Moving in with my girlfriend... And I'm nervous.

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sorry he hit you

Well, I'm actually planning on asking her to marry me when she comes up to move in. I bought us tickets to go see her favourite show "Wicked." Afterwards after a awhile I would pop the question. I'm only nervous about moving in because I've never lived with anybody but my folks. It's something that I have to get used to. I've been through harder ordeals than this.. It's just a matter of putting on my big boy pants and opening that door to being a grown up. We both have quite a bit to learn when it comes to "adult skills" aka bills, insurance, etc. However, despite that, we pretty much complete each other. Met through community theater ( although I went to high school with her.)

What's the rush? If your intention is to marry, one year or two should be peanuts. You have a lifetime ahead of you.



Whoa there. I understand where you're coming from but the two of them have been living at mum's up until now. There's nothing wrong with an incremental approach.



I'd rather find out whether I can stand cohabiting with someone before I get married so we can get out without the legal mess if it's a bust. Dating is worlds apart from living together. I would suggest going all out with the long term/lifetime stuff after a year of living together.


I know I am just a stranger, but I'd suggest you live together for a year before you propose. Just focus on getting the hang of living together first. Get her on the pill and buy condoms for that period of time.

Other suggestions:
Learn to budget ASAP (in such a way that you allocate a monthly portion of earnings as savings)
Do NOT co-sign anything together. If your relationship falls apart you will be stuck with the terms still. Do all you can to operate as separate entities that happen to live together.
Do NOT pool savings in the same bank account. Do not do this ever, no matter what ceremony occurs!
Keep tabs on who purchased what for the time being.
Pre Nup once you propose. Put feelings aside and do it.

As for your worries, you both know this is something that has to happen, and it's a huge step you're taking together, so maybe she feels the same way? You did mention you two were similar. Just communicate as much, as often and as constructively as you can, and work together as a team. It is the best you can do.

I think it SHOULD make you feel somewhat anti marriage, the reason being I don't get the impression that most people really take it that seriously, at least not as seriously as I do. If you're not up for the commitment, DON'T get married. But I don't think that lengthy dating and lengthy engagement, and try-before-you-buy attitude towards living together and getting hitched much, much later solves anything, either. If you're going to commit, i.e. be more than roommates and bedmates, what are you waiting for? That never made sense in my mind.

I'm vehemently, extremely anti-divorce. I see divorce as an absolute final resort, and things have to be catastrophically bad to go there. The good thing is if/when divorce becomes necessary, you're able to get your respective lawyers to battle it out for you. My personal attitude towards divorce is that it gets you out of a legal obligation when that obligation becomes unlivable. I do NOT feel that it gets you out of any MORAL obligation. My wife is my wife FOREVER and absolutely NOTHING and NOBODY can change that, especially not a lawyer or a judge. Not even death. If I were somehow forced into a legal divorce, I'd have to stay single for the rest of my life.

The bills and stuff are things that the grownups in your life never tell you about. I follow a pretty rigid formula of keeping life simple. Just go by your physical needs: Food, shelter, safety. Start with that, and you'll find it's easy to live together on the CHEAP.

I can't tell you how to run your life. You'll figure it out. My #1 rule is NO DEBT. Stay away from credit cards, any kind of bank loan, payday loan, student loan, mortgage, car note/lease, etc. Just don't do it. If you can't cash flow it, don't buy it, it's that simple. And if, like me, this is a lesson you learn too late, start doing something about it TODAY. Have very serious talks with your SO about this and have a game plan ready to start the instant you get back from your honeymoon.

