desperate NT girl who needs your help!

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It is not about race but about culture. I am very linked to mine so , for me, it would not be easy to adapt to someone who is not from my culture. That is all really. There is no such thing as racism in this aspect

We'll just have to agree to disagree. I wasn't trying to hijack your thread or anything like that. Someone mentioned what I was thinking and I commented.
No I'm not including the Germans in this. I was at Oktoberfest with my friend and her family who incidentally has a black father and a German mother (who was also there and who will only date black men! Lol) I was just making a little joke there.

No that's okay everyone is entitled to their opinion

Ohh yeaahh! (koolaid man bursts through the door dressed as a sumo wrestler) I want 2 go 2 nagasaki, osaka, then tokyo, it will be a very fun time! (I dance off into a a market in tokyo crowded with otakus whilst dressed in a brown chalk striped suit set with a brown bowler cap and brown leather pointers) *hardcore j-tech and German Metal playing loud in boombox subwoofers I mounted on my backpack as I dance accidentally on the stage at anime convention and people actually like it* Bowchikawowow! Shazaam!

Last edited by appletheclown on 26 Apr 2013, 8:10 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I'm gonna get one of those belts that uses electrodes to make your muscles expand and contract.....

Last edited by appletheclown on 26 Apr 2013, 8:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

(First substantive post here, forgive me if anything is off-base. I probably come off sounding way more authoritative than I should, but it is very easy for me to put myself in this guy's shoes.)

I read the whole thread today and want to jump in now. In short, yes, that sounds like a really bad idea. In his mind, even if he still likes you, you closed the door in his face and he would be rude (or an idiot) to go knocking again, so you have to be the one to open it up. The proxy gift is risky because it could easily come across as a token of non-romantic friendship, or even an impersonal formality (Aspies have enough trouble with facial expressions, what are we supposed to read into an inanimate object?). If you never actually told him your feelings in words, then anything but a direct confession at your next interaction will be taken by him as a sign that you just want to be friends after all. Of course, confession opens you up to rejection if he really has moved on, but if you're not comfortable being that direct then (sorry to be blunt) this might not be a match made in heaven.

I think the others are right that your biggest problem is the trust you broke by saying something you didn't mean ("I don't want to contact you again"). The only way to repair that trust is to come clean with the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Tell him point blank that you *do* want a romantic relationship with him, that you were being irrational and didn't mean it when you cut him off, that you were expecting a response from him that you now understand he is unable give, and that you won't do it again. The only way he'll be able to trust you is if he knows you have changed in the time since you hurt him, that you are intentionally seeking him out, and that what you're saying this time (and in the future) is sincere.

Sooner is probably better than later, since the longer you wait the more time he spends thinking you don't like him. Doing it at the party might completely overload him, or make it seem like you only remembered him because of the party. Don't expect an answer right away, or take offense if he can't think of anything to say. Tell him to call you when he's ready to talk and give him a month or so to sort it out for himself. Don't play any games with proxies or "chance" encounters--either he will write them off as actual coincidences or just get even more confused. Assuming it's after your confession, just give him the gift in person at the party, even if he hasn't responded to it yet.

There's a chance he was hurt so much that he won't want a relationship even after your explanation. If he does, there will probably still be a part of him afraid that you will have another emotional outburst that he won't be able to understand. The only way to ease that fear is to talk about it and demonstrate self-control over time. But if all this works out, it sounds like he's lucky to have someone like you in his life.

I probably got something horribly wrong in this analysis, or that I'm reading way too much into his or your behavior, so let's see what the others think once they're back on topic.

I would just let it be too if it were me. Guys generally do not like to be chased after.

I still can't see why you want him this badly. You haven't listed any attraction factors other than he's from the same "culture" (whichever that is. Romani? Muslim? Chechen? I don't know and I wonder why the mystery.) Is he the only male from your culture? I don't get it.

It sounds a little bit like obsession.

I did not know I was supposed to list all the things that attract me to him in total. I could have done this from the start but the post would have ended up to be 3 pages long alone -_-.

Anyway, in order to satisfy you ( and possibly anyone else who cannot understand why a woman can be attracted to a man and like him this much, I will do so) :

1.We have the same interests, almost entirely and read the same books and same movies

2. we laugh about the same things and he likes to quote funny sayings just as I do

3. I love his childish ways because they match with my childish ways

4. I love the way he dances and the way he dances with me

5. I get shivers down my whole body when I sit next to him or he touches me

6. We have the same view on family, relationships etc.

7. I can come up to him with the weirdest, quirkiest topic and he will listen and engage and not find it weird

8. He stands up for me

9. He never talks badly about anyone or anything and is super respectful towards everyone

10. I can be myself around him. And I have always felt I cannot be that around anyone else ESPECIALLY people in my culture because they are so pressed about behaving in a certain way but he does not expect me to on the contrary encourages me to be myself

11. He is super intelligent!! ! ( as expected)

I guess there are many small little other things that he does and did that make me feel for him this way but I think those there are sufficient enough for now

Funny you want to date an aspie, then. I don't know about others, but I kind of have a culture all my own. It shares multiple similarities and differences with cultures across the globe, including the one in which I grew up.

If you are so intolerant of other ethnicities, or "culture" or whatever you call it, how do you think you can be tolerant of other neurological configurations? The latter is a much bigger difference than the former.

okay NOW THIS IS ENOUGH! this is going out of hand!

