How many times have you been rejected?

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I feel like it's starting to coalesce for the first time in my life, but god damn, how long does this take and what is it that facilitates the process? I suspect in my case, I'm going to have to learn completely by trial and error many times through numerous rejections. You can start the thread if you want.

I've been imbibing in a significant quantity of beer tonight, so take this with a grain (or a whole box) of salt, but I'll try to explain as best I can.

I was a virgin up until Sept. 13 of last year. So basically I was a 22-year-old virgin. During the summer of 2008, after having experienced the full brunt of Asperger's and the hell of being nearly shut off from reality in my first year of college, I decided I didn't like who I was, and that I was going to change my life no matter what. The first order of business was to get a car and get my driver's license. I didn't get my license until August of last year, by the way.

Getting a car and a license was a huge step, as I was now able to go on dates at my own convenience. I had never been on a date before, but this was a big step in building my confidence. To any Aspies who aren't driving due to the overwhelming nature of it, I highly recommend diving head-first into it and practicing, with the end result in mind. It's difficult, but the returns are incredible. This is a huge step toward independence.

Later in the summer I ended up registering at OKcupid.com after hearing some good reviews about the site. I thought this would be a good idea, since there's really not much to do around here that I'm aware of. I ended up losing my virginity to a woman who I met over the site, and ended up briefly seeing two others.

None of those three women ended up wanting the same type of relationship as me, but it did give me the confidence that I so disparately needed. I learned that yes, there were women out there who were interested in guys like me.

I ended up meeting my current girlfriend, who I am deeply in love with, through a former room-mate. I had been interested in her from the first time I met her, since she was in the same major as I was (electrical engineering) and also shared some other interests with me. It didn't hurt that I found her very attractive as well. Anyway, after my room-mate was dating her for a couple of months, it started to become apparent that he wanted to have two girlfriends at the same time. Not only did I observe him getting closer to another female friend of ours, but his current-and-soon-to-be-my girlfriend confided in me that something was amiss. He eventually he broke it off with her in favor of this other girl.

About a month went by, and Jen and I had been doing various activities during that time, such as watching movies late into the night, and taking trips during the day to go shooting. One night (January 10, 2009) I finally had the courage to simply ask her if she would be interested in dating me. those were pretty much my exact words to her: "would you consider dating me?". She said yes with a huge smile, and we've been together ever since.

Simply put, all it took was my desire to change who I was. I ran straight into my fears and discovered a world of rewards waiting beyond. I still have a long way to go, and Asperger's is still a significant factor in my life. However, I'm much happier for having taken some terribly frightful risks.

No I have not, because I have NEVER had a women come on to me, ask me out, ect.. I have always been the one asking people out.

Wow.... Though I prefer to maintain an anonymous (won't use my real name or tell enough about myself to be recognized) profile here due to the highly personal and potentially embarrassing stuff I reveal, sometimes I wish I could meet some of you guys in the lonely hearts club so I could see for myself what the issue is. I say this because I know horrible, nasty people who have multiple girls after them, yet aren't handsome or that promising by any standard. Meanwhile, I'm reasonably sure that most of you guys are really nice, caring, moral or ethical people who deserve far more than you are getting out of life. Something is going awry somewhere in a major way, and I don't think it has to do with looks or personality.

I can't help but think that maybe the Aspie-ness is making you blind to those who might be interested in you. It just seems so counter to nature and chance that a man should have such a problem, especially at your age, at finding someone.

Have you looked into online dating? I keep on thinking that perhaps you are trying to draw from the wrong pool of people.

More than I can count. Of course, without all those rejections, I wouldn't have had any of my success either. Nobody bats 1000, and more steps to the plate can only make you better.

I'm on 3/6. Of those 3 only one could potentially have gone somewhere (unless I was totally oblivious to any problems) but events intervened, the other two went sour almost immediately.

In terms of people coming on to me, I've never noticed it, but I suspect it may have happened a few times and I've had no idea. I've noticed girls coming onto other people, but this may have been after some back and forth flirting completely off my radar.

