abstaining from premarital sex, thoughts?

Post Reply New Topic

Abstaining? Not just no, but hell no. If you have a problem with finding partners that won't cheat, it's better to find them before you get engaged or even married.

Yeah, it's tough. But it's tougher if you engaged in some vows of matrimony and especially more difficult if you have children. Find better guys.

Sex (especially cheating) can be symptomatic of a deeper issue. It's a core aspect of a healthy relationship, particularly early on as it's a reflection of intimacy and trust between two partners. Now, if the trust & intimacy is already there (e.g. you're both 99) then I can see foregoing the need for sex, but the intimacy is still going to be a necessary aspect for the couple.

I said I was gonna do the same thing--and it had nothing to do with religious reasons--and yet I wound up "sort of" doing it a year after I started dating; I only "kinda" did it twice. I don't think people want me to get too graphic here.

I did keep what I did from my friends during the entire relationship, thinking I'd finally just claim I had it on my wedding night; then the breakup happened, and I came clean and told them I did; one friend was very angry with me for keeping it from him.

Now...I have no idea what I'm gonna do for future relationships.

Doing what I did proved to me I'm so incredibly confused with the world of sex, and as usual no one seems to have any really good advice about it.

I think the best thing I can do is explain what happened to the next (and hopefully the Right One) that I date, and she can work with me, and we can figure it out.

Trust me: how you think it's all gonna go down, and how it actually does will be two completely different things.

I have to vehemently disagree. Having sex too soon can create a false sense of intimacy. You should have sex with a person only when you feel safe in the relationship (meaning there is trust and you have already shared some other kind of intimacy). That seems to be the concern you have, finding a partner you can feel safe with. There are many other types of intimacy besides physical intimacy. A romantic relationship is about sharing those other types of intimacy in addition to physical intimacy. Otherwise, it would just be causal sex.

The worst relationships I have ever had started with physical intimacy and then a commitment followed. I stayed way too long in those relationships because I didn't want to give up the sex. I didn't like being with the person when we weren't having sex, but sex feels better than masturbation, so I tolerated the person. The commitment should come first, and then the sex. That is the safest thing to do emotionally (in my opinion). It's a lot easier to break up with someone if you never had sex with them. You don't necessarily have to be married, but you don't have to rush things either. If the guy cares about you, he will be willing to wait until you are comfortable.

As someone who's had more than my fair share of casual sex, I pretty much fully agree with all of this. A small part of what attracts me to my crush is the simple fact that we've never had sex and he's not interested in sex outside of a committed loving relationship. I suppose in a small way it's one of those "we all want what we can't have," sorts of things.. kinda. But anyways, yeah, I'm one of those people that cares so much about my crush that even if we did begin dating I'd still wait as long as he wanted before getting naked & intimate.. which is a quite a bit out of the ordinary for me, and also a small part of how I know I love him. So, yeah, feels.. I get that.

marriage is a scam and all the benefits of marriage are for the woman.

I want premarital sex and if some woman starts going on about waiting.... she aint going to see me again. She can find a weaker man with a lower sex drive and push him around, but she's not going to push me around.

A committed relationship is different, it's something all intelligent people can do on their own without the government and priests. there's no need to spend 20 thousand dollars on a party or buy rings and dresses or any of that material crap. If a girl goes on and on about marriage, I'll just assume she wants my money. most marriages end badly, but outside of marriage how many long term relationships end so badly you need lawyers and courts and the government to sort it out? hardly any.

^ This. That said, I personally support your choice to abstain.

I also agree with XJ220RACER. Sexual purity is a lost art. I grew up without religious context or teaching, and still I value people treating their own body as a temple. You have the choice.

Halfmadgenius, I'm sorry about your past situations. That's heartbreaking! Just know that not all men are such jerks. I know this firsthand. It's still evident in the world. You'll run into your man when you least expect it. I wish you the best.

You shouldn´t do sex, because its the third date, just as you shouldn´t do sex, because now "on the second I know the guy for 90 days". You should have sex, when you and your partner have feel on your own the need to have sex with the opposite, not earlier and not later. If one of the two does not feel so until a marriage, whyever, then you shouldn´t do it. I saw nothing wrong about me wanting sex sometimes when I met someone for the first time, because noone is hurted, as long as both want it. Just as I see nothing wrong about someone needing far more time, because if you have sex, when you actually dont feel the need to it, then its anyway no sex but only physical humping around, that will be ruining your relationship, because of it turning sex into a mechanical annoying unpleasant stuff, instead of something good and nice that it should be. If a partner says, that him/her feels that to be of a problem and that he wants to end relationship, thats ok. So everyone is free to choose on its own, what feels fine for him/her and to search for an relationship, that he/she feels happy with. But if he wants to pressure his/her partner into having sex, when the partner actually does feel no need for it, he/she is simply an a**hole instead of an partner, because then he/she only cares for him/herself being happy, and not for the relationship = you two both being happy in the relationship. So no cause to bother yourself for loosing such people in your life. You should always try to work on finding solutions for problems that fits both partners, but if it doesn´t work, that´s life and no need to blame or try to manipulate to become the way you want it.

No.

The concern I have with abstaining is that if the sex is bad (and yes, you can have bad sex) or nonexistent, then it can bode ill for the relationship in the long run. In addition, if you have trust/intimacy prior to marriage, then what's the point of abstaining? Marriage is simply an artificial line in the temporal sand, and the people in the relationship before and after marriage are the same, hence abstaining serves no purpose except to create an artificial sense of anticipation which may not be justifiable.

If you are talking to men who are offended when you wish to only have marital sex, your talking to men who want either fwb, or sex. There is no point in talking to men who are as callas as to be offended by a woman wishing to stay abstinent, its your body, not theirs. If men act this way don't put up with them. They haven't even had the decency to befriend you or be a part of your life, let alone see you in person.

I speak of these dating site fellows.

Abstaining keeps you from ruining lives of little children, the opposite gender, and family relations. I find it better to follow what my parents say. And hey, not all religious parents are dictators. My parents almost seem to be dreaming of grandchildren. "Did you meet a special lady while you were there?", sometimes they are just teasing though, and it actually gets a little annoying. But it is glad to know they would support things like l&d.