What's an Aspie to do?

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This question has probably been asked billions of times in this subforum already, but I'll go ahead and ask it again.

Before I found out I had AS and when I had crushes on girls, it would be some kind of recurring process. Usually, I would get to know her, then as I got to know her, I began extracting all this information--stuff that enters my head and doesn't get out. I feel like a stalker. The first question is, am I stalking, or is it just a process where people usually fall in love--get to know A LOT about the person?

My second issue is that when I usually liked a girl, everything and I mean EVERYTHING would have an impact on my behavior. If she called me weird, I would care so much, a lot to the point where I became nearly depressed. (Keep in mind here, I'm only 18... and this happened over the last four to five years). Is this a usual thing? Or am I being paranoid?

My final question, is how does a person with AS ask out someone of the opposite sex to be their girlfriend? I succeeded in asking someone to prom last year but did it in the worst way possible--"Everyone else has rejected me--would you like to go to prom with me?" Yeah, just like that . Good thing I didn't get slapped.

Answers are very welcome. I appreciate your feedback

I have the same problems as you have here
I too am 18

I also feel like a stalker when I like a girl. Mostly because I start uncovering information about her while I'm actually avoiding her. I know that she will probably see that as a completely screwed behaviour, but I don't know how to change it. I do it because of the fear of suddenly being confronted by her and not knowing what to do (I think).

Secondly, as you mentioned, if she somehow rejects me (I haven't made any actual contact, so it's more like a giving up on my side) I convince myself by force that "she was not the right type" and blah blah blah even though I know it's a bunch of crap. If I didn't do that I would probably get too depressed.

Regarding your last question all my friends have always said that "you just have to ask her" (of course they don't know the AS-difficulty of doing so) but somehow they are right. If I could, then I would probably confess to her that I really like her (even though she must be a moron if she hasn't discovered it by now) and see the reaction.
The problem for me is that whenever a girl is actually showing interest in me I always end up backing out because I "wasn't prepared".

Sorry for hijacking your thread, but I had to jump on the train in case someone comes by and gives a good answer.

Now, for your questions:

1) I cannot say if the stalking-like thing is "normal" or not. Only that I experience exactly the same. But I believe it's normal to try and get to know a girl better, maybe most people would do that by social interaction whereas we go around and try to find ways of getting to know the girl without actually engaging in any kind of social interaction.

2) I would say that this is perfectly normal behaviour. Nobody likes to be called "weird" - especially not if you feel "weird". AFAIK aspies are also far more sensitive to "random comments" than NT's. For example a comment about the way one act can easily be misunderstood as some kind of reproach.
And of course being called weird by someone you like/love/care about is especially hurtful.
This is one of the reasons I really hate being aspie

3) I haven't got a clue. Perhaps you have a vague idea of what she might answer? Does she know you like her? How does she act towards you?
Lots of stuff can mean something here.

As for the prom, I haven't been going to mine, so I definately can't say anything about that.

Sorry if I misunderstood your questions. In new in this community.

Good luck, I'll be watching this thread.

OmbooHankvald

I've always wondered about this and for you to say it must make it normal or not unique. I seem to have a weird magnatism towards certain people makig it feel weird, Why I have this? I don't know. But I do feel stalkerish sometimes. Maybe I just like them so much and care about them to know what's up with them all the time.

Hey Omboo, thanks for the replies. You don't know how stoked I am to recieve a reply to this thread.

This girl, I liked her back in freshman year. I actually started liking her back in freshman year and I kind of lived it out for 9 months because I couldn't stand the thought of rejection. And then just to hide the fact that I might get rejected, I went ahead and stated that I had no interest for a relationship, which of course, was blatanly false.

As for the prom, I definitely need a new strategy this time around. Last year, as you read in my previous statement, I made the biggest mistake of my young life by asking a girl to the prom who I barely knew and whom she barely knew and I wrote a sonnet to go along with it too. It went down horribly. She and I aren't even friends anymore.

I totally agree with you on the social interaction part too. Too often have I found myself doing background research with one of her friends. It's kind of eerie.

Actually, I too was glad to find someone feeling the same way as I do.


Your (and my) fear of getting rejected is apparently stronger than the "courage" we need in this situation.
I'm not sayng that you are a coward. If you were NT, many people would probably think it was sissy-like not to "just ask her". Whenever I hear people saying that, I feel like I want to punch them. Being with AS makes almost every kind of social interaction difficult.
Now I don't know how close you are to her in everyday life, but asking someone you meet daily would be even harder - not only because you are risking rejection, but at the same time a complete exposure of your interest in her to other people, who you meet all the time. That would generate a great deal of unwanted, hard-to-get-rid-of attention (at least to me it would) and to get back to normal would be nearly impossible.


Seen from an AS point-of-view I think that was a pretty cool move. Okay, maybe it didn't go well, but at least you asked a girl to go to the prom with you. That's more than I have ever done. Real life contact with most girls make me stutter, shiver and all kinds of crap.
I envy you that you had the "bravery" to ask a girl. Don't think of it as a defeat because the prom sucked - think of it as a successful social interaction (I don't know if she agreed or not).


That sucks. Really, it does.
I can't really comment on this because I do not know what happened and I'm not going to risk posting a lot of BS because I misunderstood something. That's just me


Again, while this may or may not be normal to NT's it is quite normal for aspies. As I already wrote, knowing a lot about her is important for us to feel "safe" in an eventual scenario involving direct social interaction.

Yes, if you were NT it would be very, very eerie. But the fact that you have AS makes it fully understandable that you act that way. However, keep in mind that people not knowing that you are an aspie and people who don't know enough about AS would probably also find it pretty eerie.