WHO SAYS THIS IS ABOUT INTOLERANCE? IT IS A PREFERENCEEE!! !!


if some men or women happen to like brown or blonde hair coloured people it does not make them INTOLERANT TO THE REST of the world! I live in another culture ( as a child of immigrants) so for me it is important to safe that bit of my own as long as I can and I FEEL CLOSER TO SOMEONE WHO SHARES THIS. THAT does not MEAN I am intolerant or I disrefard others cultures and ways of living as I have plenty of friends from other cultures yet I STILL PREFER to have a husband who is from my culture ASPIE OR NOT. This does not mean I could not lead a happy life with a guy who is from another culture I would just not prefer to! WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THIS TO UNDERSTAND? nobody is talking about intolerance or racism or whatever IT IS PREFERENCE based on personal values and beliefs now could you please be a bit more tolerant towards my values and my beliefs and stop this nonsense of accusations?! thanks!

Another example of political correctness out of control... today, one is not allowed to have preferences - a man (less so for women) is forced to find everyone attractive (or at least give everyone "equal opportunity".) What works for hiring practices does NOT work for dating or who one finds attractive.

Funny that few people force the gay to date the opposite gender, as that would be considered "insensitive".

I see nothing wrong with preferring to date someone who shares the same cultural background... PROVIDED it's not a show of hatred for anyone outside that culture.

Give her a break, guys. Some cultures from the balkans are quite endogenous, as the gypsies ones, for example. I don't specially like it, but harassing a person is not the right way of dealing with people. Many aspies claim to be harassed by NTs. Perhaps in an aspie forum more consideration should be showed because of this.



I completely disagree.

Of course, it's up to her to step on and put the cards over the table. But in this case, surprises are never welcome. A relation is something serious, being asked out suddenly without having thought about it can be quite disagreable.

In my opinion, showing some signs is a good idea. He should suspect (not know for sure, but suspect) that he still has chances, so he can think about it and be prepared. Now it's up to her to step on and ask him out, but it's a good idea to show slowly that she changed her mind instead of throwing suddenly the whole thing over him.

I agree with greb but as an NT I might not know which one truly applies to my aspie. I just think that he is not mad at me, because he wished me a belated birthday but I think he simply is respecting my decision and he might feel as if he disappointed me.

I am a bit afraid of labelling him with AS though, because I know of many women who would label a man anything just to justify the way he treats them but in this case I have to really state that ; my guy is not an a**hole, I know this and I feel this and he never displayed behaviour to intentionally hurt me. The hurt that was caused, was caused by my insecurities and his inability to adapt to my need. So what makes me pursue this still if I think that he cannot meet my needs? - I think he only could not meet them because he did not know where we stand, same as I did not know it. I think if he knew he was supposed to behave like a boyfriend ( and obviouisly wanted to be one) and knew I WANTED HIM TO BE A BOYFRIEND he would have tried to. I have met many a**holes in my life and YES like many women have been delusional and excuused their behaviour until I could not excuse it anymore but with him...it is not that. <--- I just felt like saying this once and for all, for all those people who would think I am falsely labelling him or something.

Additional information:

I remember he expressed some sort of jealousy once: I had put up a status on facebook saying " my baby is coming back soon yeyyy" ( I was talking about my best friend of seven years , female, who studies a few hours away from me and was coming for the weekend) and he immediatly messaged me a minute later asking " who is baby?" me : " what do you mean?" him: " your status, who is your baby?" me : " I mean ( name of my best friend) " him : did not message back anymore. I dont know what this was but he even mentioned it at dinner again when I said " why did you ask me that anyway?" and he said " well...I wanted to know who you call like that"


I was friend with his brother before and used to complain to his brother how ALL MEN who I genuinely wanted to be friends with and ONLY friends would always mistake it for more. ( maybe his brother told him this and it made him more anxious?)

Shortly before he started becoming distant , we had this phone conversation in which I stated how tired I was about everyone bugging me ( I actually meant everyone but him) and how everyone wanted and seemed to want my attention and it was draining me ( at that time all my friends seemed to go through some issues and although I love helping people it was becoming too much)...<-- wonder if he missunderstood this as me needing space from him too? he also said " seems like you need a time out" and mentioned that he would not care to be alone and away from everyone for a month or more " I am like that. When my phone got lost I was reliefed for a week to not have to answer it or call anyone" ??

so 5 weeks before I broke it off and when he started to become distant, he started his new masters course at university, failed to get that part time job and told me that he was " broke and needed money so he could even drive to uni" etc. etc. So maybe this all was rather stressfull to him and it made him think that a relationship would not be possible at the time, as long as he was broke...so he tried to slow it down? I also was very confident that he would get the part time job as an engineer and it seems like he did not get it. Maybe he felt like he was disappointing me?

He would tell me that he thought " many girls feel intimitated by" me and that he did not think that they could put up with me and that made them hate me or dislike me for no reason ( in our wide circle of mutual friends there are girls who seem to really dislike me for really no apparent reason as they dont even know me) he also told me that first time he met me, he wanted to talk to me so bad but that he was afraid to come over. He said ; " I knew you from facebook but everybody else knew you too. Everybody knows you and they all liked you and were around you so I felt like I didnt want to be the awkward guy to come over and talk to you because then they would say ; oh look at the stranger talking to (my name) " * oh the confusion*

MY MAIN ISSUE IS THAT : I am wondering if I misinterpreted all those signs and it was platonic friendship from the start on his part? If I had some sort of security that it was indeed more then it would help me be more confident to lay ALL MY CARDS on the table.

You sound a bit defensive. I didn't say you had to make a list of every thing about him that attracts you. You took the word list literally. I said that all you said attracted you was having the same culture.

That is too vague to give valid advice on, and you had asked for advice.

I still find this all a bit circular, and so I'm dropping out of this topic. Bye.

I am curious why you would immigrate to a country if you didn't intend to assimilate into the local culture. I would never do this. Anyway, I do count cultural superiority as a type of intolerance. In my country, it's like the white people who passed the miscegenation laws. Those are my personal values and beliefs. Why aren't you respecting them?

Seconded