Desparate for a Relationship...

Post Reply New Topic

I serve as an older friend/mentor to Bonnie, an amazing and incredibly sweet girl with AS who is high school.

Bonnie is very high functioning, but the main thing she struggles with is reciprocity. In conversation, she focuses on herself and her very strong interests. Even a slight change of topic will make her tune out. She loves music and is a very talented singer, guitarist and performer. She also loves Hannah Montana and pop music and is really innocent for her age. Not suprisingly, it's hard for her to relate to people her own age. Her 18th birthday consisted of her performing for some people while they talked amongst themselves, without anyone being truly interested in her. I felt bad for her the whole time.

I've especially been concerned with Bonnie lately as she seems very desparate to get a boyfriend. She has been with guys who have been initially attracted to her because of her looks (she's incredibly attractive)...but afterwards they lose interest in her because she is only focused on herself and her interests.

The other thing she does is go up to guys she barely knows or has even initiated a friendship with and asks them out. This especially concerns me because not only is she made fun of for it, this could also lead her into a situation where she'll be taken advantage of, especially as she gets older. She'll also do the same thing at school dances, where she'll ask random cute guys to dance with her and unfortunately wind up rejected.

I realize that relationships are a priority for high school girls, but I think that for now she needs to focus on how to form a genuine friendship, which I think needs to happen in order to for her to have a relationship with someone. Relationships are about give and take: if you can't take an active interest in someone, how can you expect them to take an active interest in you?

She's even started a facebook group dedicated to her pursuit of a relationship and hopes that local guys will audition to become her "Prince Charming".

Realistically, I know that this isn't going to work out for her and she's going to end up disappointed.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions or strategies on how I can deal with this. Should I try to focus on maintaining a friendship rather than just jumping into a relationship (which is not how things usually work)?

Yea, no matter how attractive a girl is, she will not be able to find a decent relationship by randomly asking out guys. If she does get a guy, he wont be good, he'll just take an advantage of her.
It sounds like her AS is pretty severe. She's a girl and wants to date, so if she wants to do this, she has to learn to be considerate of others' feelings and a little bit of social skills. She doesnt have to be a mac daddy or an alpha female, thats all that stupid NT guy stuff. She just needs to learn basic social skills or else she will end up with a broken heart.
I really dont know what to do, her problem is just as bad as a guy who would have this problem. The answer is obviously her social skills need to improve because she scares guys away

Guys dont get scared because they think its weirs like girls would.
Men get scared of being rushed into having to commit to a relationship, when they have no feelings toward the women (she needs to understand this).
If she went up saying "do you wanna have sex"..she'd have better luck, but hel no, no way, thats not good.

She needs to improve her social skills, like conversations starting, just enough to get a guy calm around her enough to know who she is

I hope I'm not going to embarrass myself here, but if all she's interested in music why not join a music club and try to meet a boy there? Worth a try isn't it?

Raven's suggestion is a good one.

It sounds like this girl's main problem is her self-centeredness and lack of empathy. We do know lack of empathy is an issue for AS folks, and hers sounds surprisingly strong.

Being on the milder side of AS, I have to ask -- is there any kind of behavioral or medical treatment for this? Her narcissism sounds like it is on the extreme end, to the point where you could easily have a psychiatrist make a diagnosis. It sounds like it's to the point where it is really getting in the way of her life. It's understandable she wants a boyfriend, but what for? Does she understand that this person will have emotional needs and will want to be heard and listened to as well, or does she think a boyfriend is a permanent audience for her performances? The answers to these questions will determine whether she is ready for a boyfriend, or whether one will cause even more problems in her life.

Honestly the relationship jungle is tough as it is and if the other party feels that you are picking up on their "signals" then it will turn out to be an epic failure. I would second working on the social skills but to anneurysm can Bonnie's parents help her with the social skills as well? I know that you are acting as a friend/mentor to her but I think that they could help out as well (telling what needs to be done in a relationship as in a step by step kind of method). It's a stupid thought but it just might work