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Relationship/Dating Lessons Learned

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Grisha
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03 Feb 2011, 10:34 am

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See, this is what I don't get. Perhaps I misspoke. I have great self-esteem (at least the way I understand it), I just find no comfort in other people. That is to say: I'm my own favorite person, and there's just no one else I feel comfortable enough with, to want to spend an inordinate amount of time with. It's a matter of rigidity, not self-esteem. It's also a matter of having had to figure out the "rules" - what are compromisable situations, what are not; when the little compromises have added up to too much yielding, overall, etc. I know I'm stronger than most people, that's why I'm willing to compromise more, at least at first. It's only over time when I start to resent all I've had to do (and it's probably not all that much, or is "normal" to most people), that the relationship starts feeling less worthy to me. Do you know what I mean?


I (think) I know what you mean. I'm a very independent person too. My ideal relationship would be more like committed, monogamous room-mates, who "date" each other rather often than what I imagine the "traditional" relationship is supposed to be.

I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too...



mv
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03 Feb 2011, 10:40 am

Grisha wrote:
Quote:
See, this is what I don't get. Perhaps I misspoke. I have great self-esteem (at least the way I understand it), I just find no comfort in other people. That is to say: I'm my own favorite person, and there's just no one else I feel comfortable enough with, to want to spend an inordinate amount of time with. It's a matter of rigidity, not self-esteem. It's also a matter of having had to figure out the "rules" - what are compromisable situations, what are not; when the little compromises have added up to too much yielding, overall, etc. I know I'm stronger than most people, that's why I'm willing to compromise more, at least at first. It's only over time when I start to resent all I've had to do (and it's probably not all that much, or is "normal" to most people), that the relationship starts feeling less worthy to me. Do you know what I mean?


I (think) I know what you mean. I'm a very independent person too. My ideal relationship would be more like committed, monogamous room-mates, who "date" each other rather often than what I imagine the "traditional" relationship is supposed to be.

I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too...


Yes! Thank you, Grisha. I have a terrible time with expressing myself just right, and this is a really good way to put it. I often get a sense, too, that my age and circumstances (mid-40's, with kids) gives me a much different life/dating context (?) than most of the people on this forum.

Thanks so much to ben10scotland for his kind words, too.



Erisad
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03 Feb 2011, 4:37 pm

Exercise caution around a significant other's parents. If you do something they don't like (even if you don't realize it), they may sabotage the relationship and not care about the damage they're causing. :/

Be wary of someone that's significantly more attractive than you are. Others may try to steal them from you. In my case, they succeeded.

That's all I got for now. I'm feeling a tad bitter right about now. Sorry about that. :/



zen_mistress
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03 Feb 2011, 5:04 pm

Erisad, if someone treated you in a way that is not nice, they didnt deserve you anyway. Hopefully next time you will find someone nicer.


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Kiseki
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03 Feb 2011, 9:55 pm

Not relationships, but I have screwed up friendships with girls I liked more than friends.

1) Don't follow them around everywhere like a dog
2) Don't tell them about how you never connect with anyone, yet you feel connected to them
3) Don't get upset if they don't email you right away
4) Don't tell them you're in love with them and think they're perfect etc.
5) Don't try to get sympathy from them by telling them you are depressed in your life and have no friends

All of the above I did...and not many years ago either. It's no wonder people run away from me :(


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Erisad
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04 Feb 2011, 7:42 am

zen_mistress wrote:
Erisad, if someone treated you in a way that is not nice, they didnt deserve you anyway. Hopefully next time you will find someone nicer.


But my most recent ex was nice, so nice that he couldn't stand up to his own f*****g mother and left me alone. And lord only knows how long it will be before I find someone else. I won't open another account on OkCupid until I graduate to avoid the whole "distance" issue and I probably won't find anyone good in my area. I hate conservative Pennsylvania. When I had my home address as my location, most of my matches came from Philadelphia or Baltimore, two very far away places that I could never live in because I would probably be mugged, raped and shot on the first day. :/



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04 Feb 2011, 7:55 am

*hugs* for Erisad
I guess the sad thing is that families are things that we're sort of stuck with, and unless he was going to move out, his mother probably would have made his life fairly unbearable. This might seem like a weird question, or I might be taking an oversimplistic view of the situation, but why do you have to move back home when you graduate if you don't like it there? Honestly, after I graduated I couldn't comprehend the idea of living with my parents again. If you can find a room to rent in a shared house (and can deal with the shared house thing) then the cost isn't too high as long as you have some sort of job (in England this is the case anyway).



Erisad
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04 Feb 2011, 8:28 am

Gremmie wrote:
*hugs* for Erisad
I guess the sad thing is that families are things that we're sort of stuck with, and unless he was going to move out, his mother probably would have made his life fairly unbearable. This might seem like a weird question, or I might be taking an oversimplistic view of the situation, but why do you have to move back home when you graduate if you don't like it there? Honestly, after I graduated I couldn't comprehend the idea of living with my parents again. If you can find a room to rent in a shared house (and can deal with the shared house thing) then the cost isn't too high as long as you have some sort of job (in England this is the case anyway).


