through life is so natural to me, it's not a burden at all.

As for being roommates in his eyes the relationship is no different. Obviously, that will not work for me, either I'm in his life or I'm not.

As for the asexual side that rdos mentioned. He originally was thinking he had a problem with his sexuality, then I brought up the ASD and now he's realized it's more of an ASD situation. However, he mentioned he thinks he might be on the asexual side, but that is also confusing coming from a man that has a high sex drive and requires lots of it. I think he's a little lost. He has mentioned sex is weird for him and it's getting weirder, but that is something that I can't relate to so I don't know how to convey it on this thread. I personally don't require a lot of sex.

As for now we are spending next week apart and are planning on discussing whether or not we are ending the relationship next weekend. But yes, if we do end it, I'll be moving out and there will be "no contact"

I would like to thank everyone who provided input on my thread, I greatly appreciate it.

I think you misunderstood what I said. I never stated she was playing any games. I was thinking that the guy was taking her for granted....hence, the change in his attitude. Obviously, I could be wrong--I'm not there. But being taken for granted was the primary cause of the demise of all my relationships.

@saccapunta - good luck. And keep in mind that "in his life or not" may not have any apparent meaning to him, either.

@kraftiekortie - I meant the suggestion that she pretend not to care about him in order to try to manipulate him into some reaction. That's game-playing.

I mean.....the guy expressed all these grand feelings for four years.....then changed his mind all of a sudden. I don't see "Aspie" here....I see fickleness. I see boredom. Human traits. Things that happen in all relationships. It's almost like the "seven-year" itch has emerged after five years

I agree. Any time you act in a manner so as to gain a certain result you are being manipulative. You are not being genuine and this is game playing. I find this tactic counter-productive.

I see what you're saying. I'm not very good at playing games...and I believe I honest dealing. It's a pity the guy changed his mind, and ruined something very nice. I feel the relationship has entered a point of no return. I don't sense that it is the way it should be. I guess they have to let things run their course. Hooefully, the guy will reflect and do what's right for both of them.

Sounds to me like he just liked the idea of romance and a relationship for his own ego, as in, he felt since society pretty much says you need to be having sex and be in a serious relationship to be a human, he probably felt the need to be in one. But you said 5 years.

But, it's a mere paragraph, not much to go on.

I see a lot of Aspie in the problems they have. Especially I see the whole spectrum of neurodiverse relationship preferences that NTs have a hard time understanding.

What do you mean when you say that he lives in a fantasy world?

Who_am_i

When I say he lives in a "fantasy" world I mean several things, one, he has a movie of what he thinks life is supposed to be playing in his mind. When life doesn't go how the movies is playing he panics and thinks something is wrong. i.e. This situation where he thinks he's supposed to be feeling whatever he's seen society tell him about love and relationships. It's not the same for him so he's freaking about our relationship. The other part of he lives in a "fantasy world" this one is a little different but, he had no clue the repercussions of his actions. Again, he thought I'd totally be "cool" being roommates because in his eyes they are the same. Or he genuinely thought he could have my dog, which became "our" dog over the course of the relationship, but no, she's always been my dog before we were even together. So again it's these thoughts or scenarios that he puts in his head that he thinks is real life, when indeed they are not.

Saccapunta: I know you don't take my responses seriously. Perhaps I go too much on my instincts without reflective thought. But I'm basing my notions on my experiences in relationships.

I'm a person on the Spectrum, and have experienced similar thoughts as your fiance's, but I'm applying a human standard here, rather than an Aspie one. I feel Aspies are human, and can cognitively see absurdity. I see absurdity in what your fiance said. It's based upon a selfish world-view which Aspies should transcend.

I apologize for not "thinking enough"--but this is what I viscerally feel: that the guy is fickle, and that you invested much in the relationship, only to find that he will split without consultation with you. That's beneath the human and Aspie standard IMHO.

If he doesn't know, he should be taught. This will benefit him in the long run.

Kraftiekortie:
I do value your input and thank you for giving me your perspective. I totally agree aspies are human and should be held to human standards, once some of the unclear societal standards are explained/taught.
Now, I've been trying to separate myself from this situation, and I'm trying my best not to "hold on" I came here for insight and I have gotten a lot of it. Now, not to discredit your opinion, but he's far from fickle, and even in this situation I don't feel that he is being fickle. Because he does want the relationship, and looking into other things so he can make a decision to stay or go. We are spending the next week apart with no contact so he "figure" it out. He said he doesn't want to string me along, that is why this is happening. Now what I see, is he's confused, fundamentally confused. I think he's confused about the emotions/lack of he's feeling, I think he's confused as to where his boundaries are, and I think he's confused on the definitions of partner/friend/romantic interest/etc I know he's been having trouble conveying his feelings, and the sort. That's why I'm here just for perspectives, and I again I value all of the input I have received so far.

I undestand, Saccapunta, where you are coming from.

You have a refined sense of human relations, and a fine amount of emotional intelligence. I probably need work in the emotional intelligence department.

If I were the guy, I would count myself lucky. Many women wouldn't take that stuff.

I would guess that the guy's being honest with his feelings. The timing is unfortunate, though.

I hope all gets resolved, so not much hurt is incurred on both sides.

I apologize for seeming crass--that quality is something that I have to purge from myself, at least somewhat.

The one thing that seems clear is that you find the relationship downgrade unacceptable, and have told him so. This is like giving him notice that if he can't return the relationship to its former status you won't go forward. At the same time, sounds like you're hoping against hope since he loves you and says he wants the relationship that the ultimatum will make him 'come around'? Will you really end it if he comes back saying he can't change the way he feels? If you want to keep it, be careful not to damage your long-term relationship with an unnecessary break up.