While I'm almost as far from an expert as you can get, I would like to know: Have you thought of the way she reacts towards you? Does she show any interest? Or the opposite? Does she ignore you?

OmbooHankvald

She and I have known each other for four years. We walk to two classes together and I'd say we are pretty close friends. However, I somehow think that those with AS tend to misjudge things and totally take things out of context. Honestly, I really wouldn't know what to say. It's just come to the point where I can't even trust my intuition sometimes.

I actually asked three girls to the prom last year. It was kind of creepy for an AS person huh? The third person I asked, I said "Hey, I don't have a date to prom. Why don't you go with me?" It's one of the weirdest things I've ever said and I'm glad I didn't get slapped. My mom enjoys toying around with that statement. It's fine with me although I don't really prefer to hear it though.

The girl who rejected me kind of avoided me for awhile. Understandably so. A guy she met just a couple years ago who barely talks to her decides to ask her to the prom. I mean, for someone even with AS, it would be kind of strange huh?

As for the other friend--I might as well give her a name now--Connie--I have thought of the way she reacts towards me and I think it's just like any other type of friend. I've lived through enough of the wishful thinking and I never think the other way because if I do, my limits have been set too high and I end up feeling way depressed. She doesn't really ever ignore me though.

As another question for you, Omboo--do you ever feel the need to script your conversations? I find myself doing that all the time--otherwise I get caught in awkard moments where I don't know what to say and I kind of get embarassed. I mean, I've been told that sometimes silence is the best form of conversation but I don't know. Your thoughts?

Thanks for replying again =].

While I don't know about taking things out of context, we certainly often misinterpret the actions of other people. For example when I was younger my teached once commented on my behaviour to my parents by saying that "he think of the other children as friends even though they rarely talk to him" (or something like that), I misinterpreted that the other kids sometimes (though rarely) talked to me as if we were the closest of friends.
So yes, "we" do tend to misinterpret things if we do not pay close attention (and sometimes even if we pay close attention).


I stopped believing my intuition long ago.
And I have often no idea what to say either. To tell you the truth, I often like to be prepared for social interaction with other people - that's why I find out about their interests, study their behaviour and slowly learn the way they are thinking. But I find 3 drawbacks of using that method:
1) It drains my mental energy (i.e. tires the brain)
2) It's an odd way of getting to know people. Close relationships shouldn't need planning (not that kind of planning at least)
3) It only "works" on boys (at least to me). I know it's a cliché, but the mind of a girl is way different.


Believe me; nothing (or everything - depending on your view) is strange for someone with AS.


Well, some people think a great friendship can turn into a romance. Others don't.
I'll start off by quoting GroovyDruid:


Personally, I don't agree with GroovyDruid (but I'm not an expert) - since I think there are two forms of love: the one mentioned by GroovyDruid in his article and one which may bloom out of a long-lasting/great friendship. I don't know for sure, but I believe in many ways it's a matter of how interesting a person is in a certain way. It all depends on her. Which kind of person is Connie? Wild? Shy? Does she love parties or is she the quiet kind? After all, if she's the exact opposite than you, either the two of you may fit together nicely (which I find unlikely) or you can try to "adapt" her way of living. I have evolved quite a lot over the past few years, so everything is possible.
And then of course there is always the possibility that you've got "rivals". I don't know anything about that though.

Another thing to do is to try to put yourself in her place. Would you like to date yourself (no, not the schizophrenic way )? If no, why not?
If yes, do you - honestly - think she would too?
Of course being AS is a factor in this, I admit. But everyone have their quirks and besides you can learn to handle them so well that other people will barely notice them (AS too).
Being good friends, does she know you have AS? How does she think of that // How do you think she would react to that information?


I'm not sure I understand this. "The other way"? I'm sorry, but I'm not an expert in English


No, actually I don't. As I mentioned earlier in this post, I instead gather all the information possible about the person so that I can think of a way of responding which will fit nicely into my "scheme". Often, I am even certain about what a person is going to answer even before I ask. But, as mentioned above, it has certain drawbacks.
OTOH, that is a kind of brain-scripting, so in some ways, yes I do.


My thoughts? It's crap!
Of course in certain situations the right thing to do is to shut up, but most of the time a friendly and open conversation helps tying people together.


I admit this reply is probably a bit confusing as I have written things as they came to me. I hope you are able to understand it.

OH

P.S. We should meet on the IRC sometime

Wow, you make really long replies. I really ought to thank you for that.

I don't really go into the chat room. You can go ahead and email or IM me online though, if that works for you. I think we have a ton in common.



Then does that go back to being a stalker? Man, I can just never ever draw the line! lol...



What I meant to say was that I've lived much of my life in a dreamy state, substituting fantasy in for reality. One of these days, it's going to hit me hard in the face.



I don't know if I would date myself. I know this other person who has AS at my school and sometimes he really annoys me. I'm really not too sure. If she dated me, whoa... I don't want to dream of that yet .

For Groovy_druid, I disagree. Then again, I've never been on a true date. However, what I see from it is that the woman chooses if she wants to be with you. What you do romantically really shouldn't have anything to do with it.



Hey, so if I have to script my conversations, is it not a true friendship?

Well I've done exactly the same so far, so I sincerely hope its normal.....

I find myself doing the same thing quite often, but I think its important to learn all you can about someone.

When does is it cross the line to stalking? Or am I just paranoid...?

I guess the line goes where you start living her life instead of your own... I think

And for the record: I consider myself paranoid (not "the black helicopters"-paranoid, but paranoid)