Because I wouldn't be able to afford it. Not to mention my mom kinda is doing something similar, "you are NOT moving out until at least a year after you start working." Great. I would have planted myself at a job for a year and would have to find another job once I move. She's trying to keep me at home forever. >.<



emlion
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04 Feb 2011, 8:30 am

Erisad wrote:
Gremmie wrote:
*hugs* for Erisad
I guess the sad thing is that families are things that we're sort of stuck with, and unless he was going to move out, his mother probably would have made his life fairly unbearable. This might seem like a weird question, or I might be taking an oversimplistic view of the situation, but why do you have to move back home when you graduate if you don't like it there? Honestly, after I graduated I couldn't comprehend the idea of living with my parents again. If you can find a room to rent in a shared house (and can deal with the shared house thing) then the cost isn't too high as long as you have some sort of job (in England this is the case anyway).


Because I wouldn't be able to afford it. Not to mention my mom kinda is doing something similar, "you are NOT moving out until at least a year after you start working." Great. I would have planted myself at a job for a year and would have to find another job once I move. She's trying to keep me at home forever. >.<


at times it makes me glad i have no parents at all. >.<



Erisad
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04 Feb 2011, 1:04 pm

emlion wrote:
Erisad wrote:
Gremmie wrote:
*hugs* for Erisad
I guess the sad thing is that families are things that we're sort of stuck with, and unless he was going to move out, his mother probably would have made his life fairly unbearable. This might seem like a weird question, or I might be taking an oversimplistic view of the situation, but why do you have to move back home when you graduate if you don't like it there? Honestly, after I graduated I couldn't comprehend the idea of living with my parents again. If you can find a room to rent in a shared house (and can deal with the shared house thing) then the cost isn't too high as long as you have some sort of job (in England this is the case anyway).


Because I wouldn't be able to afford it. Not to mention my mom kinda is doing something similar, "you are NOT moving out until at least a year after you start working." Great. I would have planted myself at a job for a year and would have to find another job once I move. She's trying to keep me at home forever. >.<


at times it makes me glad i have no parents at all. >.<


In the future, I'm only dating orphans. I have a hard enough time dealing with my parents so being able to impress someone else's is waaay too hard for me. D:



Moog
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04 Feb 2011, 1:10 pm

Learning is for dweebs.

Just kidding.


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Dione
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04 Feb 2011, 1:11 pm

I have had four relationships; three NTs, one is my husband, who is very certain that both he and I have AS.
First tip: if neither of you can drive and you live across town from each other, it generally doesn't work. Although maybe that's because public transit's terrible where I come from.
Second tip: if you date a guy who talks constantly about the imperfections of his ex girlfriends, he is probably going to be nit picky with you. Also, be careful how you and your friends word things; I had a friend who said that I had a boyfriend to one of my exes right after I broke it off with him, and he thought I had cheated on him. I had to hang out with a friend from work because of it.
Third tip: if a guy tells you he doesn't want to touch you until he can think things through, it means he isn't sure if he likes you that way.
Fourth tip: if a guy tells you about a girl that he likes that lives near him before you express interest, abort, because you will likely only get your feelings hurt.
Fifth tip: Never mention exes to your current significant other's mother. She pretty much only wants to hear that her child is fantastic, and no, comparing them positively does not cut it.
Sixth tip: Never talk about your romantic moments with your significant other's mother. She doesn't appreciate hearing how well her child can kiss.



Gremmie
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04 Feb 2011, 2:07 pm

Erisad wrote:
In the future, I'm only dating orphans. I have a hard enough time dealing with my parents so being able to impress someone else's is waaay too hard for me. D:


:lol: People who live independently and miles away from their parents are fairly simple too - you've then only got to deal with the other parents very rarely and they have no direct say over things.



Gremmie
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04 Feb 2011, 2:10 pm

p.s. apologies if laughing is insensitive... just amused by the idea of a dating advert requesting responses from orphans only...



emlion
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04 Feb 2011, 2:10 pm

Gremmie wrote:
Erisad wrote:
In the future, I'm only dating orphans. I have a hard enough time dealing with my parents so being able to impress someone else's is waaay too hard for me. D:


:lol: People who live independently and miles away from their parents are fairly simple too - you've then only got to deal with the other parents very rarely and they have no direct say over things.


Yeah, living independently is a big plus.



Erisad
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04 Feb 2011, 3:54 pm

Gremmie wrote:
Erisad wrote:
In the future, I'm only dating orphans. I have a hard enough time dealing with my parents so being able to impress someone else's is waaay too hard for me. D:


:lol: People who live independently and miles away from their parents are fairly simple too - you've then only got to deal with the other parents very rarely and they have no direct say over things.


It's okay. It is a rather funny idea. XD

I guess I'm tired of other people ruining my relationships. Stupid third parties. *mumble grumble*