Something that helps my wife and I is buying everything in bulk at wholesale price. We have to travel a long way to do this, so we don't actually "save" money. But we do buy rice and bread flour 100 lb. at a time. What this does is it keeps us from buying bread and rice from the grocery store so we can divert our grocery budget to things like frozen veggies, meats, and fresh fruit. There's nothing more nightmarish than realizing your forgot to buy bread last week, you already spent your last dollar, and now you don't know how you're going to pack a lunch for your three kids to take to school. I usually prep dough on Sunday night to rise overnight, bake rolls first thing Monday morning, and we've got bread for the whole week. And since we start out with 100 lb. of flour in reserve, if it looks like we're about to run out of bread, I just bake some more. We're not chronic rice eaters or anything, but it's a good, cheap alternative if things are getting really tight and we do run out of groceries. We COULD conceivably just eat rice for a week or two while we wait for paychecks to come in.

Like I said, buying in bulk once you factor in membership fees and travel doesn't actually SAVE money--it comes out about even. But once you stockpile dry goods like rice, beans, flour (don't forget the yeast), instant oatmeal (the big box, not the individual packs), and other necessities like cooking oil, it keeps you from running to the grocery store when you run out of the essentials from week-to-week. When you barely have enough money to buy gas to get between work and home, the last thing you want to think about is how you're going to feed a family. If you happen to live in a big city, you can add frozen veggies and meat to your bulk purchases and only hit the grocery for apples, oranges, and bananas and pretty much live free for a year before you have to do any REAL shopping.

Anyway…just a few items from the trenches. Grownups never tell you this stuff, but putting some of these things in practice has saved our marriage.

The other thing that has really solidified things with us is organizational planning. We have weekly/monthly/yearly pow-wows to look at finances, special occasions, work-related events, school-related events, and all that. I use a Franklin planner to map out everything from week to week, keep a to-do list, and a daily journal, all in one place. Franklin planners are HUGE and expensive and not for everyone, but it has helped me keep my family, personal, and business/creative life running smoothly and probably actually saved a lot of money from avoiding stupid stuff. Not everyone is going to get on board with this at the level we have. As long as you keep communication open and have some sort of game plan for stuff coming up you'll be fine. I find it's important to write EVERYTHING down.

As an example: This week is the anniversary of my father-in-law's passing, which is emotionally a tough time for my wife (and, consequently, myself). So the night before we split a bottle of wine just before bedtime. I also bought some inexpensive flowers and a vase and had the kids deliver it to her workplace the next day. The thing is, these are things my wife isn't going to just tell me. But I reviewed my journal from last year, saw that I'd made a note of this being a particularly BAD week, remembered that the bulk of our marital strife had consistently centered on this time of year, so I made a point of putting flowers and wine on the to-do list. Not exactly spontaneous or romantic, but it definitely softens things up on an otherwise seriously bad day.

And you'll figure out quickly that things throughout the years come and go in yearly cycles. If you made a note of going out to a certain place on a date last year, there was probably a reason for that. I have "Make a pot of deliciousness" down for April 30. Not sure why, but it doesn't really matter, does it? Somehow, I felt last year that it was important to do something special for my wife. So MAYBE April 30 just happens to be somewhere on the calendar when my wife really needs me to do something to make her feel special. I mean, you should try to make your wife feel special EVERY day. But carving out a few days a year to give extra attention can save your life.

Anyway…stuff they never tell you about being a good husband or spouse… Best wishes.

yes well you have views that are at odds with most of the worlds population.

so if I'm not willing to commit right after only knowing each other for a little while, then never marry. got it. if I ever get a gf I'll tell here and link her back her. "sorry I want to get to know you better and be sure we can live together so as much as I want to marry you one day since its now or never its never" yeah no thanks I'll go the more normal and successful route. you seem out of touch with how society is now.

It's not so much that I'm out of touch with how society is now. It's just that I think the way society is now really, REALLY sucks. Normal SUCKS. Normal means you don't make any commitments. Normal means getting into debt up to your eyeballs and keeping it around like a pet. Normal means those debts and other financial issues are going to strain the relationship. Normal means you go on emotion, because you're "in love," and you don't listen to your parents when they see something catastrophic on the horizon that you're just too blinded by "love" to see. Normal means going through a string of useless heartbreak trying to make it work with every first person you meet. Normal means getting in messed up relationships because you're too obsessed with finding "the One" to just chill out and get to know some good people. Normal means pursuing people who don't love you when there's someone who is PERFECT for you RIGHT FREAKIN' THERE and you're just too stupid to notice her (or him)…because you're in looooooooove.

