My problem with relationships and age

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Its a well established fact that as adults we are still affected by our childhood experiences. If she was his teacher when he was a child, she had the opportunity to groom him. And his adult choice to date and marry her may have been influenced by grooming.

And I find it unlikely that an adult had no inappropriate feelings and kept and maintained appropriate boundaries, even subconsciously, but then developed those feelings exclusively after the person in question turned 18. The whole thing feels highly suspicious to me.

The thing I don't understand about the debate of relationships with large age gaps is that when men go for much younger women, it's often seen as not a good thing, but when it's the other way around, it's seen as the woman getting a reward, and people have more of a 'you go girl' attitude about it, like they have earned a reward.

However, it's a lot easier for a much older woman to seduce a younger a guy, then it is for a much older guy to seduce a younger woman. Therefore, since it's a lot easier for a woman, to do so, why is it considered to be more of a reward for when it a woman does it, when it's easier for a woman to do it, and thus less rewarding of it's easy in comparison?

False. Intellectually and experiential, a person is not the same. But emotionally they can be barely altered.


True.

I agree with this. I used to have a friend who was a high school teacher. He had multiple relationships with ex-students. They were never students at the time, but of course that's how he met them. So on one level it wasn't wrong, but always felt creepy. And if someone never has relationships with people their own age, you can't help but wonder why.

We had two highschool teachers in 1981 who was openly doing this. They would get invited to the highschool graduation party and would hit on girls, One was a male physical education teacher and the other was the economics teacher. They got away with it because the girls were technically school leavers.

One extraordinary thing was the library had a copy of a book called (and this is true!) "How to pick up and date School Girls". This was 1981 so there was no electronic cards so borrowers needed to enter their name on the borrowing record which was a label taped to the front cover with the borrowers name and the date the book is due. The names of about 20 people would be listed before the librarian would remove the label and replace it with new one.

The big joke was the only people who borrowed the book were the two aforementioned male teachers, I still remember their names and am tempted to dox them here (they were literally paedophiles) but the fact is it was an open secret they were 40-45 year old men sleeping with girls who were 17-18 years old. I am still amazed to this day they were not fired or thrown in jail.

Last edited by cyberdad on 12 Feb 2022, 6:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

^ that’s because 2 decades ago it was considered normal for 30-40s old guys to date 17-19 yo girls. I remember some girls in my class in senior year used to boast about their much older boyfriends. And wait for them friday after school to be picked up in their cars.

so many hot teachers that i wished would have payed good attention to me back in the day.

Yes it was culturally acceptable, I remember watching a teenage drama in 1980 produced by the BBC where the old 50 year old male music teacher had the hots for a young girl who wore outrageous school girl outfits. She eventually was convinced by her friends to distract the teacher so they could break into the school and steal stuff. Distraction mean't the 16 year old girl seducing the teacher and making out with him in his office.

I think it's important to distinguish fantasy from reality, and people who have been taken advantage of as children have a lot of anger and flashbacks they hate even themselves for. I don't wish that upon any person romanticizing with the idea. I really think OP speaks from experience when he explains how bothersome it is but also evidence is better than fantasies of people who have never been through it. As an unaware child you really feel powerless, and that follows you throughout your lifetime.

So yes it may be a pleasant fantasy but in reality it's very much a nightmare. It affects your relationship with everyone, because you're locked in silence. That world can be very alone, frightening and painful.

I get the deep need of incels or solos to have and gain, to experience and be successful and to have the time of their life so that they won't regret but that doesn't come anywhere near that fulfillment. There is a lot of regret and injustice.

I also would steer from the consensus that girls aren't horny or curious and teenage boys are. Or the whole blue balls theories, and no blue ovaries, as it was discovered a similar reaction in females. Or men being animals and women fairies.

I think a lot of virgin males are strongly horny and in 2022 with online porn/onlyfans girls their frustration is probably only worse. Yeah I get young females can get frustrated too, but the males are more likely to externalise their frustration in terms of aggression or suicidal ideation.

how many lonely unwanted women decide to end it all, compared to men?

Mu understanding (and I'm no expert) is that women attempt suicide more often but usually don't go through with it. I think men commit suicide over girls/employment whereas for women it's depression over how they look or how they are treated by their female peers.

I'm curious what your evidence for that is.

Here are some videos of clinical psychologists talking about the issues surrounding age gap relationships:





Some interesting points:

-In contrast to common belief, women actually tend to prefer younger men.

-Women married to older men tend report the least satisfaction, while women married to younger men report the highest satisfaction.

-Age gap relationships are associated with higher levels of depression.

-Women in age gap marriages, whether older or younger than their husbands, typically have shorter life spans.

As always, these discussions assume neuronormativity. I don't understand how these issues would play out in my personal situation. Women my age are typically much more experienced than me in relationships, have been mothers for half their lives, and have been established in their careers and financially stable for a much longer time than me. While the women that are closer to me in terms of life experience are typically at least 15 years younger than me.

Basically, there just aren't any women who are appropriate for me at this point. Its just too late for me.

Theres plenty of articles on gender differences in response to social stress

All people are faced with situations in their lives when the odds are stacked up against them.