Yes I have. Either the people I send messages to don't get back to me. Means they are not interested, fine I get that. Or after a few dates all of a sudden I never hear from them again. I would think after a couple of dates they would have the common curtisey to tell the person that its not working out.

Ouch. It really sucks when people are flakes.

I know you said you've gotten feedback from friends to try to see what is wrong -- have you tried having both a man and a woman friend (separately) give you a totally brutal assessment of what is going wrong? No one likes to be told to their face what is wrong with them, but at your age, you're not getting any younger, and clearly this is a huge emotional need that is not getting met, decreasing the quality of your life and making you very unhappy. A little hurt feelings might go a long way in terms of you fixing the problem. It might be something as stupid and simple as the way you dress or your haircut.

The other possibility I thought of is that you might be one of those people living in the wrong culture. Maybe you should consider living overseas in Asia and teaching English or something like that, in someplace like China or Thailand. I think some economically challenged woman in rural China could find a lot of things to like about you vs. some of the spoiled Western princesses we have here. I have an Asian coworker who certainly didn't seem to be much of a catch in terms of anyone's viewpoint here, but he married a Chinese woman from a remote part of China a few years ago and is happily married with kids.

So just to clarify -- I'm not talking about a catalog bride, I'm talking about being somewhere different where you get a chance to start anew, start someplace where you are a novelty (I certainly wouldn't mind being a Westerner in a sea of Chinese) and where your strengths will work for you. Sometimes you have to be the exotic one.

Thing is I am very happy where I am otherwise. I have a good stable job, I get along with everyone there, some good friends and a nice place to live. To totally pick up and go to someplace I'm totally not familliar with is not good for me.

Could it also be that I'm not exactly "in shape", as it were? I have too much going on between the stuff I do at my church and with schoolwork to find time to work out... not that I would hit up a gym anyway, as most people there would look at me funny when I try to use the equipment...


I thought about it once, but online dating has the same problem as talking to a random person off the street: I don't know her... I need to really know someone before I can start dating her...

You gotta make the time -- this isn't just for cosmetic reasons, I'm thinking of your long-term health. You're a young man, and you can stop some bad habits and plaque buildup now before it gets to be too late (or before diabetes kicks in).

3 hours a week of cardio -- buy a decent recumbent bike (for as little as $300 or less) and plop it in front of the computer or TV, or read.

Spend another hour a week on some weight-lifting -- that's all you need.

So that's 4 hours a week that makes you live longer, feel better, and look better. Not a bad investment.

Also research what you eat -- you'd be surprised how many calories are in a lot of foods, and the wrong kinds of calories, at that.

Rejected today and many other times. Consider all the time you would think about the possibility of getting together with the person. It's a waist of time however you look at it. Just don't be a creep. Be kind and respectful. I don't care who the person is their opinion of you or acceptance of you has no bearing on your validity as a person. Guys, a little tip for you. Girls you will be successful with most times have already decided before you ask. You just have to pick up on when they are giving you an opportunity. Has to be fairly obvious for me. I was kind of certain the woman today wouldn't be interested. Turns out she was not as nice as I thought. I will see her tomorrow and wave or say hi or something nice like that.

I don't want to count my rejections, there is too many... Although I've never found a mate that lasted longer than six months, at least I got laid and found out what it feels like to be loved. I used to get really deep down depressed knowing most of my relationships (only two to speak of at this point) are going to die eventually. Love is like toilet paper, nice and soft, but you don't want to keep it because it gets covered in crap.

However, I'm empoyed in a decent job with an apartment of my very own, and a few scattered but fulfilling friendships. Who could ask for more?

3 times...I learned the trick tho, call girls and drug addicts...you can control the drug addict by her addiction...heroin addicts are the best.

Thing is that people who are successful in dating understand that they are giving the person good feelings (or attempting to) Not taking from them or manipulating them.

I would say less then ten. I take rejection very personally, I have to work myself up to it for awhile before I actually talk to a girl... Then when I get rejected, I won't be up for that again for awhile. Of all the girls I asked out, only one ever went out with me on a date. Then on a second date, after that she told me she already had another boyfriend and that she was getting kind of serious with him.