OMIFREAKINGOODNESS [/rant]

whew…I'm GLAD I'm weird. If I'm out of touch with the rest of society…GOOD. The "rest of society" never did ME any favors. Forget them. I might be weird, but I'm HAPPY. "Normal" just doesn't cut it.

no normal makes commitments we just don't swear some kind of blood oath you do. even in the 1950s people got divorced and move on to other relationships.

just cause people dont' forever stay committed to someone who beat them, cheated on them, then divorced them doesn't mean they weren't committed to them and won't be committed to the next person. you're committed until the relationship ends. then you're just stalking them. I'm probably one of the most loyal people you're meet. but no point in being loyal to a long dead relationship or someone that hates you and continues to hurt you.

i honestly don't think people in general every in any time worked like you. which is fine if it works for you and your wife. just don't like being judged off of a rare system. don't make you better than the rest of us. as others pointed out since theres been marriage theres been divorce. only difference is lot of rich noble men's divorce included killing the wife to get a new one.

Divorce has always been around and was always intended to give someone a way out of a relationship that had become unlivable. Even in the 1950s commentary regarding divorce noted that it was fashionable and casual, and people would freak out and the gossip mills would run full throttle when it got out someone was going through a divorce. And, I mean, that was before divorce was cool. In some places today, divorcing couples will actually have ritualized divorce ceremonies and parties immediately following their formalized parting of ways. WHAT IS FREAKIN' WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? I don't get it…and I'm exercising a lot of restraint not making ALL of these posts in ALL CAPS. It's a bad habit I've seen people fall into and I've resisted it, quite well for me, I think, but topics like this make my blood boil.

"Blood oath" you say? Maybe you have a point. But REAL commitments such as with marriage don't have expiration dates. I don't believe in throwing people away like yesterday's garbage, even if they ACT like yesterday's garbage. Human being mean much more to me than that.


I made a lifelong commitment, which means my part of the deal ends when I'M dead. She can beat me, cheat on me, abandon me, or whatever. I'm not stalking anyone. I'm just leaving the door open for reconciliation. When it comes to divorce, as long as I've performed my husbandly duties and roles at or above reasonable expectations, I'm not agreeing to anything. I'm here to preserve the union. If you want out so bad you're willing to do something so irreparably catastrophic that I'd file papers on you, be prepared to be destitute, because you're not just going to walk out of here with marital assets and shared custody of the kids. Cheating? Man, I hope the dude's rich enough to handle the loss of affection civil suit I'm going to file. Putting me or my kids in danger? Hmmm…maybe we need to get the state hospital involved because you're clearly off your rocker. And don't even think about handing me a blueback for an uncontested NFD, unless you're trying to be funny and all I'm going to do then is laugh at you.

And, thing is…I'm not here to puff out my chest or threaten anyone. That's not the point. My point is no one is under any legal obligation to just accept divorce, nor is divorce even going to solve any problems. Divorce is a semi-permanent solution to an ordinarily temporary problem. It's not uncommon for people to go through two divorces and finally get themselves straightened out the third go at marriage. The reason why divorce doesn't work is because it is usually a failure of the person seeking it to recognize his or her personal failures in dealing with the marriage partner. You're getting a divorce because of YOUR problems, which become OUR problems because YOU refuse to try to resolve anything. Divorce may get you out of a bad situation, but unless you learn to confront the issues that led to the divorce in the first place, those problems are only going to follow you into new relationships and marriages. If you'd just confronted those issues within the marriage relationship in the first place, you'd still be in your first marriage and none of this would even be relevant. But if the OTHER person is shoving a blueback in your face, there is absolutely NO REASON WHATSOEVER you should feel bullied or harassed into granting someone a divorce.

In my experience with divorce procedures, what happens a lot of times is someone will cheat on the other and rather than drag all their business in public, she's really just tired of being married and would like to move on. So they start with an uncontested NFD and all she's asking is to just split everything down the middle. Well, that's HIS stuff, too, so naturally he's not going to agree to her terms. So her lawyer calls his lawyer and says, "look, we've got him on video camera, we have his emails to the other woman, and it's all over Facebook. If she converts this to a contested divorce for grounds, your client is screwed. My client just wants out. Do you think there's any way you can talk some sense into him?" They'll bat that ball back and forth a few times until they can agree on personal possessions and child custody if applicable, and six months later a judge signs a final decree. If you're the one cheating or beating up on your spouse and you get hit with a NFD, you're smart if you take it because this person is giving you an out without publicly shaming you.

I say if someone is beating you or cheating on you, show no mercy and hold nothing back. Take 'em to the cleaners and eat their lunch. NFD's are a joke, because there is ALWAYS fault somewhere. The only purpose a NFD serves is it allows one or both people to legally perjure themselves and not get called on it. Screw that. If you've done nothing wrong and you're making every effort to reconcile, bury your spouse so deep in paperwork and legal procedure that it takes until this person is 93 years old in a nursing home with senility or dementia before a judge will issue a final decree.


Well, there's really only one really famous case of that happening. The Catholic church was dead on in its stance. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to a powerful monarch. The state has no business dictating theology.

I've wasted enough of my own time here. Final word is yours if you want it. What marriage really is and the purpose it's supposed to serve has been lost. It's used as this thing where people say they're "in love" (puke) and they have these big ceremonies with white dresses and tuxes to show off a little. I don't have all these deep heart-throbs over my wife all day every day. OK, maybe a little bit. But my continued existence and oxygen supply doesn't hang on her every word and deed. For me, "love" is something I express through what I DO. My satisfaction in marriage is not contingent on her ability to reciprocate.

Rather, my view of marriage is almost exactly like that of a contract. Contracts are only as good as the people who agree to them. All a contract does is say "I'm going to provide these goods/services/compensation in exchange for these goods/services/compensation. If I'm unable to hold up my end, we'll handle it this way. If you can't hold up your end, we'll handle it this way. If there's a conflict, we'll handle it this way. And if this happens and it turns out this is a bad deal, the contract wasn't good in the first place and we have no further obligations to each other." You never really get out of the contract because the terms of the contract serve to maintain a certain friendly relationship between two parties. Contracts are meant to establish a symbiosis between two parties.

And my view of marriage is exactly that: Two people who can mutually agree and consent that their interests are best served with each other over the course of a lifetime. If your spouse is a turd to begin with, he or she will continue to be a turd and you'll eventually get served papers. If you're a small-time vendor to a larger-scale business, sure, you can threaten to sue them if they break a contract with you. You know what they'll say? They'll laugh and tell you to go right ahead…because they know good and well that you'll lose more money than you'll get out of them, and even if you were to file suit and win, whatever money they lose is going to be of little consequence. Moral of the story? Don't do business with turds who break promises. And if you wouldn't sign contracts with turds, why on earth would you get married to one?

They'll dump you if they think they can and if they think they've gotten what they want from you in the short term and have no interest in the long-term relationship. Which is why it's important to choose a potential mate from a circle of friends you're already familiar and already have a good working relationship with. This is someone you've seen enough to know how he or she acts when they don't know anyone else is watching. Maybe they've been in LTRs in the past and you've seen how awesome they treat SO's. You KNOW this is a decent person you could spend your life with. So after knowing someone for a while, trying out dating up to a year, you're going to know if it's worth a lifelong commitment. So propose to the poor thing, take a year to work out details, and THEN get started on your life together. This "omigoodness holyfreakincrap I looooooooooooooooooooooove him/her" business is stupid. Be real and be honest and only pursue those willing to be the same.

That is all.